Engagment is off???

I am 31 and he is 35. We met and sparks flew. He would bring flowers to my work, cater food for everyone at work, and stop by just to see me. This was 3 months in when he asked me to be exlusive. I told him that I want to get married and have a family so I would agree to date him exclusively for 6 months and if we were not on the same page regarding marriage, we would go our separate ways.

Fast forward a couple months and he proposes at dinner. I was beyond elated and was really falling in love with him. He loved my son and mom. Mom lives with me. He wanted to adopt my son and we started wedding planning. He also asked where we should live and I suggested somewhere between both of our jobs, so he put his house up for sale and we start house hunting. He tells me to pick out the house I love, I did and he bought it. He also paid off my student loans so we could have a great start.

After about 2 months of wedding planning a friend of his approaches him about starting a business and he agrees. At this point my fiance is getting irritable and distant. I try not to worry and chalk it up to stress. A month had gone by since we saw each other so I was starting to worry and asked him if he wanted to break up? Meanwhile his cousin had got into a car accident and was in a medically induced coma. There was a lot of stress.

Finally I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. Our communication had dwindled to text and I told him we needed to see each other and talk, he refused, saying he was too tired and stressed. I was tired too. My entire apartment was packed up awaiting for us to move and we were barely speaking. I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore. I was also supposed to work at the new business when it opened, but I opted to keep my job instead. I told him I couldn't go on like this and he needed to tell me what was up.

We'll he drops the bomb. He doesn't want to get married and he is scared to lose his independence. He asked if we can stay friends and I said it would be hard but I would try. I asked if it was because he wanted to date around or if he met someone he said no, that he needs to focus on the new business, that it's sucking him dry.

So we try to be friends but I still have feelings for him. After a month I tell him that I still love him and that I want us to be together through bad times, good times, and anything. He tells me that he cares about me and that he wants us to be together but he just needs time. I tell him again that I wish we could get through this together and be stronger on the other side... I sense he is fading. So I call him and tell him that I feel stupid and that I'm driving him crazy. It was a voicemail. And tell him that maybe after a month we can talk about how we both feel. He also tried to set up a couple dates during the last month but work came up.

I feel like I am grasping at straws, but I wanted him to know that I am commited to us and will stick by him through hard times, as marriage is hard. But I feel like the only one trying. I think the month will give me time to get my head together and not say things out of anger like "I don't want to talk to you anymore"

I feel so sad and miss him so much, he knows this. But he stays away. So I am a few days into our month apart and am already missing our daily interactions. But I don't like the way things were either. Any advice would be grately appreciated thank you.

You can't be friends when there are feelings.

You are giving him the benefits of a relationship, with the commitment. he has no reason to commit to you.

Go NC!!!!!

Thank you. I'm afraid it will all be over. We are already so disconnected and if I disconnect completely... that'll be it.

He doesn't want to get married. You cannot return to being a friend.

That's what I keep telling myself. It's a tough pill to swallow. I wonder if he will change his mind.

You two rushed things. It's important to know someone for at least a year if not two before making that type of commitment. He rushed it and regretted it.

Best thing you can do is walk away with dignity. Don't beg for his love. It will only make him look at you as desperate.

You can't be friends when there are feelings.

 

You are giving him the benefits of a relationship, with the commitment. he has no reason to commit to you.

 

Go NC!!!!!

How could he have the benefits of a relationship while they didn't have sex and the only communication was through texts ?

I agree but figured we are both older. Set in our careers and wanted to start a family. We've also dated plenty of people. I just figured we both knew. The date was set for almost a year after meeting each other.

There were phone calls too. But no face to face

I am 31 and he is 35. We met and sparks flew. He would bring flowers to my work, cater food for everyone at work, and stop by just to see me.

That is weird (from his end)

This was 3 months in when he asked me to be exclusive. I told him that I want to get married and have a family so I would agree to date him exclusively for 6 months and if we were not on the same page regarding marriage, we would go our separate ways.

That is even weirder (from your end).

You are not even exclusive and you are talking marriage? seriously? That would make any half smart man run for the hills......

