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Should I stop seeing him every day? See if he'll realize that he does miss me...


whybeautiful

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So, we had a very tumultuous relationship because of my selfish behavior. This led to our break up. We used to fight every day. I took some time to seriously evaluate myself, got help, and stopped the behavior. The selfish behavior hasn't occurred since then. Since the break up, we have spent basically every night together. I know he isn't seeing any one else.

 

It's been a few months since the break up. He does love me I believe, I know he sees the improvements in me, but now he's happy with the way things are.

 

He basically gets to date me, not deal with the negatives of it, but can technically see others. Though he's not seeing anyone else (hasn't even talked to another woman), he says that he appreciates the way things are where he doesn't have to answer to anyone. I wish he understood he wouldn't have to answer to me if he were to commit to me. I would trust him at his word.

 

How should I proceed? Its my fault that our 2 year relationship ended. He endured a lot from me. He's scared that the changes I have demonstrated over the past three months are temporary (they are not but I understand why he thinks that). I really love him and think that we can have a very strong relationship in the future.

 

Should I stop seeing him every day? See if he'll realize that he does miss me and want to be with me and if not move on (I dont think I'll be able to move on)? Should I just take things as they are until he does start seeing someone else? I really want to be with him, and I wish there was a way to proceed that could lead me to this goal.

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You might have grown as a person but the relationship does not look that way and he looks like he is fine with that...

 

He likes the down graded version of you because say he does hook up with a girl or go out or even want to go out with the guys you cant complain, and deep down I think you know that.

 

Its perfect for him but what about you?

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That would be (and is) my question to him lol. It's because he is now free to see other people I guess. It's not the same with my spending time there I guess. I think his answer to the question would be that I spend every night at his place because I would be sad if he were to not allow it. But I have my own apartment in the area. I don't think I can say "well I'm sad we are broken up and get back together with him".

 

He doesn't say I love you every few hours any more like he used to. Good bye kisses are on the cheeks not on the lips. I can't kiss him in public as much as before (I have to ask now). He makes it seem like he is seeing other people (forgetting the fact that he spends every second of his day with me). I'm so hurt I guess that we are at this stage.

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It's true that I can't complain. I guess I do get sad when he made plans to attend a party on Halloween. He asked me why I was sad and I told him that since I am not there and he is technically single he can hook up with anyone he wants to. He didn't go to the party (he says because he wanted me to be happy). And we had this conversation in his apartment where he was going to leave me for a few hours while he went out and came back.

 

I don't like it. What do I do? Have I shown him I have grown or do I need to spend more time doing that?

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First of all, if you had any selfish behavioural issues, I don’t believe these can be solved in a few months. Working on yourself is hard and it takes time.

 

If you spend the night together, I guess you mean to say that you have sex together. So he gets all the benefits, but you are not his girlfriend, you are not even dating, since the two of you broke up remember? He can see other girls, he is not obliged to go out with you. (And does not eventually need to spend money on you).

 

Why do you want this?

 

Good bye kisses are on the cheeks not on the lips. I can't kiss him in public as much as before (I have to ask now).

 

WHAT? Why of why do you not have more self-respect?

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Blue-skirt, I'm confused as to why good bye kisses being on the cheek instead of the lips since someone feels confused is me showing lack of self-respect. I am also unsure as to why asking each other if its okay to kiss is bad?

 

We don't have sex. I just spend the night cuddling. We have dinner out every day. He buys me chocolates, flowers, and gifts. But this kind of stuff isn't important to me.

 

I didn't realize that certain aspects of my behavior are selfish. I put a stop to said behavior when I figured out they were selfish. I am very disciplined and have not acted in a selfish way towards him since then. The evidence of this is in the drastic decrease in fights from once every week to 0 the past three months.

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Also, blue skirt, what do you recommend I do? Do you think it would be best if I just completely started ignoring him? He is currently at a meeting. We don't have any plans on meeting up, but we for sure will as we generally do. When he calls, would it be best to not pick up? I want this to work, but I also don't want to get played.

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After two years of strife, three months is just not enough to show that things have changed permanently.

In addition to that, I don't think that you realize the damage your actions have cause to the other person. They also need to time to recover mentally and emotionally.

