Boyfriends overbearing mother. HELP!

Hey all. Just need an outside perspective on this one : I am crazy about the guy I've been dating (26) and we've been dating almost a year. However his overbearing mother might get the better of us. Not only does she constantly call him, she is absolutely obsessed with him spending time at home every weekend. I love that he's close with his family but i hate centering our weekend plans around going to his place. The reason she wants him home is to play with his nephew , which again is great bc hes really close to the little guy (5 yrs old) But while i understand being close to your family if we wanted to center every weekend about kids we would have a kid. She guilt him when he makes plans with me on the weekend to come see the kids and promises the kids he will be there so they get expectant. We both work really early during the week so when she statts blowing him up at 830 to tell them they're waiting for him it drives me nuts!!! As a 24 year old i wanna spend my saturday morning relaxing hence why i have no kids. He obviously loves his nephews and hes there almost every weekend but if he has to miss one because we have something important she blows him up all day asking where he is and then ed at him later for not making it. I feel like this is really unfair because his nephew's mother (his sis) got to enjoy her 20's and her mornings with her bf and whatever else without having kids to take care of and now just because she had kids he has to spend half his time helping her because she and his mom make it his responsibility. Call me crazy but i feel like at this age i need to feel like a guy will put me and us first because hes figuring out his own life with me in it, and while family is always important, its important for family to let him have his own life. They dont even call and ask if wants to come over they just text to say they are on the way and are expecting him. His mother is so obsessed with him playing with his nephews that even if the little boy is playing with his dad she will tell him to jump in and get the nephew to play with him instead. I just know its not something im up for doing every weekend and she gets really passive aggressive with me when i dont want to come with him every time. Help. Im not sure how to breach this topic with him but i know if i dont we won't end up lasting...

Its up to you to talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and its up to him how he responds to your needs. If he's not willing to have a heart to heart with his mother about not wanting to always be there when his nephews come, well then its your turn to make a decision as to whether or not you're with the right guy for you.

Bottom line is that as long as he runs when she calls, she's going to keep calling.

First and foremost, you are NOT communicating with your boyfriend. Express EXACTLY how you feel about all this. Before you do though, say few positive things about him and your relationship.

See what he says/how he feels.

After that, I would simply start scheduling events/things OUTSIDE of "going to see his nephew". Read: MAKE PLANS. This weekend, tell him you are doing a, b and c. Ask him if he woudl like to join you to do those things. If he doesn't and even if you don't end up doing ANYTHING, ACT like you are busy.

Basically DO NOT go there and be with him if he is going to dedicate MOST of his free time to his family vs you. But he also shouldn't be dedicating MOST of his time to you either, so it's up to HIM to strike a proper/healthy balance.

If you are consistant, in time, if he loves you, he will miss you and will want to be with you right?

2nd weekend, do the same thing.

3rd weekend, DO NOTHING. let HIM schedule something with you. If he doesn't let it go........do your thing.

At this point, you did your part, and you allowed him to prove his love to you and do his part. If he shows NO interest in being with you or doesn't schedule anything and just spends time with his nephew, what does that tell you?

it SHOULD tell you that he is not too into you and perhaps he doesn't love you or enjoys your company as much as you thought.

At this point you re evaluate your relationship and consider ending it. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you/around you right?

Good luck

What does your bf think about this? Is he ok with it or has he had enough too? It's his job to tell his mom no, we won't be over til later or not at all that day. It's not up to you to say that to her. He has to learn to stand up to his mother and until he does that nothing will change.

Hey all. Just need an outside perspective on this one : I am crazy about the guy I've been dating (26) and we've been dating almost a year. However his overbearing mother might get the better of us.

His mother won't get the best of you—your boyfriend is an adult who is choosing to accommodate her. He chooses to answer her calls, go to her home, etc.

Also, you can do things on your own while he goes over to see his family. You don't have to go every time.

This is who he is. You can certainly tell him that you would like to do something with him without being interrupted by a phone call or a request to visit his family, but that's about all you can do.

I also don't think that seeing family every weekend is that excessive if they live nearby. Maybe a weekend off every once in a while is a fair request, but overall, what he's doing doesn't sound that insane.

I understand where you are coming from but the only thing you can do is adapt. Your mother in law is set in her ways,

As a result its solely in your hands and the way that you manage the way this affects you. There's nothing you can do but to ask your boyfriend to talk to his mum about it and for him to try and resolve the problem.

Where the hell are his nephews parents anyways? Why is his mother taking care of the kid every weekend?

Sounds pretty bizarre IMO.

Does he live at home with his parents or does he live elsewhere? Did they have "family day" on Saturdays before you were in the picture? If he doesn't live with his parents, I would suggest that he calls his sister and sets up times to see the nephew when its convenient for him - that could be in the evening, a different time on the weekend. But if he LIKES seeing the nephew on the weekend, there is not much you can do.

