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crickets99

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Hi all,

 

I have a bad situation going on here and I really don't know what to do. I'm a single 28 female and have never really been in any serious relationships but this year I met someone i instantly fell in love with. He is 51 and yes i know there is a huge age gap but to me age is nothing but a number if you really like someone. We started seeing each other and there was instant chemistry, we got on so well, had common interests i fell for him so quick that we ended up sleeping together after 2 weeks of knowing each other (yes i know bad move) He told me at the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship as he just got out of a divorce a few years back and was deeply hurt by it. I could understand where he was coming from and i thought in time he might come around to the idea. So we remained FWB for the next 10 months. Constant texting, flirting and meeting up every fortnight for sex. It would be more often but he is a workaholic and lives an hour away from me and has a teenage son also.

 

During this time my feelings grew and grew and i ended up telling him many times that i was falling inlove with him and that maybe we should stop being fwb because it hurts me too much. So we would go without speaking for a few weeks and then we'd miss each other too much and end up back in bed and its been going on like this back and fourth for the last few months. So the other day i messaged him and told him how everytime id go on dates with other guys i never seem to get that spark/instant attraction that i get when i am with him and he didn't reply...Come next day he writes to me and says that "some of the things i say sometimes scare him" .... Whenever i explain my feelings to him or get lovey dovey with him he pulls away and goes all distant and this crushes me and I'm at the point now where ive told him this whole arrangement is over and i don't want anything to do with him since he doesn't feel the same way and that we cant be friends anymore either because it hurts me too much. So ive been in NC for 2 days now and I'm hurting like crazy.

 

What i don't understand is when ever we have sex he always cuddles and kisses me afterwards and we look so deeply into each others eyes and make love and everyday when he texts me his always so sweet and calls me pet names like "babe, baby, sexy" but yet claims he doesn't feel the same way about me? I would even consider him my best friend as well since we tell each other everything and are so close. But i cant get him out of my mind, I'm depressed and i have no motivation for anything anymore, ive really just hit rock bottom and on top of all this i am so crushed...And yes i am in therapy but i have heard it all before. I cant just "get over him and move on" he was the best thing to ever happen to me and perfect in every way possible, i just wish he would give me a chance! He did have a hang up about our age gap but i have told him time and time again that age means nothing to me an i love him regardless and am willing to sacrifice not having kids or getting married just so i can be with him!!!

 

I don't know what else to do!!! some one please help i am going crazy!!

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You poor thing. What a dreadful situation you've created for yourself.

 

Look, experience has taught me that it's important to listen to what people say. Your BF told you he's not ready for a relationship. He prefers FWB. You thought that might change and that when he sees how much you care about him that he'd be convinced.

 

But he's simply not ready, not available, doesn't want a relationship. He told you and you didn't believe him, now you're desperately in pain.

 

Of course you keep getting back together. You offer him no frills love and romance and he offers you hope. The hope that he might change his mind, in your mind, at least. In a way he gets all the benefits with none of the responsibilities. That's what FWB is. But he's using you and being dishonest because he knows how much you care about him and he still persists, because he's getting what he wants - sex, companionship and a woman that adores him. Problem is, you don't get what you want.

 

It's been nearly a year now and he hasn't changed his mind. I think that you can safely say he won't. So, you have 2 choices - stay and accept it for what it is, leave and find what you want elsewhere.

 

Since you're unhappy now, it's going to be hard to accept the relationship as it is. Your needs aren't being met and you're sacrificing a lot. Can you live with that? If you leave it will hurt like hell and you will find it hard to go NC, after all you've broken it before. Can you live with that?

 

Which is the lesser of the 2 evils for you?

 

Remember the person that cares the least has the greatest power in a relationship. You're being slowly disempowered.

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He has told you repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship. You need to listen.

 

I'm sure he enjoys your company, but you've allowed yourself to be a booty call. Ite nothing more.

 

He is not your friend, as friends do not use their friends for sex - you've expressed your feelings.

 

It's time for you to get your head out of the clouds and show yourself some respect - You are devaluing yourself . End this this no where relationship, as you are doing yourself much harm.

