Free at last? Who knows...

Hello! I'm new here. I started searching this morning for a forum like this as I feel my support is biased, and I want to be told if I am wrong. Its mostly a vent, but with some questions.

We have been together for 3 years and things have always sort of been rocky. I'm a little jealous, but not about everything.. Just the fact he talks to girls including exs on facebook/text and deletes and hides everything. I've been called all sorts of things for being upset with that.. I think its a valid concern when he used to be a huge . I can be a little what he sees as "selfish", because I am independent. I was alone for a long time, this is my first real relationship. I never liked to be tied down, I don't like checking in and I don't like being questioned. If I get up and get myself a drink but not him I'm somehow a cold selfish . Overreaction? I think so..

We have had physical altercations 3 times. Once, I didn't acknowledge him all day, he threw my , i kicked his car. All hell broke loose. Second, I tried to leave him shortly after.. He pinned me and wouldn't give me my keys. Third, the cops dropped his brother at my house one night and I was in the kitchen speaking to him while he was sleeping. He throws a fit, etc we end up in a brawl. I know, I should of left him the first time. I always told myself I wouldn't be that girl, but I am.. and its embarrassing.

I do love him, but I want my freedom back. I feel like I have already wasted 2 years of my life. He never wants to do anything, and he wont do anything unless he can drink. He never wants to go to my friends, only wants to hang out with his friends.. at our house. He is one of those proud to be an guys.. Its getting on my nerves. He acts like a complete child around his friends and then calls me crazy for calling him out.

For about a year now I have been completely distant, I still love him.. but do I hate him as a person. I'm bored, I want my life and my friends back. I want my freedom, I want my dog to be able to sleep in my bed. Is this selfish? Is it wrong? Am I cold like he says because I say I don't care?

Saturday I went out with some friends for the first time without him in 3 years.. FINALLY. He acted like he was okay before I left, but next day.. of course he decided to have a ing fit. Over my friends changing my facebook status because I left my phone unattended, they're being guys at the house we pre-drank at before going to the bar.. ? Theres guys everywhere at the bar and your worried about the 2 at the neighbors house? He then started accusing me of lying about when I got home, about how I didn't text him for 3 whole hours, etc. I told him it is his issue that he feels that way, I have never given him a reason to think this. I work, I sleep. I have never cheated, I have never lied. My phone and social media is open unlike his. He told me I was cold and a selfish . I asked him why he was still here then, and he said he was seriously considering leaving.. I said ok.

I am really hoping he just leaves peacefully and doesn't cause a bunch of issues. Am I cold for not caring anymore? I've voiced my concerns for 3 years, and I'm always "crazy". I'm don't with it. I think there is a breaking point, and I'm at it. I can't take this poor treatment any longer, the lack of freedom, the abuse. I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve this.

Three physical altercations ---- and you love him? And are still with him?

You love the idea of having a boyfriend, clearly not this guy.

ahh. . this one's easy.

Have the self respect and courage to leave.

You are waiting for him to do so or waiting for it escalate even further to make a decision?

You have more than enough reasons to make a calm, relational, mature and adult decision to extricate yourself. This clearly isn't working and it's actually detrimental to your well being, emotional or otherwise.

What's stopping you? You aren't married, not tied to him. You don't particularly like him or the relationship.

What pray tell keeps you there?

Surely you love him, well parts of him at the very least. That's normal. I am sure most bad people have some redeeming qualities, but not enough to make a relationship out of.

You are extremely dependent on him, and that is making this relationship fail, not that it had legs to stand on to begin with. You are being too passive here....relying on him to make the next move. I think it is time to be a grown up and make your decisions, like starting a life without him. You did not describe any redeeming qualities, and by just reading the key words of your post...this relationship is beyond fixing. Good Luck.

This has escalated to the physical, so it's time to leave and don't look back.

Love can get you killed far easier sometimes than self-preservation and loving yourself enough NOT to put up with physical violence of any sort. And yes, it is physically violent what he and you did together.

This cannot end well no matter what you do. Just go.

I can't just go, I need him to leave. I cannot rent a room with a large dog and a cat and I will not give them up. I need to give him notice that he has a month to leave, rent is 7 days away and I simply cannot afford it by myself this month with christmas this close. I don't fear for my safety, and I know I will be fine until then. I just needed to vent a little bit. He said he wanted to leave, so I was waiting for him to do so to avoid confrontation. He cannot change his mind, he needs to go because I am not changing mine. The upstairs is rented by my friend, I want to remain in this house. If I have to have him removed I will.

