Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Going over the relationship in my head, there are some instances that I keep replaying. One was about two months before I left her. She was going to be at a convention until around 5pm, and said she'd be home around 8pm. I had texted her when the convention let out, and no response. 6pm, 7pm, no response. Let it go until 9pm, still no response and her kids said she still wasn't home. I got a call from her, half drunk at 11:30pm, saying there was an after-party and she was just leaving. I was pretty upset and something didn't feel right. I don't snoop unless I get a really bad feeling (and the only two times my gut was right), and so I did after we got off the phone. Her Facebook messages were with some guy whom she worked with about a decade earlier - he was quite a bit older than her, but was at the convention too, first something about her suggesting he buy her dinner (which according to the messages, and her, ended up not happening after all), then him saying "where are you? we're up at the hotel room, I have your favorite wine." This guy had sent her a message quite some time (a year or two) back saying something flirty like "I wish I had a woman like you!", and so now her not mentioning this hotel room with this guy really bugged me. So I called her and asked who was all at the hotel room. She sad that guy, a couple of other men and women, and that it was a catered thing at a hotel room that she was invited to. So I asked why she couldn't have texted me during those 6 and a half hours, she said her phone was dead so she plugged it into her car. I said "When you plugged it into your car you had power, you couldn't have just texted me a 2-second text saying 'Hi honey, I got invited to a party and my phone is dead so it's charging, love you, talk to you a bit later'"? Didn't even let her kids know? All she kept saying was "but my phone was dead and my car was far away". I said yes or no? And she kept saying "My phone was dead". Over and over. So I said "If you don't give me a straight yes or no answer I'm hanging up because I feel you're taking me for a fool". And I wound up hanging up. She called three more times but refused to give me a yes or no answer and I kept hanging up until she called and said "Yes, I could have texted you." I asked why she didn't, and she said "Because my phone was dead!" Around and around in circles. And I felt like a jerk. She didn't tell me about this guy and the hotel room thing and couldn't just drop me one single text saying her phone was dying, and I felt like a jerk. I know now it doesn't matter, but was I wrong to be upset? Link to comment
DoF Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 You were fighting/complaining to her about her yes and no answer.........her not picking up the phone.....while totally ignoring the fact that she was engaging into inappropriate behavior with a men on facebook and NOW she was at a hotel room with him? Upon "he is here...." i would've packed up and disappeared from her life for good. Are you kidding me? Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 She had sworn up and down nothing happened and that there were about ten people there and that one of the companies that sponsored the convention had a catered after party in that room, also that this man was 15 years older than her and absolutely nothing happened and she did nothing but brag about me to him and a couple of the other girls there that she knew from her previous job. Also that nothing inappropriate went on and she even gave me the guy's number and said here call him, here's his number. Ask who was all there. So I didn't know what to believe. Also to clarify, I had called her asking who was at the hotel room after I'd found out she was at a hotel room from her fb messages, and that was after she'd gotten home. Link to comment
TMifune Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I think you know the answer to your question already. You don't need our reassurance. I think sometimes when we're raised on the idea of sacrificial love, somewhere deep inside we believe in doing anything at all for the people we love. And sometimes, if we let it, that leads us to feel guilty when we actually assert our own needs, when we stand up for ourselves. We forgot that reciprocity is paramount and end up convincing ourselves that we're somehow bad for noticing out partner's lack of reciprocity. It's just a reminder that it is "okay" for us to have needs too, and that when people make excuses for why they're not respecting our needs, they aren't honoring the precious gift that we were trying to give them in the first place. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 You're right. I do know the answer. I guess i was thinking out loud and yeah, hoping for a little approval, but really i only need my own approval. I may never know what really happened and maybe it was even nothing, but there are at least a few ways she put me last in that situation. And I know if the roles were reversed I NEVER would have gone thst route out of respect for her. That was always one thing she could never do, is put herself in my shoes. If I was hurt by something she did, she wouldn't understand why unless I laid out a scenario where roles were reversed. A 43 year old woman should know how to do that on her own. Thank you guys. I mean it. Link to comment
