Bad memories surfaced, did I do the right thing?

So I originally found this place years ago over an ex. Long story short, we were friends at work and slowly got closer as her 5 year relationship was ending. I didn't want to be that guy so I waited for it to actually end. We jumped into things pretty fast. At the time my brother died and I used her as my support. Fast forward 6 months later and it was clear she was withdrawing from me. I was the rebound but what made it worse is she broke up with me right around my dead brothers birthday. She then used me as her crutch by telling me things like she just needs time and I'm the best boyfriend she ever had but don't wait for me. Things that really sucked me in and probably prolonged my hurt.

So now I'm dealing with a new breakup. Been with the girl for 5 months and everything has been amazing other than her crazy ex who just won't go away. He was abusive and did do a number on her. 2 weeks ago I just couldn't deal with it and gave her the ultimatum of getting a restraining order or losing me. She got defensive about me telling her what to do so I bailed and went NC on her. She popped up a 5 days later telling me how she never chose her ex over me and how she was falling for me. A few days after that she told me she missed me and wanted us back. So we talked about stuff and patched things up. We had a few more awesome nights together and she told me how she loved hanging out with me. This past thursday her stalker ex rattled her pretty good by showing up to her house and calling her mom. She had changed her number and email to get rid of him so it was his only way to contact her. Anyway, she felt like this issues with the ex were interfering with our relationship b/c she was scared that it may lead back to me and cause more drama. She said she's always stressed and looking over her shoulder. We basically broke up telling each other we love each other for the first time. She said she loves me and I make her so happy but she needs to get the crazy ex out of her life and she can't deal with the stress of worrying about me getting mixed up with it. I told her I wanted to deal with it together but understand her need to be alone. I accepted it.

So over the last few days she would text me. Just small talk, happy talk. But it would kind of rattle me. It took me back to what happen last time. And worst of all, my dead brothers bday is today. She has no idea about all this. Well last night I was drinking with my other brother who was his twin and some friends and we were reminiscing about my brother that passed. Lots of feelings came to the surface, partly from the alcohol but for whatever reason I decided I was slowly being dragged down the same hole that the other ex dragged me down. So I sent her a text saying That this situation is bringing back bad memories for me and for her to please leave me be. I told her I hope she finds her happiness and I'm sorry it wasn't with me.

So now I'm debating if I did the right thing or not? I don't know but I feel like I needed distance even tho she is making it out like she's doing what she has to do so we can have a healthy relationship. Should I have stuck by her longer at the risk of being left to pick up the pieces later?

You did the right thing. You really are in no place to date --- perhaps a grief therapist could help you process the loss of your brother.

And the common issue here ---- you have 2x in a row picked women just out of or leaving relationships. You really need to stop doing that. Or you will continually get the same responses --- ex's that they are not over.

For more context. It's been years since my brother passed and I did go see someone for the grief. I have dealt with it but it's expected to surface at times like these(on his bday) i guess?

As for the my choice of women, yea, you have a point. We talked about the ex and she told me she was emotionally done with him for some time. I don't know how many month of a separation there was between their breakup and us dating. I'm guessing 4-6 months or so but he never went away due to being upside down on a high end car. She did all the right things to get him out of her life like force him to take over the title of the car and I don't think she wants him back but it's obvious she has unresolved issues.. She did reach out for professional help. I hope she sticks with it but just last week she was telling me how right we feel together and to be honest, I felt the same. It just feels right but I can also feel that she's not all there and she admitted that to me. It's a hard thing to realize.

One of the biggest red flags of them all is "person NOT taking time off to heal/recover after last relationship".

MOST relationships, even short term will take good 3-6 months. LONG relationships can easily take 6 months -year or even 2.

Apply this to YOURSELF as much as other people (to figure out their true character and intelligence levels).

Chances are, you still haven't recovered from your 1st/original relationship OP........hehe

I agree It is so much better to wait until you are 100% healed from your last relationship to date. You transferred your dependence from your previous gf, to the next girl. In doing so, you subconsciously used the other person as a bridge but never address your own personal issues, absorb and work out the pain/hurt. What happens more often than not is that you end up not needing the other person, after you've partially addressed the superficial portion of your emotions. Take this time and focus on yourself

I think there was 5 years in between gfs, if I read it correctly. His problem is picking women who are on the rebound.

I see ,either way the OP needs to take time to himself ,to be single and get get to know himself . what he likes to do, what he want out of his life- that sort of thing

yea, honestly.. I don't have issues from my past. It just brought back those memories b/c the situation is feeling similar and I didn't want to get pulled down that rabbit hole again. I've taken time over the years and have been single for a few leading up to this relationship. I've worked on myself a ton.

