Don't know how to get past des overly of gophone

I've been married 22 years. I recently found some entries on his kindle browser. The entries were several months old when I thought things were on the upswing. The entries were about a gophone. It wasn't just a general info pages. The sequence of web pages showed that in order to get into each page there had to be entries of personal info....they showed a progression into a personal account. It showed something like this:

Page one--go phone plans, general info, shop

Page two--plan descriptions

Page three--titled activate my device

Page four--titled my personal info

I went into a store that sells these plans and they told me the only way to navigate from one page into the next is by signing unto an account. I confronted him and he said he never had one....or a second SIM card. Then he deleted 2 of the entries as to make it seem it was just a random inquiry, rather than specific pages. I think he doesn't want to admit to me that in order to have a gophone account there has to be a secret contact....he was also leaving to spend the night at a hotel after petty fights(always during the weekend). At that time he was shutting his phone off all together while away. I obviously don't buy the gophone story....he says he doesn't want a divorce. I don't want to be the loyal "cheaper to keep her" idiot. I don't know where to go from here...he treats me so well at times. I want to feel safe again with or without him.

How long is it since he started spending nights at the hotels? And who would start the fights?

Don't count on him to confess. I think it's pretty clear he was cheating, and he had a second phone - this is standard procedure for cheaters. He may have used Ashley Madison, for all you know.

But since you will never find out what he did or didn't do, you need to decide whether this marriage is something you want to save or it's not worth it. And if you do want to save it, then maybe you can both try some marriage counselling. Other than that, not much else you can do. Only you can decide which way you want this to go, and whatever you choose, you need to trust that you'll be fine either way, you don't need this man to stay alive.

Time to hire a P.I. and consult with a divorce attorney quietly. Sorry, the man is up to something and it ain't good.

Purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book.)

Read and come back to us.

the last time he became angry because he had been at a business dinner for 3 hours and I called and he didn't pick up. I've only called one other time during a dinner and only after 3-4 hours. I told him there wasn't a single reason why he couldn't answer or call right back....that was it! The next day he didn't call or text. He came home fixed a bag and left. Didn't take my calls or texts. Came back and said I was right and he had over reacted and didn't know why...he said he wanted a divorce. I told him I'd give it to him if that's what he wanted...but--I'd rather work on it if there was a realistic chance. I told him to file if that's what he wants and told him I won't treat him as the enemy if he wants a divorce. I would be fair. I can't get past the gophone acct ( leaning towards second SIM card). This has really hurt my self-esteem, created confusion, pain and anxiety. I wonder why he simply can't tell me who he was calling...I feel like he's not protecting our bond...what is he protecting?

Six times in the last two years. I can't think of a single good reason this started after 20 years of marriage....nothing wrong in stepping out for a couple of hours for a cool-down but not ok to leave for the night and shut-off his phone. I've decided if this happens again I'll file. I think it's a control thing....if not an affair.

You said, "I told him there wasn't a single reason why he couldn't answer or call right back....that was it!"

- Why should you even have to say it!

You said, "The next day he didn't call or text. He came home fixed a bag and left. Didn't take my calls or texts. Came back and said I was right and he had over reacted and didn't know why.."

- What a rotten thing to do to a wife! Abuse and affair!

He said, "...he said he wanted a divorce."

- Track dusting!

You said, "I told him I'd give it to him..."

- Good but you should have then told him to take his little bag and get the hell out of the house.

Instead, you said "...if that's what he wanted...but--I'd rather work on it if there was a realistic chance. I told him to file if that's what he wants and told him I won't treat him as the enemy if he wants a divorce.

- Total weakness. All he heard is: Am going give you more time to cheat on and abuse me.

You asked, "I can't think of a single good reason this started after 20 years of marriage."

- It's called infidelity and is happening to millions just like you today.

He gets angry because you dared to call him during a business dinner, so he packs a bag, goes to a hotel and stops all communication with you???

He is having an affair, no ifs or buts.

I would start the proceedings if I was you.

I wonder why he simply can't tell me who he was calling...I feel like he's not protecting our bond...what is he protecting?

Not "what", but "who". And the answer is himself. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. Cheaters don't willingly admit to it. They usually get found out and/or are forced to confess.

I'm trying very hard to figure this out. I want to hear from him why and who. I can't just let it slide. I feel frozen. I can't move back or go forward. I know I simply will have to. I don't want to be the wife who lives in misery looking the other way. I deserve an honest relationship. I don't think he will ever respect me again. I did make sure he understood I didn't believe him...yet I stayed....and he didn't have to even apologize! He did cry(which he NEVER does) and promised there was nobody else. Then I started wondering if it was just a stupid middle age crisis fling? Still..I should not be treated like an idiot. I feel angry that he can't respect me enough to tell me. At this point I feel it's about my own self-integrity. Something else happened a couple of weeks ago that had made me think:second SIM card. He called me on his way home and seemed a bit in a rush to get off the phone. I suspected he wanted to hang up. I called him back from our home landline and the recording said he could not be reached. I thought it odd, so I called again....same thing. I decided to call from a cell phone(which I never use while at home and he knows this) and my landline rang. At first I thought I had made a mistake so I called again....my landline phone rang again. I checked my cell log to make sure I hadn't dialed the wrong number. Sure enough I had dialed his cell. So..in some phones when using 2 SIM cards, if using SIM card 2, SIM card 1 calls must be forwarded to another phone. I'm the only one he talks to at that time of day so he wasn't expecting other calls. When he got home I took his phone and check to see if it was in forwarding mode. It was not. He even said he didn't even know how to forward calls. On his phone it wouldn't happen randomly. He would have to go to settings and manually put in the number. The supposed "glitch" resolved when he arrived home. He also said he didn't know how to hide a folder but I found a hidden Twitter app on his old phone which wasn't showing up on any of his pages. I feel angry at myself....I guess I need professional counseling. He says he wants to work at it and that he feels lost and empty without me. Maybe--he's just feeding me bs. I feel so hurt....he's back and forth is giving me whiplash. He doesn't want to hear anything...just to pretend nothing happened. How can trust ever be rebuilt if there's no honesty? Maybe the only way he'll have me is if I trust blindly---that's not going to happen.