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I cant just forget about him though! ive tried so many times! Ive tried going out on dates with other guys, tried cutting him off and failed badly. I love him so much, its so god damn hard!!

I just cant understand how someone of his age can not consider a relationship with a younger woman whose been by his side despite all the rejections and all that I'm willing to sacrifice to be with him! I just need some sort of plan to get him to see that I am the one for him and that I would never hurt him like his ex did!

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Age is not maturity.

 

Did you two ever actually date or are you a sexual plaything? I don't read anything to suggest you two have a relationship, much less anything for you to be basing 'love' on. Have you met his friends or colleagues? After a year together....

 

Do you exemplify what he values? A man might sex almost any woman, and yes even be affectionate and playful, but only the ones he respects will make it to "official" status and meet his friends, family, etc.

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Age is not maturity.

 

Did you two ever actually date or are you a sexual plaything? I don't read anything to suggest you two have a relationship, much less anything for you to be basing 'love' on. Have you met his friends or colleagues? After a year together....

 

Do you exemplify what he values? A man might sex almost any woman, and yes even be affectionate and playful, but only the ones he respects will make it to "official" status and meet his friends, family, etc.

 

I haven't met his friends but ive met his son who I get on with great. We don't go out on dates like dinner and movies etc Yes it is purely just a sexual relationship. We meet up at hotels and go our separate ways in the morning. But we still keep in contact everyday and give each other good morning/ goodnight texts too....This is what I don't understand. If he didn't feel the same way wouldn't he not want to chat with me everyday and keep me at arms length? Yes ive ended things a few times but we always seem to find our way back together

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He told me at the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship

Why didn't you listen? He made it very clear where he stood on the matter. He was upfront and honest, yet you decided to ignore it all and now you wonder why you find yourself in this situation. Anytime a man tells you he's NOT looking for a relationship, he speaks the truth and you should LISTEN.

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Yes it is purely just a sexual relationship. We meet up at hotels and go our separate ways in the morning.

But we still keep in contact everyday and give each other good morning/ goodnight texts too....This is what I don't understand.

He wants you for sex only. It does not take any effort to send to text.

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I cant just forget about him though! ive tried so many times! Ive tried going out on dates with other guys, tried cutting him off and failed badly. I love him so much, its so god damn hard!!

I just cant understand how someone of his age can not consider a relationship with a younger woman whose been by his side despite all the rejections and all that I'm willing to sacrifice to be with him! I just need some sort of plan to get him to see that I am the one for him and that I would never hurt him like his ex did!

 

Did you not read anything we wrote?

Have you not heard anything he's told you??

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Period. End of story.

 

What plan could you possibly put into place that would persuade him? The story about having been hurt by his ex is probably an excuse anyway. You are totally disempowering yourself by telling him you'll give up your future hopes and dreams to be with him.

 

He's older and more experienced than you. He's at a different life stage. He doesn't want someone that gives up their identity and hopes for him.

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I didn't believe him because his words never matched his actions, the first week we started talking he was hinting at a relationship so I got my hopes up and then out of the blue he tells me he has commitment issues because of his ex and doesn't want a relationship. I try and accept it and just be friends with him because it's better then nothing. When I try and break things off his the one that comes running back to me and giving me false hope only to turn around and say that "the things I tell him scare him" this is when I express my feelings. So I don't know what he wants from me.

 

I am in nc at the moment but I am struggling so much! He knows my parents would never approve of our relationship if we ever got together but I don't care I still want him! How do I get him to change his mind and give me a chance?!

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I haven't met his friends but ive met his son who I get on with great. We don't go out on dates like dinner and movies etc Yes it is purely just a sexual relationship. We meet up at hotels and go our separate ways in the morning. But we still keep in contact everyday and give each other good morning/ goodnight texts too....This is what I don't understand. If he didn't feel the same way wouldn't he not want to chat with me everyday and keep me at arms length? Yes ive ended things a few times but we always seem to find our way back together

 

You don't have a relationship, you will someday realize that you don't have love either.

 

The texts and small talk are meaningless.

