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His drunk actions hurt me, broke me and my trust towards him: What do I do now?


daisydewldr

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My boyfriend is 34 years old and I am 36 years old. We have been seeing each other for the past one year and are in a committed relationship and want to get married in a year. He has been a loving and kind partner and has been there for me. But he has one weakness--alcohol and he also occasionally indulges in snorting coke. He gets drunk out of his mind every time he goes out with his friends, he mixes drinks, he does shots--the works!

Here is my story:

- We went out twice last week with the same group of people - Monday, and Saturday and both days he got heavily drunk.

 

- One of the people in the group happens to be his close friend, let's call him Sam.

 

- When we all hung out on Saturday night, Sam was trying to get some coke but couldn't because his dealer was not around, so he dropped me and BF back home after the drinking session.

 

- When we were just getting off, my bf told me to unlock the gate and said he will join soon--at the moment I didn't know what...So, I just started walking towards the gate, and I just turned around to see that my bf was talking to Sam.

 

- We came back home (we haven't moved in together, but I stay back at his place when we go out drinking) and I asked him about it and he said he has made plans to meet Sam tomorrow to drink because he wants to hangout with Sam alone as it has been a long time.

 

- I was fine with it, I understand that he wants to hangout with his friend alone and had no problems with it.

 

- Cut to Sunday evening, my bf time and again told me that he won't have more than a couple of beers and will wind up early and be home by 10. He also told me that he will constantly drink water and won't get drunk.

 

- knowing his weakness for alcohol, I kind of made fun of him and said okay let's see.

 

- I called him a couple of times over the evening and told him to have fun.

 

- It became 10 pm, 11pm, 12 am--and then I suddenly realized he has neither called me or texted me and I got super worried.

 

- I called him and he said he is at Sam's place and he just did a line of coke with two other friends who had joined them over the course of the night.

 

- Then, my anger hit the roof!

 

- I messaged him and used a abusive language to convey my anger- he hung up and never called back and decided to instead extend the night and go have more fun.

 

- He then called me and abused me and sent some abusive language texts and asked me to basically "f**k off"

 

- And my night turned torturous, I couldn't sleep, i cried the whole night and I tried calling him but he didn't pick and then switched off his phone.

 

- The next afternoon, around 2 he came to my house and was all apologetic and said it was just a stupid mistake and would never do anything like that.

 

-But every time I tried to talk about how his actions hurt me, he said "What? Now I can't even go out and have fun with my friends?" "I went because I wanted to be alone and have fun for one night"

 

- His explanation is that it was a stupid mistake and that he lost track of time and that's why he didn't call me or message me.

 

- He thinks I am hurt and upset because I have a problem with him going out with his friends or his need to be alone...which I don't.

 

- In between all this, I was at his place yesterday to discuss the way forward, and we were talking and screaming for more than three hours, so i decided to take a break and listen to some music, I turned on his laptop, and Chrome restored all the windows because it wasn't shut down properly, and I saw that he had watched porn videos, all On Sunday before he went out with Sam....this was right after I left his place on Sunday afternoon and we'd just had sex (Twice!!!) between Saturday night and Sunday afternoon! That broke me even further!

 

I am hurt because of the following:

1. Was it really necessary to make plans with Sam when he had already hung out with him twice that week and both times involved heavy drinking?

 

2. Even if he needed to be alone with his friend, he himself tells me that guys don't talk like women, we just drink, that's it. If that is true then why the need to hangout at all?

 

3. Why did he have to say he will be home by 10 when he didn't?

 

4. Why did he say he will just drink two beers when he had 15?

 

5. Why didn't call me and ask me if I am okay with his extended night of partying?

 

6. He always tells me that I am the most important person in his life, and when I asked him why he didn't call me..he told me it was a stupid mistake and that he lost track of time and that he forgot, if I am the most important person, then how can he forget me? How did he just ignore my existence completely just to have fun?

 

6. I am very hurt by the fact that he chose his friends, fun, alcohol and coke over me that night.

 

7. He let me down by telling me he will be home and he wont drink a lot and went and did just the opposite-- am I missing something here? Is it is his way of rebelling? Is there a deeper meaning to his actions?

