First ever break up from an 8 year relationship.

After 8 and half years, my depressed boyfriend said he wanted to call it off. Well, he said he wanted some time alone to think so he can understand his own emotions, but his additional words kind of sounded like he was okay with the possibility that we may never get back together. I tried to reason with him, but it was to no avail. He said that he loved me beyond anyone he has ever loved, but he didn't think he could ever love me the way I love him. It was actually pretty rocky the last 2 years because of this. I was always so fully committed to our relationship, and he was just, not. He kept saying he loved me, he kept cuddling with me, smiling with me, taking care of me, both financially and physically, taking time out of his life for me. So it seemed like those were signs of normalcy. But one day I told him I couldn't handle his lack of commitment (we are both paying rent for a house that he refuses to live in, so I live here alone), and his lack of showing love to me. And he said, fine, I'll set you free, since it's not fair to you that you are with someone who does nothing for you. But that didn't seem right. Nothing seems right. None of this makes sense to me and apparently, none of it makes sense to him either, and it's all coming from him.

I tried getting him to explain his emotions, how he is feeling. And he said he can't. Apparently, he can't express his emotions through words. It's like pulling teeth without a numbing agent, and this one never comes out. I asked if it has anything to do with his mother's recent cancer diagnosis coupled with her suffering from severe mental illness. He said no. Or maybe it's me? Maybe I'm too controlling or too clingy? Right?!... He said no. He said he just doesn't feel like he can handle a relationship right now. He said he doesn't know what he wants at all in life right now, so how can he know if he wants a relationship? He said that his "internal turmoil" has become so much lately, that he can no longer hide it, and I mistook it as hatred towards me. And because of this, the romantic aspect our relationship faded, and we grew to be just friends. I told him to just admit he doesn't love me, and he said he can't. He can't because that wouldn't be the truth. If so, why leave me? Because he needs time to process what he is feeling? If he doesn't know after 8 and half years, isn't that clear that it means he truly does not love me, completely and unconditionally? He says it's only the fairest thing he can do for me. How is that fair? Abandoning me?

And what makes all of this worse? I am friendless. Yes, I am a 28 year old with no friends. My only best friend lives a 5 hour car drive away and she is a single mom of 2. My other lives in another state, a 2 hour plane ride away. And another, she just dropped me. With my boyfriend there, it always seemed okay, not having many friends. Because he really was my best friend. My partner. My everything. But maybe that's where I messed up. I let him become my everything, and by doing so, I let my ability to be independent wither away. And now, here I am. Alone, on a Saturday. No one to confide in, no one to cry to, no one to just be with. I know I have to grow strong and find a way to become independent, but I never was independent. Ever. I am a super social person. For being someone so friendless, I actually thrive off of communication with other human beings, which is why I am here. Typing this out, in hopes I can find some social pick me up. I feel pathetic though. I feel like I am making myself out to be some helpless child. And I know I am not. But the deeply rooted emotions from all of this are now growing thorns. And they squeeze ever so tighter on my chest and it doesn't seem to be loosening. It's only been 3 weeks, maybe it will get easier?

Why? Why does he say that he loves me, that he cannot bear the thought of no longer speaking to me again, that he cares for me more than anyone else, yet he leaves me, knowing I have nothing else to hold on to? None of this makes sense to me.

I am sorry for your pain. My exgirlfriend is depressed, too. I understand what you must be going thru. It is very common for depressed people to blame their partners for issues. They think if they were with someone else it would all be better. It is a terrible disease that has destroyed my relationship and I have made a promise to help those in relationships with people who have depression to better cope and be able to communicate with their partner. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed. It takes it's toll on you and it may even make you depressed. Often they become your world, being both best friend and lover. And as they don't wish to socialize as much being depressed and don't want you not with them, you start to isolate yourself without knowing it.