 

Get counseling, otherwise you're likely to again fall for something of no substance and then you'll have a pattern as well as risking abuse etc. As you said yourself off the top, you had no experience in serious relationships. You still don't, that's why it's important to get help to ensure you don't make this mistake over and over since have no real experience ti draw from.

 

Good luck.

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He wont change his mind. For whatever reason he does not want you and he does not care about you at all. He has never been part of your life and you have never been part of his. You cannot truly love someone in this situation. You're totally inexperienced and totally delusional.

 

And I agree the part about being hurt in the past is an excuse. Quite possible he's in a real relationship with someone else, and you're just a side dish.

 

You are being used and manipulated.

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Well how many men do you know found "the one"through having her as FWB for months?

 

Why would a man decide that the girl is only good for FWB then suddenly after nearly a year, he wakes up and have the epiphany that she's the love of his life?

 

A year is long enough to know if he wants a relationship with you.He's not what you want.The instant he turned you down after confessing your feelings, is the instant you should have jumped in taxi and lost his number .

 

 

You can't tactict a man into a relationship .He either wants one or he doesn't.He made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship and you prolonged the inevitable by sticking around when your needs are not being met-hoping he'll change his mind.When they show you who they are, believe them

 

Move and let this a lesson learned

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Reading all the replies here I feel like a massive fool. I have so much anger towards not only him but myself. I feel like sending him an angry message. The pain is so over bearing, I fell for him so hard and thanks to him I'm stuck in a depressive rut and have hit rock bottom. Yes I am seeking therapy but it still doesn't take the hurt and anger. I would of given him the whole world had he just given me the chance

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He TD you from the start he wasn't going to give you a chance. He could not have been more clear. You believed he would change his mind. As you can see, offering him free sex didn't change a thing because that is all he wanted. You brought this on yourself.

 

Work with your therapist on boundaries and your self esteem and determine why you value yourself so little that you would settle for this arrangement.

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I didn't believe him because his words never matched his actions, the first week we started talking he was hinting at a relationship so I got my hopes up and then out of the blue he tells me he has commitment issues because of his ex and doesn't want a relationship. I try and accept it and just be friends with him because it's better then nothing. When I try and break things off his the one that comes running back to me and giving me false hope only to turn around and say that "the things I tell him scare him" this is when I express my feelings. So I don't know what he wants from me.

 

I am in nc at the moment but I am struggling so much! He knows my parents would never approve of our relationship if we ever got together but I don't care I still want him! How do I get him to change his mind and give me a chance?!

 

In the contrary, I think his actions matched his words very well. He said he doesn't want a relationship, he never said he didn't want a casual arrangement. He assumes you understands that because he's already told you what he wanted / didn't want, so to him, he's been honest and therefore it's all on you if you decide to continue to see him on a casual basis. He reaches out to maintain that casual arrangement with you, simple as that, nothing about it that doesn't match his words. You chose what you wanted to see and hear and ignored the truth.

 

When someone genuinely want to have a seriously relationship with you, they make it very clear with actions and words. They take you out on dates, take time to get to know you as a person, willing to hold off on sex until you've established you are in a serious relationship, they will also tell you they want something serious with you, they will bring you to meet their family and friends as a girlfriend/partner, they will make you feel respected as a person.

 

That's not this guy.

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thanks to him I'm stuck in a depressive rut and have hit rock bottom. Yes I am seeking therapy but it still doesn't take the hurt and anger. I would of given him the whole world had he just given me the chance

 

Sorry to be harsh but this is all on you, so don't shift the responsibility onto him. You're not stuck in anything, it's not like you live together or have shared assets or children, you don't even have a serious relationship. all you have to do is tell him this isn't working for you, bye. BLOCK him, and never have to hear from him ever again.

 

Remember that you made these CONSCIOUS choices to start a casual arrangement with him, to remain open to be contacted by him and to come back to him every time he reaches out. So you can make conscious choices to do differently.

 

You also shouldn't give anyone THE WORLD, even if they did want to pursue something serious with you. It's a partnership, there's give and take. I would discuss this view in therapy if I were you, it sounds really unhealthy.