 

8. If he chooses alcohol, coke and friends over me..then how do I trust him about bigger things in life?

 

9. I've gone out a couple of times with his friends, and yes, I've tried coke, too. But he gives me a lot of flak and told me we will never touch it again because it will become an addiction-- isn't it double standards? When he knew there was going to be an after coke party at Sam's place and that it was already 1am..shouldn't he have just asked Sam to drop him back home?

 

10. When the coke thing happened at Sam's house, there were other people, too! If my bf's whole intention was to spend time alone with Sam, then couldn't he have just decided to go back home when other people came into the picture?

 

11. He keeps saying it is a stupid mistake, but I am not able to look beyond these troubling signs. His actions have hurt me very deeply and I am not sure how to trust him. He wants another chance, but I am very hurt especially because he didn't keep up his words of being home soon, not drinking a lot and then forgetting to call me or even message me.

 

12. Isn't it the same as cheating? Except it was not a woman and it was alcohol and drugs.. especially when he keeps telling "it was a stupid drunk mistake".

 

13. He is not in his 20's, he is definitely not single, we are in a committed relationship and are planning our future together, then why the need to drink so much two nights in a row and even if he did, why can't he be home at a certain time when he said he would? Isn't he responsible for the well-being of me and our relationship? Why didn't keep up his word and break my trust and let me down so badly?

 

I am not sure what to do, this happened three days back and I am still trying to understand the cause of his actions, why did he do what he did? And why am I not able to see this as a stupid mistake and move on? What are the underlying causes of his actions on Sunday especially when we hung out with the same people the previous night to drink. Why did he have to go make plans to drink even on Sunday? I am not sure how to move on? Should i give him another chance, should I breakup with him? What should I do? How to make amends if we have to work this out? Am I overreacting?

 

I need help! Badly!

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I would seriously re-consider your relationship with this man. He has two addictions (maybe three with the porn, but that's uncertain) that are hounding your relationship, and it doesn't look like he has any intentions of letting these addictions go--ESPECIALLY because he has influences telling him to hold onto these addictions (from his close friend, Sam). BF claims that you are the most important person in his life, but his actions do not say this at all. In fact his actions are disrespectful toward you. Think about that.

 

This might be hard to believe, but people are perfectly capable of hanging out without drinking 15 beers (the last time I drank 15 beers was because my ex left to hang out with someone she previously dated--not just another Monday). He is telling you (a)he'll be back at a certain time, and (b) he won't drink that much, because he knows those are things you want to hear, but that isn't what he wants. He wants those things more than his time with you.

 

Stop thinking about him for just a moment. Think about yourself--what do you want? Do you want a partner who will make you a priority any day of the week? Do you want a partner who will care for you and address your needs, just as you do for him? It doesn't sound like this is what you have, right now. You have spent a year with him, but consider it a year's worth of lessons that you can take with you when you find a man who (a) respects you and doesn't make up excuses, (b) makes you a priority in his life, and © doesn't have addictions to struggle with--because he's already addressed them by himself (because he's a grown man).

 

It doesn't sound like you two are headed in the same direction. Leave him and don't look back.

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This is a whooole lot more than just an occasional "drinking and drugs" thing going on here. You need to open your eyes and admit your partner has a serious substance abuse problem, it is NOT getting better and in fact is getting worse, and he has no intentions of it getting better.

 

And he's gaslighting you (look the term up, it's a psychological ploy to back someone off and make them doubt their reality) about why you're upset to put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty for questioning. He knows very well it's not about you not wanting him to hang with friends, but he's going to attack on THAT point to try and divert you off the fact he has a serious drug and alcohol program.

 

I'm sorry, do not move in with this man, do not marry him unless and until he dumps all of his drug and alcohol friends, drastically changes his lifestyle altogether and has been clean and sober and in a program for a year or more. THEN it would be safe to say you won't end up a broken shell being dragged through the mud of his addictions.

