leave all vengeance.

Well guys,

I am sure i am wrong. but somehow i feel justified.

A year ago my boyfriend of 8 months prior- cheated on me with my best friend. He left me for her.

I was very much in love with him so that was very hard for me but I have this thing where I seek him out still in order to ease my pain. a couple months later I began to see him again. I was lost and was attached to him , physically and emotionally. We live in the Middle East and being new here he was all I really had (my first relationship to be exact as I've always been precise and conscientious about who I give myself to- as i am well aware and strong believer of "Soul Ties". with that said, here's the story)

Basically, i was still seeing him when he was with my ex friend i convinced myself that I was fine- and she saved me from him anyway. Lies. Ultimately I still loved him and its not that i settled I still wanted him in my own way and later I knew I was only doing it to some day get back at my friend. Childish, ridiculous- i am sure. A few months of this past. We argued a lot about the past and would stop talking for no more than a couple weeks at a time. After a big argument with him, in my hurt I ended up revealing to my ex friend the truths, i felt relieved and i was sure this was a way to get him to hate me or leave me alone. Since for some reason he keeps coming back to me and I take him back. By the time i revealed it to her they were already broken up but of course it was still damaging- i felt great. Not a month past and he was back in my corner- & we continued on our escapades.

Unbeknownst to me that only strengthened my attachment to him and I felt trapped. Still do. I told myself this only means he really cannot let me go and although our situation and past is filled with betrayal sadness and hate we still find a way back. well, he comes back and i accept. Along the way i lost my sense of right and wrong when it comes to him ONLY. With that said, I'm unable to really move on- i find myself seeking him out anyway when im sad or lonely and i know he will be right there. We only attempted a second try at a relationship in April- it didn't work and we continued on as is. The reason being, I noticed it was like an on and off switch for him. One moment he wants to be with me and the next moment after we've slept together he doesn't. Clear cut. & I knew this, but after the second try didn't work i kept on.

Lately he has his newest girlfriend since the ex friend. Apparently he loves her and wants to do the right thing. I had a party in July and he came aftter he dropped this new gf home, while there we had sex per usual. Once again, I tell myself- he is mine anyway. completely bizarre, i know. within the past couple months we've argued a lot and havent seen each other much but still through the weeks of each month at some point he ends up contacting me to check on me. It has been making very uneasy- finally. I tell him well if you have a gf why wont you just let me go- leave me alone. Im fed up and I'm ready to release all of this back and forth. I'm the only one that gets hurt. obviously. Anyway presently, I'm still very much attached to him and I still do care about him very much. often times i reminisce on all the pain he's caused me and conclude that it is just not fair for him to be so happy when I am completely ruined- my own fault i know. But ultimately all of this back and forth only stems from me still being in love with him and since after almost 2 years we never truly went our separate ways.well he would- i wouldn't.

Yesterday he came to visit me and revealed he is very happy with his new girl and although he asked to for us to sleep together just a couple days ago he no longer wants this back and forth. Fine by me, i completely agree. but i must confess that it makes me upset. i Suppose i am telling myself, how dare you not want me- and also is it finally happening? is it really over? I feel like its not fair for him to come and go as he pleases any longer and no fault of his that I have been unable to move on. When he rejects me in anyway for his girlfriend i begin to feel infuriated- as if he owes me something. I want it to end but i also want him to pay.

Finally, for why i am here seeking guidance. I am currently fed up at his speech about wanting to change his way and move on from me. once again i feel rejected. He literally comes and goes as he pleases, and i accept him i know but at this point I've had it. Currently i have a plot to seek out his new GF and reveal to her who he really is and what hes done/ has been doing. Before the first betrayal with my ex friend i was never this conniving or vindictive person but hey maybe I've gotten the hang of it. I want him to suffer, if i can't be happy he has no right to be either and this is just how i feel. As happy and content as he is as he walks all over me continuously as i was only driven by love and care for him, I want him to feel how i've always felt.

I suppose i shouldn't. I am well aware that the entire situation is completely preposterous and it may reflect directly on my character and my self love or lack there of. but like i've said its only with this guy that i go completely crazy. This all goes deeper but there is no time for that right now. Here is a summary.

I want to ruin him. just once more.

what say you?

hg

Do you really want to be the crazy ex girlfriend? I understand being angry and upset. You need to let that go, as best as you. It only hurts you.

Do you really want to be the crazy ex girlfriend? I understand being angry and upset. You need to let that go, as best as you. It only hurts you.

You are right, that is all it is. & I don't want to be that person, it's not really me. I'm trying to release all vengeance. thank you for your reply

OP, you have some deep issues. I would suggest you get as far away from this BOY (not a man) and take time to heal and fix YOURSELF.

What kind of a person

a) goes back to ex that cheated

b) gets with someone that is involved in a relationship

c) has expectations of winning that CRAPPY person back.

Get as far away from this guy as possible and begin the healing process!!! It will take MONTHS to be ready for next person that will treat you right.

Focus on yourself, cause you are broken!

You are right, that is all it is. & I don't want to be that person, it's not really me. I'm trying to release all vengeance. thank you for your reply

I'm afraid you already ARE that person.

So cut it out and stop it!

sighs, thank you for your perspective. i needed it. I am that person already huh.

this indeed will take me a long time to heal from. i'm ruining myself. thanks -

sighs, thank you for your perspective. i needed it. I am that person already huh.

 

this indeed will take me a long time to heal from. i'm ruining myself. thanks -

Don't be too rough on yourself.

ANY break up takes time to heal (around 3-6 months). Just keep the thoughts of him away from your brain when they come up. Deflect them/punt them and don't let them flourish or stick around. Learn to divert your mind.

Absolutely no contact. ANY contact = reset your healing time. So block him, ignore him and tell him to never contact you again. It's done.

Meanwhile, focus on yourself and try to become the best person you can be. So in 6 months, you can attract the kind of person that YOU WILL BE. Cause frankly, that's exactly what happens. We attract who we are.

Other tip for healing/recovering. Healthy diet and daily physical activity. These are important. Go out and walk/run/hike etc. Get the blood pumping!!!

Good luck

Think of all this as a great new beginning, not a great ending.

I think I will give this a try, starting with releasing all thoughts of retaliation.

I've began actually freeing my thoughts and starting anew.

your words are uplifting. I appreciate you.

Anytime, good luck!

Please don't be vengeful....this feeling is not good for you. You deserve better than that guy who just comes and goes as he pleases. Be a strong woman and do not take him back any more. No more meetings, no more sex and no more communication. Have no contact with him. Be strong. Don't get caught up in any games with his new gf. Let it go. Take care of yourself and make yourself happy by doing things you like. If you concentrate on yourself you will be happy and find the very person who treats you right and loves you the way you deserve.

Along the way i lost my sense of right and wrong when it comes to him ONLY. With that said, I'm unable to really move on- i find myself seeking him out anyway when im sad or lonely and i know he will be right there.

Of course "he'll be right there" physically, yet he checked out long ago, emotionally. Having said that, he'll continue to stick around for the fringe benefits until you decide to set your standards at a higher level.

You can do better than this...

youre most right. ive began my journey. i really have. now i see how vital it is that i take my self away and stop this foolery. ill revisit all your words if ever feel discouraged. thank you

with love,

h

thanks i can, youre definitely right. i appreciate your input.