Past relationships have made me scared of women

So, I'm a 23y/o male who's had some bad experiences when it comes to dating (long story short, one was horrible, another used me, bullied and isolated me from various friend circles, and the last one I put so much in for her to say she had an identity crisis and leave. (Then met someone else 2 weeks later... I digress)

As you can tell, I've not had a squeaky clean dating history, not the worst, but close. I've been single for over a year now, and I haven't looked for a relationship. I've been on a date in that time, but my heart wasn't in it.

You could probably argue I'm not over the last relationship - it only lasted a few months but I put a lot into it - I treated her like she was my world.... and I don't know if having done that has killed it for me in terms of relationships - putting so much effort in to still end in a breakup? I think the fact she's moved on 3 or 4 times since has been a kick in the teeth - seeing as she said she didn't know what she wanted etc. I do think I'm over it though.

I now meet girls and I'm just immune to any feelings towards the ones I like, I don't want any to get close to me because of what happened last time. I barely go out anymore (clubbing etc), I don't have any emotions, my self confidence is in the floor - It's like I'm the shell of my former self when it comes to dating/meeting women

What's wrong with me?

Thank you for your time

Your self esteem and confidence are shot. Hard to find someone to like you when you don't even like yourself. I would work on building those things up before trying to date again.

By the way....never make someone esle "your world". Makes you feel like crap and look like a doormat.

Well, it takes everyone a different amount of time before they start to feel that kind of interest in someone else again. Everyone’s different and each person’s individual time is right for them. Take some time to pick yourself back up but focus on healing and on being kind and gentle with yourself, and you'll get there when time is right. Sounds like you are just not ready to date

Sounds like a case of doormat syndrome - never a good recipe for a successful relationship.

So, I'm a 23y/o male who's had some bad experiences when it comes to dating (long story short, one was horrible, another used me, bullied and isolated me from various friend circles, and the last one I put so much in for her to say she had an identity crisis and leave. (Then met someone else 2 weeks later... I digress)

All of these are results of what YOU enabled the other person to do TO you. You have to realize that and accept it. Most importantly DO NOT repeat these mistakes.

As you can tell, I've not had a squeaky clean dating history, not the worst, but close. I've been single for over a year now, and I haven't looked for a relationship. I've been on a date in that time, but my heart wasn't in it.

 

You could probably argue I'm not over the last relationship - it only lasted a few months but I put a lot into it - I treated her like she was my world.... and I don't know if having done that has killed it for me in terms of relationships - putting so much effort in to still end in a breakup? I think the fact she's moved on 3 or 4 times since has been a kick in the teeth - seeing as she said she didn't know what she wanted etc. I do think I'm over it though.

You are telling me you are not over it yet you are. CLEARLY you are not over it.

In bold is your problem.....and your solution. Look I'm not saying you shouldn't treat your loved one proper, BUT use it as a filter. As in, SOME women appreciate and respect to be treated like that.....MOST do NOT, and those are the ones that you need to recognize and leave alone.

Are you still in contact with your Ex? This is an important question....

I now meet girls and I'm just immune to any feelings towards the ones I like, I don't want any to get close to me because of what happened last time. I barely go out anymore (clubbing etc), I don't have any emotions, my self confidence is in the floor - It's like I'm the shell of my former self when it comes to dating/meeting women

This is normal based on what you experianced. Most people in your shoes would feel this way. HOWEVER, there is a deep failure in logic here. If you allow unhealthy/bad individuals use/abuse you.......one cannot assume that this particular case applies to EVERYONE.

Be optimistic and positive about women in general. Trust me there are some great ones out there, mind you, they are not easy to find.....but they are there.

PS.CLUB is the LAST place you look for a good women. ANY environment that has "party", drugs/alcohol etc.......stay away (unless you are looking to hit and split or something).

What's wrong with me?

 

Thank you for your time

There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to do a better job at recognizing people and protecting yourself from unhealthy individuals. I go by the following rule (applies to family, friends, loved ones, job.....whatever).

"If a person does not make you happy, is not a benefit to your life, does not work hard on themselves to be the best person they can be, if they don't work hard on YOU to be the best person you can be, they are simply not worth being around".

NOW, re read that few times and think about it a bit. There is a deeper hidden message. WORK ON YOURSELF. This is part of maturity/adulthood that makes great people. Ones that never stop working on THEMSELVES.

Once you become the best person you can be and maintain that level, what will happen is you will attract people LIKE YOU. Women.....friends.......jobs etc. So take a deep look in the mirror. LEarn the lessons from last relationships.

As for crappy people filtering. The best tool I've found is quite opposite from your usual advice you hear out there "don't be mr.Niceguy" or other crap that our society forced you into. I say BE the nice guy, BUT use your niceness as a people crap filter. If someone uses your niceness against you or to their advantage.......well, those are the worse kind of people. I usually apply "everyone deserves a 2nd chance but NOT 3rd" ONLY to individuals that I feel are worth it....cause MOST people will never even admit to their own wrong doings or mistakes (that's the sad truth). Warning > 2nd time......I'm gone, and there is no coming back. These people also FORCE you to be "not so nice" which I don't like even more....

I simply refuse to tolerate people that take advantage of anything or anyone good or nice or positive. BLEH

Hope that helps and good luck

I would agree with DoF on this one. You need to learn to recognize the users. Go into each encounter as nice and trusting. Most people will reveal who they really are soon enough.

In addition, put down the baggage from your past relationships. If you meet a good woman, applying the misdeeds of the past women to the current or future women is self-sabotaging and will be a reflection of you. Let it be a fresh new start each time but learn from past experience to recognize the negative.

Best of luck. There are good women out there.

Making someone your world is a sign of low self-esteem. What have you done to address that issue?