 

I am dead serious when I tell you porn is the least of your problems. There's a much more threatening mistress beckoning him and her name is Jack Daniels and Coke, in more than one form. And I'm sorry, but I watched my parents go through this--including my mother being so codependent she'd leave us kids alone all night while she raced around trying to find my father--as well as once having loved an addict myself.

 

All I can tell you to do now is break it off, tell him to come find you if he can stay clean and sober and change his life around completely for a year. And then if you're still single and haven't moved on maybe it could work, but otherwise no dice. Otherwise expect much worse to come. And his name-calling you when he's drunk is just the beginning of how abusive he will be when he's drunk and high, there is worse to come. Hopefully it won't cross the line into the physical, but I wouldn't count on that either.

 

I hate to be the bearer of such bad news, but come on. You know in your heart of hearts what you're looking at and dealing with. Is this really the life you want?

 

This all happened, because his addictions are getting worse and he's found people to enable them. That's it, that's all it is. And yes, he already IS choosing that over you and will continue to do so until and unless he ever reaches absolute puking under the bridge, everyone has left me, I am going to die if I don't get help ROCK BOTTOM. And he's nowhere near that yet. That's the only reason this all happened, it has nothing to do with you. You could be a saint whose touch heals and it will not matter, because it's on him and in him and him alone to do something. And I just don't see that he has any desire at all to do so. He's already got you downplaying his actions and addictions and questioning yourself instead of him on what he's doing.

 

That's not good, in fact it's very, very bad.

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If I were you, I'd read up on addiction and addict behavior, because a great majority of your questions can be answered with "Because he's an addict, and this is addict behavior". In fact, the minute you described him leaving you at the gate or whatever and running back to talk to Sam, I was like, "Oh, he's going back to plan a score for tomorrow night." Know how I know this? I was once pretty into coke too. And I can tell you firsthand that during that time, I honestly didn't give a shiz about anyone or anything except coke. Right now you are just a Charlie Brown adult in his background, going "Wahh whaah whaah" in his ear while he recovers from his last high or plans his next high. He's going to make appropriate noises that he thinks you want to hear, but his noises are as meaningless as those of a Charlie Brown adult.

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I would seriously re-consider your relationship with this man. He has two addictions (maybe three with the porn, but that's uncertain) that are hounding your relationship, and it doesn't look like he has any intentions of letting these addictions go--ESPECIALLY because he has influences telling him to hold onto these addictions (from his close friend, Sam). BF claims that you are the most important person in his life, but his actions do not say this at all. In fact his actions are disrespectful toward you. Think about that.

 

This might be hard to believe, but people are perfectly capable of hanging out without drinking 15 beers (the last time I drank 15 beers was because my ex left to hang out with someone she previously dated--not just another Monday). He is telling you (a)he'll be back at a certain time, and (b) he won't drink that much, because he knows those are things you want to hear, but that isn't what he wants. He wants those things more than his time with you.

 

Stop thinking about him for just a moment. Think about yourself--what do you want? Do you want a partner who will make you a priority any day of the week? Do you want a partner who will care for you and address your needs, just as you do for him? It doesn't sound like this is what you have, right now. You have spent a year with him, but consider it a year's worth of lessons that you can take with you when you find a man who (a) respects you and doesn't make up excuses, (b) makes you a priority in his life, and © doesn't have addictions to struggle with--because he's already addressed them by himself (because he's a grown man).

 

It doesn't sound like you two are headed in the same direction. Leave him and don't look back.

 

Thank you, CJ88, when I tell him why I am hurt, he tells me there were so many times when he has forgiven me for my stupid mistakes, there was this one time when I was with my friends at a pub quiz, almost 7 months back, I couldn't get home earlier because I couldn't find cabs and my friends were chatting up with their college friends who they had met after a long time and I was depended on them to drop me home because it was unsafe to travel alone. On any given night, especially on quiz nights, I don't drink more than two beers because it's a quiz and I want to win! I am not a heavy drinker anyway and am not too crazy about drinking, I drink once in a while and don't drink too much because I know I can't handle it.

