Considering ending our six year relationship - A pit in my stomach.

I've been with the same man for nearly six years now. We have a three year old son and a decent little house in the suburbs. It all looks cute and fine from the outside looking in. When you get inside though, it's bleak, mundane, monotonous, and at times volatile.

We rushed into our relationship, that is a given. We were both nearing the end of long-term relationships, his was 5 years and mine was 3 years. We spent a lot of time together, a period of several months and quickly moved in together. We did the usual couple stuff; buy furniture, get some pets, talk about our future, cook dinners together. It all began unraveling rather quickly though. Soon enough we started projecting our stresses at work onto each other. What made it worse was the fact that we worked in the same place, and at one point, in the same department with him being my manager and me being the assistant manager. Worst decision ever!

We began losing our sex drives and each spent a few months here and there being sexless while the other one had seemingly recuperated from their lack of libido. Two years and a bit into our relationship I became pregnant with our son. My pregnancy was the worst period of our relationship. He didn't want to have a child, I wanted to keep my baby, he was persistent about terminating in the first few months and I persistently refused. We lost sight of our sex life altogether because of the constant bickering and he began staying out late at night, one time coming home at 5 in the morning when I was 8 months pregnant and nearly ready to burst at the seams.

When I asked him where he was and told him I was worried something happened to him because I couldn't reach him, he'd become defensive and ask if I was accusing him of cheating without actually answering my questions. I grew increasingly more depressed and had suicidal thoughts at one point (these feelings no longer occur, I'm fine in that sense). I felt alone, completely and utterly alone for an entire nine months. I grew suspicious at one point and he left his Facebook logged in. I read through some of his messages and discovered that he had been communicating with an ex.

The thing that really irked me about their exchange was the fact that he had told me about this ex, and quite colorfully explained that he never wanted anything to do with her ever again. Yet there he was, initiating contact with her and even telling her when he was leaving his friend's place and saying they could meet up. It took a couple years but I confronted him about it, I never really got a straight answer. He just told me they never ended up meeting but I still don't know why he even bothered trying. He claims he has never cheated on me and I really want to believe that.

The loneliness and despair he put me through during my pregnancy has tainted the entirety of our relationship. He has apologized, he has expressed regret and owned his wrong-doing but none of that makes me feel any better about it. I feel burned by him, in the worst way possible. I was at my most vulnerable during those times and he did nothing to support me. He never even came in for an ultrasound appointment, his father brought me and waited for me in the waiting room. He promised to 'never **** me over', and that he'd always be there for me... But he wasn't, and he did screw me over.

Besides that, we are sexually incompatible from the get go. We are not into the same things and he has no real interest in fulfilling any of my desires as they make him uncomfortable. I don't want to force it on him but I feel it is incredibly unfair that I do what pleases him yet I must suppress my own sexual needs and desires. I thought I could, I really wanted to make it work. When he's good he's so great and I love him deeply, he is my best friend but I can't keep stuffing my needs deep down inside, locked in a frustrated little box.

We had a fight a few weeks ago and I have had a sinking blue feeling and a pit in my stomach ever since. The feeling is growing and I find myself crying at random times without any real triggers. It just floods my mind and I think about leaving him but then I think about the hurt I will cause him. Even after the crap he put me through, I don't want to hurt him. But I will end up hurting him if something doesn't magically change. I have recently become intoxicated with the idea of another man. It complicates things further because we all work in the same place.

I haven't acted on my desires and I want to restrain myself because I don't want it to end that way. It's so difficult though. I feel punch drunk around this man, he's beautiful and exciting. We have strikingly similar interests, and to make matters worse, similar relationship problems. I haven't felt my heart pound nearly out of my chest like this in years. I haven't even looked another man up and down in 6 years now.

I don't want this to be mistaken as me wanting to leave my boyfriend for another man, that's now what I want to do. While I feel a strong pull towards this other man, I do not know him well enough to make such a gamble. I am not in love with this other man, but I want him very badly. Not to mention the fact that I don't want to ruin his ability to salvage his relationship and I don't want to be 'the other woman'. I don't even know if he wants me the way I want him, all I know is he flirts with me a little bit.