Any help I can provide, please ask. It will get better. Focus on yourself. Eating better, exercise, and get out and be social! Force yourself to get out of the house. Remove all reminders of ex and delete contact info and go no contact to start healing. It has helped me the last 4 months.

He gave you his answer...he said he doesn't know what he wants in life right now. He cant describe it any further because he doesn't know. This is something he has to figure out on his own, it really has nothing to do with you, so you have to let him go. Caring about you and being happy with himself are two separate things. Someone needs to be happy with themselves in order to be in a successful relationship. I know the pain and loneliness are horrible right now, but you can use this time to find out about what YOU really want in life. Go out and meet some new people, find things that make you happy. It really does get better.

Heey, I can relate with the no friends bit. I just broke up with my best friend. We've been friends for 10 years, on and off for 10 years, and had a committed relationship for a year. Every day he's been in my life for the longest time, and now he isn't here, and I have no other friends around me, just my mom and dad. I'm 25. I also thrive off of social interaction, and needing to talk to someone, or just go have lunch, or have a night out... But it doesn't happen... Because there is no one to do those things with, other than my ex, and he's not here now.

It's very frustrating, and lonely, and confusing how he could just drop me like I didn't mean anything to him. I'm sitting here writing this, alone, bored, with too much time in my thoughts, stressing over how I somehow managed to ruin my only friendship.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, someone else, a half a world away, is feeling the same terrible emotions as you. I'm sending you a hug, and comfort, you are not alone in your feelings.

I had a traumatic break up a couple of years ago, in a similar situation that I'm in now, I didn't think I could EVER get over it, I wanted him back so badly, I'd cry every day, nothing that once interested me was fun, a total mess, contemplated ending it all, a really low point. But I got over it, slowly it became easier, time healed me. It's impossible to see it now, for sure, but slowly you'll find yourself getting better, seeing the light in things. And then it happens again. But this time, you realise it's a part of life, a price you might have to pay for loving someone soo much. You find ways to adapt.

This time I have lost my best friend, and my boyfriend, in one go. And the pain is there, boy is it there, and I spend my time wishing for him to come back. But, if it's not meant to be, then I will be okay, I will find a way, because we are fighters, we keep going, and learning, and moving forward. It's all we can do.

Don't feel alone, everybody on this planet has felt these emotions we feel now, and in the end we are all okay, we are stronger!

Good luck to you

Thanks everyone. I am sorry to hear others are going through this as well. Movingforward3, yes, his depression has taken a toll on our relationship as well. He had been depressed for a long while, but after his mom's mental illness got worse (she started threatening suicide) and then she got cancer, he got worse too. I am just worried that he will down the same path as her, as we all know mental illness can run in family.

Chili601, actually, he didn't give me any answers. He is confused and doesn't know what to do and he thinks that separating from me will give him the time and space he needs to figure it out. I'm not so sure it will, but either way, I hope he figures something out soon... I have learned to let him go for the last couple of weeks, I'm just wondering how long I can.

Greeneve, I'm sorry to hear about that ): I also send my hugs and comfort to you! Once high school is over, I noticed it's a lot harder to makes friends. People like us are not uncommon at all, sadly. I just wish there were easier ways for us to make friends. I have tried at work, but most of my co-workers are in their 50s! haha. I am trying very hard to not text or call or drive by his house right now. I just want it to be Moday already, so I can go back to work and not think about this. I've gotten to the point where I hate weekends now...

Jen,

You need to keep yourself busy. Get a new hobby, exercise, eat healthy, find new ways to divert your mind. It isn't easy, but you will start to feel better. It has helped me these last 4 months. I have gained strength to keep moving forward. It is a struggle daily. I still miss her everyday, but my personal destruction is not part of the breakup. And I want you to know, you have a friend here, in me. I know there is hope. Here is to a better day!

I don't know if you've ever suffered depression, but during one bout of it years ago, I fell out of contact with my most loved and trusted confidant for about a year. She is my Aunt, she does not judge me, and she did nothing wrong. This was a clear cut case of '...it's not you, it's me...', where a debilitating degree of paralysis shut me down to her--I had no words.

