Love, cheating, brake up..?

Hi all,

I've been with my girlfriend quite some years, live together, had some wonderful experiences, and still have. But I'm miserable... A few years back, she had a loss that really shook her life, she became jobless for a long time and got depressed. It was hard being with her, trying to be supportive all the time. To be fair, I wasn't always successful in that (was often distant although I would try my best to help her). It was a bad period to be together... and it got worse. She cheated on me twice with a guy she met at a bar. This was the end for me, I didn't want to continue anymore, I could not handle this. But I had too, she was still depressed, and I care about her (it's hard to use more decisive words to express this). She went to a therapist, I went along. We stayed together, I made her believe I wanted to try it out, but I was lying. My plan was to wait for her to get better and end it there. In the next few months, I cheated as well. I started going out a lot and found myself to have an easy time flirting with girls (mind you, before my relationship with her, I always had a hard time, I was clumsy and not confident at all, this all changed throughout the years). After a few weeks, I decided to break up with her anyway. We broke off for one week, I had sex with another woman but didn't like it (honestly, I panicked). I started thinking about what I just lost, that I needed to try it out again with my girlfriend. We patched things up, we went on holiday, continued like nothing happened. She stopped going to counseling, life went on. However, in the back of my mind, I had these experiences (which she doesn't know about). A year has passed since then, she's better now and I'm getting worse. I check everything she does and find her texting with male "friends". Although I know nothing is going on (is it?), it makes me go mad and we fight. In the meantime, I get every occasion I get to flirt with women and I'm going so far as going on a date.

Long story short: I'm completely confused. I feel like I had something special, I wanted to share my entire life with her. On the other hand, I cannot get over her cheating, our troublesome period, all of our difficulties. The "special" part is gone, not it just feels like "survival". From the one hand, I have a bit of hope to restore the relationship, on the other hand I feel like this is impossible and I should give up and save the both of us from something that is already dead.

I'm hoping to get some help here, some opinions that might help me understand better what I'm dealing with as it seems so obvious (brake up) yet so complicated.

thanks

It just sounds too toxic to me. Break up before you break yourself up.

When crap hits the fan in people's lives, that's where their actions tell you a LOT about the person.

Great people manage to make those tough times into something that builds their character and makes them a better person. And others, sink into a hole and it becomes a domino effect of 1 thing after another.

I'm sorry that your girl was the 2nd person.

Find someone from example #1.

It sounds as if the end is long overdue and I think it's time you pull the plug on this one and move on. The integrity of the relationship has been compromised. Moving on will hurt but it's better to stomach that pain now then later on when you get married or have children.

Best of luck

When hits the fan in people's lives, that's where their actions tell you a LOT about the person.

 

Great people manage to make those tough times into something that builds their character and makes them a better person. And others, sink into a hole and it becomes a domino effect of 1 thing after another.

 

I'm sorry that your girl was the 2nd person.

 

Find someone from example #1.

I thought new genitals fixed everything. Not happy in your relationship? Find new genitals to play with. Not happy with those new jeans? Find new genitals to play with. Boss got you down? Find new genitals to play with. Tooth Decay? New genitals!!

In all seriousness. OP is of the category person #2 also (cheating but justifying it with excuses). I'd suggest he spend some time and energy being of type 1 so that when he meets a girl of type 1 he can keep her! Possibly if he makes himself into type 1 he can have a positive effect on the current relationship, but he'd have to really want it.

Well, I don't consider myself to be type 1 as well, honestly, you're right. But I do feel like this was the weak spot, the one blow I could not take after our difficulties (in which I did have my doubts and I did want to get out of it all, but didn't because I felt I needed to be with her). When I found out she cheated on me, I went into a state of mind that I never experienced before (mind you: I'm quite a stable person, quite successful in many parts of life).

Well, I don't consider myself to be type 1 as well, honestly, you're right. But I do feel like this was the weak spot, the one blow I could not take after our difficulties (in which I did have my doubts and I did want to get out of it all, but didn't because I felt I needed to be with her). When I found out she cheated on me, I went into a state of mind that I never experienced before (mind you: I'm quite a stable person, quite successful in many parts of life).

Don't worry, most people are not type 1, but they learn to be as they deal with drama.

AT times I'm not either, but I do my best towards working to type 1.

Anyways, she cheated, it's over and it's time for you to move on and break all contact. Take your time to heal (3-6 months) and in time you will be ready to find a special person you deserve.

She is NOT it.

I really just can't think of many Type 1s. I am to some extent but if the blows become too hard or too frequent, I just find it easier to stay down than keep getting up only to get another set of blows.

The fact is you both have cheated on each other, multiple times. And depression does not make one cheat, it doesn't. I see that excuse used over and over again and it just makes me want to tear my hair out every bloody time. I have depression that comes and goes, trust me, real depression, the real freaking deal, you're damn lucky if you can get out of bed to make tea. You do not have the energy to go out to a bar, pick up someone, and have sex with them behind your partner's back. You.just.don't. Lack of self-esteem, lack of boundaries, a selfish "me first" nature, guilt etc. -- those cause cheating. Maybe even manic phases, but depression? Nope.

So boo to her for playing on your sympathy and claiming it was her "depression" when it wasn't. You should have told her, "Go get some help for that, I'm out" and walked. But instead you chose to make things worse by then doing the same thing she did. And now you have your guilty conscience while she just feels like depression is a drop your pants pass.