BeHeard Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I'm not sure what the situation is or why she did what she did. I dot want to make assumptions. But either way, whether someone else was in this picture or not, her actions were disrespectful to you. It is common courtesy to keep in touch with someone when you are in a relationship if the time extends beyond the agreed time they were supposed to be out. And I wouldn't call the guy and ask him since I'm sure they had time to rehearse that script. I would tell her you are going to choose 2-3 people of your own determination to follow up with in regards to a brief on the party and see how she reacts. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Are you the party police or something? You are acting like her keeper. Have you asked her to marry you? Are you both single? She is free to do as she wants. I'm sorry, but you acted inappropriately. If I were her, I would lose your number permenantly. Link to comment
siegfri333 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Are you the party police or something? You are acting like her keeper. Have you asked her to marry you? Are you both single? She is free to do as she wants. I'm sorry, but you acted inappropriately. If I were her, I would lose your number permenantly. Typical response of a female who wants to do as she please in any circumstances without being accountable for anything, to anyone. Not even her partner in love. Getting drunk in hotel rooms at night with perfect strangers is totally innapropriate, and even dangerous. If she wants to get laid that way then that's not a man she needs at home, but NSA relationships for the rest of her life. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Are you the party police or something? You are acting like her keeper. Have you asked her to marry you? Are you both single? She is free to do as she wants. I'm sorry, but you acted inappropriately. If I were her, I would lose your number permenantly. This was during said relationship and we were together for two years by that time and marriage was discussed, actually. And I know for a fact that if I pulled the same thing with her and didn't show up at home even close to when I said I'd be, AND didn't text her to let her know where I was AND was at a hotel party with someone who had sent me a flirty message in the past AND failed to mention that, she would absolutely explode. Any one of those ANDs by itself would tick her off royally. And I have a feeling a lot of people would be suspicious in thst situation. She would lose it with me if I even SPOKE in front of her with someone whom she PERCEIVED was flirting with me. She once accused me of flirting with someone who wasn't even in the same room with me (I was talking to my own aunt at the time, not even woman in question, and I had never even spoken to said woman). Link to comment
TMifune Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 This was during said relationship and we were together for two years by that time and marriage was discussed, actually. Yeah, I'm not convinced she actually read your post. I'd just ignore it. I'd consider it disrespectful for a practical stranger to not text or call me to tell me that plans that affected me had changed. I think an intimate partner should have an even higher standard. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 In the end we all wish we could have handled some confrontations/arguments better but in the heat of the moment we do the best we can and then hopefully learn from it for the next time. In this instance it may have been best to discuss this in person. I imagine this wasn't a one and done type of thing and there were plenty of other instances where something along these lines has happened where you were the last thing on her mind. Yes you were right that once she plugged her phone in even if it was totally dead she could have texted you within a minute or so of plugging it in. She went to all the trouble of going to her car to plug it in but didn't even bother to let her children know she would be 3 1/2 hrs late getting home? It sounds like she does this with everyone not just you. The FB messages are the icing on the cake. You did the right thing. Lost Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Either way, when you're in a relationship with someone, certain boundaries have to be established out of respect for your partner. She violated some of these. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Thank you, that makes me feel a bit better. It wasn't frequent, but yes there were times the same thing would happen. Once she wanted to go out with a couple of mutual friends (I wasn't able to go), and I'd ask that she drink responsibly and text me every couple of hours to let me know she was good. Of course, she'd get wasted and not text me for 3 hours and when I DID hear from her, she was "fine" and drove herself home, only for me to get the story later on from mutual friends that no, she wasn't fine, almost got them kicked out and one of our friends had to drive her home. And if I ever said anything in a situation like that, I was the one made to feel crazy and overreactive while she'd flat-out lie, either by omission or to my face. She had said her ex-husband accused her of gaslighting very often. She HATED that term. Unfortunately that's exactly what she did. I hate that I keep going over these things in my head, but maybe it'll help me to spot these issues before they happen in future relationships. