Rosco Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 my ex gf of 10 years broke up with me 2 months ago. Gave the same old i love you but i don't love you, my feelings are gone etc etc etc i begged, pleaded but to no avail. I tried to go NC but i just couldn't eventually it became LC. I saw her 10 days after she broke it off and asked her if she changed her mind she said no. This time i realized it was best to go very LC and focus on myself. Fast forward to 5 weeks mark i decided to give it one last shot i asked her out to coffee to my surprise she said yes. I kept it very light didn't talk anything relationship and we ended the night with a very long hug. We met up one other time for coffee and this time i asked her if she put any thought into us getting back together and she responded with i have but lets talk about it another time. since the second coffee meet she has not made any attempt to reach out about us getting back together even tho we text almost every day if not every other day. While we were going out i bought tickets to our favorite band which happened to be in town this past weekend. We both agreed to go together, she asked if i wanted to go out for dinner before and grab some drinks before the show which i agreed. Everything was going well we were really enjoying each others company. We both drank a little too much and rather then drive home i spent the night at her house. This is where it gets really interesting. We were laying on the couch and i noticed she had fallen asleep so i grabbed a blanket and put it over her she woke up and to my surprise she rolled over and put her head on my chest and fell asleep i woke up an hour later because i was in a very awkward position and must have woke her up at the same time. She asked if she fell asleep, i said yes and you fell asleep on me which she responded oh really... i'm sorry then moments later she put her head on me again and fell back asleep. She woke up again and suggested we go sleep on the bed we cuddled on the bed and called it a night. The next morning she walked me to my car we hugged and i tried to give her a kiss on the lips but she turned her cheek and i gave her a kiss on the cheek. I'm confused, was this nothing more then her feeling comfort in me or has some feelings returned? what should i do now? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You were together for 10 years. There is a level of trust and comfort that doesn't go away overnight. She has made no effort here. Stop being in contact. You are letting her wean herself off you. Disappear from radar. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You're making it easy for her to move on to another. You're doing this the wrong way. Stop all contact, unless she wants a reconciliation. Link to comment
DoF Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You are blaming YOUR mistakes on HER OP. She will ONLY string you along as much as YOU let her. Your biggest mistake is breaking no contact. Second you do that, your healing/recovery time is RESET/start from scratch and to make things worse, by remaining in ANY contact, you prevent YOURSELF from ever starting the healing process again. Remember, you are in control of your own destiny. Tell her to never contact you again, proceed to block/ignore and give it AT LEAST 6 months to a year to recover. No opposite sex contact during that time. Be strong, in time things will get better and you will heal. Good luck Link to comment
kitkat620 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 i think she considers you a very good friend and want's to leave it at that. if you're expecting more, don't. and your best bet would be to cut off all contact (no such thing as LC if you want to heal). Link to comment
brilyn027 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 If she reeeaally wanted you, she would not chance another girl snagging you up from her. You guys were together quite a while so of course she's not going to just cut you off completely over night. Cut all contact with her. Youre not going to move on if you keep begging her about getting back together when she clearly doesn't want to. If she did, you wouldn't be posting anything here. Just let go and try to move on. Whatever meant to be, will happen. Nagging just isn't attractive at all. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 The only way to truly know is to ask her straight up. there are a few avenues here. Don't put too much though into the evening. Ask her out again and doing something fun like you did with a concert. This next time around you have to go in for a kiss. If she refuses, then you definitely need to ask is going on. Or you can just ask her straight up now what is going on. I am assuming you guys are still pretty young. I would think that if you were older, more mature, having a direct conversation would be a lot easier to not only initiated, but also accept. Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 You're making it easy for her to move on to another. You're doing this the wrong way. Stop all contact, unless she wants a reconciliation. Thanks for the advice. Do i just disappear? or do i give her a ultimatum and lay it all out there either give it another go or we stop what we're doing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 She already broke up with you. There is no ultimatum to be made. She has not said she wants to reconcile! Simply tell her that this quasi friendship doesn't work for you, wish her the best and disappear. Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You're doing the exact opposite of what you should exactly do, you should be breaking all contact and aiming to be the best version of yourself imaginable six months down the line. You will be absolutely back to square one when she suddenly wants you to meet her new boyfriend. Tell her politely you need your space, and back right off to go NC unless she unequivocally says she wants another chance with you. Everything else is bs and you're letting yourself down. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Just disappear.. really this is the only way. You need to put yourself first here. Don't hang around making it easy on her you two can't be friends because you want more and she doesn't Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 The only way to truly know is to ask her straight up. there are a few avenues here. Don't put too much though into the evening. Ask her out again and doing something fun like you did with a concert. This next time around you have to go in for a kiss. If she refuses, then you definitely need to ask is going on. Or you can just ask her straight up now what is going on. I am assuming you guys are still pretty young. I would think that if you were older, more mature, having a direct conversation would be a lot easier to not only initiated, but also accept. I'm 28 and she's 27. Pretty much high school sweethearts. i have a feeling this might be the case of GIGS. I'll try NC as i did before when she reached out and texted me and that's when we started exchanging texts again. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 What is the point of texting? Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 What is the point of texting? If she's texting me and asking things about me. how i'm doing, what i'm doing on the weekend, who am i going out with. Is she just seeing if I've moved on? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 No. She's just bored. And as soon as something/someone catches her attention she will stop. And you will wonder what went wrong and what did you do that she is not responding. Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 No. She's just bored. And as soon as something/someone catches her attention she will stop. And you will wonder what went wrong and what did you do that she is not responding. Thanks for your advice its all starting to become clear. I'll do NC, maybe it will make her think about the situation and actually think if we should get back together. Link to comment
Deadinside44 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Thanks for your advice its all starting to become clear. I'll do NC, maybe it will make her think about the situation and actually think if we should get back together. I am in a similar situation. My partner of 11+ years left me for the same reasons, fell out of love, blah blah blah. It will have only been 3 weeks on this Thursday since he took a hammer to my heart. I moved out of the house about a week after he broke it off and during the time that I was still at the house, he stayed elsewhere. I did initially (the day of) send a few texts expressing my confusion, my love for him, etc. And a couple days after he broke my heart, we met at the house to discuss logistics. At that time, I also read him a letter stating my feelings for him just to make it clear where I stood (that I still loved him and wanted to be with him), but did not hold my breath for him to change his mind...well, maybe a little, but I prepared myself as much as I could for nothing to change. I just felt that I needed to get my feelings out to him since me not sharing my feelings with him and being open with him may have been a contributor to him leaving. Since meeting at of the house and reading that letter, we've just sent about 2-3 texts and one email dealing with purely moving/account/money logistics....very business like. And at that point, I was moved out completely. And now it is completely NC, for MY SAKE. Here's how I see it. I let him know how I feel. He knows how to find me. If he wants to make it work, he has to to be the one to initiate things because he was the one who chose to destroy our relationship. So, I'm trying my hardest to focus on myself. NC is about me, it's not about trying to subconsciously win him back or make him miss me. I can't even imagine trying to speak, text or see him. It would be too excruciating and painful. That's not to say that I don't hit rough spots and still miss him and hope he comes back to us, but the bottom line is that our exes let us go. If they want us back, they know where to find us. We need to take care of ourselves now first and foremost because being rejected and having your life blow up in your face is a really painful and difficult thing to go through. We do need to heal from this and the only way I can see myself doing that is by not having contact with him. It is f*cking really hard sometimes, but when you've spent over a decade with someone, it's going to be hard. These aren't shallow cuts we are trying to heal. Anyways, sorry if this was rambly....a lot of this is me telling myself this information too b/c yeah, sometimes I just want to call him and have him hold me again. Stay strong. There is a forum thread for posting if you feel like texting your ex...post there instead. I've used it lots and it helps. Journaling has also helped. Take care of yourself. We will make it through this. Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I am in a similar situation. My partner of 11+ years left me for the same reasons, fell out of love, blah blah blah. It will have only been 3 weeks on this Thursday since he took a hammer to my heart. I moved out of the house about a week after he broke it off and during the time that I was still at the house, he stayed elsewhere. I did initially (the day of) send a few texts expressing my confusion, my love for him, etc. And a couple days after he broke my heart, we met at the house to discuss logistics. At that time, I also read him a letter stating my feelings for him just to make it clear where I stood (that I still loved him and wanted to be with him), but did not hold my breath for him to change his mind...well, maybe a little, but I prepared myself as much as I could for nothing to change. I just felt that I needed to get my feelings out to him since me not sharing my feelings with him and being open with him may have been a contributor to him leaving. Since meeting at of the house and reading that letter, we've just sent about 2-3 texts and one email dealing with purely moving/account/money logistics....very business like. And at that point, I was moved out completely. And now it is completely NC, for MY SAKE. Here's how I see it. I let him know how I feel. He knows how to find me. If he wants to make it work, he has to to be the one to initiate things because he was the one who chose to destroy our relationship. So, I'm trying my hardest to focus on myself. NC is about me, it's not about trying to subconsciously win him back or make him miss me. I can't even imagine trying to speak, text or see him. It would be too excruciating and painful. That's not to say that I don't hit rough spots and still miss him and hope he comes back to us, but the bottom line is that our exes let us go. If they want us back, they know where to find us. We need to take care of ourselves now first and foremost because being rejected and having your life blow up in your face is a really painful and difficult thing to go through. We do need to heal from this and the only way I can see myself doing that is by not having contact with him. It is f*cking really hard sometimes, but when you've spent over a decade with someone, it's going to be hard. These aren't shallow cuts we are trying to heal. Anyways, sorry if this was rambly....a lot of this is me telling myself this information too b/c yeah, sometimes I just want to call him and have him hold me again. Stay strong. There is a forum thread for posting if you feel like texting your ex...post there instead. I've used it lots and it helps. Journaling has also helped. Take care of yourself. We will make it through this. keep strong! It will get easier with time. I know i'm in a much better place than i was 2 months ago. Thanks for the advice i'll look into that thread. Link to comment