I haven't told my boyfriend this but we have spoken at length about all of our relationship issues and our shortcomings, we've spoken about it all for years on end now. I feel like my life is flying by me and I can't get a grip on it to steer it where I want it to go. I feel trapped, like a rat in a corner, and the corner is my own home and our life together.

We don't do anything together, we just sit and stare at a screen. It's been like that since before our son was born, it was already becoming bland and lifeless. I gave up asking to go out and do things because I don't even know what to do anymore due to the dejected feeling I get from his lack of interest in nurturing our relationship. He never tells me I'm pretty, even when I'm done up and I have been getting a lot of attention from other people about it. For a long time I didn't feel attractive anymore and I'm still struggling with it to a degree but that's getting better.

So that is the long-winded story of what I'm wrestling with right now. Half of me is screaming, "LEAVE NOW! YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY HIM!", while the other half is whispering, "But what if you can fix it this time? You don't want to hurt him by leaving him. You can't stand to watch him cry.".

I think you don't want to be alone, so you are trying to fix the "never worked to begin with" and are looking for the next branch to hold onto.

Don't even think of going for another guy you work with. Complete and utter disaster. Separate and move out. Figure how to co-parent and get on with your life.

I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of hurting him. I let my empathy for him override the logical conclusion I come to when I'm thinking alone. I tried talking to him about it last night and he kept saying, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not interested in breaking up. I'll do better.". That used to work before but it hasn't done anything to shake that pit in my stomach. I know it's going to end, I just don't know how to end it. I can't stand hurting other people, it makes me feel rotten and horrible.

But yet you are thinking of going after hot guy at work?

I think you should not protract your ordeal .Break up and stay single for some period. Don't make the mistake to get involved with the other coworker . Can you change department?

Yes, I'm having highly sexual thoughts about other men. That's due to lack of sex for months on end. I'm probably blinded by hormones and sexual repression, which is exactly why I haven't actually gone after anyone else. I'm not fantasizing about companionship at this point and I've even been thinking that I should be alone for some time. I don't want to rebound to another person.

We no longer work in the same department together, that changed about a year ago because it was too much for me to handle. But we will have to see each other on an almost daily basis because our workplace is small. I can't afford to quit this job, it is stable but I don't make a whole lot. Without it I will be really screwed on my own.

Welcome to ENA,

What you described had been scrolled out on this forum numerous times...too numerous to even try and count.

Relationship sucks but it keeps going until someone shows interest and then it is time to either end it or fix it. I always wonder why it takes a safe place to fall (the other man in this case) before a terrible relationship is deemed to broken to fix.

First off stop flirting with this guy at work and even if you were totally single you shouldn't date him. You thought dating your manager was a bad idea can you imagine breaking up with your manager bf and then dating some other guy at the same place of employment? What a mess that would be!

It sounds like your relationship has been withering for some time but nothing was really done about it. Asking to go out or complaining really isn't a solution, getting professional help is. The two of you sitting in a room with a counselor as a neutral party helping you both see things clearly is what is needed. No matter what happens in the sessions it will give you the insight and courage to do what needs to be done. If nothing else it helps both parties to end the relationship in a healthy way with eyes wide open as why it ended.

I am curious why you never married. Is it something you two don't believe in? No judging, just curious.

Keep this coworker out of you thoughts and keep him out. That has bad written all over it and you know it. If you do end up single there are plenty of totally single men out there that you don't work with.

Lost

@lostandhurt - You're spot on about our relationship withering for some time and nothing being done to fix it. We always fall into the same routine; fight like all hell, talk about potential solutions, never carry through. And yes, it would be a horrible mess if we broke up and then I started seeing someone else I work with. Actually, it would be an utter disaster. We never married because it wasn't something either of us were interested in. He popped the question once while I was pregnant and his reasoning was that "That's what people do when they have a baby.". We spoke about it at length and I told him I felt that wasn't the right thing to do, we should only get married if he truly feels that he wants to be married because of the bond we have. He later spoke to me and told me he didn't think marriage was the right idea, and I was fine with that.

My reply is being checked by a moderator. Hopefully it shows up quickly.

Since my message doesn't seem to want to post, I'll just try typing it out again.

This is a response to Lost.

