I'm so confused....

Good morning,

This is my first post on here and I don't really know where to start or how to start. I'm going to TRY to make this as sensible as I can, but I would like to state that I have 6 years of not talking about my 'relationship' under my belt, so I may get carried away or ramble a bit.

So, my partner and I are childhood sweethearts. Grew up around the corner from each other and as we got older he was my first boyfriend and we were bf and gf for about 1 year. After that, we both grew up. I moved to the USA and married and had a child. He went and had two children with two different women.

That's the history in a VERY small nutshell. About 7 years ago, my marriage was on the rocks due to infidelity and finances and I made the choice to move home to Ireland with my daughter and start again. I did, and in doing so I met my current partner again.

It was a crazy, fast and passionate romance. He was so charming, attentive, willing and eager with me and my daughter. I moved in with him VERY fast, but with the honest and true intention of getting my own place on my own with my daughter when I got the money together.

Things it seems very suddenly and dramatically changed for us. I can't tell you where or when, but it was within the first year. He started getting mad at everything I did or said. He stayed up all night and slept all day. He was glued to his phone and laptop. He came across me one day looking up two bed rentals and went ballistic on me. I explained that this was my plan, to only live with him until I could afford to move on my own. I didn't think throwing ourselves into this so fast was a good idea. He told me that if we did not live together, then we would not be together.

I feel and felt such a longing to be with him and make him happy, that I went along with it. Next thing I know we have a house together. My family lost their minds. They HATE him, everything about him. They threatened to disown me if I didn't leave him, and I didn't. They didn't speak to me for approx 3 years.

He is in no way physically violent, but my God... he is emotionally draining mentally exhausting 24/7. He has spent the past 5 years on his laptop / phone / in bed with little to no communication with me. The only time we talk is when he is angry and he tells me I'm a bad mother, no wonder I have no friends, no wonder my family hates me, my ex-husband couldn't wait to get away from me, I'm fat, I do nothing, I am useless, he hates having sex with me, he hates me in general, I have ruined his life, before he met me he was on a good path and I destroyed that, his kids hate me, my child hates me, this is his house and he is never leaving and as SOON as he gets a chance he is screwing someone else (He has cheated on me a couple of times too, so this really hurts). If I cry (which I end up doing a lot), he mocks me. If I shout, he laughs at me. If I walk out of the house he tells me not to come back.

When he goes to work, he doesn't say goodbye. He never contacts me other than to tell me he needs something, or he wants me to do something for one of his kids. When he comes home, he LITERALLY walks by me without saying hello and goes upstairs to bed with his laptop. If I try to talk to him, he instantaneously gets infuriated with me and it ends up escalating, so I say nothing. I just sit on my own and wait for him to want me to join him. Sometimes I wait an hour, sometimes he doesn't ask me at all.

I would like to point out that 80% of the time we are civil with one another, mainly with me running around constantly asking if he is ok, does he need anything? Is he mad at me?, but civil nonetheless. Also, after he has his tyraids at me, he will always come to me and say sorry and that he didn't mean it, and he has a lot going on and that he loves me.

THAT confuses the ever-living hell out of me.

Yesterday really upset me. I am SO very ill with the winter vomiting bug. Every day I look after the house, the dinner and kids but could hardly move yesterday without vomiting or pooping (Sorry for the info, but its the truth). I could hardly walk with the pain in my stomach and back. The closer it got to his home time, the more and more nervous I got because I KNEW he would be angry that the house wasn't clean and the dinner wasn't ready. So I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to make dinner for him. He came home in the meantime and walked by me and locked himself in the bathroom with his laptop. I finished his dinner and left it on his bedside table. He came out and ate it, all the while on his laptop with his headphones on. After about 1/2 hour I reached over to touch him and after a few minutes he turned to look at me. "What?" he said. "How are you hun? How was work?" He put his headphones back on and said "Same different day".

