Why do people want you to get back together when it was bad for you?

She drank at LEAST half a bottle a day, up to 2 bottles some days. She’d make a scene when drunk and it would be completely embarrassing. I’ve had to call cops on her and if I tried to go back to my place she’d block the door, once yelling “Hit me again!” to make her kids think I was beating her. One time she choked me. Her issues with my dad and my dad’s issues with her caused us a lot of fights, and I was becoming miserable. I’ve also had a recent job change which wasn’t the best, either, but the relationship issues didn’t help. I’d warned her over a dozen times for two plus years that I would be through if the BS didn’t quit, and every time she’d act like she was sorry and trying to fix things, but it was the same stuff over and over again.

It’s been a week since I left her and mutual friends (and some family members of mine) say “that’s a shame. Can’t you guys work it out?” It aggravates me - is that the kind of person you want to work things out with? Why do people do this? Do they want to see you miserable? They almost act like you’re full of crap and that things were so awesome.

My aunt, who liked my ex, said “Be careful who you tell the bad things to, if you get back together that will make it more difficult.” And this is coming from a psychologist?!? Don’t you want to recall the bad things so you don’t go back?!?

Why do people say these things?

Did they know you were being abused?

Did they know you were being abused?

A couple of people I've told all of the above to have said "oh, all relationships aren't perfect. I'm sure she'll change for you." It's like they don't even hear me. Or they'd blame my job change and say "you're just depressed from that", when I had bad feelings long before the job change.

Then they are nuts. Good for you for leaving an abusive relationship! I'm sorry something like that happened to you. I would just tell these people straight out no we are never getting back together so stop asking. And I would also tell them she was an abusive person who physically abused me and no I'm not getting back together and no that's not a regular relationship issue. And no she won't change.

Victoria66 is right. She isnt going to change. Your friends and family dont live in the same 4 walls with you so they dont know the whole story so they come out with things like you've heard. You know the truth and you've done the right thing by leaving. It's a shame it took you so long. The woman needs help and unless and until she hits bottom and gets that help nothing is going to change.

Thank you, Victoria and melancholy! I was beginning to think I was going nuts.

You are definitely not going nuts. And good for you for leaving! No one deserves to be treated that way.

I had this problem when I left the ex that I lived with. I actually wrote a thread about it here too. It really bothered me.

Yeah, most people didn't know that he was emotionally abusive to me but I still felt it was really rude even if they didn't know. People think they know what happens in a relationship just because they know both persons in a couple. It's BS. Of course they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Their sentiments may be well-meaning but they are ignorant and shouldn't be given any importance.

If they did know that she was an abusive alcoholic and still told you to stay with her, then they are terrible people and should be ashamed of themselves and you ought to reconsider your friendships.

Right? I agree. I mean maybe they're trying to be supportive and give you hope that things will change but that's damaging.

No abusive alcoholic changes without many many years of therapy and even then that's iffy. And there's no reason for you to remain with an abusive alcoholic on the .0001% chance they might change.

I'm sorry you're going through this...It's painful to just read...

It's absolutely outrageous but people do actually do that!! I grew up with very abusive people and i have probably a lifetime of cptsd treatment ahead of me on account of that. What fills me with disgust is that growing up, whenever i brought it to the attention of people who were supposed to care that i was being abused and in need of help they'd answer with "omg!!! Rainy, your mouth, how can you say that!!! S/he is your ______*blood relation*, don't talk like that about your ___!!!" or "Oh come on now, behave, s/he is a wonderful person!" (the person was holding me down underwater in the tub, choking me and the other was screaming that i'm dead meat and to take me to the graveyard, to bury me...there was blood on the walls daily, guns aimed at people, belts, you name it- not "good people stuff" for sure).

years later i repeated the pattern with an abusive man, broke up, got into treatment, and it made me want to collapse and weep in the middle of the street when people stopped to ask me, with surprise, why I broke up with such a wondeful man.

i warmly recommend you get a counselor or therapist. have your distress addressed by a person who very much recognizes it as real, because this reaction from the people in your environment is the "invalidating" crap that exacerbates the feelings of guilt, distrust, the tendency of the victim to isolate themself, to doubt their worth at a very deep level. And of course you want to learn how to choose balanced, healthy partners and be one. The rules of engagement we learn from abusers can stick with us so perniciously it's scary.

your circle will likely change profoundly after this experience. a lot of people are suddenly revealed as unfit for friendship and it takes time to rebuild your circle of people. maybe a support group would help you in the "transition period".

