HELP! I think he may break up with me...

All the signs are there.

He's stressed from school. He feels like his success in school and in our relationship are mutually exclusive because he feels like I want more attention than he can give.

I never asked for more attention, just quality time instead of quantity time.

Basically, he's thinking about it, and I'm left waiting here not knowing how to act anymore. Be loving and act like nothing's wrong to remind him of how great we are together (which he can admit we are), or be somewhat distant to remind him of what it would be like without me?

I don't know... all I know is that I love him dearly, and I know he loves me.

He couldn't make eye contact with me today without looking like he just might cry. He gave me a kiss today before he left, and said that when he returned he'd "probably" have an answer for me.

But when he returns, I'll have one hour before I have to leave.

What do I do in that hour? How do I behave? I don't want to pressure him, but this is tearing me apart.

I fear this may be it. I think it really might be and I'm scared and hurt and feel so alone.

Can anybody help me? What do I do?

I am sorry.

Reading what you just wrote gave me anxiety.

What to do during that hour? I would listen to what his decision is, respect it and leave.

What other options do you have?

Leaving with some dignity serves a lot of purposes. It maintains your self respect. He will respect you for it.

And without the supposed drama that might otherwise ensue, he may have second thoughts after the fact.

Good luck. . Hang in there and let us know what happens.

Accept it with as much grace as possible. His school/grades should be his focus at this point in his life.

If he doesn't give me an answer... what do I do?

He's been so quiet, saying he needs time to think, time to decide. Is it graceful for me to remain quiet?

Should I let him come to me now with his answer? Would it be good/bad to initiate the conversation?

Accept it with as much grace as possible. His school/grades should be his focus at this point in his life.

I agree. His school should be his focus... he's been willing to be with me so far, and I'm willing to readjust my needs for time if that is the case... I just don't think he understands that or... even worse, is even still on board.

I guess my main feeling is regret. Regret over that last argument... although the argument isn't the real issue here. I see that now.

I hate to say it because I don't want it to be true... but I feel like he might've already made up his mind... he just still cares for me and doesn't want to see me hurt, so he might be trying to figure out how to let me down easy... I really don't want that to be the case.

I want so badly for him to come to me, hold me and say "stay"

But that really isn't realistic. These issues have been going on for quite a while.

How do you define the quality time you're looking for? What kind of time were you getting before?

How does he feel that you've been getting in the way of his studies? How much time are you asking to spend with him?

How do you define the quality time you're looking for? What kind of time were you getting before?

I defined it by example. For instance, most every night we go out on a walk. We used to talk about all sorts of things, connect and bond... but lately he's just been on his phone playing this one game. I brought it up initially, sweetly and he was engaged in the conversation and was understanding when I said that it was our time to hang out (only time during the day when he's not studying) and that spending the rest of that time playing that game was leaving me wanting in the "our time" department.

It happened again when yesterday he said we'd spend some time together that night, but instead he played that game for nearly 2 hours.

That's when the altercation happened that led to all this...

He feels like I'm not being understanding of his studies - despite the 12-16 hours a day I don't bother him, I'm going for a run, I'm doing my own thing and not once have I ever taken him from his study time. He said he wants me to be more understanding, that it's my fault for not being understanding when he decided to 'change his mind' about spending time with me despite not keeping me in the loop.

Like I said in another post, it feels a lot like being stood up "/

The time I was getting before was he was excited about going out with me, excited to go diving (like we do together) and I remember one time on the couch he just looked into my eyes and said how beautiful I was.

The romance started falling off when his school year started up again. I did my best to be understanding, but I guess I failed.

How does he feel that you've been getting in the way of his studies? How much time are you asking to spend with him?

He feels like I'm asking for an unreasonable amount of time, and I don't fully understand where that comes from because I've been clear about just the quality time.

He says he needs time to study, and time to relax. It took me a second to realize that by 'relax' he meant not conversing with me or anything, just zoning out. Again, I did my best to be understanding of this... the only time I felt snubbed was when he said he would do one thing (have 'us' time) and then went ahead and ignored it.

A friend told me that it sounds like he's already made up his mind...

Unfortunately, I just picked him up and he's been distant. He hasn't said anything... I've been neutral, not overly happy (of course) and not all whimpering and sad. I have 40 minutes before I have to leave... and I'm getting the feeling that he's not going to want to talk about this and instead, he'll just bury himself in his studies.

I feel like while I have a right to know what's going on, the last thing I want to do is pressure him. I don't want to look back and think, darn if only I hadn't been pushy... so I'm giving him his space.

Do I say something before I leave? If so, what do I say?

I have an idea of how to react if he does call it off... I'll give him a hug, smile and thank him for the time we shared. (I'm conflicted about whether or not to tell him I still want us to work... I do of course, but I don't know if that's a right thing to say or not)

But in the meantime, I don't know how to react if he continues being distant... Help?