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Reading all the replies here I feel like a massive fool. I have so much anger towards not only him but myself. I feel like sending him an angry message. The pain is so over bearing, I fell for him so hard and thanks to him I'm stuck in a depressive rut and have hit rock bottom. Yes I am seeking therapy but it still doesn't take the hurt and anger. I would of given him the whole world had he just given me the chance

 

No, therapy won't take away the pain and anger, the only one who can accomplish that is you.

And, maybe you should look into finding a new therapist? Because your current one doesn't seem to be making a difference...

 

As everyone told you, he is just not interested in having a relationship with you. The fact that he's 51 doesn't mean he has to want to be in a relationship, lots of people prefer to stay single and live life after a divorce. And even if he does change his mind about wanting a relationship, he made it very clear it won't be with you.

You willingly set the tone for your interaction back when you accepted to be his f*ck buddy, and let him use you as such for all those months. You gave him all the benefits of a relationship without any commitment on his side, why would he want to change anything? You basically put yourself in the NSA category, and getting out of it is just impossible, especially after all this time.

Next time, make better choices, and remember, when a man tells you what he wants with you, believe him. Don't ever hope he'd change his mind, and even worse, do not ever think sex would make him change his mind.

 

Now he carries a lot of blame too, because if he was a stand up guy with your best interest at heart, he would have refused to use you for sex the moment he realized you were developing feelings for him. So as much as I think he was honest about only seeing you as a fling from the beginning, I also think he is a jerk for not stopping using you when he saw what it was doing to you. He is selfish and is taking advantage of your weakness to get his precious sexual releases. He hates hearing about your feelings for him because it makes him feel guilty for using you, his ideal situation would be that you keep dating others and have your emotional needs met by other men, while he gets to use your body every now and then, when the mood strikes. He doesn't want to have to tend to your emotional wellbeing, he doesn't care about your heart or your mind. You are just a body to him.

 

Don't count on him to look out for you and your heart. This is something you have to do on your own. Get it through your head that he doesn't love you, he doesn't want a relationship with you, and there is nothing you can do to change that. You cannot change his mind. You can however change your own perspective, so you can move on easier. Once you realize and get angry over the fact that he only used you as a blow up doll, you won't be able to think of him as highly as you do now. Hopefully you realize you deserve better than to be some guy's sex toy. You haven't been giving other guys real chances, because your mind is set on this one. As soon as you change that, you'll be much happier.

 

Do not send him any angry messages, you won't accomplish anything but break the no contact and have sex with him yet again. It most definitely won't make him feel bad about using you, and won't make him love you either. Keep your no contact (yes, it's doable, we all did it at some point in our lives, it's not pleasant but it's a necessity), and you'll see that once a few weeks go by, it will become easier and easier. Just try to stick with it for longer than a few days, and block his number if you think it would help. And if he still manages to contact you for sex again (because, you know, he "misses" you oh so much), tell him he has 2 hands he can use, your vagina is no longer available to him.

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This is a painful lesson. Now you know to listen when someone straight up tells you they do not want a relationship. I went through something about a year ago, was seeing a guy for a few months, we saw each other every weekend, he made me laugh, complimented me etc. When I finally asked him what we were, he gave me a long spiel about what a great person I was, how pretty I was, etc BUT he didn't want a relationship. It hurt but I moved on because why waste time on someone who isn't going to give you what you need?

 

Honestly, this situation isn't his fault. He was honest with you and you choose to ignore that. Take it as a lesson and focus on yourself, acknowledge the pain, but don't let it over take you.

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Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post!

 

Yes you are all right this is mostly my fault I suppose one of the hardest things about all this is I did enjoy sleeping with him but it came with consequences because I fell for him more and more. So I will miss that. But I just feel like an idiot and am ashamed of myself. I really thought he would of came around to the idea of wanting to be with me. But every time I'd tell him how I was feeling or get close he would always pull away/get distant and that use to bug me.

 

Nc is so hard because I am so angry at him for using me and yes I know I am to blame as well but he really has fu**ed me up

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He isn't to blame as well. He stated his desires for this relationship up front. Every time you tried to introduce feelings, he got cold. And then you went back for more so he figured you were OK with the arrangement again.

 

You did this to you.it is up to you to look out for your best interests...not him.

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