Thank you everyone.

and mhowe, I actually despise the idea of having a boyfriend. As I stated, I want my freedom back.

Leave him already. This was done a long time ago, before even the first physical altercation happened.

I think you need to rethink the idea that you are independent. You are very dependent if you can't manage to leave such a horrific abusive mess and especially if you don't leave even after things turn to physical violence. That should be your ultimate flashing neon light to be gone. Please do get in touch with your independent side and cut him out of your life. Block, delete, never ever come near him or speak to him again. Also brace yourself for the possibility that he will come crawling back promising everything under the sun to you, so spare yourself the bs and make sure he doesn't have a chance to weasel himself back in. Block block block and get your life and self worth back.

Then what's stopping you from leaving him?Dump him today. Don't put up with him any longer.This man will never give you the respect you want and the kind of relationship you want. That's not who he is. If you want respect, only date respectful men.You need to leave him before things get even worse.

I can't just go, I need him to leave. I cannot rent a room with a large dog and a cat and I will not give them up. I need to give him notice that he has a month to leave, rent is 7 days away and I simply cannot afford it by myself this month with christmas this close. I don't fear for my safety, and I know I will be fine until then. I just needed to vent a little bit. He said he wanted to leave, so I was waiting for him to do so to avoid confrontation. He cannot change his mind, he needs to go because I am not changing mine. The upstairs is rented by my friend, I want to remain in this house. If I have to have him removed I will.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

and mhowe, I actually despise the idea of having a boyfriend. As I stated, I want my freedom back.

I'm always amazed the excuses some people can make to avoid doing something.

Can I move in with you? Can you pay for my plane ticket to wherever you live? I work hard and make . I have a large breed dog, a german shepherd to be exact and its nearly impossible to find a place to live with one because people are blind and consider them "dangerous" dogs. There are excuses and then truths, I have nowhere to go. I'm not whining and crying, feel bad for me.. I'm stating facts. The law here requires me to give him an eviction notice.. That he can appeal. And I know he will.. Then what? Sometimes you need to let things run their course to avoid making a bigger mess. I'm not going to uproot my life, lose my apartment and everything I have worked for because he wants to be difficult. If I lose that apartment, I surely wont be leaving him in it.

I have broken it off with him, I simply need to figure out how to get him out of the apartment without him causing an issue. The law here states he needs an eviction notice, which he can appeal and I know he will. I have nowhere to go, and I refuse to lose my apartment. I don't expect him to ever give me respect, I'm stupid for hanging around this long.

I can't just go, I need him to leave. I cannot rent a room with a large dog and a cat and I will not give them up.

You will do whatever you need to do. At times, we have no options or choices. YOU ARE IN NO POSITION OF CHOICE when it comes to your dog or a cat.

Right now, you need to think about YOU and how to get away from this creature you live with!

PRIORITIES!!!

I need to give him notice that he has a month to leave, rent is 7 days away and I simply cannot afford it by myself this month with christmas this close. I don't fear for my safety, and I know I will be fine until then. I just needed to vent a little bit. He said he wanted to leave, so I was waiting for him to do so to avoid confrontation. He cannot change his mind, he needs to go because I am not changing mine. The upstairs is rented by my friend, I want to remain in this house. If I have to have him removed I will.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

and mhowe, I actually despise the idea of having a boyfriend. As I stated, I want my freedom back.

Freedom ehh? LMAO

You have NO Freedom AT ALL. Especially when you are not able to support yourself or be SELF RELIANT (like every adult should).

Even then........freedom is an illusion......

What you want is, get rid of this individual from your life. So you can heal/recover and get over this person (it's going to take time). "Freedom" attitude will only get you in trouble further.

You need to process WHY you remained with such individual and REALLY think about how you ended up in this situation. This is going to take A LOT of time. We already know that lack of self reliance was problem #1. So remember, never EVER rely on ANYONE but yourself!

PS. Be careful with the "having him removed" attitude, cause it can very easily be YOU that is removed in this situation. Do you pay rent? If not, it's time to go.

Have you talked to your landlord about what needs to be done? You may also wish to speak to a lawyer and get some advice on how to go about it so you don't make mistakes. In a situation like this, it may be more than worth it not to mention prudent.