We never got married mostly because it's just not our thing. He proposed once but it was a reaction to me being pregnant and him worrying about how his family would view it.

I really don't want a disaster at work so I am taking all replies about not seeing that other guy very seriously. It would be a mess of epic proportions.

I brought up couples counseling on a few occasions and he laughs at the idea. I've been considering seeking out therapy for myself though. This whole thing makes me very sad and I haven't had a proper meal in almost two days because I have no appetite or desire to eat.

I'm not really looking for a safe place to fall, I'm a highly independent person and not afraid of being on my own, even with a child. Of course, I recognize the challenges that lie ahead in that situation. I grew up in a bad home with miserable parents and my mother divorced my father and raised three of us on her own with zero support from him. I know it can be done, even if it's hard.

A lot of our problems stem from our past together. He has said things to me that I can't really seem to get over. One time he told me he would recycle me like yesterday's newspaper. Another time he told me I was mentally ill like my father because we were arguing. In most of our fights he gaslights, he turns it around and monologues about himself and his feelings. He does this by cutting me off while I'm trying to express myself and he often minimizes his role in this or he gets sarcastic.

When I try to diffuse the situation he just follows me around, continuing to poke and prod while I beg him to leave me in peace so I can compose myself. It's almost as if he wants to push me over that line and watch me explode. Luckily, this doesn't happen all the time but the times it does it just pushes me further and further away and it creates scars that don't seem to want to fade.

I have no idea as to how I can get over those things or prepare for the next round of hurtfulness. I feel this has all snowballed over the years and I find myself no longer attracted to him.

Bottom line is...you are miserable in the relationship you are in now. Don't waste any more time trying to fix something which is broken for years already. Don't go by whether you hurt his feelings or not. You need to take care of your wants and needs and the wants and needs of your 3 year old child. So be smart, pack your things and leave.

If you feel as if you have tried everything then it looks like it is time to start the end of your relationship. I strongly suggest counseling for yourself. Look some therapists up today and see if they are covered by your insurance. It really does help more than you can imagine.

He sounds like an abusive person that thinks you will never leave. Unfortunately many relationships end with some idiot saying "I had no idea she was so unhappy"

Your best bet is to find a therapist and plan your escape. Don't get mad one day and leave, stay calm, save up some money, find some places to live unless you are going to throw him out and then talk to your family about what you are about to do so you can have some support.

Even if you hate his guts it will be an emotional thing to go through for all three of you. Which brings me to custody and child support. I hope his name is on the your child's birth certificate so there is no fight there. You will need to educate yourself on how to get child support from him since you were never married. I don't know how that works but I am sure you can find out pretty easily. DON'T just leave and let him not support your child because you want to get away from him so badly. He needs to step up and help care for your child.

Once he sees you becoming stronger and seeing a therapist he will more than likely get scared that you are going to leave and pour on the charm and try to get you to stop what you started. Be prepared and decide what you will do if he pulls this on you.

Once you are broken up and have a nice safe place live take some time to be alone (6 months minimum) before you think about dating again. I can't stress enough how bad an idea is to even hook up with the guy at work. You may be sexually frustrated and horny as can be but it can wait, trust me there will be plenty of guys that will want you once you have all your stuff together.

Keep everything you do a secret so you can put most of it in place before you drop the bomb on him.

Lost

Alternatively just bear in mind that no matter how unhappy you are, and how exciting you find this guy at work, that the same sort of things will resurface. He'll possibly chew his food with his mouth open, not be attentive as you might like, drink too many beers on a Friday night, and so on. In a years time you'll be updating us about what went wrong with this one, and possibly be asking how to get the father of your child back even though he's now with his secretary. And so the cycle continues.

Go and have couples councelling.

I want to thank you all for taking the time to respond.

We rushed into our relationship, that is a given. We were both nearing the end of long-term relationships, his was 5 years and mine was 3 years.

So did you two get together before your past relationships had actually ended?

We actually did end up hooking up before properly ending our other relationships. I ended my relationship immediately after we hooked up and fessed up to my bf at the time. I told him everything, he wasn't surprised but still hurt. I wasn't too proud of myself. I can't keep secrets like that though, if I cheat I fess up right away. It took my current bf a bit longer to end things on his end though. At first I really felt like I made a horrible mistake.

