too much, and it won't stop...

For years now, I've been struggling with an incurable yet not fatal genetic disease... For long it was not much of a problem, but I more and more realize how much the meds have destroyed my brain and my mind. The real shocker came, when my doctor finally told me I'd never get pregnant due it...

I've lost the people most important to me (my first boyfriend and three best friends and my fiancée, my grandmother), and I cannot deal with the many losses...

I think I could deal much better with everything if I at least had the solace of knowing that one day I'll have a family, and live a normal live... But how?

It really really threw me in a deep deep pit learning that I will not have children... I always wanted at least 4 or 5... and now my life feels so meaningless... not to mention that I feel really ashamed...

If I'd kill myself I could end it all. No more worrying about an empty future...

Please Balkay, go back to your doctor and tell him/her how you feel. Do speak to someone in real life about these feelings you are having. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You happen to have a disease which prevents you from conceiving.

Are you alone now? By that I mean do you have a partner, spouse, family or people around you?

Hi Hermes

I've been to several psychiatrists, all of which wanted to give me antidepressives... they had made the side effects of the other meds even worse as I've noticed...

I'm really struggling with admitting it to my family or friends, (I've told my parents and my brother so far) they didn't really show much understanding. They understand I'm sad and "somewhat disappointed" as they say... but they cannot understand the immense feeling of shame that I feel as a woman... and they don't understand why it would make my life empty...

Balkay. I am suggesting that you consult a therapist, IMO you will find talking to a professional will be hugely helpful and comforting, not to mention lots of insight and strength to view the situation in a different light.

Do take care of yourself.

I've been to a specialist, and he said his hands are tied here... There are some things that nature has decided, and they cannot change, he said... The only option I would have is to go to countries where the needed procedure would be legal (It's no here, however thats not a big problem, cause I want to leave here asap... but I'm broke)

btw, thanks for talking to me

There is no reason to be ashamed of. My cousin was told by doctors that he couldn't have children due to several health reasons. Now his wife is pregnant with his third child. Don't lose hope .

Not a specialist, Balkay, a therapist, as in a counsellor/psychologist. It will help I assure you.

Where is "here" btw?

Wow, congrats to them and their unexpected luck. As I was told, I don't have any eggcells... and those are just the kind of cells that cannot just appear, if they're missing... You either have them, or you have a few, or none... and I have absolutely none, I've made several ultrasounds etc to check... I was really desperate (thankfully my doctor was patient enough to do it, even though he knew it's useless.) He suggested I'd go to a country like Italy, the US or the UK to get an donation, but I have to pay myself because not a single Swiss medical insurance covers it (because here its illegal) I'm way too broke to pay a five-figured bill...

I've also been to psychologists, but they could not tell me how to loose my shame, or how to make my life appear more liveable again... I live in Zurich, Switzerland ( I hate this damn hell-hole...)

The country with the most competitive economy. Can't you borrow from your parents? They would understand i guess.

Where would you like to go, Balkay?

There are some very attractive places in Switzerland.......

Meantime have a look at this site, run by a Dr. Joseph Burgo. He writes a lot about shame.

You're absolutely right... especially young people are so extorted here... and things are definitely neither as shiny, nor safe nor qualitatively good as people say... Its a golden veil the rich use to cover the hideous truths...

I've talked to my parents, yes... But they do anything for me to stay in the country (Which is a whole other topic) therefore, they're very reluctant to pay for it (I can read their thoughts like an open book) I don't have any grandparents anymore either... ( I know my late grandmother would have helped me...)

You're right, but they're the more expensive ones, too... I would so love to go to New Zealand... I'm a huge Rugby fan been unusually hyped up yesterday after the WCup final But as I pointed out, I'm too broke to start a new life somewhere new...

Hope you will figure things out . Try to abolish these depressing thoughts about suicide etc. Good luck.

I hope so, too... Wished it were easier... Its a constant up and down to be honest... I'll look into the link you've sent me thank you

Well, Balkay, I hope you can work towards your dream of moving to another country sometime. Nothing is easy in this life. I expect you are working....

I'm in College and trying to write a book on the side (should be ready for a lector by December)... I really hope that'll be a boost in the right direction (not talking about fame or so, just... it has given me a bit of stability and some mental mh... balance if you will...) That's what has kept me from suicide in the past two years (that, and not wanting to hurt my family) ... It's kind of the second last thing on my bucket list, last one is to going to NewZealand once the book is done)

Aaahh so you are very young then.

Best of luck with your writing. And with your studies too. Much to look forward to.

it'll be interesting... I'm really curious to see it''ll turn out... that's why I just HAVE to finish it... I'm dying to see people's reaction... Of course I'm neither J.R.R. Tolkien, nor G.R.R. Martin... but hey, who is?