Dealing with an overbearing and unhappy mother

Hi. I'd like to give a little back story on my situation. My father is very ill, and my mother has assumed the role of caretaker - feeding, cleaning, medications, etc., etc. etc. Being the most flexible of the three of us siblings, and as my dad had been getting worse, I chose to leave my apartment back in June and move home, although I was already living here most of the time anyways. I help as much as I can, which sometimes can't be all that much considering my own life - job, social, relationships, etc. It's a very difficult situation for all of us. Being in her 60s, it's taking it's toll on my mother's body, and it's cutting into my personal life.

On top of all of this, my mother has always been a very unhappy, bitter, overbearing, and sometimes verbally abusive woman. She's quick to disagree with you, even if she knows nothing about the topic, and she'll make mountains out of mole hills. She'll comment on my "questionable life," which is basically any normal 30 year old life. In relation to my father, she claims that "you moved home to help and you don't do anything!" Which is hardly true. There are certain roles which I won't take with my father - diaper changes, mouth vacuuming, etc., but I'm happy to be the muscle as she cleans and changes him or administer food and medication. Even when I'm doing these things, she'll oftentimes jump in and take over. I call her out on this and it again turns into an argument about how I'm mooching off of her hospitality. For example, just tonight I chose to come home a bit early to help with night routine, as lately I've been coming home later. She hadn't even begun yet, but I told her I only came home to help and was then going to visit a friend for a couple of hours. So, we did what we had to do and she said I could leave. I came back three hours later and she was in the process of cleaning him again because he had had an unexpected accident. She was already angry, and we quickly argued again about how "you moving home was a mistake. You're supposed to be here to help." On top of her bitterness, she also says these things in a snarky, patronizing, and belittling tone. After we argue, she yells at me again for arguing with her even though she begins just about every argument. Also, just last night she had finished up with my father and I was in the upstairs bathroom. She came over and said, "How long are you going to be in there?" I said, "Why?" She then got carried away saying, "I just spent an HOUR taking care of dad and now I want to get ready for bed in MY bathroom." Key word there is "my." She likes to go on about how "that's MY bedroom, not yours," or "this is MY house," because she thinks that I'm taking over the place.

I've tried to reason with her, saying "mother, if you want me around at certain times of the day please let me know when you want me here and I'll readjust my schedule." Or "please tell me what you want done and I'll do it for you." She never gives a clear answer, and it usually turns into how she doesn't want to argue and it's a mistake for me being here. I help so much in other ways as well. I'll call her regularly on my way home to see if she needs any groceries, pick up her newspapers, do the occasional job or tech support around the house, clean, offer to bring home dinner, etc.

As I've gotten older I've begun to realize how her attitude affects me negatively. It's already cost me one relationship, and I feel that it just cost me another. Either I let myself be walked over by women, or her bad moods become my bad moods which turns women away. When the women leave, I feel like they're glad to have me gone so they don't have to deal with my mother. For example, she once told an ex that she was going to get cancer because she regularly dyed her hair, and today denies saying that. I don't even know how I can go out on a date now knowing that being 30 years old I have to be home by a certain time or there will be hell to pay. This said, she also knows that I'm going through a breakup with my girlfriend of 3 years and she uses it as a means to beat me down, saying I'm a "boring person" and didn't treat her right, and I should seek counseling because my breakup of only TWO WEEKS is affecting me.

Also, everything is my fault. If the TVs input source has changed, I "messed with the TV." The other week there was this weird type of millipede in the kitchen, then she found one in the basement. She blamed it on me, saying that it must have come from my bags in the basement from when I moved back home.

That was a bit rambly I know, but this is how she is. It's not just because of my father, although the situation has definitely amplified her bad attitude. She's been condescending to me since at least high school. There is nothing wrong with me. I graduated college with high honors, have a good job, bought a new car, have great credit, don't smoke or do drugs, don't have a problem with alcohol, yet she treats me like a waste of space. My sister either says "that's why I moved out," or "when she gets that way just walk away." Well, easier said than done.

As I said, I have a job, I have friends. I fully understand how stressed she is with the situation, but it isn't my fault, and I'm doing as much as I can when I can. Her attitude towards me has reached a point where she thinks I'm a bum who just comes here to sleep and eat all of her food (which I eat none of). I'm not her punching bag. Unfortunately and understandably, moving out at the moment isn't a possibility.

Has anybody been in a similar situation or dealt with a similar type of parent? How did you handle it?

yet she treats me like a waste of space. My sister either says "that's why I moved out," or "when she gets that way just walk away." Well, easier said than done.

moving out at the moment isn't a possibility.

Yes it is. You don’t have to keep up with this kind of behavior and it shouldn’t be ruining your life.

Can you get professional help, like a nurse, who comes by on scheduled times to help with your Dad and you (and your sister?) paying for this? You then still can go home to do some things in and around the house, but you are an adult and you have the right to have your own life.

This is my personal view based on my personal experiences, but this is how I see it: Children don’t owe their parents anything, it’s the parents who decided to have children, not the children deciding to have parents. My parents broke off contact with me more than 10 years ago and I never had the desire to get back in touch with them.

Yes it is. You don’t have to keep up with this kind of behavior and it shouldn’t be ruining your life.

 

Can you get professional help, like a nurse, who comes by on scheduled times to help with your Dad and you (and your sister?) paying for this? You then still can go home to do some things in and around the house, but you are an adult and you have the right to have your own life.

 

This is my personal view based on my personal experiences, but this is how I see it: Children don’t owe their parents anything, it’s the parents who decided to have children, not the children deciding to have parents. My parents broke off contact with me more than 10 years ago and I never had the desire to get back in touch with them.

