Should I tell the complete truth?

When I met my boyfriend in Ghent I had just turned 22, it was love at first sight for both of us, but I was not ready yet to be in a relationship. I was still casually seeing other people (that were not serious) at the time, looking for a way out of my unhappiness.

I had a rough life behind me -because my Pakistani father left my mom when I was little & my mother had issues of her own. All my life I felt different because of my black hair & slightly tanned skin in a school where everyone else was white... I started to binge eat and became too fat, which added to my lack of self confidence.

Because I was so unhappy, I was a rebellious daughter and kept having fights with my mom. She had different boyfriends, remarried and divorced again & when I was 14 she pushed me into being together with someone of 28 years old. That guy started to beat me up, which lasted 1.5 years. This caused me to drop out of school & I start partying & experimenting with recreational drug use.

Since my mother did not really imply any rules, she let me have a breast reduction at 18 years old. Since that time I felt even more insecure because of the scars.

I did not obtain my degree at first (despite having good grades before) because of all this, so not being able to find a proper job only added to my misery.

Then I moved to Ghent & had some casual relationships, for them it was about sex (even though I never showed my breasts), for me it was a chance to one day find someone that actually cared about me. And then I did: my current boyfriend. But somehow I couldn't trust and believe him... I thought he was a player, because I had gone through so many bad things before. I felt ugly because of my unusual heritage and a freak because of my scars, so how on earth could he really honestly be into me & love me?

When he told me one day that I couldn't work in a bar (one of the only options I had without a proper degree), it reminded me of the "controlling" guy that used to hit me & I started to see my boyfriend as the enemy.

I became rebellious and met a guy I thought I liked (after a lot of shots) through a colleague that was working in the bar.

I believed that I had fallen in love with this guy, and kissed him on a couple of occassions at the end of my shift. In the end, I realized that it was all due to the alcohol which I couldn't handle at that time (since I was an emotional mess)... I came clear about everything & told my boyfriend what had happened. That it was my insecurity. That I hated myself. He forgave me & since then we have been living together happily. And I trust and believe that he loves me.

Now here is the thing. While I was working in that bar, I also kissed some other (totally unimportant - it did not mean anything) guys, I don't even know why I did it. Probably because at that time I wanted to leave my boyfriend, I was so scared to be hurt and left by him, that I subconsciously hurted him instead. It was stupid.

Since the time I promised him I would never cheat (kiss someone else) again, I have been 100% faithful. But it still bothers me that I haven't told the complete truth. Now my question is: should I tell him I kissed those other guys too & hurt him all over again? I swear I am 100% for him now & that it will probably never change! The kissing other people was not about him or those guys, it was about my own struggles and issues with lack of confidence.

Should I risk my perfect relationship (9 years now) all for the truth, or should I forgive myself & just never do it again? Please help me, because I still hate myself for it. But I want to know if perhaps I am being too hard on myself, because I was just lost & I have never been evil inside, more naive than anything else. Or should I tell the truth, because otherwise our whole relationship doesn't mean anything?

Thank you all for your time & input.

This kissing happened 9 years ago?

Hi, no it happened during the 6 months I was working in that bar & I also thought I fell for the other guy. All of this happened 6 years ago. I came clean about kissing one guy, but not the other 2 guys. Because I thought he would never understand that...

But now I regret not telling him at that time... I still feel guilty about not being completely honest.

I don't think there is any need to tell him something that happened 6 years ago.

I have been telling myself the same thing, but I think it's time to hear more people's opinions on the matter. Because I find it difficult to let go. I would also want to know the complete truth, I think. Thank you so much for your reply

You transgressed....apologized and made amends. Because you didn't give the exact number of kisses and the exact number of people involved SIX years ago, it is now irrelevant.

Unless you want to sabatoge your relationship for some other reason.

You are probably right. The problem is that sometimes the memory pops into my head & then I feel bad & need to block it again. But it's true that I now understand that it did not mean anything, and that I know I will not do it again. So, I should probably ignore it, because he will feel hurt for no reason. I am selfish because I want it off my chest.

(You made me feel better, I am thankful & will continue to be the best I can for him.)

Does you need to bare your soul supercede your ability to crush his soul?

Well that is probably why I kept silent for 6 years... I think I have figured it out now. But ironically, I value the truth & want him to know everything. I think I would want to know the truth, no matter how painful. Then again, it probably doesn't matter to him since it's been 6 years & I have been loyal ever since. You're right.

You run a risk of him getting really upset with you if you tell him, so I say dont tell him. What's the point now? It's been SIX years. It's time to let it go, to forgive yourself, and to vow to move on with your life and not let this unimportant thing drag you down. There is nothing to be gained by telling him.

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to sabotage your relationship by reaching for old drama to cause new drama.

I'd consider working with a therapist to figure out what, exactly, you want. From there you can come up with more productive ways to go about getting it.

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to sabotage your relationship by reaching for old drama to cause new drama.

