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I cringe when he uses wrong grammar.


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My boyfriend has a habit of saying things like "I should have did...." "I wish I had ate something earlier..." "He should have just came in..."

 

Every time he uses tenses incorrectly I can't help but cringe. I wish I was more tolerant, but my friends and family don't speak that way and it's what I've known. I don't point it out or make him feel a way about it ever. My question is, should I? It really bothers me. Is there a tactful way of doing so without me coming across as if I'm belittling? Or should I just accept it?

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Tell him you notice that he, at times, says things incorrectly. Ask him if he would like it to be pointed out (quietly and certainly not in front of others. If he says yes, then proceed. If he says no --- then keep your mouth shut.

 

When I was in grad school, I picked up the habit of saying "he goes" instead of "he said" --- and I am an English major from a prestigious college. I likely picked it up because my closest grad school friend spoke that way. My housemate, a great person with NO college degree noted it and asked me. I told her to correct me anytime she heard it, regardless of who was around. It took a few weeks to break the habit.

 

Your bf's isn't a "habit" --- it is lack of knowledge of grammar.

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I had that situation. His mom wanted me to help him with his grammar. I pointed it out and I think I didn't point it out tactfully enough (I was in my late 20s so no real excuse -but I suppose I let the irritation get in the way of tact). He didn't like my criticism understandably. I do know that it would not have worked out long term because it bothered me too much. We are in touch sporadically -22 years later- once a year or so he emails me. I think partly he did want to work on that and partly he didn't care because he was still a successful businessman and speaking properly was not important to him.

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My boyfriend has a habit of saying things like "I should have did...." "I wish I had ate something earlier..." "He should have just came in..."

 

Every time he uses tenses incorrectly I can't help but cringe. I wish I was more tolerant, but my friends and family don't speak that way and it's what I've known. I don't point it out or make him feel a way about it ever. My question is, should I? It really bothers me. Is there a tactful way of doing so without me coming across as if I'm belittling? Or should I just accept it?

 

If you are a good girl friend/friend or whatever, of course you should. But HOW you do it is extremely important. Plenty of good advice on that subject posted already!

 

By NOT saying anything, you are NOT a good girl friend (IMO)

 

 

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It's happened to me and it was one of the reasons I had broken up with the guy. I kept trying to correct him (very gently and tactfully) but his attitude was 'so what? grammar doesn't matter as long as you get your point across'. It annoyed me greatly.

 

It depends on why he makes those mistakes. Because he doesn't know better or because he doesn't care?

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It's happened to me and it was one of the reasons I had broken up with the guy. I kept trying to correct him (very gently and tactfully) but his attitude was 'so what? grammar doesn't matter as long as you get your point across'. It annoyed me greatly.

 

It depends on why he makes those mistakes. Because he doesn't know better or because he doesn't care?

 

Actually, it doesn't matter why. What matters is if it is deal breaker for HER.

 

I would doubt that at this stage he will learn grammar.

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My boyfriend has a habit of saying things like "I should have did...." "I wish I had ate something earlier..." "He should have just came in..."

 

Every time he uses tenses incorrectly I can't help but cringe. I wish I was more tolerant, but my friends and family don't speak that way and it's what I've known. I don't point it out or make him feel a way about it ever. My question is, should I? It really bothers me. Is there a tactful way of doing so without me coming across as if I'm belittling? Or should I just accept it?

 

If he's from the south, more than likley it ain't gonna change. We say things differently then you folks from other parts of the country. Especially those of yall from up north. Either deal w/ it or move on if it really bothers you that bad. Just seems to me that you're being a might upitty about what amounts to next to nothin.

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Actually, it doesn't matter why. What matters is if it is deal breaker for HER.

 

I would doubt that at this stage he will learn grammar.

 

It does matter. Some people are willing to learn. Some aren't. I've made mistakes that I was happy to correct when people pointed them out to me...and still am..at 47. He may not learn grammar but he may be able to use a different expression when he's not sure about something..or ask what the correct tense is.

