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Wife in love with another man


Dplus3

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Ok, this is my first time on a site like this, but it looks like a lot of people have decent advice. My question is in regards to this being the holidays and all. A little background: my wife (let's call her Jenny) and I will be married 10 years come the first of the year. We have 3 kids - 9, 9 & 2. Several weeks ago, I noticed her suspiciously on the phone a lot more than normal. I checked the phone bill and noticed many texts and calls to some unknown numbers. I asked her about them and she said "it doesn't matter, I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for the whole time, I want a divorce." I was pretty hurt. I started sleeping on the couch. About a week after that I walked by the room to put something away and I saw her on her phone. Ok, no biggie. But when I went back in the kitchen and started doing some dishes, something dinged and it was her actual phone on the side of the diaper bag. At this point I know she has another phone, I call her on it and she says that she is in love with someone else and that person is her ex that she left for me 11 years ago. She said she has always loved him. They have met up and kissed she admits. What else, I don't care to ask.

Sorry for the long intro, but here's my issue. I want to walk the hell out. But....its a week before thanksgiving and about a month or so before Christmas. I told her she is free, I'm not begging her to stay. My issue is that I don't want to bail during the holidays and screw up the kids even more than they will be already. I'm friggin stuck on the couch while she texts and talks and says goodnight or whatever the hell they talk about.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

Signed,

D

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Btw, this other dude got her the extra phone so they can chat and text untraceable by me. I'm not trying to beg for her back, just trying to get advice on how to get through this. Right now, my friend Jack Daniels helps out as needed, lol. I'm keeping that under control though, for anyone who feels the need to lecture on that.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

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The kids Christmas has already been ruined by seeing you sleeping on the couch. Don't hesitate for one second, gather any evidence of her infidelity (phone records, anything) and commence divorce proceedings right NOW. This course of action may shock her and this ex (especially if he's married and gets named in court) in to re-evaluating what they're doing, and also the effect on your children. Just do it first thing Monday, server her papers. Your dignity will be retained intact.

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Aren't you giving up a bit too easily? You've got 3 children - what are you going to do, just slink away without a fight?

 

She's the one that should be sleeping on the couch for a start. Ease up on the Jack Daniels and get your brain into order. Your heart is hurting, and your pride is battered, but you need to ignore them for the time being.

 

Don't move out. Of course you should celebrate with your children! Your wife is the one that has damaged the family unit, why doesn't she move in with the guy she's shagging? Stay where you are and speak to a lawyer.

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What the others said. Go see a divorce attorney STAT, without her knowing. Tell them about the infidelity, gather info either yourself or with a PI--whatever your attorney recommends. Otherwise she might just take you to the cleaners as well as everything else she's doing.

 

And yes, the kids Xmas is already ruined anyways. They know something is up, trust me on that. I could spot problems in my parents marriage a good three months ahead of everyone else and I was under the age of six. If it was me I'd ask her to leave and go to her guy then, but the kids and I are staying put. Then pack her bags and put her on the doorstep. But do that after you've talked to an attorney and gathered what evidence you can. Make sure your financial accounts are such she can't clean you out then disappear.

 

As you get them, so you lose them. She cheated on her ex with you and is apparently now back to cheating on you with him. To say she has a few issues is putting it mildly. Protect yourself and you children right now, because she isn't.

 

Also, can I just say how do women with a child in diapers even find time to conduct an affair? How? Obviously they aren't taking care of the baby, and that's something you need to focus on and make sure a judge knows. It's just appalling.

 

P.S. Send Jack away, she can use that against you and "Jack" can get you into a very bad spot indeed. Sorry, but I hate Jack Daniels, it nearly got me killed during a blizzard one year--well that and my own stupidity. My point is you need a clear head here, hon. Jack's not gonna do that. Not trying to lecture you, but you are in the right here and there are things you can do to power through this, not have her take half or more of everything you own, and cheat on you under you and the kids nose. Don't give her ammo for the divorce, gather it.

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She has made the holidays a mute point.

