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I pretty sure my husband is bi/gay ..


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I have been with my husband for 16 years (married 7) and for some time now I have had the idea that he might be bisexual. My suspicions started years ago when I would find transsexual and gay (man on man) porn sites on his laptop. I brought it up then and received the response "that wasn't me" or the classic "I clicked on it by accident" ..which I knew better but brushed it off. I have also found suggestive pictures and video that he had been texting to someone, I took it upon myself to investigate, later finding out it was a man and they had been talking behind my back for awhile. He denied the whole thing promising me that his intentions are pure and he only loved and wanted me. Years go by and now I have come accross and email address we share that had recent posts from him and other men. The posts and messages are very sexual with private pictures attached of my husband wearing my underwear. I have tried countless times to have a conversation about this with him. He denies having anything to do with it and even goes as far to blame someone for hacking into his account. I love my husband but I'm at a complete loss on where to go from here. I know he has lied me be countless times and mind you, if He would open up to me and talk about things then I'm sure we could work it out. I don't want to leave him but I can't live in this world of lies and secrets. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

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I am married and bisexual. And I will say this for the record because I truly loathe this unintentional misconception about bisexual individuals:

 

Him intending to cheat on you most likely has nothing to do with his sexuality. And Straight married partners can cheat on their spouses for multiple reasons, and it's not always for sexual reasons. He is not handling his needs appropriately while in a marriage with you. Period.

 

I strongly suggest you both seek a marriage counselor to sort out his problem and see if this marriage is even salvageable. You tell him he either goes to counseling with you or the divorce paperwork will begin.

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I think that before you consider couple's counseling you need to figure out what you are trying to accomplish, and what it is exactly that you want. Seems to me that the both of you want the marriage to continue, and it seems to be working on many levels, and for many years.

 

You also seem to have accepted his bisexuality, and that you want to play a greater role in that part of his sexuality. That is where I see where the conflict is. For whatever reason, and it is not clear why, he seems to want to explore that part of his sexuality by himself. There are two main possibilities.

 

The one is what we usually think of, and that he is worried about your reaction and how you feel about him being bisexual and possibly gay. This would be one area where you can have some influence.

 

The other one is more complicated, and is an area where you have less influence because it has more to do with him, and that is that he doesn't want you to see him as bisexual regardless about how you might feel about it. You can be as open-minded about it as can be, and it will really not do you much good. This is the more likely possibility.

 

So we kind of know what your husband wants, and that the marriage is working for him, doing what he is doing. We just need to figure out how to make the marriage work for you, and it seems for you that means a greater involvement into that part of his sexuality. Your post reads to me that you are feeling left out.

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