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I think that it's a bit territorial of you to ask her to text you that often, when you know she's out with friends. She's 43 and an adult. She can make her own decisions and has been for decades. On the same token, she's 43; she should not be putting herself into situations where she needs a boyfriend to check on her welfare if he knows she's going out with friends. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I think that it's a bit territorial of you to ask her to text you that often, when you know she's out with friends. She's 43 and an adult. She can make her own decisions and has been for decades. On the same token, she's 43; she should not be putting herself into situations where she needs a boyfriend to check on her welfare if he knows she's going out with friends. I hear you. Yes maybe asking to text every couple of hours was a bit much, but I knew her drinking had gotten her into bad situations before and I wanted to know she wasn't acting a fool or getting into trouble. Every time she would hang out with them I was wondering "what mess is she going to get into now". And the friends would just let her run wild and sit in the corner acting like they didn't know her. However, I chose a person like that. And I'm trying to work on the why so I don't choose such a person again. Link to comment
Blue_Skirt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Seymore, I have not followed your story, so I really can’t comment on that. But since you are reflecting your past relationship, which I think is a good thing, I saw this sentence of you: Once she wanted to go out with a couple of mutual friends (I wasn't able to go), and I'd ask that she drink responsibly and text me every couple of hours to let me know she was good. Maybe you said this with the best intention, but if my boyfriend would say this to me and ask me to text every few hours, I would really ask him whether he is a parent of mine. Because I am a grown woman, an adult and if once I want to go out, that’s what I do and I don’t want to feel the pressure to have to “report” any few hours. I am not saying this judge you or anything, but just for you to think about how this might come across totally different than you had in mind. Keep working on yourself and keep your head up! Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Looks like you've added something to your list of red flags. No alcohol, or light drinking at the very most. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Exactly. I've been in relationships where I didn't feel the need to check up or any of that. With ones like her, however, I knew a night out was going to end in drama so yeah, I felt the need to check on her. We both texted each other VERY frequently anyway so I guess that's why it didn't feel like a lot to ask, as it would be status quo to text while we were out. So that's what made going for 2 or 3 hours with no text was weird. Heck, ONE hour with no texts was weird. She'd ask me if something was wrong. Although I still don't think one little "having fun, thinking of you" text in 3 hours is too much to ask. Link to comment
Blue_Skirt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Although I still don't think one little "having fun, thinking of you" text in 3 hours is too much to ask. You see, I had very controlling parents and I don’t want that in a relationship. And I also HATE texting, lol. I don’t need to know every few hours what my partner is doing. You see, we are all different. But you already did not trust her, that’s why you wanted her to text. With a different girlfriend with whom you would not have had trust issues, you probably would have been fine. Link to comment
WithLove Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 All of my prior relationships were like that, too. Tons of texting, mostly stuff of inconsequence. The one I'm in now - we hardly text at all. It's been a very big adjustment for me. He lives an hour away, so to offset the time in between visits, I asked him for something. I needed a little more communication, and he's not big on texting. So, he calls me. Not every day, but a few times a week. Sometimes for 5, 10 minutes; sometimes for half an hour. We just chat about our day, what we've been up to. Solidify plans for seeing each other. Then, when we do see each other, it makes it that much better. You don't really need so much communication. You really don't. It's hard at first. I've been seeing my boyfriend for 3 months; if you've read my journal on here, you'll see that the first month with him was the rockiest, because I couldn't find a balance from the lack of communication. I didn't know how to tell if it was just me being too needy, or him not responding to my needs. It turned out to be a little bit of him and a lot of me. I backed off and chilled out. And made my life about me instead of him. And it worked. He initiates contacting me more, and I don't concentrate so much on hearing from him - I just concentrated on my own life. And it's good. I'm just telling you this as a story to take into account for when you're ready to date again. It's not all about keeping tabs on each other. It's about enjoying the time together when you have it. Link to comment
