Asking for too much understanding/empathy?

I have a looming feeling (and have had for months) for my gf of 10 months to provide understanding, empathy and ultimately agreement on a subject in particular. I think about it almost every day and it causes me anxiety.

What it is, is that consistently in the first nine months of so of the relationship, I stumbled accross about 10 items that would cause me to feel jealous. E.g. A stray photo of her ex that she took, him sat on a bed wearing just pants. Or a stray love letter written by her to her ex of sexual nature. The other things weren't so bad, but the point is, that there was a steady supply of these items, which she claims she didn't know existed, and frankly, when I found them, they did mess me up. They did make me feel somewhat insecure and in competition.

The real issue however, is how we dealt with these occurrences. Every time, there would be the following pattern:

1. I stumble accross something

2. I feel sad

3. Gf sees me sad, and inquires why

4. I explain why

5. She feels blamed

6. The conversation turns to her explaining and excising herself, and dealing with her sense of blame (hijacking), often ending with defensiveness on her side, saying "it's all on me!" Or "if I'm not good enough find someone else"

7. I haven't gotten the support/understanding/empathy I needed from the conversation due to hijacking

8. I get frustrated or angry

9. She gives up entirely on the conversation (understandably so, because I show frustration).

10. We've gone nowhere. I'm left with no support, or reassurance that if does happen again she'll have my back.

That's been the consistent pattern since the first occurrence. This broken process, having failed many times, now has made me feel anxious almost every day.

Now, i need understanding in this area perhaps more than the average guy, because in my last relationship, my ex remained in email contact with hers, which did bug me. I didn't find it too bad to begin with, but in the end I rejected that as something acceptable in a relationship. So, lo and behold, if I were to find several (sometimes graphic) in a new relationship, I'm going to need a little understanding. Yet! What I get is that broken down process hijacked by gf guilt, and i come away every time without her on my side. Problems with my ex aside, I think most guys would find this situation tough, don't you think?

At the moment, she is saying that she is fed up of us talking about this. Every time I raise it, it's because I've never had her backing on it, so it feels like something unresolved. She claims to have understood that she didn't provide ENOUGH empathy, and/or that I didn't perceive her empathy. But for me, the process broke down every time before I got what I needed (nothing but understanding from her side that what I feel isn't great, followed by empathy/sympathy). That would have healed the situation enormously. I don't buy that she didn't give me ENOUGH empathy. Either it's there, or it isn't, and hijacking the discussion nullifies any delivery of it.

It is really tough now approaching this subject with her. My anger is at peak level so I cannot constructively discuss this anymore in a calm manner, to the degree that most of the times when I get to step 8 or 10 in the process, I shout and slam things and show aggression. It still doesn't feel like she "gets it". She seems to think that my sadness is instead related to being away from family and not having had a sport to play for a number of months, and that my ex relationship is to blame. I do not doubt that these things play a part in my sadness, but they feel very minor in comparison with the broken hijacked process and ultimately the feeling of lack of support from her. Furthermore, I have gone through periods where I didn't play sport, and I had no such anxiety problems. Secondly, my opinion is that regardless of my problems in the last relationship, lack of support in such case is still fundamentally a big missing for anyone, or at least most people. Granted, I'm not saying they would have resorted to the anger I now show (and I am going to speak to someone about this, because it can't spiral any further) but to be fair, I think they probably would have left the relationship entirely, yet I still feel committed so want to resolve it.

Look, i mean this kindly, OK?

You are the only person that can heal yourself. For some reason you're handing over the responsibility for dealing with your hurt feelings to her. So, you found some letters and photos that were part of her previous relationship. She got defensive, and now you feel you haven't completed that conversation or got the empathy you believe you deserve for your hurt feelings. They are your feelings, and it's your sole responsibility to deal with them. Not hers.

To be perfectly honest you sound like a child. Shouting and slamming things and blaming her for your feelings. Huh? You need to grow up. Don't you understand? Stuff happens in life. You saw some photos and read some letters and now you feel inadequate, insecure, whatever. Get over it.

You see, I'm not showing enough empathy either. And you know why, because you're not seeking empathy - you're looking for someone to soothe your poor little damaged ego. That's why your GF is sick of you. That's why you need to grow up.

How do you keep stumbling accross pieces of her past? Are the randomly found on the floor of her apartment? And why should she have to explain anything?