As long as he doesn't think it doesn't matter that he makes mistakes.

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I guess I am unclear why it matters as well. He gets his point across. That he doesn't know proper grammar doesn't matter to him. It mattered to you, and it clearly matters to the OP. And thus --- a deal breaker.

 

But in the big scheme of life --- it really doesn't matter.

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Tell him you notice that he, at times, says things incorrectly. Ask him if he would like it to be pointed out (quietly and certainly not in front of others. If he says yes, then proceed. If he says no --- then keep your mouth shut.

 

When I was in grad school, I picked up the habit of saying "he goes" instead of "he said" --- and I am an English major from a prestigious college. I likely picked it up because my closest grad school friend spoke that way. My housemate, a great person with NO college degree noted it and asked me. I told her to correct me anytime she heard it, regardless of who was around. It took a few weeks to break the habit.

 

Your bf's isn't a "habit" --- it is lack of knowledge of grammar.

 

Ok I'll do that, thank you. It really bothers me when he speaks that way. It just sounds very unintelligent. I'm not even a native speaker, yet seem to be able to speak this language better.

What do you suggest I do if he does not want me to correct him? Do you think that says something about him?

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If he doesn't want you to correct him --- then you don't correct him.

 

Clearly it bothers YOU. It may not bother him.

 

Why would that say something about him? I think it says more about you. It may "sound" unintelligent, but I am sure that he is intelligent.

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If he's from the south, more than likley it ain't gonna change. We say things differently then you folks from other parts of the country. Especially those of yall from up north. Either deal w/ it or move on if it really bothers you that bad. Just seems to me that you're being a might upitty about what amounts to next to nothin.

 

Hahaha! For some reason this really makes me laugh. I don't think im being uppity or elitist here, but I think the way he talks not only turns me off, it also may alter the impression he leaves at work or people he meets. It's not just a dialect or a way of saying certain things, he is not using the language correctly. I'm not even from this country so to me it's not a battle of south or north.

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It really depends for me. If it is more of a dialect style of speaking, like Capttrae said, I think I would be o.k. with that. Otherwise it would bother me.

 

That’s the reason why I asked you whether he is a native English speaker. I work in an international environment, where the business language is English. But I am dealing with people from all over Europe all the time. So if a Frenchman would make a grammar mistake while speaking English, I would not bother so much, main thing is that we understand each other.

 

Do you know whether he is aware of it at all? I would just mention it to him when you are just the 2 of you and see how he reacts.

 

When it comes to foreign languages, I appreciate if people tell me when I make a mistake, because that’s the only way you learn a language. If people would try to make a fool of me during a meeting, I would just say: Listen, this is not my native language, so sometimes you have to listen with the heart.

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Wanted: One Oxford Professor of English for quiet romantic evenings of properly structured wordplay. Must own the complete boxed-set of Frazier on Blu-ray.

Well I can understand that the OP, not being a native English speaker herself, is bothered by these type of mistakes. But then, what type of job does he have? Is language that important for his job?

 

I read replies on here like: “I dunno…..”. Sorry simply looks stupid to me.

 

I realized I made a spelling mistake here last night. I wrote “to the extend that” in a post, whereas that should have been “to the extent that”. I was upset with myself.

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Well I can understand that the OP, not being a native English speaker herself, is bothered by these type of mistakes. But then, what type of job does he have? Is language that important for his job?

 

I read replies on here like: “I dunno…..”. Sorry simply looks stupid to me.

 

I realized I made a spelling mistake here last night. I wrote “to the extend that” in a post, whereas that should have been “to the extent that”. I was upset with myself.

 

 

We forgive you. And blamed it on autocorrect.

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It all comes down to how important language use is to someone. Personally, I couldn't care less if my boyfriend, for example, didn't earn much money. I wouldn't care if he didn't wear fashionable clothes or if his car was ancient...to some women it does matter. I would want him to know how to use the language, though...which, again, to some women doesn't matter at all.

I don't think it's useful to the OP to belittle her problem.

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