How do i handle this hurtful episode?

Hello everyone.

I'm in a situation in my life, that has caused me to desperately look for a forum online, to get some advice and opinions on my current situation.

This will likely become a biggy (the thread), so i want to say beforehand that i deeply appreciate your time and advice.

4 months ago, i met a man. We fell head over heels in love instantly, i'd call it love at first sight.

He's 38 and i'm 26.

We've both been single for years, and while we both have had long relationships in the past, it's still been a bit hard to adjust to being a couple again, for both of us, which is okay.

Also ofcourse the aspect of properly getting to know each other and learning to avoid accidentally pushing each others buttons.

The relationship has been great. I've never had a relationship that has been so beneficial to me personally in every way.

I just know how cliché i sound, so i might aswell say it.

I love him. And i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I'm prepared to take all the bad with the good, i know he's not perfect and can't always do everything right, and certainly not me either.

Our relationship has been moving fast, because of how we both feel about each other. We didn't publicly announce us as a couple before 2 months of being together, but none of us had any doubts.

I still don't have any doubts. But i do however need guidance on how to properly move on from this episode.

We've been loosely discussing subjects of a future together since the beginning, starting a family , living together at some point etc.

After about 3 months he brought up how he'd be insanely happy if i got pregnant on 'accident'. I told him i'd feel the same, and that i'd be ready to stop taking my birth control pills whenever he told me to, whether it be now, in 6 months or in a year. He said he felt honoured and really happy, and we left the subject, i knew i was saying a really massive thing, and it might take him a long time to reach that point. All was good.

Then after about a week, he brought the subject up again, and told me to stop taking them. Not that we'd try *that* actively to have a baby, we just wouldn't hinder the possibility of a baby we're both ready for and want.

Then a week later, we were on the subject of moving in together. Not making plans at all, just discussing it. He followed by saying i should start taking the birth control pills again.

I was so deeply hurt, mad, frustrated, confused, youname it.

We were both crying, and we discussed it for like two hours.

Then we found out almost by random, that we'd misunderstood each other from the beginning.

He thought i'd expect him to move here (we live in different cities) ASAP if i got pregnant, and he'd been stressing very much about the possibility of having to uproot everything from one day to another, give up his place, move to another town, he'd have to buy a new car, etc etc.

I deeply understand that, and told him i do NOT expect us to live together before a baby comes. The only thing this was all about for me, was that i can't bear the thought of hindering a baby with him.

He felt so stupid, and said if he'd known that, he wouldn't have told me to start taking the birth control again. I thought he knew that, i thought we'd talked about it so much. But it was not the thought of having a baby (with me) that scared him at all, it was the 'suddenly moving' and everything that comes with that.

That was last wednesday. He spent the night at my place until thursday, we were just exhausted from the whole thing, but everything was okay again.

This week is his 'work week' so he works 12 hours a day, and we usually don't see each other that much in those weeks, we haven't seen each other since thursday noon.

I've already talked for hours to my mom and both my sisters, trying to figure out how to properly get through this in a way that makes us stronger instead of weaker.

The issue is, the day after the argument, i told him i'd just keep taking the pill for a while, to let us slow down and completely remove the stress, and get down to earth again.

I took it for two days, then i realised i CAN'T do it.

I keep thinking about this tiny sperm cell swimming to the egg, and not being able to get in. And i can't bear it. I feel sick to my stomach from thinking about it.

If i picture him putting on a condom, i feel sick to my stomach and turned off. When i think about him pulling out before finishing (i hope it's alright to be this personal), i want to cry.

Had he just said nothing to begin with, it would've been okay. I was prepared to wait as long as it would take for him to be ready. But he DID make the decision, and i can't bear him taking it back.

My mom thinks i should just tell him that, since it wasn't the subject of the baby that was the problem.

But i fear that the whole thing just made him want to take a step back, and i feel like it's too soon for me to bring up again.

I do want to accept and respect his wishes, but i can't just turn off my feelings with a button.