 

So he said, he has forgiven me for that night and so I need to forgive him for Sunday because it was a stupid mistake. And there were a couple of other times when we had fights because of me and he let those things go.

 

He also tells me I am very flirtatious when I am around men and drinking, my body language is like that, but he also said that "if that's who I am then he has no problem with it." But the last two times we have been out with his friends, he came back home very upset because he said I was flirting with his friends and falling all over them..which I am not sure I did. The one thing I accept was that I gave a very platonic hug to his friend Sam but on that particular night I didn't hug my bf when I went over to the pub to hangout with the two of them and I accept that but that's it. I am not sure about the whole flirting and falling all over part!

 

But still, that doesn't add up what happened on Sunday, what happened on Sunday was what happens each time he goes out with his friends, even if that may be as rarely as once a month or once in 3 months.

 

The only time he controls his alcohol intake is when the two of us go out alone, and that's because he has to take care of me and can't be drunk at night when we travel back alone.

 

He also has to drink on his own at least once a week (if he hadn't gone out drinking in a week) or once every two weeks (if he did go drinking). And most of the times he will drink two big cans of beers or mix beer and Whisky.

 

Every time I mention that his drinking might be a problem, he immediately reacts by saying "If I am an alcoholic how come I don't drink everyday? How come I don't drink that much when we go out? Why do you have a problem with me going out with my friends once in a blue moon and drinking? That's what guys do, we drink! Why can't I have fun and get drunk when I am out with the guys?"

 

I don't want to take away from the fact that he is a really great boyfriend otherwise, he is very loving, he listens to me and he cares for me beyond a doubt and has always been there for me during my down times. We've never had many fights or arguments and he makes me really happy otherwise. But every time he goes out drinking with his friends (even as rare as that may be), I get really worked up, and then whole thing on Sunday happened and that just broke all the trust.

 

He has been calling me and coming to my place to ask for forgiveness...but I just don't like the fact that he tells me that I need to forgive him now because in the past he has forgiven me and moved on from mistakes I've made.

 

His mother even spoke to me and told me not to leave him. She said he is a single child and has always been lonely and his friends have been there for him through his tough times and that's why he goes out with them and drinks with them. And that I should overlook it and he will be mend his ways as time goes by.

 

I want to help him sober up but without getting emotionally involved. How do I even suggest that he has a problem because like anyone who has a problem he won't own up to it. And second, he will immediately tell me, he drinks heavily only once in a while and he is not an addict. He will also tell me things like "Can't I even go out and drink with my friends? Just because I drink two nights in a row doesn't make me a drunkard. Going out on Sunday was just a random spontaneous decision. So I'm supposed to be like a robot and not go out two nights in a row?"

 

How do I address the problem to him without being attacked or him getting defensive or him bringing up the past or sling mud on my behavior or my mistakes?

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Thank you, CJ88, when I tell him why I am hurt, he tells me there were so many times when he has forgiven me for my stupid mistakes, there was this one time when I was with my friends at a pub quiz, almost 7 months back, I couldn't get home earlier because I couldn't find cabs and my friends were chatting up with their college friends who they had met after a long time and I was depended on them to drop me home because it was unsafe to travel alone. On any given night, especially on quiz nights, I don't drink more than two beers because it's a quiz and I want to win! I am not a heavy drinker anyway and am not too crazy about drinking, I drink once in a while and don't drink too much because I know I can't handle it.

So he said, he has forgave me for that night and so I need to forgive him for Sunday. And there were a couple of other times when we had fights because of me and he let those things go.

But still, that doesn't add up what happened on Sunday, what happened on Sunday was what happens each time he goes out with his friends, even if that may be as rarely as once a month or once in 3 months.

The only time he controls his alcohol intake is when the two of us go out alone, and that's because he has to take care of me and can't be drunk at night when we travel back alone.

He also has to drink on his own at least once a week (if he hadn't gone out drinking in a week) or once every two weeks (if he did go drinking). And most of the times he will drink two big cans of beers or mix beer and whisky.

