Is marriage worth it?

is marriage still worth it for men?

almost half end in divorce. 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

Did you know for every 4 women who commit suicide, there are 16 men who do the same. Men are losing current assets, future income, losing their beloved kids........in a divorce.

It seems like a scam that is causing so much depression for men, and not that much hardship for women. I have never been married and I just think it is too big of a risk for men.

There is currently more single adults than married adults in our society due to low marriage rate and high divorce rate.

Any thoughts?

My husband thinks it is.

I have to think there is hope. 3rd time is the charm!

why would you think 3rd time is the charm? have you considered the risks vs rewards?

From my earliest memories, I have always wanted to be married to my girl. I can't explain it. I feel I have to choose better. That the others have prepared me for my last kiss.

I gather you're referencing the Rosenfeld study. Not quite so simplistic as you're making it out to be. It's a good read though for anyone interested.

I see your handle is Ottawa. If this is my work buddy from a certain tax agency, we'll talk over coffee tomorrow.

In Canada not half of marriages end in divorce. The statistics are closer to 35%.

My current husband and I were married each once before then single for many, many years. At the tender ages of late 50s, early 70s we said "I do" to each other. So far,so good. Marriage is worth it with the right person, but it's something I think way too many people rush into and think being married is the end game when it's not. It's just the beginning and a fancy wedding has zero to do with it although that's really all our society currently seems to think marriage is--fancy weddings. Then once the honeymoon wears off you drift apart then divorce then rinse and repeat.

What many don't seem to get, what I in fact did not get in my first marriage, is that marriage takes work and care, just as much if not more, than if one found oneself suddenly tasked with keeping a very large temperamental garden alive and growing and blooming. Marriages die, because too many people either didn't put enough time and effort into making sure they were marrying the right person to begin with OR they got married then drifted apart because the attitude was "Meh, I don't have to do anything else, end game, it's done."

And it's not. You have to do the hard happy work of intertwining two separate lives into one. And for the record, I was against marriage for a couple of decades and stayed a single mom through much of that. My current husband is the one who persuaded me it can work and so far it has. Fingers crossed, but it's good.

Marriage can work, but I just don't think our current society really gives most a true picture of what a marriage entails or how to keep it alive. We just get told to buy a fancy dress and throw a big bash to have pretty pictures to show people later. And that's not what it's about at all. I skipped that fancy big wedding BTW, what's the point?

Thanks ParisPaulette. very wise advice indeed

I can't speak on marriage bc I have never been married. But personally, I wouldn't make statistics apart of my decision for marriage. If you're holding yourself back bc of statistics and not actually letting yourself get to know someone seriously, then you'll never know. Date, get to know who you're interested in. If it gets serious, then talk about marriage and the statistics you have come across. All I know is if relationships aren't easy, marriage won't be any easier. But you gotta find someone worth going through life's obstacles with. And make sure that someone is as committed to the marriage as you are and is willing to go through the ups and downs with you.

I can't speak on marriage bc I have never been married. But personally, I wouldn't make statistics apart of my decision for marriage. If you're holding yourself back bc of statistics and not actually letting yourself get to know someone seriously, then you'll never know. Date, get to know who you're interested in. If it gets serious, then talk about marriage and the statistics you have come across. All I know is if relationships aren't easy, marriage won't be any easier. But you gotta find someone worth going through life's obstacles with. And make sure that someone is as committed to the marriage as you are and is willing to go through the ups and downs with you.

Exactly. .....

statistics is a very good way to analyze risk

My current husband and I were married each once before then single for many, many years. At the tender ages of late 50s, early 70s we said "I do" to each other. So far,so good. Marriage is worth it with the right person, but it's something I think way too many people rush into and think being married is the end game when it's not. It's just the beginning and a fancy wedding has zero to do with it although that's really all our society currently seems to think marriage is--fancy weddings. Then once the honeymoon wears off you drift apart then divorce then rinse and repeat.

 

What many don't seem to get, what I in fact did not get in my first marriage, is that marriage takes work and care, just as much if not more, than if one found oneself suddenly tasked with keeping a very large temperamental garden alive and growing and blooming. Marriages die, because too many people either didn't put enough time and effort into making sure they were marrying the right person to begin with OR they got married then drifted apart because the attitude was "Meh, I don't have to do anything else, end game, it's done."

 

And it's not. You have to do the hard happy work of intertwining two separate lives into one. And for the record, I was against marriage for a couple of decades and stayed a single mom through much of that. My current husband is the one who persuaded me it can work and so far it has. Fingers crossed, but it's good.