Fast forward a couple months and he proposes at dinner. I was beyond elated and was really falling in love with him. He loved my son and mom. Mom lives with me. He wanted to adopt my son and we started wedding planning. He also asked where we should live and I suggested somewhere between both of our jobs, so he put his house up for sale and we start house hunting. He tells me to pick out the house I love, I did and he bought it. He also paid off my student loans so we could have a great start.

Not healthy....why aren't you taking care of your own debt. Also, why wouldn't HE be part of selecting/picking a house......this gets weirder and weirder.....sorry.

After about 2 months of wedding planning a friend of his approaches him about starting a business and he agrees. At this point my fiance is getting irritable and distant. I try not to worry and chalk it up to stress. A month had gone by since we saw each other so I was starting to worry and asked him if he wanted to break up? Meanwhile his cousin had got into a car accident and was in a medically induced coma. There was a lot of stress.

 

Finally I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. Our communication had dwindled to text and I told him we needed to see each other and talk, he refused, saying he was too tired and stressed. I was tired too. My entire apartment was packed up awaiting for us to move and we were barely speaking. I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore. I was also supposed to work at the new business when it opened, but I opted to keep my job instead. I told him I couldn't go on like this and he needed to tell me what was up.

 

We'll he drops the bomb. He doesn't want to get married and he is scared to lose his independence. He asked if we can stay friends and I said it would be hard but I would try. I asked if it was because he wanted to date around or if he met someone he said no, that he needs to focus on the new business, that it's sucking him dry.

 

So we try to be friends but I still have feelings for him. After a month I tell him that I still love him and that I want us to be together through bad times, good times, and anything. He tells me that he cares about me and that he wants us to be together but he just needs time. I tell him again that I wish we could get through this together and be stronger on the other side... I sense he is fading. So I call him and tell him that I feel stupid and that I'm driving him crazy. It was a voicemail. And tell him that maybe after a month we can talk about how we both feel. He also tried to set up a couple dates during the last month but work came up.

 

I feel like I am grasping at straws, but I wanted him to know that I am commited to us and will stick by him through hard times, as marriage is hard. But I feel like the only one trying. I think the month will give me time to get my head together and not say things out of anger like "I don't want to talk to you anymore"

 

I feel so sad and miss him so much, he knows this. But he stays away. So I am a few days into our month apart and am already missing our daily interactions. But I don't like the way things were either. Any advice would be grately appreciated thank you.

After your first sentence, I was going to ask "so what made you proceed with the relationship and engage with this person when he wanted no part of marriage?".

I guess I will ask that question now.

So why did you continue on knowing that he wants no part of marriage? This is on you, he clearly communicated his intentions, you ignored them and went on.....expecting them.

Now they resurfaced. What did you expect?

I hope you learn from this. Next time LISTEN and accept/recognize the person right in front of you.

And no, you can't be friends. It's time to cut him off completely (ignore/block him) so that you can start the healing process. There is no such a thing as friendship with ex or people we are attracted to.

Once you go no contact, you will need good 3-6 months to heal, recover and get over him. During this time, stay away from opposite sex.

Good luck

How could he have the benefits of a relationship while they didn't have sex and the only communication was through texts ?

Communication is a benefit.

That is even weirder (from your end).

You are not even exclusive and you are talking marriage? seriously? That would make any half smart man run for the hills......

Because that's what I want for my life. I am 31 and don't want to waste time on people that don't see marriage in their future.

Not healthy....why aren't you taking care of your own debt. Also, why wouldn't HE be part of selecting/picking a house......this gets weirder and weirder.....sorry.

I am taking care of my debt, thank you. He wanted to help me out because I support my son and mother on my own. He didn't want that to join us in our marriage. How is that weird?

After your first sentence, I was going to ask "so what made you proceed with the relationship and engage with this person when he wanted no part of marriage?".

I guess I will ask that question now.

So why did you continue on knowing that he wants no part of marriage? This is on you, he clearly communicated his intentions, you ignored them and went on.....expecting them.

Now they resurfaced. What did you expect?

Because I thought maybe he was going through a stressful time and got cold feet. Idk. Stupid I guess lol

I obviously don't know how to use this site lol

This sounds like it was all fast tracked from the start. Nothing about it seems like it happened naturally. I see it like you picked the destination (marriage) right off the bat and then the relationship was pointed at it and off you went instead of letting it find its way there.

