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Thread: It's About The Journey...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Thanks reinvent Except I'm more judgemental and less sympathetic haha, also not as patient

  2. #22
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    It's About The Journey...

    This weekend will be our first trip away together! We are going to attend J's friend's wedding in another city. I'm very excited! J said he's excited about it too

    It will also mark our 5 months together. No conflicts to date, which is unusual for me considering past experiences

    Anyway I'm sure it will be a good weekend!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Make sure you're the one packing his underwear and socks, in case he forgets them!!

  4. #24
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    Lady, I'm so glad you have finally met J! He sounds lovely!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Thank you SB, he really is

  7. #26
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    It's About The Journey...

    The wedding and the weekend in general was great, we had lots of fun. I met and got along with his friends. He told me all of his friends that had met me like me, while adding "how could they not!" and gave me a big affectionate hug.

    However as fate would have it, our first trip away wasn't all smooth sailing! Our flight back home got affected by a severe storm in home city. The airport was shut down and our plane waited in a holding pattern just outside of the city (away from the storm) for about an hour before the pilot told us we had to turn back to the city we came from as the storm wasn't getting better.

    The airline handled it really well, they booked everyone onto the next available flight (first flight the following morning) reasonably quickly and arranged free hotel accommodation for those who needed it, including us. Even so, it was still somewhat chaotic and stressful, especially considering I had a work meeting to attend the following morning.

    It was interesting, going through a stressful situation with J for the first time. He was just so relaxed and patient about it all, and not once complained about the situation. I was a bit stressed due to the work situation (although if push come to shove, I could move the meeting), and more generally, I'm just not a very patient person. So that contrast really showed in this situation.

    In a way, we really complemented each other. I don't think it would've helped if I had someone else stressing out as that would stress me out more, J brought me down a notch just by staying relaxed and joking with me etc. But on the other hand, if J was on his own, he would've waited forever for a hotel allocation from the airline, as I was the one hurried us to get off the plane and get in line (we were one of the first ones in line), and going back to speak to the airline staff when they made us wait unnecessarily for the hotel allocation (she fixed it right away, who knows how much longer we would've had to wait if I didn't). But without J's keen observation, I wouldn't have noticed the staff was making us wait when we should've already got the hotel allocation. J is patient and observant, while I'm organised (planning wise) and efficient, we worked well together.

    I have to say J handled my impatience really well, with patience, humour and acceptance. We had fun and made each other laugh along the way, in spite of the less-than-ideal situation and how tired we were. The whole thing sucked a lot less because we were together.

    As J drove me to work after we finally arrived, I exclaimed "we had an adventure!"

    I hope we have many more in the future (preferably not involving storms or flight delays of course

  8. #27
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    It's About The Journey...

    I forgot my shirt at J's and he joked about holding it ransom yesterday. Just now I got a message from him, it's a photo of my shirt, a pair of scissors and a note made out of magazine cut-out fonts that says:

    "This shirt has been taken hostage. For its safe return, J demands you join him for dinner on Wednesday or Thursday, or else!"

    I literally laughed out loud on public transport hahaha! This man is awesome!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    That's adorable!! What a clever way of making you smile!! I'd say he gets a date for going the extra mile for that one

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    So sweet!
    It's good milestone to see each other under stress. It does sound like you two really do compliment each other.
    Good for you NL

    Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

  11. #30
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    It's About The Journey...

    Originally Posted by notalady
    When I was on holidays overseas, I got to see my best friend who lives there. She just got married in October last year and I was one of the bridesmaids. They've been together for 10 years now and I've always considered them as one of those perfect couples I know that I can see staying together for the rest of their lives.

    On my trip, we got to chatting and she told me two months ago she left their home for a week or so. I asked her why. She said she accidentally saw his texts with a girl when the phone lit up. She had a bad feeling about it and requested him to show her his phone, which is their agreement in the relationship, that they wouldn't snoop on each other but will show each other their phones/emails/whatever upon request, with the other present. He refused and she insisted. So he did show it to her in the end. Turns out he's been texting with a girl he met at the bar when he was out with his guy friends one night, it had only been going on for a week and nothing actually happened. In his texts he insisted on meeting the girl to give her some medicine as she's sick and did meet her. She didn't let him up to her place to "take care of her" and he seemed disappointed from what she can gather in the texts.