You said, "I told him there wasn't a single reason why he couldn't answer or call right back....that was it!"

- Why should you even have to say it!

 

You said, "The next day he didn't call or text. He came home fixed a bag and left. Didn't take my calls or texts. Came back and said I was right and he had over reacted and didn't know why.."

- What a rotten thing to do to a wife! Abuse and affair!

 

He said, "...he said he wanted a divorce."

- Track dusting!

 

You said, "I told him I'd give it to him..."

- Good but you should have then told him to take his little bag and get the hell out of the house.

 

Instead, you said "...if that's what he wanted...but--I'd rather work on it if there was a realistic chance. I told him to file if that's what he wants and told him I won't treat him as the enemy if he wants a divorce.

- Total weakness. All he heard is: Am going give you more time to cheat on and abuse me.

 

 

You asked, "I can't think of a single good reason this started after 20 years of marriage."

- It's called infidelity and is happening to millions just like you today.

I do feel embarrassed that I panicked. I feel self-loathing and anger for having allowed him to mistreat me. Track dusting is exactly the perfect expression. I don't think I will ever respect myself if I allow the relationship to continue under these fake terms. This situation is abusive...no doubt. Part of me hoped he could come forward and admit...without honesty it's not possible to explore why, fix anything or build trust.

My ex had an affair. I found emails he was sending to one of my friends about how in love they were.

It tore my heart out.

In hindsight there were a lot of clues, leaving early for work & coming home late ( he was picking her up & dropping her home), travelling for "work" ( he was taking her to hotels for the night), didn't want to do things with the children & I. The worst one was he was "working" on a Saturday, the kids & I went to meet him, so we could go out for the afternoon. The office was shut & his phone was off. We waited for 1.5hours for him. Obviously he was with her.

Don't blame yourself for being lied to. This is all about him & his character. He is a liar & a cheat. Trust your instincts, if something doesn't feel right then it isn't. He is obviously up to something, and you know he is.

My ex had an affair. I found emails he was sending to one of my friends about how in love they were.

 

It tore my heart out.

 

In hindsight there were a lot of clues, leaving early for work & coming home late ( he was picking her up & dropping her home), travelling for "work" ( he was taking her to hotels for the night), didn't want to do things with the children & I. The worst one was he was "working" on a Saturday, the kids & I went to meet him, so we could go out for the afternoon. The office was shut & his phone was off. We waited for 1.5hours for him. Obviously he was with her.

 

Don't blame yourself for being lied to. This is all about him & his character. He is a liar & a cheat. Trust your instincts, if something doesn't feel right then it isn't. He is obviously up to something, and you know he is.

The thing is I thought what we had was great! I've Never cheated. I've had ample opportunity....I've worked for at least 20 of our years together. So now I feel he's had his fill of my best and he's done. I know I'll have no issue having a future relationship...but--- I bought the farm....I gave it my all!! He could've at least had the decency to tell me I could no longer do it for him! I feel he's tearing me down to justify his insencerity when he could've just told me what I was giving wasn't enough!!! Why must a person try to destroy you when you've given all you have? I'm angry, sad...and mostly I believe enough in myself to know what I gave to give is great!...if he doesn't want it...fine with me!

The thing is I thought what we had was great! I've Never cheated. I've had ample opportunity....I've worked for at least 20 of our years together. So now I feel he's had his fill of my best and he's done. I know I'll have no issue having a future relationship...but--- I bought the farm....I gave it my all!! He could've at least had the decency to tell me I could no longer do it for him! I feel he's tearing me down to justify his insencerity when he could've just told me what I was giving wasn't enough!!! Why must a person try to destroy you when you've given all you have? I'm angry, sad...and mostly I believe enough in myself to know what I gave to give is great!...if he doesn't want it...fine with me!

I felt exactly the same way!!!!

The problem for me is that I feel very confused. He has been treating me very well. I'm sure about the gophone but I found those entries many months after. What if it's nothing he's now doing? What if it was just a mistake and he realized it? What it he can't tell because it'll be worse? I almost left when I found those entries. We've had many fights about that. In the end neither of us surrendered our position. But now--everything is a trigger. What if he's lying and has no intention to be faithful? Maybe he has convinced himself I'm not convinced about the gophone being real....but--that I'm sure of. Maybe he thinks I can't possibly be hurting...but---I am! He deceived me. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I can't fix this a,one and he is not helping. I know think about how crazy defensive he would get when I'd ask simple questions....Today he was looking through a drawer(prior to leaving for work) and I asked him what he was trying to find. He responded it was his electronic work card. He NEVER takes this to work. This is a card that allows for him to access a program from computers away from work!! I tried to tell myself maybe this or that. Deep down I have a bad feeling. I think maybe I should simply hire a p.i. They're so expensive though. And if he's carrying on an affair I would need that money for a divorce lawyer...Finances affect everything. I can't continue doing this to myself.

Update: I asked my husband why he took the electronic card today. He said he had reset his phone and app but had not signed in and the card was required. He said he has annual meetings for the next two days at an expensive hotel and had to access to signing in. This sounds really convenient. He doesn't know I've signed on to that app since he reset his phone. I even wondered if he told me about the meetings in case I put a tracker on his car....or maybe I no longer believe him because he deceived me....

Once trust is broken it is very hard to trust again.

I hope you sort this out soon, it is no way to live