We do have a nurse and aid who come by only a couple times a week, which is just for checkups after his last hospital visit. It's been almost 2 months now but I know it's temporary help. We've discussed paying for aid, but it is quite expensive. Split up between all members of the family it could easily turn into close to $100 a week. Even hospice or palliative care won't cover 7 day a week morning and night help.

She is angry at the world!

She is hurting for your dad.

Her life have become caring for your dad.

She don't know how to express her feelings.

She is basically taking her frustrations, anger and pain out on you.

Try to help her to come more out of the house, let her see their is more to life.

Do things to take her mind from it, even a few min a day can help if you can.

Do take care of yourself aswell, enjoy life.

I think your dad would want it that way.

I'm very sorry about your father.

Your mother's not going to change. She's in a highly stressful situation, and you've become her punching bag - again.

Firstly, you and your siblings need to either share the responsibility or get nursing care. You and your mother shouldn't be the only ones having to deal with this. Have a conversation with your siblings, not your mother about this. From what you've posted your father may be going into palliative care, in any case.

Secondly, stop arguing with her. Don't get me wrong, im not saying it's your fault, but you are the only one that has control of the arguments, because she can't control herself. So she blames you for everything - either ignore her or say, 'you might be right'. In other words, don't engage with her in arguments. You've never won them before by trying to talk sense into her, so just semi-agree with her. 'You may be right' is your standard response when she accuses you of anything.

Thirdly, don't take it personally. She's essentially a bully and her modus operandi with you is to belittle you and put you down. You know what you are, and it's not what comes out of her mouth. When she starts, just start singing a song in your head - dee dee do do do, whatever.

Fourthly, once you've spoken to your siblings and arranged whatever nursing care you can, move out.

It's a very, very hard time for all of you, so try to be compassionate even if she's a b*tch.

My mother was a lot like yours, the whole bitterness thing is a major similarity. Your mother is likely grieving for your dad who is not the man he used to be. She is probably really tired of having to take care of him, tho she won't say that as she's look uncaring. I get how hard this is for you and think if you can find any way to afford extra care, you should do that, even tho it's costly.

You admit you can only do so much with your busy schedule, so I guess I'm just wondering why you moved back home? Are you pitching in financially at all? I don't doubt when you say her attitude would most likely be a bit rotten in any scenario, but if your mom feels it's not a fair trade between the benefit of living rent free and the work you put into your father, that will exacerbate it, too. Were you living with your girlfriend at the time you broke up?

Also, to me, the curfew doesn't sound that unreasonable. Consider your end of the deal here. She's going to expect you around to help and she's putting you on 3rd shift seeing as how you're so busy with work and friends during the day.

I'm having a hard time believing you entering and sticking out this situation was anywhere near as altruistic as you make it out to be.

During a relatively calm time, ask Mom whether she'd prefer that you move out and pitch in money for more aide care, or whether she'd like to raise your rent for living there.

That gives her decision making power and can take some pressure out of her cooker.

It's a touchy thing. The past couple of days since I posted this have been okay, and I've come to learn it's best to not bring up these issues when she's in a good mood. I do pay her monthly for rent. A lot of it again boils down to "this is MY house," so I'm "taking over" my bedroom, which is hers. Sometimes it's best to just tiptoe around her.

It's a touchy thing. The past couple of days since I posted this have been okay, and I've come to learn it's best to not bring up these issues when she's in a good mood. I do pay her monthly for rent. A lot of it again boils down to "this is MY house," so I'm "taking over" my bedroom, which is hers. Sometimes it's best to just tiptoe around her.

Actually, when she is in a GOOD mood, that is precisely the time to have a heart to heart. She won't "hear" you when she is spitting venom. Maybe you can take her out to lunch or for coffee while a relative sits with your dad and have a heart to heart. Maybe you can come up with a solution like you sit with dad a few times a week while one of her sisters or a friend goes shopping or for coffee with her to give her a break and maybe that would make her less stressed and taking things out on you less, or maybe a care worker to help bathe him and take that off of her. If you are paying rent to her and weren't before because you didn't live there, that is where the money will come from.

Either you have to move out and take a 'shift' a long with your sister and other relatives to alleviate mom and just be there at those times or if you live there you are going to have to actually talk to your mom and set some reasonable expectations when she is in a good mood.

You admit you can only do so much with your busy schedule, so I guess I'm just wondering why you moved back home? Are you pitching in financially at all? I don't doubt when you say her attitude would most likely be a bit rotten in any scenario, but if your mom feels it's not a fair trade between the benefit of living rent free and the work you put into your father, that will exacerbate it, too. Were you living with your girlfriend at the time you broke up?

 

Also, to me, the curfew doesn't sound that unreasonable. Consider your end of the deal here. She's going to expect you around to help and she's putting you on 3rd shift seeing as how you're so busy with work and friends during the day.

 

I'm having a hard time believing you entering and sticking out this situation was anywhere near as altruistic as you make it out to be.

Yes, if dad is very ill, it should be all hands on deck. Your job, your actual employment, is first, helping out with dad comes above an active social life - going out at all hours of the night. I don't know how much time dad has left - but if you are living with mom in order to be there to help - then you help. You maycome to an agreement with mom that the weekends are all yours, minus sitting with dad so she can go to church or have some peace at the grocery store, but if you have moved in to help with dad, sometimes you will need to sit with dad so she can get some sleep - or be there if he falls in the middle of the night. Otherwise, there is no point of you being there if you aren't going to be there.