What if he says he WANTS me to wait with stopping birth control? When i deeply feel like i can't. I'd rather not have sex. But i know that will hurt the relationship too.

How do i handle this with respect and care for both of us?

I haven't brought it up with him because he's working, i want him to be able to unwind when he gets home, for the few hours he even has before having to go to sleep and repeat.

But it's insanely hard for me to bottle things up. I can't avoid giving off signs that i'm hurting, i cry myself to sleep at night, and i'm about to go insane.

Robin,

That's a hard pill to swallow. I can understand why you would be hurt. Sounds impulsive on his part and he changed his mind after thinking about it. Just keep it casual and see how things go after it calms down.

Or you can start dating me, as I want a child desparately

Slow wayyyyyyyy down! You guys only know each other 4 months so barely yet, not enough to bring a baby into this world and then have it fall apart....let it go at a slower, more natural pace and do take the pill or at least tell him you didn't, you don't want to spring a pregnancy on him

OP, you've been together for 4 months! Do not have a baby! It would be the biggest mistake of your life I'm not joking.

At 4 months, you're still in the honey moon period, have your rose glasses on, and you're still working out if you're compatible for the long term (which you absolutely cannot know after only 4 months, because you simply have not seen ALL of him yet). Do not make any major decisions during the honey moon period.

Love at first sight is lust at first sight. It means nothing regarding long term compatibility. You need time to observe and assess, as objectively as possible, before you can come to such conclusions.

Even aside from all that, the fact that he tells a woman he's been dating for just 4 months to get off the pill and possibly get pregnant, then change his mind, are both very irresponsible behaviours. He comes accross as an impulsive person. I don't think he would make a good long term partner let alone take on the responsibility of a child.

You are not even married. If you get pregnant, have a child, and he changes his mind AGAIN, about even wanting this child, or wanting to be with you, you are f***ed. It's not just you, this is another human being's life you're talking about here, who may have to grow up in a broken home. Please be responsible.

MovingForward3 - Thanks for advice.

I know to be true that i should just take a step back and a deep breath. In my opinion, this is not a "big" relationship issue, as i'm not in a hurry with anything.

But as i mentioned, it's the thought of actively stopping a baby from happening that i can't deal with.

And yeah, it frustrates me badly that he changed his mind. Because i'm the kind of person to think about everything back and forth, every aspect, worst case and best case scenarios and everything in between. I thought he'd have the same kind of certainty since he made the decision and he's 38.

Who even does that, makes such important decisions and then afterwards think about the bad stuff?

It's hard for me to accept a mistake like that, because, when he tells me i'm the one and he wants to be with me forever, how am i supposed to "believe that", when he apparently is the type of person to make decisions without thinking thoroughly about it. I know there's never any guarantees, but there's more of a guarantee in having genuinely thought about it, than just throwing it out there.

A lasting relationship, to me, is as much a choice as it's love. And the love is there without a doubt. I made the choice, i'm going to be with him, also through this ty situation, and every other ty situation that'll ever appear.

But i also know i have to handle this the right way, or i can end up doing more damage than good.

My ex was 38 when we dated, I was 30. He was the most impulsive, immature person I've ever met.

Do not make assumptions based on someone's age. Your assumption also shows exactly the fact that you don't know him well enough to be having a baby with him.

Yes, who does that? Who makes such important decisions then think about the consequences? Well he did.

People can say all kinds of things like you're the one and they want to newish you forever. Words are cheap, it's the actions that count. Like I said, he's impulsive. My ex was the same, declared repeatedly how much he loved me and wanted to marry me down the track within the first few months of dating, while I was trying to pump the brakes, then he changed him mind, then changed back, then changed again. That's what impulsive, immature people do, you can't take their words seriously.

I also urge you to rethink you devotion to him. You made a choice to DATE him. Dating entails getting to know each other well enough to know if you want to and CAN spend a life time with this person. You do not stick to a choice like this if evidence points to the guy being unfit for a long term partner, for you at least.