Keep posting here if it helps.

Remember too that when they might have known you as a couple, they will miss you two as a couple now that you're broken up. My live-in ex and I had a lot of friends that we hung out with as a couple. They felt we were really good together and played off well together. Well, yeah, we did and we had a good history too but that doesn't change the fact that he was still isolating me from my family and telling me that my parents didn't love me.

So sometimes, them saying "won't you two try again" is said out of a selfish but subconscious desire for them to enjoy the two of you again, as a couple.

And other times, it's just because they don't want to see you sad and/or the other person sad, so they want a "quick fix" so everything is back to happy.

I think most of the time, it's well-meaning but ignorant and highly naive, maybe a little selfish. This is why people need to learn to keep their thoughts to themselves and just be compassionate and present.

Ignore people that have no idea about the detail.

Tell them the person was an alcoholic and abusive and there is no way in hell you are even thinking about returning....and ask them politely to drop it.

The people who usually say that are not emotionally healthy to begin with and either a) are projecting their own "I am trying to stay and make a bad relationship work, and if others do that too I won't feel so alone or wrong" or b) they have no relationship and have a wrong idea that any relationship is better than no relationship, even a bad one.

A few will also just be kind of malicious about it and want the worst for you anyways, so of course they're going to recommend you play in traffic or stay in an abusive relationship.

And while it's true no relationship IS perfect 100 percent year-round forever and ever the fact is there is a vast canyon of difference between "not perfect" as in, "Okay, so sometimes I forget to take out the garbage" or "I wish he'd learn to not leave his underwear lying around the bedroom" AND "I wish he/she wouldn't call me names" or (way worse(" "I hope to God I can keep her/him from getting so angry they hurt me again." Ditto, "Please don't let me find them cheating again" or "He/she just got fired again for being drunk/high on the job."

Big, huge, giant differences there. And you cannot "work things out" with an abuser. Everyone has tried that over and over again only to either end up having to get therapy themselves to repair the damage done to their self-esteem and self-respect and sense of safety and worth OR they've left the relationship with serious injuries or in a body bag.

It's on the abuser, in this case your ex, to fix themselves. And as long as you are around enabling her she never will. My dad was an alcoholic, not openly abusive no, but he and my mother had quite a running match of one-upmanship on each other. It damaged everyone in the family. And sure he did finally get sober some 40 years into his life, and then it took him another 3 years of solid therapy, amends, total lifestyle makeover including new jobs, new state, new friends AND the entire family basically getting into a few knock down/drag out rows in the therapists' offices to get us all through it.

I do not recommend it for anyone. You are better off simply leaving. She will only change if and when she ever hits such rock bottom that it's either change or die. If she doesn't die first, which is frankly much more likely to happen. You could also win the lottery or be struck by lightning but I'm betting you don't go around living your life centered around the possibility of these two things happening. That wouldn't be healthy and neither is staying with someone abusive. (P.S. I worked in a Women's Shelter for 16 years as well. In all that time I only saw one abuser change and it was after he was nearly killed and had lost everything and was sleeping under a bridge. That's it in 16 years, so don't hold your breath.)

Ignore people's projections. They didn't have to live with her, you did.

"They didn't have to live with her, you did."

Makes so much sense. I'm almost afraid to talk to our mutual friends at the martial arts school we first met at - I was invited to their Halloween party and so was she, but I think I'll pass. She's been there much longer than me and I get the feeling a lot of the people there would side with her, not to mention she'll be there so I definitely need to steer clear. It sucks to have to cut ties with a dozen or so people.

My neighbor stopped me as I got home from work and asked what happened, since I was actually at my place more than 2 nights in a row. She said we seemed perfect together, but I told her that's what she saw, and yes when things were good we WERE good together. But behind closed doors there was a lot of hurt and tension. She understood, thank God.