Right now you're only concern should be her and this person sitting in your house during the holidays.

 

Stop all drinking now!! She will use this against you to get you thrown out of the house.

Secretly/quickly - Contact a lawyer, gather as much evidence as you can and ready yourself for the "talk'.

 

Just before you do, get that phone away from her without her knowing.

She can only have it back after she agrees to leave in front of the cops.

 

At the same time:

- Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book.)

- Think about why your marriage is in trouble and come back to us.

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She is the one cheating...she is the one that leaves the marital bed. Consult a lawyer. Do not move out of the house. If someone is leaving, its her.

 

What the others said. Go see a divorce attorney STAT, without her knowing. Tell them about the infidelity, gather info either yourself or with a PI--whatever your attorney recommends. Otherwise she might just take you to the cleaners as well as everything else she's doing.

 

And yes, the kids Xmas is already ruined anyways. They know something is up, trust me on that. I could spot problems in my parents marriage a good three months ahead of everyone else and I was under the age of six. If it was me I'd ask her to leave and go to her guy then, but the kids and I are staying put. Then pack her bags and put her on the doorstep. But do that after you've talked to an attorney and gathered what evidence you can. Make sure your financial accounts are such she can't clean you out then disappear.

 

These. She broke her vows. If anyone has to leave it should be her. Talking to an attorney is paramount because the way you behave now will have an outcome on any divorce proceedings. For intsance, if you were to get an apartment and move out, they could make an argument that you left the marital home and that could affect who gets awarded the house along with tipping the scales on who gets custody of the kids.

 

Don't let her bait you into conflict. Even a loud argument could end up with the police at your door and that can go wrong in so many ways. Even if you've done nothing wrong you don't want that.

 

Tread carefully.

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These. She broke her vows. If anyone has to leave it should be her. Talking to an attorney is paramount because the way you behave now will have an outcome on any divorce proceedings. For intsance, if you were to get an apartment and move out, they could make an argument that you left the marital home and that could affect who gets awarded the house along with tipping the scales on who gets custody of the kids.

 

Don't let her bait you into conflict. Even a loud argument could end up with the police at your door and that can go wrong in so many ways. Even if you've done nothing wrong you don't want that.

Tread carefully.

 

Listen carefully Dplus ^^

Don't think this can't get worse..., much worse!

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She has made the holidays a mute point.

Right now you're only concern should be her and this person sitting in your house during the holidays.

 

Stop all drinking now!! She will use this against you to get you thrown out of the house.

Secretly/quickly - Contact a lawyer, gather as much evidence as you can and ready yourself for the "talk'.

 

Just before you do, get that phone away from her without her knowing.

She can only have it back after she agrees to leave in front of the cops.

 

At the same time:

- Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book.)

- Think about why your marriage is in trouble and come back to us.

 

I was recommended that book and it gave me the insight to tell her she is free. But the book also said not to put up with this and that is why I want to leave. I can't have her leave as her schedule works perfectly around the kids school and stuff. Sometimes I don't get home from work until 6:30. I don't any family at all here to help out with that.

 

Thanks for all the input. As I said before Jack is not a big part of this, I have a little bit to take the edge off. But I can definitely see where you guys are coming from, so thank you.

 

What if I can't afford the PI and all of the other crap that goes along with this? Does this affect my case in court? She doesn't have funds either, lol. It being Saturday morning, would I truly be able to hand her divorce papers Monday?

 

Also, this marriage will be 10 years old this New Years eve. I read a lot about that 10 year mark being very important. Does filing a month before that anniversary actually make a difference (regarding that specific situation)?

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On the basis of what's being advised here I wouldn't hesitate for a moment on Monday, she has all the power right now so keep quiet this weekend and gather evidence as subtly as possible. Do not move out, take time off work to consult a lawyer and hit her with a brick wall at the earliest opportunity. Lay off the Jack, and let a professional take over.

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If you don't have funds for a PI and all, then you still have phone records. Get copies of those and get the proof of who's number those numbers belonged to. And (I can't believe I'm saying this) if you have a way to get access to her emails and/or texts and can email those to your phone or something yeah.

