Older woman with younger man

hi,

Im new here and need advice. I met a 31 year old man and it clicked from the start we have the same passion for life. im 46 by the way. We spent quit some time together and every time is great. He wants the same things as me. He wants to get married and have a child. The problem is that for some reason i keep cancelling our rendez vous because i get scared. But he keeps sticking Around and shows great patience for me. I question myself why does he want to be with me? He wants a child and marriage with me but some how i feel scared cause i already have a girl 23 and a son 22 can i start All over again ? And honestly i thi k of the fact that i cant quit my job to stay at home with the child cause i have car pAyments to make and money i owe the gouvernment a d i cant put that responsability on him it wouldnt be fair, so i keep telling myself i need toet him go even if My heart wants but my head says dont. I keep thinking

ThAt what if it doesnt work out And i end up with a young child etc.....

Can i get your advice

How long have you been together?

We ve been together a few months

And you are talking marriage and babies? Are you OK?

When there is a strong connexion between two people u can feel it if hes the one i was with a guy for 3 years and thought i was going to live with him for the rest of mu life and found out he cheated so there is no suchthing as too fast or too slow its about how both feel for each other

I call infatuation/honeymoon/rose-colored glasses etc.

Wait and see if you make it a year, then perhaps mull it over. I realize your mama clock is ticking away, but do you really want to raise another child when you have been there done that?

You couldn't be more wrong. A few months in, you are still in the infatuation stage.

You do realize that the first few months are the 'honeymoon phase'. And I am sure things will change in another 6 months.

Why don't you two give it another year and see how the relationship is then?

Are you seriously considering having a child for a 31 yr old? Why?

"The problem is that for some reason i keep cancelling our rendez vous because i get scared. But he keeps sticking Around and shows great patience for me. I question myself why does he want to be with me? He wants a child and marriage with me but some how i feel scared cause i already have a girl 23 and a son 22 can i start All over again ? And honestly i thi k of the fact that i cant quit my job to stay at home with the child cause i have car pAyments to make and money i owe the gouvernment a d i cant put that responsability on him it wouldnt be fair, so i keep telling myself i need toet him go"

- I dont think you should do this. ( as you have already admitted it yourself..)

When there is a strong connexion between two people u can feel it if hes the one i was with a guy for 3 years and thought i was going to live with him for the rest of mu life and found out he cheated so there is no suchthing as too fast or too slow its about how both feel for each other

I think the questions you need to ask yourself is around life phases. You need to ask yourself do you want to have more children? If so have you checked with the doctor to see if you can even have children?

I'm not against age gap relationships as long as the life stages match up. Love is great but compatibility is just as important and adds longevity to the relationship. It sounds like your life phases are not the same. Until you can honestly answer these questions without doubt, then I would suggest that you slow your roll with this relationship until you do.

You don't want to get too deep into it to the point that both of you are heart broken. Look within and be honest with what you really want.

And honestly i thi k of the fact that i cant quit my job to stay at home with the child cause i have car pAyments to make and money i owe the gouvernment a d i cant put that responsability on him it wouldnt be fair, so i keep telling myself i need toet him go even if My heart wants but my head says dont.

Let's be honest here. You COULD get pregnant. But the liklihood of you being able to create multiple babies with him is low due to your age. While a man can be content to have a child at 46, it is a different consideration for a woman who is 46.

If he really wants kids, you have an obligation if he doesn't know the facts about pregnancy to be upfront whether you see yourself marrying again (assuming you were married to the father of your children), and be upfront with the truth that while it is possible for a 46 year old woman (and you would be older if you married) to have maybe ONE child if that, you aren't going to create a love nest together and have a bunch of babies. It may be a nice romance - but no matter the connection - it is not an honest thing for long term if he wants babies and marriage and where you can't have more kids - or don't know if its possible. If you were a 31 year old woman who had a hysterectomy or cysts, you would still have the want to adopt an infant or young child or multiple. Don't do things that you don't want just to keep a guy.

If he knows upfront that babies probably aren't in the picture, he can make his choice

hi,

 

 

 

Can i get your advice

I would wait a bit longer for such a huge commitment. I think the age difference is irrelevant.

I would wait a bit longer for such a huge commitment. I think the age difference is irrelevant.

It is because of the babies issue. If he wants a bunch of kids, he is not going to want to be stepdad to two kids not even 10 years younger than him. He wants to be a father and that is a reasonable wish for a 31 year old. He needs to get his love goggles off and figure out if that is acceptable to him. Its time for her to stop cancelling on him and just have a real conversation about this. While its not time for a big commitment, this is the getting to know you phase - where you weed someone out, or decide to stick with them.

I say go for it! Take a leap of faith!