 

Marriage can work, but I just don't think our current society really gives most a true picture of what a marriage entails or how to keep it alive. We just get told to buy a fancy dress and throw a big bash to have pretty pictures to show people later. And that's not what it's about at all. I skipped that fancy big wedding BTW, what's the point?

I'd extend this a bit further... The concept of marriage has largely changed between generations, and it's largely been watered down to a legal status that you throw a party for (with tax implications, etc of course).

As a fairly old social construct (and one observed in different lights between different cultures), it's not exactly surprising that it's difficult to uphold its tenets when so many who go for it don't understand the ritual they're following, and don't observe the roots or core beliefs that it grew from... It's kind of like Christmas...

That said if you really think the legal documents are that important, at least have the sense to write a prenup... It's just the smart thing to do...

In Canada not half of marriages end in divorce. The statistics are closer to 35%.

Exactly. This isn't a fruitful discussion if the numbers given are just plain wrong and don't account for various factors.

And when I look at people I don't judge them by statistics I judge them on their own merit. I never let statistics rule my life. I have been married for 21 years and I'm sure we will be married another 21. Because I picked the right person for me.

I can't speak on marriage bc I have never been married. But personally, I wouldn't make statistics apart of my decision for marriage. If you're holding yourself back bc of statistics and not actually letting yourself get to know someone seriously, then you'll never know. Date, get to know who you're interested in. If it gets serious, then talk about marriage and the statistics you have come across. All I know is if relationships aren't easy, marriage won't be any easier. But you gotta find someone worth going through life's obstacles with. And make sure that someone is as committed to the marriage as you are and is willing to go through the ups and downs with you.

I think the statistics simply highlight the risks and draw attention to the absolute necessity of: finding the right person, having serious discussions about what marriage means, and coming to an agreement on conflict resolution.

original post says almost half.

heres from gov of canada

Since the end of the 1980’s, the percentage has fluctuated between 35% and 42%. In 2008, 40.7% of marriages in Canada were projected to end in divorce before the thirtieth wedding anniversary.

heres link for other details. i imagine the stats in US are similar

Marriage with a prenuptial agreement . Problem solved.

I would get married.

You get further ahead financially being married. Being a joint union has more pro's than cons. It's quite hard to get anywhere single.

i agree with many of your comments. But lets examine a case study: Father loses custody of child. Court gives limited visitation rights. After some time, the child dislikes his/her father due to influence from the mother or due to other reasons. Father is now emotionally scarred.

Perhaps this is part of reason for lopsided suicide rate for men vs women.

I'm not personally keen on marriage, but I don't do it well. For some people it definitely enhances their lives and brings them much happiness. I think the problem is that our society pushes marriage as a social "norm" when, in fact, there are many people who are not suited for marriage. I was never as unhappy as when I was married, but for some people, that is when they are the happiest. If the pressure to get married would be eliminated, you would see a lot less unhappy marriages because those not suited for marriage would not feel compelled to get married.

I would get married.

 

You get further ahead financially being married. Being a joint union has more pro's than cons. It's quite hard to get anywhere single.

Can't argue with that but if the union breaks men are financially ed up . Personally i will never get married without a prenup.

I think the statistics simply highlight the risks and draw attention to the absolute necessity of: finding the right person, having serious discussions about what marriage means, and coming to an agreement on conflict resolution.

Yes, that's why I suggested that when he does get serious with someone, he should definitely go over his statistic findings and discuss that with his partner, since he's really concerned about it. I don't think he's wrong for taking it into consideration, but it sounds like he's more focused on statistics and losing things from divorce, rather than looking at marriage for what it really is. Unconditional l

ove, patience, understanding and lots of hard work.

i agree with many of your comments. But lets examine a case study: Father loses custody of child. Court gives limited visitation rights. After some time, the child dislikes his/her father due to influence from the mother or due to other reasons. Father is now emotionally scarred.

 

Perhaps this is part of reason for lopsided suicide rate for men vs women.

Not always the case. Judges are more concerned for the child's well being and try to keep both parents in the child's life. Speaking from experience here. I've never been married, but I have children. I too thought I would automatically get my kids, which is what I wanted bc my children's father really never cared for them while we were together. But that didn't happen. We share equal custody. Even though he didn't deserve them bc he didn't really love them while we were together, he actually has a good relationship with our kids now. They love him and they love me. I'm happy with that. No matter what happens in a relationship or marriage, both parents have to come to some kind of common ground for the children, despite their personal feelings for each other. If you can't do that, then life will be hard.