You have anxiety and jealousy issues. They are not hers to solve, or even feel empathy for. You have baggage....either seek professional therapy to unpack and resolve it, or stop being in this relationship. It isn't your girlfriends job to heal your psyche. You are essentially taking out your relationship scars on her, which is grossly unfair.

Are these letters and such from a past ex? Some people keep momentos around, just forget to throw them out, etc. I'm assuming she isn't cheating, so you're just feeling sad because you saw some old photos she had of a past ex, with no evidence of her fooling around on you? Is that it?

That's called retro jealousy, and it's up to YOU to get over it, not her. It's completely unproductive and will hurt your relationship if you don't get it under control. It's not her fault that she has had past relationships, nor is it her job to soothe you when you come accross evidence of her past relationships. As long as she's not PURPOSEFULLY shoving it rudely in your face or anything, you have to accept that she has had past boyfriends and that's just how it is.

If it bothers you THAT much, maybe you need to date virgins with no prior romantic history. She is your girlfriend, she is supposed to be supportive but it's not her job to self-soothe. As adults, we all need to learn how to self-soothe at times. Yes, you saw a letter from the past, it makes you feel kind of cruddy....that's not her fault. What is she supposed to say/do? This is on you to move past. You need to stop blaming her for your own reactions and feelings.

Get it together, man.

"E.g. A stray photo of her ex that she took, him sat on a bed wearing just pants. Or a stray love letter written by her to her ex of sexual nature. The other things weren't so bad, but the point is, that there was a steady supply of these items, which she claims she didn't know existed, and frankly, when I found them, they did mess me up. They did make me feel somewhat insecure and in competition."

- Stray photo's..letters, etc.

I feel this is stemming from what you explained happened as well in your relationship before this one?

So, it could be strengthening anger, frustrations, etc.

As mentioned with your last one.. to be emailing her ex, etc. is not considered 'normal', acceptable etc.

But, I think you need to consider some prof help now. Therapy? To work on your growing anxiety, frustrations, etc.

Yes, it is normal sometimes to see someone may have a piece of their past still, put away. Pic's etc.

But it doesn't mean they're still living there. It WAS a part of their life though.

As mentioned above, stop laying blame onto other's for yor own feelings/thoughts.

In the end, you always have a choice. It's been 10 months... do you love & trust her.. or not?

They are your feelings, and it's your sole responsibility to deal with them. Not hers.

So it's unreasonable to expect any kind of support of this kind from ones partner? So if i accidentally run over the dog and kill it, and she is sad about it because she was emotionally tied to the dog. If I approach her because she's sad, as soon as she mentions that it's because I ran the dog over, it's ok for me to feel blame and give her something other than the support that she's asking?

To me, that sounds irresponsible. She's been hurt by it, whether I've caused it or not, it's up to me to support her, as her loving partner.

Are you comparing the pain of finding a past love note in her apartment to the pain she would feel if you accidentally killed her dog?

Do you realize how hyperbolic that is?

So it's unreasonable to expect any kind of support of this kind from ones partner? So if i accidentally run over the dog and kill it, and she is sad about it because she was emotionally tied to the dog. If I approach her because she's sad, as soon as she mentions that it's because I ran the dog over, it's ok for me to feel blame and give her something other than the support that she's asking?

 

To me, that sounds irresponsible. She's been hurt by it, whether I've caused it or not, it's up to me to support her, as her loving partner.

Yes it is wholly unreasonable for her to heal your anxiety over you being unable to handle a picture or letter from her past.

What does killing a dog have to do with anything?

Partners support each other for what they are experiencing in the present. Work stress, family stress, etc. Expecting your partner to be your therapist because you have never addressed your issues of low self esteem and anxiety is unfair, and will lead very quickly to the end of the relationship. Heal thyself.

How about we flip the same situation around then. Do I feel blame and tell her that it "all feels like it's on me" if she's opening up with sadness of the stray photos of my "model" ex girlfriend and sexual letters, knowing that she has a body-image problem?

Or perhaps do I feel partly responsible for it, admit to myself that I've screwed up and failed to safeguard my girlfriend against what would disturb anyone, let alone someone not confident about their body?

People can, and do carry insecurities with them in the present. They are chiefly responsible for them, but this doesn't mean they shouldn't expect understanding and support from the partner.