I think you can avoid mom blowing up the phone all day if your bf tells her ahead of time he won't be there instead of simply not showing up. Or saying he going between this time and this time and that's it.

Its not about you, though - really. Its about him deciding what boundaries he wants to set.

 

Its not about you, though - really. Its about him deciding what boundaries he wants to set.

Well, that's a bit of a stretch IMO. It is somewhat about OP. After all, her boyfriend decides to dedicate more tiem with his family/nephew than HER.

I think it's important that relationships are people's priority, clearly OP doesn't feel like she is a priority (her nephew/mom are).

Thanks for the replies guys !

I am definitely comfortable going off by myself on the weekends. However he gets sad when i say I'd rather take the day for myself and his mom takes it really personally if i dont come. I honestly wouldnt mind if it was like lunch or dinner once a week bc his family is great and we've known each other for years butnhen and i just started dating . However what literally happens is we get there and everyone just sits in a circle while he plays with the nephew ... its mind numbing . And my other issue is with the guilting : if he misses a weekend bc we had plans they act like he doesn't love them and that they're disappointed and i see how much that bothers him. The see it Like it automatically negates everything else he does.

Also to answer : the kids mom will be there while theyre at grandmas house but she just sits back and relaxes and lets everyone else parent. Very frustrating to watch. Then every time he and i slip outside for a cigarette were met with more dirty looks . Or we will be over relaxing and the mom will just volunteer my boyfriend taking him places and buying him stuff without talking to the bf about it first.

Thanks for the replies guys !

I am definitely comfortable going off by myself on the weekends. However he gets sad when i say I'd rather take the day for myself and his mom takes it really personally if i dont come. I honestly wouldnt mind if it was like lunch or dinner once a week bc his family is great and we've known each other for years butnhen and i just started dating . However what literally happens is we get there and everyone just sits in a circle while he plays with the nephew ... its mind numbing . And my other issue is with the guilting : if he misses a weekend bc we had plans they act like he doesn't love them and that they're disappointed and i see how much that bothers him. The see it Like it automatically negates everything else he does.

That situation is rather extreme and quite toxic. Look, I'm all about family but that type of attention for a child and that kind of time investment is quite damaging for EVERYONE involved.

You nor your boyfriend should NOT dedicate all of your free time to his family. What about YOUR family? What about YOUR relationship? What about YOU?

Do NOT feel guity. Strike a proper balance. Go there once a week for 2-3 hours and call it a day. What your boyfriend does, it's on him.

If he gets sad....let him get sad....it's NOT your problem, let him deal with it, he is a big boy.

Also to answer : the kids mom will be there while theyre at grandmas house but she just sits back and relaxes and lets everyone else parent. Very frustrating to watch. Then every time he and i slip outside for a cigarette were met with more dirty looks . Or we will be over relaxing and the mom will just volunteer my boyfriend taking him places and buying him stuff without talking to the bf about it first.

First off, don't smoke

Second, dirty looks shoudl only drive you AWAY rather than force you to do what this POS EXPECTS you to do.

And they are hitting your wallets too?

That's not healthy...sorry

You teach people how to treat you. As long as bf goes over there each wkend and spends hours there, they will expect it. If he tells them no, not today, and they get mad, that's just too bad. They will get over it. He needs to decide how much time he wants to spend with them, and do that. Mom should not be running his adult life.

Also, phones have mute buttons and on/off buttons. If she is calling all the time, turn the damn phone off!

You teach people how to treat you. As long as bf goes over there each wkend and spends hours there, they will expect it. If he tells them no, not today, and they get mad, that's just too bad. They will get over it. He needs to decide how much time he wants to spend with them, and do that. Mom should not be running his adult life.

 

Also, phones have mute buttons and on/off buttons. If she is calling all the time, turn the damn phone off!

Yep, chances are her boyfriend has white knight syndrome or "nice guy" syndrome as well. And people around him are using it AGAINST him.

Once you meet other people's expectations, expect it to become the NORM. Read: be VERY careful about doing what people ask you to do. Never do too much, never do too little.

Honestly, his family sound very enmeshed and this is unlikely to change. Family pressure is huge and if it comes down to displeasing your or displeasing his family, you are going to lose.

Either you give up wanting to do something other than watching your boyfriend play with his nephew, or you will have to make a break.

It's going to be a tough conversation to have and you might want to write out what you want to say and get some feed back first before you talk to him, but you do NEED to talk to him.

You also need to stand your own ground in this. Personally if I were you I would only go over ever other weekend which us more then generous in my opinion.

He deff has white knight syndrome and always wants to be available and helpful and i love that, but i can see it getting abused sometimes. I just dont want him to feel like its me or them because its not ... but we talk about the future and getting married possibly in a few years and im scared that even when we are married his sister and mom will keep trying to pull him over there. Bc to be honest in my family we were kept busy on the weekends and while family time was important . Doing stuff was a priority to my dad they are more home bodies and content to drive an hour each way to grandmas and just play at her house. I dont want that life . And im scared about making him feel torn

Well, first of all if you talk about this and there is no compromise, you can take getting married off the table. You can offer to make some.compromise....wean the family off weekly; you will only go every other week....he can go alone every other week, etc.