    He claimed he was just showing concern for her because he felt bad for her (she's in the country all alone and was sick) and thought he hadn't crossed the line. She asked where he thought the line is and told him that there need not be sex for it to be considered cheating or "crossing the line". After much discussion, and his repeated apologies, he still didn't understand what he did wrong. Her in-laws were somewhat involved too as they all live together. Her father-in-law and brother-in-law were surprisingly supportive of her but her mother-in-law, whom she is very close to, was surprisingly telling her to just let it go and that she should just accept his apology (as she did when the father-in-law actually cheated on her years ago lol, she holds a completely different generational mindset/values as a woman).

    She was very disappointed that the one person she thought would support her didn't. She needed to show them (her husband and MIL) that this is not acceptable behaviour. So she left and went back home (to her own parents) even though internally she was reluctant to do so as she didn't want her own parents to be involved.

    Eventually she came back after his repeated apologies (and crying lol) and as he seemed to understand what he did wrong. She told him loud and clear, if it happens again in this marriage, even if they have kids (which they don't yet), she will take the kids and go and will never return. It seemed like the whole thing shook him and he did seem to understand the consequences such that he will likely not do it again.

    She did tell me that her trust in him built over 10 years was shaken just like that. And she's still working on rebuilding that trust. I told her it will just take time and be patient. And that I think he's not a bad guy, but probably just didn't really understand boundaries quite as well as we did and that I thought she did the right thing.
    So I wrote this post in my old journal. The event itself would've happened around June. So a mere 6 months since that event, last night, my friend (S) messaged me and another friend in our chat group, asking for our opinion on something that just happened the day before.

    Her friend/colleague is single and on Tinder, and she came across S's husband's (L) Tinder profile. So S confronted him and he claimed he only wanted to make new friends. But the search criteria is very specific, it's female with age limits. My reaction was W T F, sorry girl but that is a pathetic excuse.

    He said he'll delete the app if it makes her unhappy but she told him it's not about appeasing her but doesn't he see that it's wrong for a married man to be on a dating app? Apparently he can't see it.

    She told me she got one of her colleague and the colleague's gf to set up a "trap", the gf set up a profile on Tinder (I assume L doesn't know her), and they got chatting, he even took things off Tinder to add her on a normal chatting app.

    S sent us the screenshots of the chats. The conversation was innocent enough. The friend's gf asked L if he was interested in something short term because that's what she's looking for. He said "my wife will kill me if I do something funny haha...but hey I have no issue knowing a new friend".

    I told S I don't believe for a second that he's just wanting to make new friends including the last time he met that other girl. Especially with the criteria being so specific (female, with age limit). You can make new friends in many ways, everyone knows Tinder is for dating/hook up. I also said I don't think he's just looking for sex or casual since he didn't take the offer in this instance, but I feel that he may be looking for more of an emotional connection with someone (a pretty female obviously) in the guise of friendship. And if it develops into more, he can claim, ohh oops it just happened, I had no control over it. And looks like he's not going to stop looking until he succeed, since he's done it twice now.

    I also told her that something rubs me wrong with him saying to her "my wife will kill me if I do something funny". It's inherently and morally wrong to cheat, that should be the reason, not because his wife will kill him. So if under the condition that she will never ever find out, it's ok with him then? Same with his attitude about deleting the app, he doesn't see something is inherently wrong about it.

    I asked her how she felt about this, and she said she thinks the essential problem is the fact that he doesn't see that what he's doing is wrong. But I don't think she thinks (or want to think) he has the intention to cheat.

    I told her to ask him why he is so keen to make new female friends, why not male ones? And that if he is genuinely wanting to make new friends, they can attend events and activities together (eg meetup) to make new friends together, as that's what married couples tend to do, they make new friends together (especially when it involves friendship with the opposite sex).

    I also told her that, to be honest I still don't believe he's just looking for new friends, I've given him the benefit of the doubt with the last girl she told me, but now my gut is telling me he's just pretending to be innocent/ignorant since he got caught out (twice). But she can try what I suggested before if she like.

    I'm reluctant to suggest she walk away, since this is my friend and not a stranger on the Internet. If he had actually cheated (emotionally or physically), I would've suggested she get divorced, no question about it. But I can see how this is a tricky situation for her, especially since they are married, it's not so easy to just walk away based on this.

    Being an outsider, 100% I think he has the intention to cheat, whether it's emotionally or physically or both, and 100% I believe she should walk away now before things get even more complicated (eg if they have a child together). But honestly if I was in her shoes, I have no idea what I would do.
    Last edited by notalady; 12-01-2015 at 04:28 PM.

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