Makes so much sense. I'm almost afraid to talk to our mutual friends at the martial arts school we first met at - I was invited to their Halloween party and so was she, but I think I'll pass. She's been there much longer than me and I get the feeling a lot of the people there would side with her, not to mention she'll be there so I definitely need to steer clear. It sucks to have to cut ties with a dozen or so people.

See, here's the other thing. Many abusive individuals are very charming in public in a very superficial way. At the martial arts school sure everyone knows her, she can put her best face forward there, because no one there has to live with her behind closed doors. Your neighbor gets it and honestly the majority of the people who have had any sort of experience with an abuser will.

People can be extremely superficial and a bit shallow when it comes to things they themselves have not experienced or maybe have, but choose the old head in the sand over just accepting what they saw.

It doesn't matter, you're free to heal and move on and do better by you. That's what's really important.

I remember not long ago when the two of us went to a BBQ held by a couple of the students. My ex got drunk (after I cut her off, after SHE told ME to cut her off but she drank anyway), and the person who threw the party said "Leave her alone, she's happy". She was EMBARRASSING. The host's kid asked me "Is she drunk again?"...a ten year old. Asking me this. I almost got drunk just to accept her behavior that night.

But you're right, I'm free. I hate to lose friends over it but I'm free.

You are free and can gain much better friends than hers. And absolutely as Paris said most

most abusive adults are extremely charming. My brother just left a 20 year marriage for the most part which was emotionally ,mentally and towards the end physically abusive . And the friends he lost were friends they had in common which were mostly hers and believe me it was no loss. He has retained his good friends that were his since high school anyway. All he lost was a toolbox full of tools. Her friends were all drunk tools anyway.

You are free and can gain much better friends than hers. And absolutely as Paris said most

most abusive adults are extremely charming. My brother just left a 20 year marriage for the most part which was emotionally ,mentally and towards the end physically abusive . And the friends he lost were friends they had in common which were mostly hers and believe me it was no loss. He has retained his good friends that were his since high school anyway. All he lost was a toolbox full of tools. Her friends were all drunk tools anyway.

You're right, Victoria. I believe 2 years ago you were one of the people who told me to steer clear of this. I should have listened. True friends will understand.

Yes, true friends will support you.

My aunt, who liked my ex, said “Be careful who you tell the bad things to, if you get back together that will make it more difficult.” And this is coming from a psychologist?!? Don’t you want to recall the bad things so you don’t go back?!?

It's good that you got out of the abusive relationship. I would not lump the other people's comments with your aunt's comments here. She's making a valuable point. No matter what, you DO need to be careful who you tell anything about your relationship. And if you do get back together, she does have a valid point. We've seen people struggle to get back with an ex because of the negative things the other ex said after the relationship ended.

So, I think you should be very mindful about what you share with whom - not just in case you get back together but in general.

Well, mutual friends of ours, I don't say anything to when they ask. I tell them "it didn't work out", because I don't want to drag her name through the mud. People close to me, I don't mind telling, because it helps keep me from getting back into such a relationship.

Notice how the 10-year-old nailed it while the adult blew by her public drunkenness with an "she's happy"? Kids see that crap long before the adults do. Trust me.

Your aunt is basing her comments off the fact that way too many times people break up, don't quite move past that codependency phase, and they then badmouth the ext like mad. Only to later take them back. AND now you have not only a toxic relationship resumed, but people who are upset with you for taking back the ex you have badmouthed.

It makes for far more messy situations and I've seen more than one post on here about, "My ex cheated on me/was toxic, we broke up, I told everyone what he/she did. We're together again now and none of my friends and family will give my former ex a chance, they now hate him/her. What can I do to fix that?"

This does not mean you're going to do that, it doesn't mean your aunt even thinks you will get back with the ex. She is simply giving you a heads up to avoid what can become a very awkward situation for the future. That's all. I like how you're handing it though, acquaintances get told it just didn't work out and those very closest to you know more of the truth.

The 10 year old was a close friend of mine, I was his mentor. He's one of the relationships I've had to give up, due to his parents' relationship with my ex. I keep telling myself the kid needs more friends his age, anyway. It stings, quite a bit.

EDIT: BTW Ms. Darcy, you were also a voice of reason for me. If not in this relationship, then the last. Thank you (and annie24), so very much.