Advice on trying to get back together

If you're going to leave advice saying that I shouldn't try to get back together with him, then please don't leave anything. I have more than enough reason why I think we could still work.

I've been with my boyfriend, or ex I guess, for 2 years. We've had many ups and downs as any relationship and we've had a lot of things happen that challenged our relationship, but we worked through it together. I'm in college and I'll be graduating in December. I'm looking at jobs back home because I want to stay close to home and that's where my boyfriend lives.

About a month ago, he told me he wanted to take a break from our relationship because he didn't know if he was 100% committed, so we did. Since then, we've still seen each other, he's come and visited me in college and I've gone and seen him. Every time we talk or we're together, it's like nothing has changed and I thought we were making some kind of improvement. I've been scared to ask him where he stands with everything because I was terrified of what his answer would be but I worked myself up to ask him on Sunday because I thought everything was going fine. He told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I tried getting him to tell me why but I honestly don't think he has a good enough reason. He wouldn't tell me, but he kept saying he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I asked him if he didn't want a relationship, then why was he still doing what he was doing and leading me on to believe we were okay. When we would be together during our "break", we held hands, cuddled, slept over each others houses, kissed and other stuff... exactly what we always did. We just didn't discuss the relationship or anything. According to him, at the time he didn't know what he wanted but now he knew, but that last time I saw him and I thought everything was fine was like a week ago and I don't know what's changed or what happened and he won't tell me.

He also told me he doesn't think that we'll be getting back together and that this was the end. Of course, that broke my heart and I've been pretty down since then. His mom has talked to me since the whole break thing started and she, as well as many others, have told me that we were meant to be. He hasn't been as happy with anyone as he was with me. And I believe that too. She and others think that he's making a mistake in giving up the relationship and that he's just going to end up ruining everything we've had.

I just want advice on what to talk to him about in order to make him realize this too. If it's not only me who saw that we were really supposed to be together then I think we could make it work. I've asked him to give it another chance, but he refuses. Any advice on how to convince him to give our relationship one more try would be great.

Like I said at the beginning, if you're just going to tell me that I shouldn't try then don't leave a comment. I'm trying to think positive for our relationship and that's not going to help me.

Thank you.

He told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore

Not a lot of wiggle room there.

but I honestly don't think he has a good enough reason. He

He doesn't need to have a good enough reason for YOU, he simply needs a good enough reason for him.

I think that if you respect him, you should listen to him. Has anyone ever convinced you to do something you didn't want to do?

Sorry, I need to be honest here. I've wasted time sitting waiting for the phone that didn't ring, the wife or girlfriend who would say they've made a terrible mistake and should never have split. Yes, I know that awful feeling when you were supposed to be with someone for the rest of your life and they dump you. It is the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

There is a chance, a very small one, that he'll be back. Even if he does, there's no guarantee that there won't be another break, another split ...

I know how hard it is but you must accept it's over. Trust me, I designed the T-shirt.

We don't have to tell you anything. He wants the benefits of a relationship with the commitment. Now, he can date you and others.

HE TOLD YOU THAT HE DOESNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP! Time to listen.

Do better for yourself.

it doesn't matter what you or anyone else think about his decison. luckily it is him who dates his girlfriends, it isn't other people with opinions, so he gets to decide. and he did.

since you've made it clear from the beginning you don't want it pointed out that your desires are not necessarily also your rights, i'll merely say that:

when we find ourself adamant at forcing something, it yields better results to focus on why that might be, than actually forcing things- let alone people- to bend our way.

of course, i agree with those pointing out that post break-up he was merely milking benefits without the commitment- he was not implying his commiment was an option even.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are extremely naive.

This guy is getting ALL of the benefits of a relationship without ANY commitments, responsibility or rules.

And there you are, so blind, allowing him to do it.

Chances are high he has a lady on the side, or 2. So first thing I would highly recommend to you is get STD test ASAP.

THEN you cut him off completely. There is NO friendships with ex, no contact or NOTHING. It's done. You need couple of months to heal and recover. In order to get over him, there cannot be ANY contact.

You are in the driver seat. And currently the steering wheel is missing and you have a flat tire. Find the wheel, fix the tire and start driving forward.....

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are extremely naive.

 

This guy is getting ALL of the benefits of a relationship without ANY commitments, responsibility or rules.

 

And there you are, so blind, allowing him to do it.

 

Chances are high he has a lady on the side, or 2. So first thing I would highly recommend to you is get STD test ASAP.

 

THEN you cut him off completely. There is NO friendships with ex, no contact or NOTHING. It's done. You need couple of months to heal and recover. In order to get over him, there cannot be ANY contact.

 

You are in the driver seat. And currently the steering wheel is missing and you have a flat tire. Find the wheel, fix the tire and start driving forward.....