Every time I mention that his drinking might be a problem, he immediately reacts by saying "If I am an alcoholic how come I don't drink everyday? How come I don't drink that much when we go out? Why do you have a problem with me going out with my friends once in a bluemoon and drinking? That's what guys do, we drink! Why can't I have fun and get drunk when I am out with the guys?"

I don't want to take away from the fact that he is a really great boyfriend otherwise, he is very loving, he listens to me and he cares for me beyond a doubt and has always been there for me during my down times. We've never had many fights or arguments and he makes me really happy otherwise. But everytime he goes out drinking with his friends (even as rare as that may be), I get really worked up, and then whole thing on Sunday happened and that just broke all the trust.

 

He's a great boyfriend other than the fact that he is a drug addict and an alcoholic that can't admit he has an addiction and dependency.

 

He's not going to change because he is in total denial that he even HAS a problem. There are plenty of people that can have a "good time" without doing lines of coke.

You don't have to drink to "get drunk" every time. That is a really immature attitude. And having to get drunk three times in one week is NOT rarely.

 

He consistently (as many addicts do) chooses his addiction over you and over loving and respecting you.

 

There are many people that are addicts that still have good qualities, that does not mean they are not an addict with problems.

 

Stay if you want to, but this isn't going to magically stop, especially when he's in total denial. You either feel comfortable staying with an addict or you don't. It's really as simple as that.

You need to decide if his "redeeming" qualities make it worth putting up with his addictions. But if you decide to stay, stop complaining because at this point you know what he is, and by staying with him you are telling him that you are okay with it. (Even if your words say otherwise)

 

Not all men are addicts, do drugs, or feel like they need to get drunk to have a good time.

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He's a great boyfriend other than the fact that he is a drug addict and an alcoholic that can't admit he has an addiction and dependency.

 

He's not going to change because he is in total denial that he even HAS a problem. There are plenty of people that can have a "good time" without doing lines of coke.

You don't have to drink to "get drunk" every time. That is a really immature attitude. And having to get drunk three times in one week is NOT rarely.

 

He consistently (as many addicts do) chooses his addiction over you and over loving and respecting you.

 

There are many people that are addicts that still have good qualities, that does not mean they are not an addict with problems.

 

Stay if you want to, but this isn't going to magically stop, especially when he's in total denial. You either feel comfortable staying with an addict or you don't. It's really as simple as that.

You need to decide if his "redeeming" qualities make it worth putting up with his addictions. But if you decide to stay, stop complaining because at this point you know what he is, and by staying with him you are telling him that you are okay with it. (Even if your words say otherwise)

 

Not all men are addicts, do drugs, or feel like they need to get drunk to have a good time.

 

You're absolutely right redswim30. I totally agree with everything you're saying but my concern is how am I going to get him to accept that he has a problem?

 

I want to help him sober up but without getting emotionally involved. How do I even suggest that he has a problem because like anyone who has a problem he won't own up to it and is already denying it every time I have told him about it. And second, he will immediately tell me, he drinks heavily only once in a while and he is not an addict. He will also tell me things like "Can't I even go out and drink with my friends? Just because I drink two nights in a row doesn't make me a drunkard. Going out on Sunday was just a random spontaneous decision. So I'm supposed to be like a robot and not go out two nights in a row?"

 

How do I address the problem to him without being attacked or him getting defensive or him bringing up the past or sling mud on my behavior or my mistakes?

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Hi there. You've gotten a lot of great advice already and I just want to add my 2 cents because...your post could have been mine about a decade ago.

 

I was in a relationship for quite a while and just like you, I loved him and he loved me. I never doubted that and even today I don't doubt it. But love is never enough. NEVER. He also was a great guy. He really was. He was funny, nice, caring, and we really connected sometimes. This is why we kept going through cycles of breaking up and getting back together. Because we both had problems but we still wanted to work it through.

 

So...he also had a friend...which turned into a group of friends...who he hung out with. I liked them too. Good guys and we always had fun together. He also smoked out and as it happens quite often, it turned into harder things. He would constantly hide doing the coke from me even though I could tell when he did it.

 

So listen...from that experience, here are my answers for you.