Rosco Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 one thing i forgot to mention and this is why i'm so confused. 4 weeks after she broke it off we ended up running into each other at a mutual friends birthday long story short we both had quite a few to drink and i ended up sleeping over at her house. Before we went to bed i tried to cuddle with her and she responded by telling me to stop and to leave her alone but her attitude completely changed this past weekend and she initiated the cuddling which is why i'm so confused. Link to comment
Deadinside44 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 one thing i forgot to mention and this is why i'm so confused. 4 weeks after she broke it off we ended up running into each other at a mutual friends birthday long story short we both had quite a few to drink and i ended up sleeping over at her house. Before we went to bed i tried to cuddle with her and she responded by telling me to stop and to leave her alone but her attitude completely changed this past weekend and she initiated the cuddling which is why i'm so confused. Yes, I can see why you are confused. But she broke up with you right? Don't let her do this half-a** business of sometimes showing affection like she wants to be with you. Either she doesn't want to be with you or she does. As others have said, it is not easy for either the dumper or dumpee to suddenly be without the comfort of their partner and it sounds like she is weaning herself off you, which isn't fair to you. She dumped you for whatever reason and so now she has to suffer the consequences of losing someone to feel comfortable and cuddle with....and she just has to deal with being alone/lonely. Unless she comes to you and explicitly says that she wants to be with you again and wants to work on the relationship, let her go and don't reach out anymore or your wounds will get deeper. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Seriously cut of contact with her so you can move on.Don't waste any more of your time waiting and wondering, just think of yourself and let her go. Otherwise, prepare yourself for a long and painful ride Link to comment
Rosco Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 ** Update ** i saw her today and asked her what was going on with us. Was there a chance to get back together? She said she thought it was a bad idea because her feelings haven't changed but she still wanted to be friends. I told her i couldn't do that and i would stop contact with her this is when she started crying non stop i asked her why she was crying and she said she still wanted to keep in touch with me. We talked for a bit more and it was time for me to leave and i told her good luck and good bye she hugged me again and this time she wouldn't let go when she finally did she leaned in for a kiss and i kissed her on the lips. I feel like there's something there and she doesn't know what she wants. Is there still something to rekindle? Do i keep in touch or go NC? I'm again confused. Link to comment
LovelyDani87 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I think LC would be best, there's really no reason in ignoring someone but try your best to redirect your energy towards moving on. It's been 8 months for my ex and I, we talk every single day, we both have gone on separate dates and have no expectations of getting back together. So it's possible to keep in contact while moving forward but stop with the relationship talk for now and focus on you moving on. Also, I rarely initiate contact with my ex. I stopped a long time ago so basically she does all of the calling and texting and if I am available, I'll answer or text back. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 She said reconciliation was a bad idea and her feelings haven't changed..? What more do you need? You've been friend zoned. If you're ok with that then there ya go. Maybe you can be friends.. (I couldn't with my ex but that's me)..it's not recommended though, if you still have feelings for her and want more (sounds like this is the case)..you'll torture yourself the more you two communicate. I'm sure she really wants your friendship but if you want her in a relationship I think it would be better to cut all ties for several months at least and get over her. Hard to do if still in contact, trust me. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 ** Update ** i saw her today and asked her what was going on with us. Was there a chance to get back together? She said she thought it was a bad idea because her feelings haven't changed but she still wanted to be friends. I told her i couldn't do that and i would stop contact with her this is when she started crying non stop i asked her why she was crying and she said she still wanted to keep in touch with me. We talked for a bit more and it was time for me to leave and i told her good luck and good bye she hugged me again and this time she wouldn't let go when she finally did she leaned in for a kiss and i kissed her on the lips. I feel like there's something there and she doesn't know what she wants. Is there still something to rekindle? Do i keep in touch or go NC? I'm again confused. No. Your dishes are done. She wants you as a friend, as that type of support. She does not want to have a romantic relationship with you and she directly told you so. Unless you can handle being a platonic friend you should not be in contact with her. Pretending to be her friend while plotting to try to be her boyfriend isn't only disingenuous, but it also feel as comfortable as walking barefoot on broken glass. Link to comment
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