I get the feeling that he feels like it is all happening way to fast and since the honeymoon phase passed he got his vision cleared up and sees things better now.

In his mind it has been over for a while so you need to accept that and go NC on him. Luckily you kept your job.

I am sorry

Lost

Just seems weird to pay off 12,000 in debt and sell his home if he wasn't serious about me. He is not a child.

Guess maybe I am hoping this is just something we are going through and not the end.

You haven't seen him in 2 months.

How wealthy is he?

Does it occur to you that he may be a little mentally unstable?

The idea of paying off someone's school debt PLUS selling your own home for someone that you haven't been with

Just seems weird to pay off 12,000 in debt and sell his home if he wasn't serious about me. He is not a child.

It is weird, but some people are just impulsive. He sounds very well off, so probably to him that money was no big deal. He's just one of those people who make grand gestures to sweep you off your feet, who drag you into a whirlwind romance, because they enjoy the excitement and novelty, only to get bored just as easily and leave as quickly as they came.

I don't think it's just something you two are going through, I'm afraid this is the end of the road, because he's had his fun and is over it.

Next time, it would be a good idea not to let anyone pay your debts or pay for stuff for you, because it's just not healthy and eventually it builds resentment (even though he is the one who offered). Live and learn...

You haven't seen him in 2 months.

 

How wealthy is he?

That's the thing. He makes good money but opening the business has been very stressful and expensive. He keeps telling me its way more than he thought. To top it off, his business partner and wife were talking divorce. He is used to having lots of money in savings and the business has been a huge financial burden.

that's what I want for my life. I am 31 and don't want to waste time on people that don't see marriage in their future.

I understand that, you and every other 31 year old woman with a bilological clock ticking.

There is a time and place for that discussion. To do that BEFORE you even start the relationship is not smart. Most smart MEN that YOU WANT would've ran REALLY fast away from you at this point.

be patient, don't force it!

I am taking care of my debt, thank you. He wanted to help me out because I support my son and mother on my own. He didn't want that to join us in our marriage. How is that weird?

You don't accept money from people.

You should pay him back. And don't lie to me or yourself, you didn't take care of your debt, HE DID! Pay him back!

Because I thought maybe he was going through a stressful time and got cold feet. Idk. Stupid I guess lol

It's ok, you wouldn't be the first or last.

Don't assume or expect people to change.People don't change and those that do are probably worth keeping!

Simply based on what I've seen in life, most people shoudl be recognized and accepted for who they are. Besides, you shouldn't have to change anyone anyways, that's on them!

It is weird, but some people are just impulsive. He sounds very well off, so probably to him that money was no big deal. He's just one of those people who make grand gestures to sweep you off your feet, who drag you into a whirlwind romance, because they enjoy the excitement and novelty, only to get bored just as easily and leave as quickly as they came.

I don't think it's just something you two are going through, I'm afraid this is the end of the road, because he's had his fun and is over it.

 

Next time, it would be a good idea not to let anyone pay your debts or pay for stuff for you, because it's just not healthy and eventually it builds resentment (even though he is the one who offered). Live and learn...

Why would he continue to reach out to me and tell me that he just needs to get through this, if it was over? I am just confused

Does it occur to you that he may be a little mentally unstable?

 

The idea of paying off someone's school debt PLUS selling your own home for someone that you haven't been with

 

I'm gonna have to agree.

 

And accepting such lavish gifts = not smart either. I'm sorry.

Because you believe his BS. He hasn't seen you in TWO MONTHS.

OP, You should really read up and study on relationships. 5 love languages is a good start.

6 months in, you shouldn't even be introducing a man to your child.......forget about moving in etc. Read up and learn on Honeymoon Phase. Take time to get to know the person. DO NOT get intimate, that will only make you blind and force you to miss the red flags.

Date them, spend time with them and WATCH THEM. You are getting to know the person WELL.

Also, remember, ANY male presence = father figure for your child. YOu never EVER EVER introduce your child to a man you do not know and only when relationship is SOLID and at least 6 months -1 year in. You BETTER invest time and find out if the person is a father material for your son or you are doing them dis service.

And now, you have to explain to your child why "father figure" is gone. Child WILL suffer. Don't do that.

Do NOT allow anyone into your life or your child's life easily.