I can rely on myself just fine, but when you just put $600 into a car, and another $400 on christmas/birthdays, I can't just make money appear. You don't know me, you only know bits of a situation I have posted. Do not tell someone you don't know they aren't able to support themselves. I'm in my early 20s with student loans, I can't just come up with nearly $1000 to pay rent in 7 days. You are clearly one of those people who like to spit out advice that would work for you but not for others. I remained with such an individual because I loved him and I thought we could work through things. I was wrong. It is my fault it has continued this long, I'm not stupid I was just blinded like many end up. Self reliance has nothing do with it, I pay for pretty much everything while he drinks. I'm well aware I can be removed, this is why I'm playing it safe. I do pay rent, so does he. The apartment is in my name, but I still need to give him an eviction notice if he will not leave. If he wont leave, he definitely will appeal an eviction notice.

As far as I'm concerned, I am safe. I am not scared for my well being, and frankly I've done as much physical damage to him and he has me. I never posted that he beat me, I posted we have had physical altercations. So, no I will not make the choice to get rid of my animals to go live in a bedroom in someones house I do not know. I will fight for my apartment. My freedom attitude is not going to get me into trouble, freedom is going to make me happy. Like I was before I foolishly thought I could change this person.

I'm keeping calm so I can do this without a huge fight and me having to leave.

I have been trying to call the goverment today, but useless as usual. I will speak to my landlord later on tonight and see what can be done. He may have more insight on the situation as he has a few rental properties and hes a good guy.

Of course it is clear that you can't take action at this exact moment in time, and it is foolish to provide advice saying you need to dump him RIGHT NOW. Personally I think you need to plan your escape strategy and yes...I know you love your apt, you worked hard for it, etc... Unless you live in a small village, I am sure with some initiative, you can fit a situation that will work best with you and your pets. I was in a similar state at one point in my life...and I spent a solid month or two planning my break. You want to know when the break up happened? Right before xmas....in January a found other living arrangements temporarily while I found a place to live on my own. Breaks like these require a support system...like your friends or family that may be able to provide the necessary support. It depends on what you are willing to put up with in the end. When I was moving on from a relationship, I typically preferred a clean break, or as clean as possible. I am not going to argue over possessions, dwellings, etc. One of the most liberating feelings is moving-on from such a terrible period in life...and finding a place to live is empowering.

Can I move in with you? Can you pay for my plane ticket to wherever you live? I work hard and make . I have a large breed dog, a german shepherd to be exact and its nearly impossible to find a place to live with one because people are blind and consider them "dangerous" dogs.

I already know what your definition of freedom is.

"finding a guy that will take care of me".

Didn't we just told you that YOU need to take care of YOURSELF? You want US to open the door to OUR houses for YOU?

How selfish and arrogant of you.

There are excuses and then truths, I have nowhere to go. I'm not whining and crying, feel bad for me.. I'm stating facts. The law here requires me to give him an eviction notice.. That he can appeal. And I know he will.. Then what? Sometimes you need to let things run their course to avoid making a bigger mess. I'm not going to uproot my life, lose my apartment and everything I have worked for because he wants to be difficult. If I lose that apartment, I surely wont be leaving him in it.

So what lead you to "having nowhere to go" situation? You need to address that first! And never make the same mistake.

You say you are not whining or crying yet it's exactly what I hear coming out of your mouth!

I can rely on myself just fine, but when you just put $600 into a car, and another $400 on christmas/birthdays I can't just make money appear. You don't know me, you only know bits of a situation I have posted. Do not tell someone you don't know they aren't able to support themselves. I'm in my early 20s with student loans, I can't just come up with nearly $1000 to pay rent in 7 days. You are clearly one of those people who like to spit out advice that would work for you but not for others. I remained with such an individual because I loved him and I thought we could work through things. I was wrong. It is my fault it has continued this long, I'm not stupid I was just blinded like many end up. Self reliance has nothing do with it, I pay for pretty much everything while he drinks. I'm well aware I can be removed, this is why I'm playing it safe. I do pay rent, so does he. The apartment is in my name, but I still need to give him an eviction notice if he will not leave. If he wont leave, he definitely will appeal an eviction notice.

 

As far as I'm concerned, I am safe. I am not scared for my well being, and frankly I've done as much physical damage to him and he has me. I never posted that he beat me, I posted we have had physical altercations. So, no I will not make the choice to get rid of my animals to go live in a bedroom in someones house I do not know. I will fight for my apartment. My freedom attitude is not going to get me into trouble, freedom is going to make me happy. Like I was before I foolishly thought I could change this person.

 

I'm keeping calm so I can do this without a huge fight and me having to leave.