Like it or not, at the moment he is just not there and not recovered. Pushing him is not going to help your cause. Giving him some time and space to sort himself out might, but there is no guarantee that he won't move on ultimately just because of the past damage done.

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For me a break up is a break up. That means it’s over, no contact, take your stuff and go. I don’t understand your type of arrangement, that just does not exist in my world.

So it’s time to stay single for a while, continue to work on yourself, and find someone who really loves you.

 

Ask to kiss him in public ? NEVER! I’d rather be single. I am a happy single actually.

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We're not having sex because I don't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, and he is too hurt/afraid to make that commitment. We do kiss on the lips, the arrangement is that we have to ask first as to not make the other person comfortable. Asking consent to kiss someone is normal behavior, I thought?

 

For the first six months, we asked consent to kiss each other mostly because I was uncomfortable. Eventually, we got comfortable and stopped doing that. Now, we are right back there...

 

Does that change your opinion mhowe?

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I'm so confused as to how I am the booty call girl if there is NO SEX?

 

 

He can be using you for other things. Guys can monkey branch too. its actually happens a lot where they use their ex to transition into a new relationship. Its so they don't feel that empty feeling before finding something better (in their opinion)

 

you are comfortable to him.

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I really appreciate your response DancingFool. It seems that you understand where you are coming from. I'm really interested as a result in hearing your suggestion. In giving him time and space, are you suggesting that I completely cut contact? Are you suggesting I maintain this level of contact as long as he seems to not be interested in seeing anyone else?

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We're not having sex because I don't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, and he is too hurt/afraid to make that commitment. We do kiss on the lips, the arrangement is that we have to ask first as to not make the other person comfortable. Asking consent to kiss someone is normal behavior, I thought?

 

For the first six months, we asked consent to kiss each other mostly because I was uncomfortable. Eventually, we got comfortable and stopped doing that. Now, we are right back there...

 

Does that change your opinion mhowe?

 

One of the stranger relationships I've ever heard of. You aren't a Duggar are you?

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That's a really good explanation of what might be going on. However, I don't think he is looking to be in another relationship or have a hook up buddy or whatever. Do you suggest I cut off all contact or what? I get what you are trying to say. I've just never been in this type of situation and am unsure of how to proceed.

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We're not having sex because I don't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, and he is too hurt/afraid to make that commitment. We do kiss on the lips, the arrangement is that we have to ask first as to not make the other person comfortable. Asking consent to kiss someone is normal behavior, I thought?

 

For the first six months, we asked consent to kiss each other mostly because I was uncomfortable. Eventually, we got comfortable and stopped doing that. Now, we are right back there...

 

Does that change your opinion mhowe?

 

 

After the first time....I have never heard of anyone, ever asking their bf/gf if they can kiss them on the lips. It is no where near the norm.

 

I really think you need to start staying at your own place. His trauma from your earlier relationship isn't near close to being over.

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The thing is I think you are helping him to cope with the breakup. He doesn't have to eat, hang out, or sleep alone so you know, that is great for him! Trust me when I tell you, sex or no sex, he is taking advantage of you and he has the upper hand here. If he starts dating or meets someone it will be so awful for you, it will be worse than getting dumped the first time. TRUST ME, because getting dumped for someone else will be worse than getting dumped due to issues of incompatibility.

 

Now is not the time for games, do not just ignore his call all of a sudden, as this will be so incredibly transparent to him. I would tell him that you two are either on or off, and that this middle ground game is not working for you. Then tell him to give you a call if he wants to chat about how to make that happen. Then you go quiet and leave it up to him to sort out.

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mhowe, that's what I asked from him in terms of physical contact because I was uncomfortable with it. It was my first kiss and I was scared that I was a bad kisser, so I would have him ask because I wanted time to prepare etc. Eventually, I grew up and got over it lol

 

Thanks for the suggestion mhowe. Do you suggest I say anything to him as I make this transition? Anything from "I want to give you space to heal" to "I'm not interested in hearing from you until you are ready to get back together, and if you're not don't contact me" are options, but I'm unsure as to what would be best, kind, and most appropriate.

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That's what my friends say before saying that we're a solid couple who will make it, and that he is probably not giving you the title because you end up going crazy whenever you have it, that I should just enjoy the relationship as is, that he is a good guy who isn't using you, that its a weird situation but we're a weird couple, etc.

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