faraday Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 In the end we all wish we could have handled some confrontations/arguments better but in the heat of the moment we do the best we can and then hopefully learn from it for the next time. In this instance it may have been best to discuss this in person. I imagine this wasn't a one and done type of thing and there were plenty of other instances where something along these lines has happened where you were the last thing on her mind. Yes you were right that once she plugged her phone in even if it was totally dead she could have texted you within a minute or so of plugging it in. She went to all the trouble of going to her car to plug it in but didn't even bother to let her children know she would be 3 1/2 hrs late getting home? It sounds like she does this with everyone not just you. The FB messages are the icing on the cake. You did the right thing. Lost I love this post. Yes, she could have texted. I'd like to add... it's over. It's been done for a few months...It's them to let it go. When you think about it, think "she didn't treat me the way I want to be treated by a wife. She's not my future. There's someone better for me." And push thoughts of her away. Focusing on accepting that it's over and that there is no hope of a happy ending with her. There is someone else out there for you. Focus on that future instead of the past. You can't move forward if you're looking back. Link to comment
Blue_Skirt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I was in a LDR, 3 hours 15 minutes drive. We would see each other during the weekend. We would send an e-mail in the morning and then later at night to see when we would have to time to speak over the phone. We would call each other almost every day. Just to talk about the day, sometimes shorter sometimes longer. Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 You don't really need so much communication. You really don't. It's hard at first. I understand. I guess I'm used to a lot of communication from the past 2.5 years. She WAY overdid it with me so I assumed that was going to be the norm with us. I mean 10-20 or so texts per hour was the minimum. EVERY little thing. I saw a cute rabbit. Someone just cut me off. My sandwich is gross. Things like that. So I guess by contrast, going 2 hours with no text in THAT particular relationship was odd. And yes, I had trust issues. She'd cheated on people in the past and a whole load of other stuff, so I never could establish that trust, despite her adopting the "I've changed, I'm not who I was back then, you make me want to settle down finally" attitude. The actions kinda made me wonder and doubt that. But like I said, I have to find someone that wouldn't even make me THINK of not trusting them. Someone who was responsible and that I wouldn't feel insecure about. I wouldn't always feel the need to wonder what they were doing. Link to comment
Mari Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Going over the relationship in my head, there are some instances that I keep replaying. One was about two months before I left her. She was going to be at a convention until around 5pm, and said she'd be home around 8pm. I had texted her when the convention let out, and no response. 6pm, 7pm, no response. Let it go until 9pm, still no response and her kids said she still wasn't home. And I felt like a jerk. She didn't tell me about this guy and the hotel room thing and couldn't just drop me one single text saying her phone was dying, and I felt like a jerk. I know now it doesn't matter, but was I wrong to be upset? You were right to be upset for the fact that she said she'd be home by 8pm and didn't call you till 11:30. Without knowing what happened in that hotel room you don't know enough to be upset with her being with someone else. She turned down having dinner with that guy. You could ask that she remove people from her facebook that make inappropriate date requests. You can be upset about her being unreasonably jealous. You can be upset about her going to a hotel room and getting half drunk. You can't be upset about infidelity without proof. Half of the reason why that guy would message her could just be to break up whomever she is with. Your real question of asking her why she couldn't contact you was did you cheat on me with that guy and why are you not more transparent. She may have just been irresponsible, which may be something that wouldn't have worked out for you. Link to comment
DoF Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 She would lose it with me if I even SPOKE in front of her with someone whom she PERCEIVED was flirting with me. She once accused me of flirting with someone who wasn't even in the same room with me (I was talking to my own aunt at the time, not even woman in question, and I had never even spoken to said woman). Often, those that go around accusing others of cheating......are the ones doing the deed themselves! There is a GOOD reason for her lack of trust and insecurity....it's HER and she is mirroring that onto YOU. WATCH OUT Run forest RUN Link to comment
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