I would like to say that at my age i know how things work im not in the honeymoon stage or infatuation stagei know the difference.. Its about connecting compatability and coomunication and i talked to him about the real facts that since im 46 i would probably be able to have one child with him and even said that it might not work and he sais it disnt matter we can adopt. I want to make it clear that i would never make a child to keep a man. And it has nothing to do woth my clock ticking its about the pros and cons of starting a second family. And to the person who said he doesnt need to be a father to my grown kids well they dont need a father they just need to respect who ever im with and the same for the man in my life he needs to respect my kids and accept them in his life.

Thks. Any new realatinship is scary after u ve been divorced because second time around we think of everything where as the first time u only see the good stuff

Hi thks people are quick to judge. But the only difference with 2 people the same age is that time is against us whenthere is question about having a child. But one thing is clear i told him i would not have a child if we were not married and he seems to be happy with that. What do u think?

You came here looking for advice. You got it.

No one is coming down hard on you, you asked and I think a lot of the respondents are trying to make a case either way, the same way you are logically breaking it down yourself. It's just semantics.

The reality is, it is way too soon, with only being in this relationship for a "few months" to be thinking of marriage and babies, even for a twenty something couple. It may not be infatuation or honeymoon stage for you, but it might be for him.

Say you did get married, but then found that you cannot have a child? I think you need to look at all possible outcomes.

I wish you luck though!

Only been dating a few months - hardly enough time to really get to know someone. This is still in the lust/infatuation stage and way way too soon to be talking marriage and babies (imo). You're 46 now. Get to know him WELL, take another year of dating at least - you'll be 47. Maybe an engagement of a year (IF you are even still together), takes you to 48. Then marriage 48-49, way too late to have babies - at least, the vast majority of doctors around the world would strongly advise against any women having babies at that age due to the high risk factors.

In a nutshell - it's way too soon to be talking marriage/babies. Take time to get to really know the guy. Get past the infatuation stage at least - at least a full year of dating.

I think you're desperate and in denial. A new baby at your age to try and keep some younger guy around is insane.

Bringing a child to the world is a huge decision. At our age (I'm just a year older than you), it's even more difficult to make such a decision. Especially when it's not something you yourself want but something you want to do just for the sake of this guy....a guy you've only been dating for a few months.

It doesn't matter that he's younger, I'd tell you the same thing if he was older.

Say that you do have a baby and then he leaves you. Are you capable/willing/financially secure enough to raise a child on your own?

I would talk to you doctor about being able to have kids at this point. At 46, you start to have real challenges to being able to conceive. You would need to get this started now, as waiting only makes the possibility harder. Which may be way to fast for you.

Let me make something clear to all the people who assume im goimg to have a baby un irder to keep a guy! Really is that the only comment u have? . There is no way i would do such a thing. Im trying to way the pros and cons . It s about two people who want to be together , im trying to see if there is a possibility for a long term for a younger guy with an older women .

Like in any relationship and with or without an age difference no one knows the future. Im thinking more about my boyfriend i dint want him to miss out on anything. As i mentioned in my first comment i cancelled many times when we were to meet and yet he still tells me he wants me and misses me.thats a true proof that hes not in to me just for fun. He can have fun and find any girl he wants. If a guy would of cancelled without any explaination on me i wouldnt want to see him ever again . So for me thats a good sign.

Thank you. Thats the only problem with our relationship its the timing of things thats a little sooner due to the age difference. Its what feels right in our hearts the rest is secondary. And to someone who said if i cant have kids will he leave me , the answer is no we talked about it and he said we can adopt. That says a lot no?

Does a second family appeal to you? Can you envision yourself doing middle of the night feedings, changing diapers, and running after a toddler again?

If the answer is "yes", then think about the logistics. Are you willing to go through infertility treatments? What about the sometimes long, tedious, EXPENSIVE adoption process? If you have to work to financially support yourself and your new family, can your new husband stay home to take care of the baby? Lots of families do that now and it works well. If not, can you afford day care?

These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before you take the big step to marry this man. May-December relationships can work if you have common values and goals.

Hi thank you for writing. I m going to see my bf today and talk about everything. I asked him briefly the other day if he was willing to support me and the baby. Because i will be a stay at home mom because i refuse to send my child to day care and he said yest of course its normal , i even asked him if he is ready to ha dle a pregnant woman who gets fat and has mood swing and all that. And if he will still love then. He said yes. He saus he is ready to settle down.. So today is thebig day as we will talk about the good and the bad side of having a child. I often think also if some day it diesnt work between us do i really want to have a child to take care of? I will be raising a child on one si gle incom and all the sick days etc a child goes thru it would be very hard for me to miss a day at work specially since i dont have any insurance or sick days at work, im a hairdresser.