I think both of you need to clean up the apartment. Where do all these stray photos come from?

Dude....you can listen, or you can keep blaming your girlfriend because you feel sad and anxious. And if you choose the latter, soon you will have a photo album with more pictures that you can reminisce about the past.

No, it wouldn't disturb anyone else. I personally like hearing my partner's stories about past exes and don't mind seeing momentos and pictures. Even if I wasn't that open, I accept that my partner has been with some other people before me and if I stumbled accross evidence of that, I wouldn't come apart at the seams. It's part of life.

I need to ask this: where are you finding these photos and letters? Are they out in the open? did you go through her drawers? How many times has this happened?

No, I would say, if your girlfriend found evidence of PAST relationships in your place, she shouldn't blame you and vice versa.

My boyfriend was married before. He stood in front of friends and family and vowed to stay together.

They are divorced.

Should I berate him or myself for the fact that he pledging his love...and it died.

Should I be asking for his understanding and support because he doesn't want to marry me?

Should I be looking through his drawers looking for his wedding album and then be sad and blame him for keeping it?

So why is it that the one time we went to see a counsellor, she said to both of us:

"I can understand how it makes you feel, having seen those things. It can be felt like a threat to a mans masculinity. They really do need to be cleared away."

Please answer my question before: how are you finding this items? How often has this happened?

What does that matter? We explained that very clearly to the counsellor.

10 counts that I remember. The photo as we were flicking through our own photos on her tab that we've always shared. The sexual letter she gave to me with a pile of other stuff she wanted burning

Point being, as the counsellor implied, the photos shouldn't have been there on something shared, and she should have burned the notes herself.

So why is it that the one time we went to see a counsellor, she said to both of us:

 

"I can understand how it makes you feel, having seen those things. It can be felt like a threat to a mans masculinity. They really do need to be cleared away."

She said she could see how it makes YOU feel and how YOU take it.

Most people don't see a picture as a threat to their masculinity/feminity

My thoughts were the same but Gollum put it far more eloquently than I could. So, l second every single word of this post.

You have a choice and some control here. You could choose to be happy that your girlfriend had a life before meeting you, she was alive, participating in the world, making choices that eventually brought her into YOUR life, and SHE HAS CHOSEN to be with you. 4 stars, right? You could choose to be happy that she's burning stuff from her past, or if you were burning other stuff, she gave them to you to burn. They are not worth hanging on to, thus the burning. Instead, you are choosing to link a negative story about yourself to these things, choosing to cast a negative spin to them, and thus creating sadness for you. On top of that you add expectations for her to comfort (and reinforce your perceptions).

Or you can choose to defend your unhappiness and hang onto it a bit longer. Keep in mind it may wear her out.

So she gave you stuff to burn and you looked though it and read it? Who does that????

She gave you the letter to burn, she was getting rid of it, and you made the choice to read it yourself, and then got pouty and blamed HER for keeping it, even though you read it because she was GETTING RID OF IT.

Oye, this is making my head hurt. No, you're really off with that one.

Okay, so we have a photo in a shared tab, a discarded letter to be burned, what were the other ones?

I'm asking because I'm trying to determine if there's a pattern of her actively "displaying" the relics around, or if you're actually going out of your way to find things.

She said she could see how it makes YOU feel and how YOU take it.

No, she was generalising. She was saying how they shouldn't really be there in a relationship. She was quite plain with that to my gf.

Why should either of you have to erase your past in order to be in a relationship. That is simply absurd.

People don't go and burn/throw out their old photo albums or old Facebook pictures after a relationship has ended. You can't expect someone to erase their past and pretend it doesn't exist. The onus is on you to not being retroactively jealous.

You are letting your issues poison your current relationship.

Why should either of you have to erase your past in order to be in a relationship. That is simply absurd.

I don't want anyone to "erase" their past. I am happy that she's had a life, but I don't want to be reminded graphically of her past sex life, because, according to the counsellor, it can feel immasculating.

Even my gf has gone on to say that if the same happened to her, she'd be displeased.

Are you sure you want to be with her? Your other posts sound like you are unhappy with her and with the relationship, and maybe this is the phase in which you determine you are not right for each other?

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EDIT to add:

What attracts you to her? What do you like about her, and why are you together?