Your defensiveness, offensiveness, arrogance, ignorance and selfishness is beyond anything I've seen here before hehe

By all means go. You do realize we are trying to help you right? lmao

I have been trying to call the goverment today, but useless as usual. I will speak to my landlord later on tonight and see what can be done. He may have more insight on the situation as he has a few rental properties and hes a good guy.

Great, so now you are trying to get me and everyone here to pay your way forward. How convenient of you.

Are you serious? Sheldon, are you that stunned you don't even understand sarcasm?

1. Where did you get my definition of freedom as having a man take care of me? I've been on my own since I was 16 years old, nobody has ever taken care of me. I clearly just stated I've been taking pretty good care of him outside of his measly rent payment.

2. I wouldn't be defensive you were not attacking me with insults about my independence and saying I need a man to take care of me. Your arrogance is pathetic, one too many girls ed you over apparently. I have never relied on a man and never will. I never insinuated I would either.

3. I called the government for information on the landlord tenancy act, not for hand out.

4. Again, I wouldn't be defensive if you weren't assuming you knew every little ing detail about me or my situation. Go yourself, you are the most arrogant, insulting, disgusting person I have ever spoken to.

Thank you. And the hardest part with the situation of finding a place is they are quite expensive and you need first and last. I've got it good hear, relatively cheap rent, inclusive with a good landlord. I don't want to leave. If I absolutely need to leave, then I will. But I would rather attempt this first. I have alot of friends, and they agree with it.. Its just hard because they all have kids and animals or they are in school, in dorms, or sharing apartments out of town. I don't want to fight over anything either, but its just him.. He has friends with extra rooms and couches, etc. But hes going to leave me to find a place because he is just that type of person.

Again, thank you for being rational and not insulting me for my decisions.

Can I move in with you? Can you pay for my plane ticket to wherever you live? I work hard and make . I have a large breed dog, a german shepherd to be exact and its nearly impossible to find a place to live with one because people are blind and consider them "dangerous" dogs. There are excuses and then truths, I have nowhere to go. I'm not whining and crying, feel bad for me.. I'm stating facts. The law here requires me to give him an eviction notice.. That he can appeal. And I know he will.. Then what? Sometimes you need to let things run their course to avoid making a bigger mess. I'm not going to uproot my life, lose my apartment and everything I have worked for because he wants to be difficult. If I lose that apartment, I surely wont be leaving him in it.

No one here is insulting you nor do we underestimate how hard it is to leave. BUT it's not impossible.

I remember being just like you once, but in one moment I had an epiphany and nothing stood in my way.

`Close to impossible" to find a place with a large breed. . but NOT impossible. Have you looked?

Eviction notice? Have you asked him to leave . or told him?

My husband had just as much right to stay in the home after 16 years when I put my mind to it I told him `you don't live here anymore'

His response. . laughing `How you are going to make me?' Me: "I don't know exactly but what I do know is you will not spend another night under this roof" (and I believed it, don't know why but I did) I packed his things and put them in the garage. .end of story.

Not saying yours will go the way mine did. But you aren't sharing with us what you are proactively doing to set things in motion.

So right at this moment you are focusing on all the obstacles and listing them. Normal.

Start listing all the possibilities instead. .and start acting on them

Actually, Dof is pretty insulting while he assumes plenty of pretty disgusting things about me.

I know its not impossible, and I have looked. I don't live in a big area, and the nearest town is too far of a commute. I asked him to leave about a month ago and he told he was not leaving. I'm unsure of how it will turn out this time as he said he was considering leaving and it wasn't me telling him to get out. I plan to continue to remain calm, as I know in an argument he will be defensive and plant his feet.

Actually, Dof is pretty insulting while he assumes plenty of pretty disgusting things about me.

 

I know its not impossible, and I have looked. I don't live in a big area, and the nearest town is too far of a commute. I asked him to leave about a month ago and he told he was not leaving. I'm unsure of how it will turn out this time as he said he was considering leaving and it wasn't me telling him to get out. I plan to continue to remain calm, as I know in an argument he will be defensive and plant his feet.

OK . .with the exception of DOF. . He's known for being a straight shooter and at times a little heavy handed in his opinions. So you are in pretty good company there!

Take what works and ignore the rest.

Not trying to judge, but if you are struggling with funds, you might want to spend less on birthdays and christmas presents. I spent maybe $30 this year with some cards and creative gifts. No matter what, that nest egg will help you if you move out or stay.