This does not a healthy relationship make. All I can tell you is that you both need couples counseling desperately or you need to tell her it isn't working, hasn't worked for a long time, and you are out. And you go and you don't look back or drag things out. You have both used sleeping with other people as a panacea to make yourselves feel better, but you could just be doing that guilt free by being single. If you cannot be there for each other, equally in turn, and agree to the terms of monogamy or polyamory or whatever best suits you both then why are you each wasting the others time?

I see two people not happy with each other to the point of having to go outside their relationship, each in turn. There comes a point when your'e caught in total toxicity where you have to admit maybe each of you is with the wrong person and you walk. Or like I said you go and get that counseling together, each of you is willing to do that work, and you fix it.

And in order to do that you need to sit her down, tell her you are not happy and haven't been so for a long time with how everything has transpired, and you ask if she will do couples counseling with you. If she says no or you don't want to then really what's the point? Staying miserable with the wrong person for the rest of your life is a not the way to go, neither is communicating your unhappiness. Definitely treatment for depression by way of seeking outside male/female attention is so far the wrong way to go I don't even know where to start on that one.

Honestly, I think this relationship is way past couples counselling. It needs a clean break up. It's not often I advise people to get out of a relationship but this is one occasion I just can't see any hope of it working.

Thanks for your reply. I don't feel qualified to say whether something is a depression or not. I only know these were some very difficult years that can bring people easily off course. That being said, I do feel it's really hard to have a healthy relationship again (how can I ever be honest about what happened?). I tried to break up, told her I want to break up and every single time we regret the fight, we get together again and try to move on.

So you have a gf at home while you are out flirting with women. All of a sudden you are confident and good around women? Maybe it is because you have a back up plan at home and have nothing to loose.

You are both using each other, lying to each other and betraying each other. This isn't a relationship, it is a mutual selfish fest.

You are being a coward by staying with her and venturing out to test the waters with other women. Will you dump her when you find a suitable replacement?

She is just as selfish and using you for a safe place to land when her life isn't going all that great. I have never heard a cure for depression to be going out and letting some strange dude stick his penis inside you.

This whole thing is so far from anything that could remotely be called healthy the only thing I can see is for both of you to get as far away from each other as possible, spend some time making a healthy life for yourselves and then maybe consider trying to meet someone new.

Please don't break up and then drag someone else into your mess until it is cleaned up.

Lost

Thanks... you are right: this position is convenient for me to test the waters. However, this is not the reason I still am in this relationship (and about my confidence: going from a nerdy student to a successful person, did help quite a bit, not the fact that I'm in a safe position with a woman waiting for me).

What I got from all your replies, is in fact that I have to break up. I do know it, it's hard to ignore it, it's just hard to execute it.

I didn't say just break up. I recommended you also look at couples counseling, because yeah that might very well help. What isn't working is the two of you continuing to let this drag into limbo.

But if you both would do counseling together it might turn things around. Isn't possibly worth a shot anyways? Do you think it could become healthy if you both worked on it? I think maybe you both need to learn how to communicate and work on issues better, but we all need that. No one is born perfect and all knowing. Take another look, breaking up is the easy part, but what about when you find yourself in another relationship? You will still need to learn there are other ways to address problems than slotting in outside female attention and same for her with outside male attention.

Do you think maybe you could both try to find another way together?

I usually agree with you on most things but I cannot here on the relationship having anything worth saving.

Where you are right is that the OP and his GF do need to re-evaluate their approach to relationships going forward. Counselling could certainly help but, in my opinion, only in future relationships and not this one. The key thing here is that the trust is broken.

We tried counselling, I failed (stopped going). I felt as I was being pushed towards a decisions (working on it to continue) which I didn't decide upon yet. She stopped as well after a while, assuming that things were going better.

I'm actually very surprised about her excuses of her depression... is there a justifiable state of mind that brings you to cheating? It seems like I've accepted her reasons but didn't accept the fact itself.

"" is there a justifiable state of mind that brings you to cheating?""

NO!!!!!! It's a choice and a great indicator that the relationship is BROKEN. My advice...break up, heal and move on.

We tried counselling, I failed (stopped going). I felt as I was being pushed towards a decisions (working on it to continue) which I didn't decide upon yet. She stopped as well after a while, assuming that things were going better.

 

I'm actually very surprised about her excuses of her depression... is there a justifiable state of mind that brings you to cheating? It seems like I've accepted her reasons but didn't accept the fact itself.

There may be mitigating factors where cheating is involved but the bottom line is that it is a selfish act.

Bizarre turn of events (or maybe not)... She cheated on me a year ago, we spent a year working on it (or trying), I get completely messed up by it and go astray myself just to find out a few days back she cheated on me again. Got a call from a total stranger, who used to be the girlfriend of one of my GF's colleagues saying that she broke up with her boyfriend because he confessed having sex with my GF. Well, I was a bit surprised by my own reaction which was quite... neutral. I felt the girl on the other line was surprised that I took such a news in a neutral way and didn't react on it.

I feel very confused again, going from "why should I believe a total stranger" to "well, this is what I needed to take action". Of course, I'm going for the second one, although I'm trying to find excuses to postpone it due to practicalities (we live together, someone should move out, when, where, etc).

I really find the last year to be surreal...