 

Here is the explanation for Sunday. He wanted to 'party' without you there, not because he wanted alone time with Sam. He wanted to be free to do coke, drink like a fish, and maybe go to a strip club and/or get some more porno. Sam is his go-to guy that he can do this stuff around. He's ashamed and would rather you not know about it, so he can have his 'normal' life with you and then have those nights when he 'lets loose' and parties hard with Sam and the others.

 

He didn't choose this over you exactly; in his mind, he wants both lives simultaneously. And he thinks he can have it that way.

 

What he did wasn't a mistake. He is a grown man. His brain is fully developed by his age. He has the ability to make decisions and he has decided that he wants to do coke and drink.

 

Listen, I have tried many ways to stop my ex from doing this. I tried restricting him like a dictator. I tried doing the drugs with him. I tried not talking about it and letting him do what he wants. I tried breaking up with him but I wasn't strong enough to keep to it and kept going back to him because we had the same circle of friends, and I didn't want to start over, etc etc etc.

 

Then I realized that I couldn't change him if he didn't want to be changed. It wasn't enough to love him. Sadly, it wasn't even enough that he loved me.

 

I finally ended things, and it was hard. It was almost as bad as ending a drug addiction because in a way, that's what he was to me. He was bad for me but I felt like I needed him. I stayed strong and resisted, no matter what tricks he pulled.

 

He can tell you all the convincing things he wants now - while he's sober and not on anything. But remember, the way he acts when he's on drugs IS ALSO WHO HE IS. It's just a more hidden part of him. That will not change if you get married. In fact, that could be pretty bad if you guys have kids. Can you imagine him as a father doing these things?

 

The best your relationship can be right now would only be if he swears up and down to never do that again, and you believe him, and then the cycle starts again. I am 100% positive that he will do this again and he will again beg you to forgive him, and he loves you, etc. I'm sure he does love you, but the love is not what's in question. You also have to look at the life you're living and wonder if this is the life you want. Remember, these are supposed to be the best days of your life. So can you imagine things getting worse? Maybe he'll do more than just coke. Because coke is fun but it gets boring. So his friend will have something harder. He is on a fast track to his own personal hell, and as much as you care for him, you can't stop him. You can only save yourself and get out, and go on to have a productive, happy life. One where you won't have to wonder if your BF is rolling up a dollar bill to get those drugs in his system, wonder if he'll break another promise to you again but say he'll make it up by taking you on a trip somewhere.

 

It's not too late to get out. Seriously, please think about this. You can PM me if you want to talk about it further. Best of luck to you.

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There is NO such a thing as an "occasional coke" user. Never was and never will be.

 

He is simply dong a GREAT job at hiding this horrible addiction. This addiction will effect your life down the line DEEPLY. Mark my words, and don't ask how I know.....

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That's what guys do, we drink!

 

This is a ridiculous statement. Guys (and women) do lots of things; they play sports, they play music, they go to movies, they have dinner, and the list goes on. The fact that this is actually something he considers an activity is sad, in my opinion, because I don't value drinking that way.

 

You clearly don't share the same views about socializing/how you spend free time. That's a pretty big difference. Sounds like a major incompatibility to me.

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I just wanted to add that BF's bringing up "your mistakes"--which seem like genuine mistakes--does nothing to address current problems. This is a ploy to divert the consequences of his actions. Even if you accidently offended him, he should have brought that to light whenever it happened...not bottled it up as ammo against you when he messes up.

 

For example: I made a mistake, but two months ago you didn't hug me, so everything cancels out.----Do you see how ridiculous this is? Clear misdirection. His actions are not "stupid mistakes"--they are "deliberate decisions." It also sounds like he is very controlling over you, when he counts affection like that.

 

He is refusing to address his problems, and you can't make him address those problems. I can't believe his mother told you not to leave him. Do not listen to that woman, she has only her son's best interests in mind, not yours. She will lie if she thinks it will do good for her son.

 

You are not responsible for saving people, and this is hard to accept, because you can't make people do anything. Eventually, when you keep trying to save someone, you just may become swept under it all, and the both of you will drown.

 

Leave him, don't look back.