As for the rebound thing. I think there is something to it but when you meet someone and you like them, it's really hard to break things off b/c you think they might have issues surface later on. We talked about her emotional state early on and throughout and it always seemed ok. Sometimes you just gotta throw caution to the wind when you click with someone. But at the time, I did know there was risk involved. I'm paying for it now.

As for the rebound thing. I think there is something to it but when you meet someone and you like them, it's really hard to break things off b/c you think they might have issues surface later on

If they have just gotten out of a relationship, it is a HUGE red flag. It isn't IF issues will surface, it is a given. Its WHEN they will surface.

THEY aren't going to say ---"no, really ---- I'm going to use you as a bandaid so I don't have to deal with the pain of this break up".

yea, I agree. I originally met her 3 months prior to us actually dating and she was single then and already looking to move on. It obviously wasn't enough time. I think she probably does love me but just isn't ready for something serious. It doesn't help that he is stalking her too.

So for whatever reason I'm torn on tomorrow. I don't think I should text her happy thanksgiving but I'm not sure what to do if she texts it to me?

We didn't end on bad terms, we ended saying I love you and her saying she needs to work on getting the ex out of her life so she can be stress free and be happy with me. It's an odd situation but I still boiled it down to her choosing to end the relationship regardless of the reason. Ugh.

Don't text. Don't reply to a text.

So last night I was out and our mutual friend came out. They work together and pretty much have no secrets. It all came out. She told me that my ex was looking into a restraining order and she really is over her ex and has feelings for me. It's just hard because I feel she should have never let me go. It sounds like she plans to respect my wishes of NC tho. Our friend was asking me what it would take to get us back. I said she needs to close the door on the ex. Not because of me but for her. It sucks bc we were both drinking so who knows what will get relayed.

Life lesson #48: mature people.don't.relay information through an intermediary.

True but I doubt she was expecting to see me. We haven't seen eachother in months. It was a conversation and it obviously built to more. She told me that she has told my ex how stupid she is for risking us. I didn't really know what else to do. I was already drinking. I guess I got way too engaged and open about it all. Other lesson is I need to chill on drinking for a bit.

How should I have handled it? She knows how I feel. I mean it's really just the same message I already delivered.

"Thank you for your concern but I really don't want to talk about this tonight. I came out to have a nice time and relax. So, what are your plans for the weekend?"

Yea. You're right. That would have been the best response.

You pick women who are not ready to date - one was IN A RELATIONSHIP and another had ex drama. I don't know why but I think a therapist might be able to help you with this.

I don't know, I've dated a lot of women and in the last 7 years these are the only 2 that had issues surface from prior relationships. Sometimes you can't help your attraction/connection with someone. I just don't want to turn that off b/c that person might not be ready. People do marry their rebounds and live a happy life. I know someone who did. I do need to be more careful.

I messed up yesterday pretty badly with all this. That conversation I had with the mutual friend really just gave me the excuse I needed to reach out. She mentioned me trying a little harder to get back the ex. When we broke up the first time my ex did wish I tried a little harder instead of her doing all the work. So of course I'm drinking with my family watching football and decide to reach out. She responds basically matching my message. I just said happy thanksgiving and regardless of the current situation I was happy our paths met. So a few hours later I send another text asking her if she's sure she wants us to end. An Hour goes by and I get needy and impatient b/c I know she read it and say I guess I have my answer and her and her ex deserve each other. I pass out and wake up a few hours later and of course feel like an idiot so I apologize and tell her of course I was drinking and That I accept the relationship is over and that my reaction what really out of character for me (it was.) I don't drink much anymore so I need to really keep my emotions in check If I'm going to do it. I told her that I thought after my conversation with our mutual friend that I felt like maybe I needed to try a little more but now I see this is done and I'll be deleting her contact info(which I did) and going back to healing and moving on. I'm back to NC after looking like a fool, and yes I know I messed up gang. No need to rub it in There is no worse feeling than when you're down and someone you care about doesn't throw you a rope.

It's one thing to fall off the boat and need a hand. You dove in head first. She was right to stop responding once your drunken ranting began. She wished you a return holiday greeting. You then picked up the shotgun and shot both feet off.

yea I did. Mistake I need to live with now. I'll say it's the worst thing I've done since we met. I haven't had many negative reactions with her, it's always been happy and positive. I don't know what came over me but that was flat out dumb.. I said sorry, it's all I can do now. If there was any chance of getting back, I'm pretty sure I killed last night. Good thing is I'm too embarrassed to even consider reaching out to her now.

Good. Chapter closed.

I just read through your thread.

Has anything transpired since your last update?

It seems to me that at the time of your last update both of you still had feelings. That much is clear. I am not quite sure what to say because it's been almost a month since you updated this thread and I don't know if you're still looking to reconcile with her?