Apart from the fact that you're even more cynical than I am, you're pretty much straight on.

Apart from the fact that you're even more cynical than I am, you're pretty much straight on.

Thanks

I understand you must be hurting a lot and that all you want right now is to "solve" the situation and get back together. But if he is to ever value you and realize what he lost, you need to cut contact and work on improving yourself and your life, have fun, try not to give in to post-breakup depression and absolutely no begging or pleading - that will not help the situation. Right now he seems to take you for granted so you need to take the power back by acting with dignity. Not contacting him might make him miss you and realize he made a mistake. Or maybe he will not change his mind about not wanting a relationship. He did say he doesn't want a relationship and he might mean it. You're both very young and a serious relationship might be too much for him. It's hard to tell. And I know it's so hard but try to accept that there may be no answers... even he might not know why he feels the way he feels. So try not to become obsessed with closure and instead focus on yourself and your life.

"he kept saying he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore."

Listen. End of story, there is nothing else to do.

If he's getting everything he got during the relationship without the responsibility of actually BEING in a relationship...he has no motivation to get back together officially.

Take the sex, companionship and communication off the table. See how he reacts.

And no, this is not game playing. It's just being smart and protecting yourself. If you're always available to him in every way, how is he supposed to miss you?

*Sigh. Yet another poster telling us what we can and can't post...

Just to be clear, you would like advice on how to *force* him to see that you were 'meant to be together,' just as you are *forcing* us not to write that you shouldn't try to get back together with him?

Lots of 'forcing' going around here.

That said, this might be hard for you to believe, but I really am sorry for what happened. I know what it's like to have someone suddenly do a 180 on you and there you are, lost and bewildered, wondering what changed when everything seemed fine.

I'm going to say something that you're probably not going to read, much less take seriously, but all I can say is that this really is the truth of what I believe, after many years of failed relationships, selfishness, and too much giving...There is no such thing as meant to be together. At all. There are just two people, two people who decide every day if they are still going to put forth the effort to be together, two people who decide to love and respect each other, two people who decide that the other person is worth it. But first, the two people have to be in the correct mindset. They have to be mature and honest.

Forgetting everything I just said and getting back to your question on how you can *make* him see that you're supposed to be together (also forgetting that his mom telling you you're supposed to be together is any kind of proof that you should be - because it isn't), you have three choices. You can be aggressive and tell him straight out how you have stuck by his side and how the two of you are perfect together, and proceed with telling him how everyone agrees with you. Or you can do the opposite, keep quiet and hope he comes around on his own. Still another option you have is to be wishy-washy and drop subtle hints that you want to be in a relationship. If I understood your post correctly, you have done all these things.

Objectively, there's nothing wrong with explaining your point of view to someone. However, what you're attempting to do is like looking at a painting with an illusion on it, and trying to get your friend to see that same illusion. You can't *make* someone understand something. Humans just don't work that way. If you feel you have to force them, then there's a problem, so therefore, there's a problem. And it has nothing to do with you. If I were to make an educated guess it would be that he does not want to be tied down and/or has found someone else he wants to date (which is why he goes quiet when you demand a reason from him...he doesn't want to mess up his chances of being with you either, but the fact that he has told you he doesn't want a committed relationship 'frees' him from guilt in seeing other women).

Again, I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope you will find a way to move on and find someone who deserves you. Even if you don't listen to all us old judgmental people here on ENA (insert weak laugh here), I hope you realize this on your own. Hey, I'm still a tiny bit bitter about a guy years ago who was totally into me one day and the next, ignored me and was following this other girl around, making googly eyes at her. It's not a great feeling, but you move on, because you have to, because it's not good for you if you don't. Good luck.

I am truly sorry for you. I am in the exact same place. I wish I had a better answer for you. I wish you the best

Having been around rather longer than you have, I can say you're absolutely spot on. As I said, I really feel for anyone who has been dumped, especially when they haven't cheated, been violent and really feel they did nothing to deserve being dumped. The trouble is that it is so hard letting go. Our human instinct is to cling on regardless, short of being attacked violently or catching our partner in bed with someone else. I've wasted years of my life mourning "relationships" that were little more than a sham when I thought I could never get that with anyone else. Most of us have several significant others in our life and don't marry our first b/f or g/f. By today's standards, I am now the exception, rather than the rule, as I have been married (2nd time) for over 20 years. I had been married before and was planning an engagement. On both occasions, I thought I'd found my "happy ever after".

My married life isn't utopia but I know that my relationship with my wife is real and not some illusion. What about the girls I couldn't live without and was "meant to be with"? I remember the sex and the break-up and precious little more.

When you have been dumped by the love of your life, there's little worse but there are m(b???)illions of people worldwide who have got over it.