He has showed you who he is through this episode. Take note and exit before it's too late. This is a major flaw anyone can have that will impact themselves and people around them deeply and negatively.

So much thought and planning has to go into creating a new little life. Never make such an important decision as somebody's life while being high on crazy emotions. You have been together FOUR months. Don't you think a child's life deserves more thought than that?

1. You're only 26, what's the hurry? It's not like you won't be able to have a baby in 5 or 10 years from now.

2. Deciding that someone would be a great father after just 4 months of dating him, is absurd. By 4 months, you don't even know if someone will still be with you next month...much less for a lifetime caring about a child.

3. When you and he couldn't even communicate clearly about an issue that should be simple to be talked about (where to live if/when a baby is born), what makes you think that either one of you would make a good parent?

Like the others said..slow...down. You can do anything you like to your own life...but not to an innocent child's life.

Really!!! He can have a child with you, but not move in with you? Huge red flag! For the life of me, I can't understand why you are considering a child when you have known someone for under a year. Really irresponsible!

Why are you making him the decision-maker in something as important as a baby? You should not be having children now, as you said you would not have considered this to begin with.

This is all a bad idea. You both sound emotionally immature. Usually, when a relationship moves this quickly in the beginning, it ends as quickly. Slow your roll. I can see you raising this kid alone, as he will have moved on to the next girl!

 

This is all a bad idea. You both sound very emotionally immature. Usually, when a relationship moves this quickly in the beginning, it ends as quickly. Slow your roll.

I completely agree with this! Anyone who jumps in this fast will jump out just as fast. Proceed with caution with anyone who starts talking about planning a life together after only a few months.

Have you never been in a relationship before that started out great & ended once you actually got to know each other and the novelty wore off?

I have a relative who would do things like this. I think they would try to have a baby on purpose in order to ensure some sort of permanent tie together. He and his girlfriend would I swear intentionally try to get pregnant after only dating for a few months. She miscarried, they broke up. He started dating a new girl & did the exact same thing. This one didn't miscarry. They lived together for a short period of time. He ended up in a homeless shelter for a while. I'm not sure what he is doing now.

If things are really that great with him and you both are so certain that you will stay together, then why do you have to have a baby right now?

If you can't stand the thought of preventing fertilization, you could stop having sex for a while until you've been together longer. A year at least.

I have to echo the others' advice. 4 months. That's, like, 120 days, right? You don't know each other. At all. I don't care if you're on the phone for 7 hours straight or if, everytime you look at him, you feel sparks or butterflies in your stomach. YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM. He doesn't know you. TRUST ME, as a person who used to be more impulsive than you, who wanted to have a baby with someone who was a FWB (when I was going out with someone else), that this idea of having a baby under these circumstances...will lead to a LOT of struggles and misery. It is completely irresponsible.

I know it sounds harsh and I really apologize for that, but I am trying to save you from a lot of pain. People are together for years and still don't know each other. You'd be surprised what things people can keep hidden from their significant other. I'm not saying you guys won't last. I have no way of knowing that. I'm just saying that this is the wrong talk at the wrong time.

Hey, I'd take a good look at the relationship. It sounds like you are both very much in love etc. But I would be taking birth control, even if it makes you feel sick the thought of not having a baby, you've been together a short period and still have a lot to learn about each other, and how you feel/fit together as a couple. I would wait to have a baby for a few months. What's 2/3 months? Really you will both want to be living with each other when you are pregnant and when the baby arrives.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time about this, even if you know you want a child with this man. It's life changing. You are completely right in feeling upset.

But please take your time. Are you in a stable enough relationship to bring a child into? Can you support the child? Will you be able to live together as a family?

Have a few months and then try. I hope it all goes well, enjoy being in love and happy.

You would need a microscope to see the happy little sperm and the lonely egg. Bring up a child alone isn't likely in your plans, so get back on BC.

If you are still together, that is what is important here. You have a strong bond, and it seems that he does not want to change it.

Bringing a life into this world is a huge step! You two are still in the honeymood stage and everything is flowers and rainbows. But you are still getting to know each other.