We actually spoke about this last night and we both agree that we rushed things and went about it the wrong way. I also expressed my fears to him. If both of us were capable of doing that before, we're certainly capable of doing it again. But I don't want it to go down that way, I really don't. I told him, without talking about anyone specific, that my eyes have been wandering and it makes me feel guilty. The light bulb finally went off in his head, he really seemed to register that this is nearing the end. He refused to hear it the other nights and would say things like, "I'm not interested in breaking up. I'm not going anywhere.", which is his way of trying to tell me not to leave.

I told him that if things don't start getting better in the next few weeks, or if I just can't get that same feeling back for him, that it's going to be over. He finally said ok and seemed to be digesting the whole thing. I want to take the advice I got here about breaking up and stay single for a good period of time if (more likely when) we break up. I need the time to heal, reflect and figure out what I'm going to do with myself. I need to focus on rebuilding my happiness and caring for our son.

Since hindsight has taught you that leapfrogging into this relationship was a mistake, what should that teach you about doing that again?

Even without the risk of work-guy being a giant disaster for your career and your rep, shouldn't the idea of reaching for someone while you're still with someone else ring an alarm bell for you?

Fear of flying solo is your only barrier to starting a whole new life that can be as terrific as you want to make it. If you want to keep using lousy relationships to distract yourself from that you can--it's not against the law. But we never get any time back to live over again no matter how many times we repeat the same mistake.

Head high.

Alternatively just bear in mind that no matter how unhappy you are, and how exciting you find this guy at work, that the same sort of things will resurface. He'll possibly chew his food with his mouth open, not be attentive as you might like, drink too many beers on a Friday night, and so on. In a years time you'll be updating us about what went wrong with this one, and possibly be asking how to get the father of your child back even though he's now with his secretary. And so the cycle continues.

 

Go and have couples councelling.

You're making a lot of assumptions that don't have much to do with what I spoke about in the first place. I didn't complain about minor things, I'm talking about 5 years of relationship neglect and indifference on his part coupled with destroying my trust in him and my desire to be with him. He doesn't want counselling, I have tried more times than I can count. I can't fix the relationship by myself and I refuse to even attempt it anymore without him putting in any effort.

So no, I won't be back in a year's time complaining about another man chewing his food loudly or drinking too much beer or forgetting to bring me flowers, and I certainly won't be back here asking how to get the father of my child back. Oh, he doesn't have a secretary but he could very well hook up with someone else if/when we break up, you honestly don't think I've thought of that? Not to mention the multiple times I've written in here that I am not actually going to pursue this other man. Seems like he's the thing some people focus on instead of looking at the entire story. Me being attracted to him is a symptom of my unhappy relationship, one which I have been fighting to keep alive almost since the day we moved in together.

Since hindsight has taught you that leapfrogging into this relationship was a mistake, what should that teach you about doing that again?

 

Even without the risk of work-guy being a giant disaster for your career and your rep, shouldn't the idea of reaching for someone while you're still with someone else ring an alarm bell for you?

 

Fear of flying solo is your only barrier to starting a whole new life that can be as terrific as you want to make it. If you want to keep using lousy relationships to distract yourself from that you can--it's not against the law. But we never get any time back to live over again no matter how many times we repeat the same mistake.

 

Head high.

Yeah, that's why I think being single is the best route for me to go. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's the best choice for me right now.

I just really needed to talk about it before going through with all the motions. His entire family is going to find out, I have to talk to my family about it, the holidays are fast approaching, we have to continue working in the same place. It felt like a hundred pounds sitting on my chest. I know it's gotta end, there is no magic wand we can wave to fix this. I couldn't keep stagnating over it, it's affecting me physically at this point and I know that if I don't do anything about it I'm going to make myself sick over it.

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to respond. I know what I have to do now and won't be back to reply. It's time to stop talking about it and start doing something about it. Best of luck to all of you.

WAIT... first & most important question - did you just say you have a 3 yr old son together & he's still just your boyfriend????

Don't get me wrong, I've never been one to say if you get pregnant you have to get married... but if you're truly together & have a 3 yr old child then why HAVEN'T you gotten married? Has it even been considered as a possibility?