Are you living together, and you are leaving for work. Or are you going home to your place?

But that really isn't realistic. These issues have been going on for quite a while.

They've been going on for the past, 3 weeks I'd say - roughly around the time school started up for him again.

It's funny... before his school started, I remember we had this conversation about how it would be like. I said I would be understanding of his need to study, I mean of course, since I'm in the same major, just not taking classes right now.

I know what I need to do to make this work, I know I can do what he requires but I don't think he believes that because of my crying last night when he was being distant and unresponsive. I think he's thinking that's how I always feel, but it isn't. I've only felt that way the past few weeks when he's been less interested in investing time into this relationship.

What do you propose I do right now?

Are you living together, and you are leaving for work. Or are you going home to your place?

We basically live together. I have a few things at my dad's house (he keeps a room open for me) because I'm there often during the week as well for my daughter. I'm going to pick my daughter up from child care and spend the evening with her til I put her to bed, and then come back here (his place), if anything to have to gather all my things and move out - if that's the case.

I meant the communication issues...you have other threads on that, and this come down to communication as well.

I think you should take back your control. If he isn't meeting your needs, the school year has just begun. Can you realistically deal with it until spring?

Did the dynamic change when you guys moved in together? Because that is usually when the bloom drops off the rose.

I know what I need to do to make this work, I know I can do what he requires but I don't think he believes that because of my crying last night when he was being distant and unresponsive. I think he's thinking that's how I always feel, but it isn't. I've only felt that way the past few weeks when he's been less interested in investing time into this relationship.

What it is you think you need to do to make it work?

I meant the communication issues...you have other threads on that, and this come down to communication as well.

 

I think you should take back your control. If he isn't meeting your needs, the school year has just begun. Can you realistically deal with it until spring?

Ah, I see what you mean.

I couldn't deal with my needs being unmet, no. All I ask for is communication. If he can't spend time on such and such days, then that's fine. I just hate feeling like a bump on a log waiting for time he says is for "us"...

I'm conflicted.

Should I try and talk to him before I leave? What should I say, if so?

Look, even if you could adjust your needs for time (and I don't know that realistically you can do that) he may, BOTH: need that relaxation time without talking to anyone to de-stress from his day, and ALSO need the quality time with you in order to maintain the relationship. These two needs, even isolated from how you feel about things, are in direct opposition for him. This is why he chose to still try to have time with you while playing the game to relax. It was an attempt to compromise those two needs, and one that clearly wasn't working. I don't know that there's anything you can do to make this better

What it is you think you need to do to make it work?

I think I need to readjust my expectations and my attitude. I admit, I've been edgy lately. Not that I've been attacking him, but I have been quicker to sadness when he disappoints me with time together - which I told him I would be able to be more understanding with if there were more of a clear "okay this Saturday we'll etc etc"...

I don't know... I mean, I get that he studies a lot and needs time to decompress. It would go a long way if he could just be kind and gentle when he goes back on his word to spend time. Instead, he gets annoyed, exasperated when he sees he's disappointed me. I don't even have to say anything, he'll see it in my face and know he went back on his word for time together and feel like I'm too demanding.

This time around, I really just wanted an apology... but he REFUSED to at least apologize for not telling me he would rather zone out. I told him it would've gone a long way had he just been like "hey baby, I'm still actually really tired, I just wanna zone out."

All I'm asking for on my end is a little communication... that's what I know can enable me to be more calm and understanding.

Did the dynamic change when you guys moved in together? Because that is usually when the bloom drops off the rose.

No, he was always so romantic and thoughtful, kind and gentle with me. It's only really when his school year started a few weeks ago that he's been this way towards me.

I would not try to talk to him before you leave. Tell him you love him and go to work. Do not pressure him. I know it is hard, but the more you push the more you push him away.

Look, even if you could adjust your needs for time (and I don't know that realistically you can do that) he may, BOTH: need that relaxation time without talking to anyone to de-stress from his day, and ALSO need the quality time with you in order to maintain the relationship. These two needs, even isolated from how you feel about things, are in direct opposition for him. This is why he chose to still try to have time with you while playing the game to relax. It was an attempt to compromise those two needs, and one that clearly wasn't working. I don't know that there's anything you can do to make this better

 

 

So when push comes to shove... I get the boot

 

Not saying that sarcastically either, I mean it makes sense. That seems to be the main concern for him. He's trying to figure out if he can do both. I'm trying to say we can, but he's not convinced.

 

So do you think I shouldn't say anything when I leave in 15 minutes?

When he plays his game....does he text with friends meanwhile too or just play his game?

No I would let him be for now, give him a kiss goodbye tell him how much you love him, smile and leave.

When he plays his game....does he text with friends meanwhile too or just play his game?

Just plays his game. I mean, I'm not intently watching so I don't know, but he's pretty into this game.

He doesn't talk to many friends, doesn't actually open up to them really either. I wonder if he did, if they would help him...