Jump to content

Guy that I'm dating is still active on dating site


OCcutie79

Recommended Posts

So I have been dating someone that I met online for just short of a couple months. We have yet to have the exclusivity talk, but I definitely think that the time is coming up for us to have this. I know his feelings on dating is that you are taking the time to get to know someone and seeing if you are compatible, which I agree with. I do think that you know whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone you are dating within the first few months.

 

I was recently over at his place and saw that he had different dating site up on his laptop and he has been active on it. Seeing as we have been dating for a couple months now, this isn't sitting well with me.

 

Do I bring this up to him, that I noticed he had it up on his laptop, or do I just let this go? I am enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him, but I also don't like the idea that at this point he is still looking for other dates. Am I overreacting?

Link to comment

just short of a couple months.

We have yet to have the exclusivity talk,

I know his feelings on dating is that you are taking the time to get to know someone and seeing if you are compatible, which I agree with.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

IMHO, yes you are overreacting. If you guys are being absolutely honest and upfront with one another, and have yet to even have the talk; you need to decide if you are either a) REALLY secure enough to date and be comfortable telling someone that you agree with something that they're doing, and **actually** be okay with it. Or b) Not actually as comfortable as you think you are, and be honest from the beginning. "I thought I was okay with us dating and getting to know one another... however, feelings are---" *** aka... HAVE THE EXCLUSIVITY TALK!!! ;-)

Link to comment

Two months is plenty for you two to discuss whether you are making things official and exclusive (which implies deleting your online profiles) or not.

Don't assume anything, but it's time to ask questions. If he says he's not ready to decide, you decide for him (by leaving, if it's a relationship that you want).

I really hope you aren't having sex.

Link to comment

You know, so often these "talks" don't go so well so I'm inclined to say if you're enjoying what you have, don't push it.

 

Now if you'e sleeping with him then that's a different issue because I always feel more secure when I know I'm exclusive with a man and if I don't know then my I find myself in crazy mode way too often. Not to mention it's not good for your sexual health as he could be sleeping with others and exposing you to all sorts of things.

 

If you really have to say something, I say it's best to tell him you're ready to not date other people and you're not telling him he has to do the same but you want to know how he feels about it and where he's at. Yes there's still a chance he feels pressured by that, but if he does then he's not ready for a relationship anyway.

Link to comment
If you really have to say something, I say it's best to tell him you're ready to not date other people and you're not telling him he has to do the same
Oh, no... Saying that is telling him that you're okay with him not being exclusive. If you're having sex with him then surely you don't want to tell him such a thing, right?
Link to comment

Unless the guy agreed to exclusivity...meaning he calls you girlfriend and you call him boyfriend and such...then he has full right to keep looking as much as you do.You want him to stop, sit down and ask him where he sees all of this going. If he wants a RL with you, then you go all the way and he then must close up or hide his account. Find out if you're both on the same page and go from there

Link to comment
Oh, no... Saying that is telling him that you're okay with him not being exclusive. If you're having sex with him then surely you don't want to tell him such a thing, right?

 

Obviously this kind of statement would only be used if you agree with it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're okay with non-exclusivity....it's just finding out where he stands without putting him on the spot. If he says, "oh that's nice but that's not really me. I want to still date others." then you know where you stand and you can decide at that point if you want to continue. Either way if this were me I'd say no sex (or no more sex) until you're not dating others and I'd say if he's not going to stop seeing others then it's not worth it for me to do it either....I may or I may not actually see others but I'm not closing that door if he's not. At that point if he was really agreeable to all that I might lose my attraction to him anyway. lol

Link to comment
Guy that I'm dating is still active on dating site

 

Then he isn't ready to be exclusive now or quite possibly ever. Two months in this thing is either ramping up between you two or he's getting what he wants and has no need to change it. However you shouldn't be dating only him either, not until it does get serious and you know he's wanting to be exclusive. Which right now, no he isn't since being active on dating sites means he is lining up other women to see.

 

If it's not sitting well with you then you need to date other men too and pull back. If you're sleeping with him already then your mistake was assuming that would bump him to a relationship level. Sex never does that, ever. Quite the opposite usually and if he's sexually active, which we can assume he is with other people if you're also having sex at least use protection.

 

Either be willing to have the "where do you see this going" talk with him now or start seeing other people since he is. It's always a mistake to limit yourself and become exclusive when you know the other party isn't doing that and no, he's not doing that. Your call completely, but my take is he's not yet serious about you. He might be in the future, but at this time nope.