Right now he has no reason to compromise because....you don't want him to be sad.

It would totally be different if there was anything else going on but everyone just sits in a circle and entertains the kids and encourages bad behavior like yelling running spitting water at everyone and eating a dozen munchkins . And no one can reprimand him bc he just fake cries and they all flip out. Its a very stressful environment especially if you're not child oriented like me and if any kids in my family acted like that they would sell us to the zoo.

Really...it wouldn't be OK. Do you want to spend every Sat from now to eternity watching Nephew grow up. Boundaries are your friend.

When you're not happy in the present, don't expect things to change in the future, because they likely won't. What you see is what you get, unless a person has a major epiphany or grows some. He would rather meet other people's needs and keep the peace than to do what he wants to do and get yelled at and hounded. This is the dialogue I'd have with him:

Me: Do you want to spend every weekend with your nephew? Him: No, but my mom makes me miserable if I don't go. Me: Do you know what I would do? I would refuse to be manipulated, even if it means she'd try to emotionally blackmail me or try to make me feel guilty. I'd set the rules. I'd tell her that when I want to see my nephew, I will, and that I will no longer be told that I have to. I'd tell her that she's not allowed to call if that's what her request is going to be, and that if she texts me with that request, I'll turn the phone off. I will not reply to demands.

Listen to what he has to say. If he's not willing to stick up for himself, I'd tell him that type of life will not work for you.

Do you really need death stares when you have the "gall" to leave the family's "jail?" Do you really need to have a child centered life every weekend while you're still young and should be out exploring the world before being tied more to the house when you have your own children? Do you really want to be told you're expected to join the family for activities and not have the option to decline?

Even when I was a teenager of 17, I had the brains to break up with my boyfriend who I called a mama's boy, and saw how much his mother controlled him, and he let her. (Had nothing to do with normal rules for teens). I dated him for 2 years. When I thought of a future where we would get married, I knew I would be miserable because of his mother. You say he is your first serious boyfriend. You may not have the life experience to know better that this is a person who you probably don't want to think of a future with. I think you need to think long and hard about what your life will be like if you stay. If he doesn't set up boundaries now, knowing how you feel when you communicate this to him, he probably never will.

If he doesn't meet your needs, and you're not enjoying life as you should, then the bad outweighs the good. Even though he has good traits, this would be a deal breaker to me. You need to think about if it's a deal breaker to you and tell him that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It would totally be different if there was anything else going on but everyone just sits in a circle and entertains the kids and encourages bad behavior like yelling running spitting w

This is entirely within your power. As long as you'd rather make your boyfriend happy rather than yourself, you're going to be doing this forever.

When you're not happy in the present, don't expect things to change in the future, because they likely won't. What you see is what you get, unless a person has a major epiphany or grows some. He would rather meet other people's needs and keep the peace than to do what he wants to do and get yelled at and hounded. This is the dialogue I'd have with him:

Me: Do you want to spend every weekend with your nephew? Him: No, but my mom makes me miserable if I don't go. Me: Do you know what I would do? I would refuse to be manipulated, even if it means she'd try to emotionally blackmail me or try to make me feel guilty. I'd set the rules. I'd tell her that when I want to see my nephew, I will, and that I will no longer be told that I have to. I'd tell her that she's not allowed to call if that's what her request is going to be, and that if she texts me with that request, I'll turn the phone off. I will not reply to demands.

 

Listen to what he has to say. If he's not willing to stick up for himself, I'd tell him that type of life will not work for you.

 

Do you really need death stares when you have the "gall" to leave the family's "jail?" Do you really need to have a child centered life every weekend while you're still young and should be out exploring the world before being tied more to the house when you have your own children? Do you really want to be told you're expected to join the family for activities and not have the option to decline?

 

Even when I was a teenager of 17, I had the brains to break up with my boyfriend who I called a mama's boy, and saw how much his mother controlled him, and he let her. (Had nothing to do with normal rules for teens). I dated him for 2 years. When I thought of a future where we would get married, I knew I would be miserable because of his mother. You say he is your first serious boyfriend. You may not have the life experience to know better that this is a person who you probably don't want to think of a future with. I think you need to think long and hard about what your life will be like if you stay. If he doesn't set up boundaries now, knowing how you feel when you communicate this to him, he probably never will.

 

If he doesn't meet your needs, and you're not enjoying life as you should, then the bad outweighs the good. Even though he has good traits, this would be a deal breaker to me. You need to think about if it's a deal breaker to you and tell him that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Just to clarify hes not my first so i deff have some experience its just sad because hes the one i like best so far lol and would love to find a solution instead of walking away. Everything else between us is spot on but im afraid his mom is to attached to ever let him go

I guess a chat is in order.