 

Basically there are ways to get the information. Doing a bit of research or even just finding a PI who might take a small amount to walk you through some of the things could help. Gather what you can though yourself. And even a legal consultant is often free. As dave so wisely advises do all this quietly, don't let her know what's up.

 

You've got some pretty good advise. This is soooo crappy what she's doing. I don't understand how some people can even look themselves in the eyes in a mirror let alone anyone else when they do this crap. I wish you the best of luck sir, sorry to have to make your acquaintance this way is all. You deserve better, so do your kids.

 

And what mhowe said is true yeah, so make sure that divorce happens before that. If she's pushing you to hold on until the holidays that's probably why.

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Protect yourself legally. DO NOTHING without consulting a reputable family lawyer. By walking out you might be giving up some rights to the home, for example.

 

Have some self-respect and;

 

1. Make her sleep on the couch, not you.

 

2. Kick her out of the house if at all possible, IMMEDIATELY. Never mind the holidays or the kids or anything else.

 

3. If you know a reputable hit man...

 

4. If not, document everything IN WRITING and date it. Everything she's said or done that proves her to be the worthless scumbag and unfit mother she is, if you wish to get any, much less sole, custody of your kids. Too often the law is totally tilted in the woman's favor no matter what with respect to custody and financial settlements. Stop at nothing. Steal her phones if you have to. Install a key-logger on the computer if applicable. Again, consult a reputable lawyer in your jurisdiction.

 

5. Wish you the best of luck!

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I may be wrong..., but if you can't do custody, aren't concerned about staying in the house or who may be around your kids: it's simply irreconcilable differences.

I would advise you to never again mention your money concerns.

 

PS, I could tell you read Dobson or something similar. There's nothing more powerful then setting a troubled person free.

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What a scum bucket. At least my ex wife pulled this crap when the kids were much older so I am thankful there. At this point I would get legal advice, even a consultation to see where you stand with the house, pension etc. My cheating wife wanted to stay in the house to "save up some money" but after 3 weeks I told her to get out and she didn't argue. She was the one cheating and wanted out, and financially it helped me because of her guilt she left me everything. She literally took a few pots and pans and probably some other stuff I haven't even noticed gone in 2 years. We were together 24 years so I know how it sucks. Emotionally you sound pretty good, so make sure you take care of your kids and yourself because her head is obviously in the clouds.

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What a scum bucket. At least my ex wife pulled this crap when the kids were much older so I am thankful there. At this point I would get legal advice, even a consultation to see where you stand with the house, pension etc. My cheating wife wanted to stay in the house to "save up some money" but after 3 weeks I told her to get out and she didn't argue. She was the one cheating and wanted out, and financially it helped me because of her guilt she left me everything. She literally took a few pots and pans and probably some other stuff I haven't even noticed gone in 2 years. We were together 24 years so I know how it sucks. Emotionally you sound pretty good, so make sure you take care of your kids and yourself because her head is obviously in the clouds.

 

Wow, 24 years. Sorry man. Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.

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""I asked her about them and she said "it doesn't matter, I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for the whole time, I want a divorce.""

 

Not stupid but false hope is normal....but she made it pretty clear and when they say what she said above they've made their mind up unfortunately...I thought for 7-8 months or so it was a bad dream and she would see the light and come back but no...she is done. Better to plan for the future without her ..

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Am I stupid for hoping things somehow workout?

 

Yes, things can and do work out for millions everyday, but unfortunately because the movement is based on the heat of the moment, (e.g., convenience and/or fear), the reconciliation is usually short-lived.

 

Maybe unbeknownst to you; you have already been taking the first steps toward reconciliation, (i.e., setting her free), but without critical thought on what caused the marriage to drift, any second thoughts/movement would be short-lived.

 

Do you really want to be married to her?

If so, were you compatible from the start?

Was the marriage trapped?

If you were part of the problem; are you willing to change?

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Welcome to ENA

 

I am so sorry to see what is happening in your family.