 

I'd consider working with a therapist to figure out what, exactly, you want. From there you can come up with more productive ways to go about getting it.

Hi catfeeder, that's not true. It's because we are slowly thinking about getting married (not for church, btw ) & I just feel as if I have not been 100% honest with him & he deserves someone honest to be with for the rest of his life. I also would want him to be 100% honest, that's why it bothers me so much. He is the guy for me. I am still thinking every day how he is the most handsome, great and just perfect(for me).

You run a risk of him getting really upset with you if you tell him, so I say dont tell him. What's the point now? It's been SIX years. It's time to let it go, to forgive yourself, and to vow to move on with your life and not let this unimportant thing drag you down. There is nothing to be gained by telling him.

I think the reason why it keeps bothering me, is that I would want to know, if I was him. Of course I would forgive him & he probably would forgive me, but you can never be sureof that. There is a small chance that he decides to leave me.

Hi catfeeder, that's not true. It's because we are slowly thinking about getting married (not for church, btw ) & I just feel as if I have not been 100% honest with him & he deserves someone honest to be with for the rest of his life. I also would want him to be 100% honest, that's why it bothers me so much. He is the guy for me. I am still thinking every day how he is the most handsome, great and just perfect(for me).

Naah, that's a load. The only reason to drop that stuff in anyone's lap is to get a reaction. So, what, exactly, would you expect him to DO with that information, beyond feel lousy?

Get extensive therapy and also let it go. Been a long time, no point in drudging up the past.

Don't cheat on him again. 3 guys is enough.

Naah, that's a load. The only reason to drop that stuff in anyone's lap is to get a reaction. So, what, exactly, would you expect him to DO with that information, beyond feel lousy?

Feel bad for maybe a couple of days (it happened 5 years ago - so I don't think it will change a lot - the thing that will change is that things will be 100% honest between us)

I think he will be happy that I wanted to be 100% honest, even if it took me a while to get the courage to tell him. Maybe it's a cultural difference in opinion? Because I really don't get your conclusions then again, you can only judge by the couple of messages I wrote on an online forum, so it's understandable. I am just a genuine person & find it hard to not be completely honest because I would expect the same from him. That's all there is to it.

Therapy would be useless, I am a happy person with a little something that still needs to get off my chest, because I want to be honest to the love of my life.

Not saying that I could have used proper therapy when I was younger & was so unlucky in life, of course. But the only therapists I saw tried to work things out with drugs. Their main interest is based on making money, and I tried a lot of different therapists when I was young, so I know. Even if there must be good ones out there too... Just haven't met them

To be honest, I don't like your tone; if you would have read my story you would understand that the cheating was not cheating for the sake of cheating (lust), it was just my insecurity & the fact that at that time I wanted to be saved from my problems. And you would know that there is no way I would ever do it again. It was not at all about liking other men or whatever... It was just trying to be a bad person before he was bad to me, because I was scared that he was full of bull & scared to get hurt beyond belief.

Anyway I regret publishing my story now on this forum because in the end, nobody know you & can judge you except your own self, right?

But thanks though, for your input. All the best & have a great day

Then again: I don't want to hurt him, you never know if he gets really hurt and wants to leave. But then, at least his decision is based on the truth. I want to be with hin & want him to want to be with me.

Feel bad for maybe a couple of days (it happened 5 years ago - so I don't think it will change a lot - the thing that will change is that things will be 100% honest between us)

I think he will be happy that I wanted to be 100% honest, even if it took me a while to get the courage to tell him. Maybe it's a cultural difference in opinion? Because I really don't get your conclusions then again, you can only judge by the couple of messages I wrote on an online forum, so it's understandable. I am just a genuine person & find it hard to not be completely honest because I would expect the same from him. That's all there is to it.

And yet you have somehow managed to live 6 years with these "lies" on your mind. I think you want to sabatoge your future with him. And that's fine. If you give him the ammo to shoot you, you get to be the victim.

And yet you have somehow managed to live 6 years with these "lies" on your mind. I think you want to sabatoge your future with him. And that's fine. If you give him the ammo to shoot you, you get to be the victim.

In the end, they were just a few stupid kisses. Not the end of the world, either. That's why I thought it would not have mattered at the time & during many years I could ignore it & tell myself that it didn't mean anything anyway. But now that he is planning to ask me to marry him, I feel as if he needs to know the complete truth. I really do not want to sabotage my relationship with him, I would give my life for him & we have the perfect life, a lot of fun together, still an amazing sex life, we are soulmates. And that's why I want him to know every little detail, because he is the best person in the whole world, in my opinion

I don't know if you know what it's like to truly love someone, but in that case, you want to treat that person exactly how you would want to be treated. And if I were him, I would want to know, even if it would not matter anymore for me.

Even if it's a little lie like "yesterday I ate pizza" while actually you ate a hot dog, it would wrong. I just want him to know because I respect him.

And I also know with 99% certainty that it doesn't matter anymore to him, because I know him.

But the 1% is still there, because I haven't told the truth.