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You are not responsible for saving people, and this is hard to accept, because you can't make people do anything. Eventually, when you keep trying to save someone, you just may become swept under it all, and the both of you will drown.

 

Leave him, don't look back.

 

Agreed 100%

 

People don't change, and we shouldn't have to change them anyways.

 

HE is responsible for his own crap, and currently it's a WHOLE lot of crap that OP wants no part of. And in time, that crap will grow into a landfill of garbage that will pull OP right in with him......

 

RUN FOREST RUN

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You're absolutely right redswim30. I totally agree with everything you're saying but my concern is how am I going to get him to accept that he has a problem?

 

QUOTE]

 

You CAN'T, daisy. You can't control him. Nothing YOU say will make HIM accept that he has a problem. HE has to. Nothing YOU say is going to make HIM not fly off the handle, or change the subject or get defensive.

 

You can't change him. Only HE can change him. But if he doesn't believe he needs to change, he won't even try. For you or for anyone.

That's why I said, you either accept him as he is now or you move on to someone who isn't an addict and will treat you with more respect.

 

Addicts only stop when THEY decide to stop. But with ANY repetitive behavior, it's up to the person doing it to DECIDE to change. NO one can do it for them.

 

If getting someone to change their behavior patterns was as easy as, "You need to accept you have a problem". " Ok, I have a problem and I will start to change tomorrow" *FADE TO BLACK*

If it was THAT easy, daisy- many people (included myself) would not be divorced and a LOT more relationships would work out.

You simply can't control someone else's behavior. You can't "rationalize" someone into taking action, even if it's to THEIR benefit. It doesn't work.

The sooner you accept this, the happier you'll be.

 

Someone either wants to change and they do. Or else they don't think they need to change, and they don't. There's no in between.

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Classic alcoholic and addict behaviors. Look, people can stay dry and clean for years, decades even. And they are still addicts and alcoholics. We call those "dry drunks" and yes, my dad was one of those. He could and often did have cycles of being totally dry, sometimes for months, before he'd pick up the bottle again. Then it would slowly creep in and over time he'd get worse and worse, still not touching it every day, until something would blow up--he'd get pulled over on a DUI, my mother would toss him out of the house, his boss would suspend him, you name it. Then he'd dry out, but over time he'd find and search for some reason, any reason to drink again. And off we'd go...and he did that for years.

 

So it's a load of crap that your BF isn't an alcoholic, because he doesn't drink every day or do drugs every day. Hello, people go to prison for decades, are forced to stay clean that entire time, and the minute they are out they are right back at drinking and doing drugs. Because addictions, all addictions, are about more than just the substance and ingesting it. They are about lifestyle choices. They are about who they keep company with. They are about how they justify being allowed to drink/do drugs/insert other addictions.

 

You want an addict or an alcoholic clean? They have to change their entire life around. And I don't see that with this guy at all. IF he said, "Well okay, I will give up the sauce. And I have ended that friendship with my little friendly dealer/druggie pals" maybe you could believe him. But he isn't and in fact half of his whining is over you not wanting him to hang with them.

 

He will never be clean or sober as long as he has people like that in his life, as long as he blames you, as long as he justifies and downplays why he does what he does.

 

He doesn't just have "weakenesses" he's a full-blown alcoholic and being a dry drunk means you're still a drunk. I know the talk well, I know the signs well. I grew up with an alcoholic father who could stay clean at the drop of a hat, who could be a dry drunk for long periods of time, two different relatives who run treatment centers and a whole bevvy of watching families escape abusive relationships in a women's shelter I worked in for 16 years.

 

I'm sorry, you can't address him in any way that he won't attack, because he knows he has a problem. He just doesn't want to stop and he may very well never want to do so even while he's dying. There's your future.

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He is a coke head, that right there should be enough to send you running for the hills. Forget the porn and the fact that he stays out all night like a frat boy. HE IS A COKE HEAD.

 

Do you really want to marry someone that snorts coke? Imagine your life with him, money for coke will be his priority and I certainly wouldn't want someone like that as a father to my children.

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