 

In spite of all the excuses ever used as to why one is active on dating sites the bottom line is we all know it means one thing--a person is shopping. Period.

Link to comment
Obviously this kind of statement would only be used if you agree with it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're okay with non-exclusivity....it's just finding out where he stands without putting him on the spot. If he says, "oh that's nice but that's not really me. I want to still date others." then you know where you stand and you can decide at that point if you want to continue. Either way if this were me I'd say no sex (or no more sex) until you're not dating others and I'd say if he's not going to stop seeing others then it's not worth it for me to do it either....I may or I may not actually see others but I'm not closing that door if he's not. At that point if he was really agreeable to all that I might lose my attraction to him anyway. lol
I have no issue with finding out if he's on the same page. It's just the wording that raises a flag for me. (I Do see your point though)
and you're not telling him he has to do the same
Really, he does have to do the same if she has any self-respect. Who wants to be one of many when you've been sexually intimate and want to be in an exclusive relationship?

 

Its different of course if she were not looking for anything but a casual sexual union.

Link to comment

I've never had a positive experience with being the one to bring up exclusivity. In the one case we'd been dating 6 weeks and he wanted to have sex, in the second case we'd been dating about 2 months and I saw that he was on the dating site within a half hour of leaving my house (I sent him a wink and updated my profile). In the first case he agreed to be exclusive but he really never fell for me and he ended things after 5 months. In all my serious relationships the guy brought it up within the first 2 months, usually closer to a month. I don't think it's a bad idea to find out where you stand but I don't think you're going to like the answer.

Link to comment
I have no issue with finding out if he's on the same page. It's just the wording that raises a flag for me. (I Do see your point though)

 

I didn't mean to say this word for word....if I sad that I apologize. I meant something like what I wrote but in her own words and making sure it fit how she thinks and feels. I don't I have said or would say it word for word as written.

 

Really, he does have to do the same if she has any self-respect. Who wants to be one of many when you've been sexually intimate and want to be in an exclusive relationship?

 

Its different of course if she were not looking for anything but a casual sexual union.

 

Well that's your opinion and I respect it. I think she can keep it casual and still have self respect. No one said anyone wanted to be one of many and the OP never said she has been intimate with this man (unless I missed something). Even I said if he expressed no desire to be exclusive I'd say no sex for him, and reconsider if I wanted to continue.

 

I'm just saying guys aren't mind readers so sometimes you have to tell them what you're thinking (okay most of the time you have to tell them) and they often don't react well to pressure in relationships...so if you need an answer this might be the least pressurizing way to get them....although you may not like the answers you get. I'd say this way if he is on the fence you're less likely to run him off than by being super direct.

Link to comment

Well that's your opinion and I respect it. I think she can keep it casual and still have self respect.
I didn't say she couldn't. I just said (or at least meant anyway) that she would not be having self-respect if she wanted something exclusive and stayed with him when he was not being so. It's different if she ony wants casual.. then carry on.... same page and all

 

No one said anyone wanted to be one of many and the OP never said she has been intimate with this man (unless I missed something).
I do believe she said she has been... I'll have to go back and double check though. But, she could very well end up as "one of many" if she stays with him when he doesn't agree to exclusivity. That's the point.

 

**** No... she has not answered the question of whether she has been sexually intimate with him as yet. ****

 

Even I said if he expressed no desire to be exclusive I'd say no sex for him, and reconsider if I wanted to continue.
Yes... which boils down to you might as well just break up because he and most people, don't have much success in trying to put the tooth paste back into the tube and he'll just fade her out while he sees those that will have sex in an unexclusive dynamic.

 

As for guys not acting well to pressure in relationships... all the more reason why one shouldn't have sex with someone until they are sure that they are on the same exclusivity page before getting intimate.

 

Cheers.

Link to comment

I had an ex gf that I thought handled the exclusivity issue well. We were dating a few months and it has become physical, I dropped my other match.com dates that I had been pursuing, but it probably looked to her like I was still active unknowingly. The way she handled it was to tell me she had decided to not date others because it didn't feel right to do that anymore. She didn't ask me to stop myself, dating that is. It got her point across without pushing me. For me it was easy, I just told her then that I had assumed exclusivity already. All was good.

Link to comment
I had an ex gf that I thought handled the exclusivity issue well. We were dating a few months and it has become physical, I dropped my other match.com dates that I had been pursuing, but it probably looked to her like I was still active unknowingly. The way she handled it was to tell me she had decided to not date others because it didn't feel right to do that anymore. She didn't ask me to stop myself, dating that is. It got her point across without pushing me. For me it was easy, I just told her then that I had assumed exclusivity already. All was good.