He is being logical. Don't discount him or give him a hard time about this. If you love this man and want to spend your life with him, compromise and look at his side too.

Both of you have had long term relationships before, so you should both understand very well that everything that starts quickly will also end just as quickly.

Please, PLEASE! Focus on your relationship until you know in your heart, AND from a grounded and logical standpoint, that this is the man you want to bring a child into the world with.

Good luck to you - I really don't think any hope has been lost. Just slow down for the sake of this innocent, unborn being.

I hope you reading and taking to heart what everyone is telling you. You are in some sort of fantasy world worrying about the little sperm being blocked from the egg! You are in no position to be having a baby with a guy you just dont know. Slow down! There's no big rush to get pregnant now.

I hope you reading and taking to heart what everyone is telling you. You are in some sort of fantasy world worrying about the little sperm being blocked from the egg! You are in no position to be having a baby with a guy you just dont know. Slow down! There's no big rush to get pregnant now.

Yes. You sound almost desperate to please this guy. Not a way to bring an innocent child into the world. Not healthy.

No offense, but you are BOTH acting like two 16-year-olds who have spent too much time watching Teen Mom. Grow up!

If you cannot bear the thought of pregnancy prevention using a BC method then use the abstinence method for now. I agree with the others that it is way too soon to be considering having a baby.

I think some of you were more harsh than necessarry.

I did however take everyones responses to heart.

And i realised some things, and i want to thank all of you for that.

I realised i was projecting my fears about our relationship onto the pregnancy issue.

I talked to him on the phone for some hours tonight.

I was afraid i couldn't talk to him about things (all issues in general), and i've been talking so much to my mom and sisters about it, but the person i needed to talk to was HIM.

Point is, i realised that my sadness was not actually because of hindering natures ways (not really), it was because i felt like starting to use birth control again, was equal to him being less sure about our relationship than he previously was. That was the hurtful part. Not the tiny sperm that can't get in.

I'm very bad at bottling things up and it drove me on the verge of insanity.

I feel a hundred times more clear in my mind, and at peace, than i did when i made this thread.

I know we don't know each other THAT well.

Today proved two things to me. 1; your responses made me realise that i DON'T know him completely yet. And it made me able to put my head on straight, and find the core of my real issues in all this.

It also proved to me that i love him to death, and his support for me today was god sent.

Anyway, i just wanted to make a reply here to say thank you for your help and opinions, and to say i finally feel calm again, and i can breathe for the first time in days.

Good for you! Just take the time to enjoy this wonderful phase of a relationship and get to know each other.

Once you have kids there is way less time for each other so just enjoy it. You have plenty of time!

Keep communicating with him!

Wow 4 months! Slow down! You have yet to truly know each other. Of course he'll be in a rush to want a child he's in his late 30's. Who's to say he wouldn't completely change his mind months later while your preparing to be a single mom. Chill out lol. Enjoy the new relationship first.

Neither of you are actually 'thinking' right on your futures.

You;re both in a 'high' at this time because this is a new relationship... ( honeymoon phase).

Believe me, things WILL settle down.

After ONLY 4 months, you are seriously considering having a baby with this man??? No. You need to calm down and get your brain in gear, over your fluttering heart.

he can't be the one to TELL you when to stop taking your pills. It needs to be from both sides.. agreement.

The last thing you two need at this time.. getting to know each other is another one to care for.. when you don't even know yourself IF he'll still be around in another year or two...

Also, a child can add more stress to an unsteady situation. making things more difficult. I dont think you need that right now, either.

You twoo really need to slow everything down and keep working on the relationship.

I really dont understand the rush on a baby.. etc.

Hmm yeah don't be rushing it. I mean it is obvious you both want kids, but also remember your partner isn't getting any younger. So first let the relationship develop, live together and share a life and see where you are both at with the having children thing in 12 months time or so.

My partner and I discussed the children thing quite early on in our relationship and both decided against it. We have been together the same time as you both and my partner is 38. He has a son who he has full time.