So, I spent the evening sipping water in bed and bringing it back up. My partner was MORE than irritated with me because he wanted a pair of pants for his son washed. I dragged myself up to do it, all the time he is shouting at me that "ITS FINE! ILL DO IT". He then tells me that he is sleeping on the sofa because he has to do his sons pants. I explained that it was 7pm and that they would only take 30 mins in the machine and then put them in the dryer.

"ALRIGHT RACHEL, ILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, YEAH? ILL COME SLEEP WITH YOU SO THAT YOU ARE HAPPY, YEAH?"

I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to make him angry or cause trouble, and I asked him why he was so angry, which was met with more anger. I told him that I was sorry that I was not on top of things today, but I really feel terrible. He ignored me.

I went back up to lie down. He came up a while later with his headphones on and ignored me till he fell asleep.

There is a lot, lot more to this than I can put in here, but I love this man. He has a lot of personal crap going on. Two years ago the mother of his daughter, took her away from him. There are reasons for it, not all of it I agree with, but he has not done anything to try and get her back / see her / rectify the situation in ANY way. What he has done is get into physical fights with her new boyfriend in the middle of the town and have people threaten her and her home.

He is in a bad place mentally, and I get that. I do. But, I am really and truly at the stage where I think he is trying to push me out. I want a normal, happy relationship. I just seem to make him angry. He looks at me and I can SEE the annoyance and irritability in his eyes. It makes me sad.

I'm confused because there is so much frustration, anger and general ambivalence towards me, followed by sorrys. Mind you, even the sorrys are getting less and less. Sometimes he says things like he wants me to leave, and later he will say I'm not sorry I said that because it is true, BUT I do love you and want to be with you.

I have told him countless times that I do not want to make him unhappy, and if that is what I am doing, then I WILL leave. He can have the house, he can have EVERYTHING, and I will leave and he always says that he does not want me to leave. I feel like my shell that was cracked... it now rupturing. I don't want to feel sad and lonely, and I especially don't want to feel like that when I look at the man I love.

One more thing. He is glued to his phone and laptop. I have kind of accepted that he talks (sexts) other women on there. I am not allowed near his phone/laptop/facebook/email.... anything. If I even look at his phone funny he looses it. I can't really approach that subject as I have no proof, but I'm not stupid.

Just in regard to myself, my doctor has had me on anti-depressants, ant-anxiety medication, sleeping pills and muscle relaxers for the past four years. I took myself off them in May of this year, and I started counselling, so I am trying to work on myself too.

You don't love this man. You think you do.

It's a toxic, co-dependent relationship and you're addicted to being treated badly.

Work on yourself? Honey, you need to do more than that.

I'm not sure what sort of advice you're looking for. All I can say is, leave and salvage any vestige of your self that you have left. What you're doing is not living, you're slowly killing yourself.

Wow... you do not mince your words. I don't feel like I am killing myself. I feel like I am trying to save or salvage what I can. I feel like I don't want to give up on him, because everyone else has.

I guess I'm looking for advice on other ways to deal with him and his emotions? Maybe something I haven't thought of doing, or not doing?

I disagree that I am 'addicted to being treated badly', because I really wanted to be treated well, and with respect. I REALLY, REALLY do.

Sorry if you think I'm being weak, but I am trying SO hard to be strong. For all of us.

He isn't capable nor does he desire to change. He isnt fixable and nothing you do will change him. What you are doing is showing your daughter that it is OK for men to treat a woman like crap and the woman will sit there and take it. This isn't love. Its abuse.

Again, I want to stress that I could not put everything into this post. I am not easy to live with also, and I recognize that. I am not trying to bash my partner, I am simply trying to understand why he is so angry. I do not sit there and take it. I try to fight back, I try to stand up for myself and I try to calmly explain to him that the way he speaks to me is unacceptable.

I think 'abuse' is too strong of a word for this situation, but you are entitled to your opinion.

This man is cruel and emotionally abusive. You don't want to call it that because you're in denial.

You're afraid of feeling "sad and lonely," but that is NOT love, that's fear and dependency. Being alone is infinitely better than being with someone who makes you miserable. The healthiest people are the ones who aren't afraid of being alone.

Do you work? I ask because you need to squirrel away some money for yourself so that you can leave.