 

THANK YOU! This is the direction I was suggesting. It very well might get the OP some answers without much risk of running the guy off and once she has those answers she can decide if she wants to continue.

Link to comment
THANK YOU! This is the direction I was suggesting. It very well might get the OP some answers without much risk of running the guy off and once she has those answers she can decide if she wants to continue.

Yes and it doesn't include that "it doesn't mean you have to be just because I am slant that I originally said "oh no" to.

Link to comment
I had an ex gf that I thought handled the exclusivity issue well. We were dating a few months and it has become physical, I dropped my other match.com dates that I had been pursuing, but it probably looked to her like I was still active unknowingly. The way she handled it was to tell me she had decided to not date others because it didn't feel right to do that anymore. She didn't ask me to stop myself, dating that is. It got her point across without pushing me. For me it was easy, I just told her then that I had assumed exclusivity already. All was good.

 

Thanks! This was very helpful.

Link to comment

Here is my two cents here , I actually dated someone through a dating site and I deleted my profile earlier then she did. We never really had the talk but I was sure that I wanted to see how this relationship goe and to give it a chance. It did bother me at first that her profile was active but a simple talk about where we are and my views on active dating profile when I am with someone took care of it. She wasn't taking to anyone else any more but as a woman on a dating site they get so many messages a day and she deleted it out of respect to our relationship which is exactly why I wanted her to delete hers also. Try to take this approach with him and tell him it's because of the respect to your relationship that neither of you should be on that or any other dating site.

Link to comment
Here is my two cents here , I actually dated someone through a dating site and I deleted my profile earlier then she did. We never really had the talk but I was sure that I wanted to see how this relationship goe and to give it a chance. It did bother me at first that her profile was active but a simple talk about where we are and my views on active dating profile when I am with someone took care of it. She wasn't taking to anyone else any more but as a woman on a dating site they get so many messages a day and she deleted it out of respect to our relationship which is exactly why I wanted her to delete hers also. Try to take this approach with him and tell him it's because of the respect to your relationship that neither of you should be on that or any other dating site.

 

Thanks, this is a great way of wording it. Much appreciated!

Link to comment

Coming from someone that deleted 2 dating profiles, only to break up a couple months later - I say just deactivate them if you have only been dating a couple months, people can hide a lot in that short period of time, and starting new dating profiles from scratch sucks! If you're still together a year later, sure, permanently delete them.

Link to comment
Yes and it doesn't include that "it doesn't mean you have to be just because I am slant that I originally said "oh no" to.

 

Okay, so she didn't say it out loud, but by not saying it she still got the point across. I guess it depends on the people involved it may not need to be said at all but that has to be the intention going in or it's going to come off as pressure....like you're telling someone what you think they should do. It's better just to say "I've decided this is what I want to so do, I don't think seeing other people feels right for me anymore." that's totally different than saying you don't want them seeing other people either.....even though you might feel that way and that might be exactly what you want....it still pressure...it's just much more subtle. Sometimes subtlety is better.

Link to comment

I personally prefer an open ended question such as "we've been dating for two months now, I'd like to know where things stand", instead of stating my own position to start with (eg I don't want to see anyone else).

 

To me this requires a response and gives him the opportunity to respond with whatever he wants. Simply stating what I want might result in a non-response like "ok cool", and leaving me none the wiser about what he wants.

Link to comment
I personally prefer an open ended question such as "we've been dating for two months now, I'd like to know where things stand", instead of stating my own position to start with (eg I don't want to see anyone else).

 

To me this requires a response and gives him the opportunity to respond with whatever he wants. Simply stating what I want might result in a non-response like "ok cool", and leaving me none the wiser about what he wants.

 

From male perspective, if I heard "we've been dating two months now, I'd like to know where things stand", I'd take that as passive aggressive, and basically, it would concern me that I'm already dealing with someone I have to constantly give relationship status update reports to, potentially before I'm even exclusive.

 

I'm telling you it's better just to state how you feel, and I wish I had recorded how my ex did it as it was perfect. The conversation came across that she cared for me and simply had no desire to date anyone else. I think she said something like I may have reached this point before you. It came across very well. I think starting the exclusive relationship with pressure sets a bad start.

 

It's funny, in previous relationships I never had the "are we exclusive talk", I just assumed it at based on the interactions, probably not a good idea I suppose.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...