And that was the bottom line: I had no words to explain myself to her. Fortunately, she was intuitive about this, which spared her grief and spared our relationship. When I finally contacted her and just said, "I couldn't talk with you," she said, "I know."

And that was that. Down the road I may have raised some description of where I went in my head during that time, but not as an 'excuse,' because I had none. My guess is, she was too valuable to me to 'suck into my pit'. But that's where my warped perception landed me, and there wasn't anything that anyone else could say or do about it.

Anyway, my depression was not treated with drugs, and I fought my way back, but I needed to do it in privacy. It was a long come-back. I learned during that time how a depressed person cannot handle even the most reasonable demands of normal relationships, and it has made me hyper-empathetic to anyone who cannot deal with me at any given time. No explanation needed.

Movingforward3, at the moment, the only thing I'm able to keep myself busy with is my career. I started teaching this year and it has been a wonderful experience, and I've been trying to keep myself busy with that. I was planning to go visit my friend for the holidays, maybe that will help?

Catfeeder, I actually did have depression for a short while (about 4 years) in my teen age years. It was triggered by my parents divorce and lasted that long due to lack of friendship. After making friends in college and starting to date my then boyfriend, my depression disappeared. I am worried it might come back. I do understand what it feels like. I guess I just never understood the need to be alone?

So far so good though. I haven't attempted to contact him at all. Although I do admit to periodically checking his status on FB haha

Jen, having a project or throwing yourself into your work is a great way to keep you busy. I had lots of success with going to the beach a lot, so your vacation idea will help, too. Ask yourself what you want to do? Be good to you and spoil you.

And you have to stop the Facebook stalking. It will only cause you pain, especially if he hasn't blocked you.

The best advice would be to least block all of his updates if you are not strong enough to block and unfriend him. And you stay off Facebook for at least 30 days or more. I know it is hard, but you only wonder what they are doing and you will be hurt if they put something on there you don't like.

How are you finding things now? A little bit better?

I relate to your post so, so much. My partner of 11+ years left me about two weeks ago....said similar things....that his feelings for me have changed and he can't love me the way I love him, blah blah blah. I am very codependent and as such, have not made any friends since we moved to this town about 2 years ago. I feel I am in the same boat as you. He was my everything (best friend, partner, etc), which may have contributed to our demise. I also work from home quite a bit, so it is really an effort for me to not isolate myself. I'm planning to force myself to go out at least 1-2 a week even if it is just by myself to a yoga class. This week, I went to a yoga class and a CoDA meeting and it helped to be around people. But I'm also finding that I don't mind being alone as much as I thought I would. I'm rather looking forward to tonight (Friday)....I just plan to do laundry, vacuum, get take out and catch up on The Walking Dead. But tomorrow, I DO plan to make an effort to go out and hopefully meet up with some sorta friends. This forum has helped me immensely. I hope that you are starting to feel better. If we lived near each other, I'd say let's hang out

The one thing I have learned through my first major relationship is that at over one year dating when she pulled away from me, I should have never looked back. We want people in our lives that will be there through hard times, not turn away. 9 months after splitting up, I foolishly called on her birthday because I still loved her. She came over crying and wanted me back telling me she was sorry for everything and she loved and missed me. We dated for a little over 3 years more and got married. 3 years in to the marriage she decided that I was not what she wanted and we got divorced. It wasn't like we fought all the time, she just could not find someone that she felt was better then me at the time so in her mind, she thought she had settled. The point here is that often people walk away because they have doubts. If they can't find someone they like more then you, they might be back, but do you really want that? They will tell you they need time, or some other excuse, but truth of the matter is that they have doubts. When a person is right for you they won't risk losing you. You can then focus on making new friends. If you put the effort out there are many people in the same boat!