 

I read through all the post so far.

 

She is rewriting the history of your relationship to make what she is doing seem okay. If she never loved you then she really isn't betraying you right? It is all BS so I want you to do this one thing first. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS! Cheaters lie and then lie some more so you can't trust what she says or does.

 

You have to plan for the worst and hope for the best and that means getting legal advice right now. 10 years is huge so you need to get things going fast or she will get half your retirement.

 

Don't worry about proof, most states are no fault so you could have video of her having sex in your bed on your anniversary and it wouldn't matter. It is extremely hard to prove she is a bad mother or anything like that to affect custody so that isn't viable either.

Like has been mentioned stop drinking right now and pour that stuff out and toss the bottle. If she baits you into a fight and calls the cops they will ask you to leave your own house and file an incident report even if you didn't do anything wrong. Be smart, not emotional.

 

She has turned her love towards this other guy and it is a total fantasy at this point. You cannot compete with a fantasy can you? Don't try because it won't work.

 

First things first. Start sleeping in YOUR own bed. My wife cheated on me and guess who slept on the couch? It wasn't me that is for sure! Sleep in your bed and if she doesn't like it she can sleep on the couch. Don't throw her out of the bedroom but don't give ground either.

 

Don't try and hug her or tell her you love her, just be silent and start getting your stuff straight. This will not be easy but you can do it but you have to protect yourself and the children first.

Once you get the legal advice you will know what your legal options are for that state/county. I can't stress this enough: Information is power so get all the info you can so you can make smart choices from here on out.

 

Could this work out somehow? I will be straight with you like the guy was that I saw when I first found out my wife was cheating on me. She isn't thinking clearly right now and will not listen to reason from you or anyone else so how could this work out? More than likely you will end up divorced but I have seen these things turn around after the husband took a firm stand, got legal advice and started moving forward with deliberate action.

 

I am sorry this has happened. I know how much it hurts but keep posting and take the advice you are getting. Best to call your best friend and talk this out with him as well. You need some support during all this and don't be embarrassed because your wife is cheating on you. You didn't do this, she did.

 

Lost

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This roller coaster of emotion is crazy. This weekend was probably the worst weekend of my life. It started with my wife telling me she was going out with friends. I had a hunch that was BS, but I let her go anyway. I went to her brothers house (we are good friends) to watch the fight. I came back home about 11:30 and her car was at the house and nobody was home. I called her and she was at the other dudes house drinking and talking with him and his family because it was his birthday. I didn't want to be there when he came and dropped her back off so I bailed and went back to my bro in laws house. (Kids were spending the night with her mom, btw). As I was driving there, the other dude called me and started explaining that it was over and he loves her too and all of that. I let him speak his mind for some reason, I think because I wanted to know the truth of how deep things were. Anyway, told him she was all his and I finally arrived at their house. They asked what's up and I told them everything. She was in love with her old boyfriend, not with me, wants a divorce, etc. I didn't do anything spitefully, or disrespectful to her. I wasn't whining either. Her family has grown to be mine as well. I had no other place to go. I didn't sleep at all that night. She was pissed that I went there and talked to them, but I didn't really have anyplace to go. I'm like, it's going to cone out eventually. But I guess I messed up thier plans of introducing him slowly, lol.

 

Today, for some stupid reason of not wanting to go out without a fight (especially for the kids), I actually thought she might be confused. She gave some wierd vibes that I guess I interpreted the wrong way. I sent her some articles on working through things and stuff like that (dumb, yes I know. I'm a fool) I come home and we talk a bit and she starts crying saying that the stuff I sent made her feel trapped and this other dude is "the love of her life". Man, what was I thinking? So dumb to think she might choose counseling over divorce papers.

 

I find myself so pissed at some moments and so hurt and painful the others. Its like I'm going insane. I hear all of your advice about this situation and appreciate most of your feedback . I know once I move forward with the divorce papers, I will start to move forward emotionally as well.

 

I will be updating as I can. This I still all a fresh wound so it's still a bit tender. Sorry for rambling.

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