Ex broke up with me, said it was all my fault, and is with new girl already

So here is my story (I'm 36), sorry for the length but this was a 5 1/2 year relationship. Our relationship like most, started out really well, we were happy, spend time together, and had a great sex life. Then about 2-3yrs in, my life got supper busy with work, I worked a lot, and ended up dealing with a bit of depression. My boyfriend got frustrated with me, since my sex drive was not up to par with his, which he would prefer sex daily. We went back and forth on whether we should split, and I even told him, since my therapist stated, that he did not have to stay in the relationship with me, and I could understand if he needed to leave. He said he wanted to stay in, and wanted to be there for me. So fast forward to spring of 2014, and we decided to take a break, since I really needed to focus on me so I could be better for us. There were no rules to this break, and 1 mo later after starting an anti-depressant, changing my work schedule, we got back together. I went into it, wanting to make up for everything he felt he had missed out on. Except then I started to notice the endless texts from one girl, and that she would be showing up everywhere. I asked him about it, she was 24, he was 45, and wanted to know why she kept coming around. He directs a choir and is also a jazz musician and just claimed that she wanted to learn jazz, wanted him to help, etc. At first I believed him, yet then he kept picking fights and saying he would need space for a night to go out with his guy friend...yet I would notice he wouldn't come home (since he lives 3 houses down) which is not like him. Finally by the end of summer, the truth finally came out that he had been seeing her as well, had gone away on 2 separate occasions overnight somewhere (yet claimed they never slept together). I believed him, and she was getting ready to leave to travel the world in Sept, and I ultimately chose to forgive him and try to work on our relationship. I guess in a way I felt I deserved what happened since he had felt so rejected by me when I went through my depression...however, I still never thought he would go to the lengths he did to sneak behind my back.

So she left, yet she would send him letters and post cards from overseas, one of which he let me read where he was trying to prove to me that she was moving on, yet when I read the 5 page letter I told him that was definitely not a girl saying goodbye. Then Dec. hit, and she returned to town, and since she sang in his choir they continued to spend more time together preparing for x-mas service. I told him I trusted him, I wasn't going to be that jealous girl, but asked him don't hurt me again. If he didn't want to be with me just tell me. Then at x-mas eve service I went, and at the end she walked up to him when we were in the parking lot together and gave him a gift and told him he couldn't open it without her. Then gave him a hug right in front of me, and said nothing to me. So yet again I was put on edge, and despite me asking him not to meet up with her, outside of choir he did, and he opened her gift, which I found out after the fact. Then he had the nerve to tell me, when I was upset at him for even going to meet her that it was the most thoughtful gift he had ever received. That hurt a lot to hear. Yet I stayed with him. Then 1 mo later, I happened to see his car and what I thought might be her car on his street. I asked him the next day, and he denied it, said that she could have been visiting a friend that lived on that street as well as her piano teacher lived on that street. I said I just find it odd that it was there all night... I asked if he slept with her since she got back from her trip and he said no.

1 wk later I saw what I really knew was her car on his street again. And went to his house, and despite his reluctance he let me in and there she was. So I basically opened a great dialogue, and asked her if she slept with him and she said yes. She stated she was told we were broken up. I said that's funny, since I was just with him in his bed the night before. He really had no explanations and yet again I should have just left that night and never returned, yet I think I was so pissed and jealous and didn't want them to be better I stayed and he asked her to go. After that I told him he needed to block her number, facebook, email, if he was serious about staying...yet he was so apathetic and basically said he didn't know if he wanted to be with either of us...yet he stayed with me...and unfortunately I did not push the no contact issue. Again, I kept catching him in lies about where he was, and if she was there... I had no reason to believe they were sleeping together, but just the secretive hanging out was a continual slap in my face and did nothing to help with my trust issues of him. So I then did something stupid and created a fake facebook profile and friended my boyfriend and a bunch of random music people in order that she would friend this profile too. Then I used the profile to see when she might be out of town, or mainly on-line. Which I would just use if my boyfriend stopped texting, since I knew if he was not logging in to facebook at night before bed, and she didn't then they were likely together... Come May though, she left again so I stopped using the profile, and life felt like it was getting on track again for us (stupid I know since he was never really that apologetic for his actions...and even still claims that the first summer he screwed around on me, we were not technically back together so he didn't cheat then...I told him it might have been nice to know we weren't together, and that if we weren't why all the secrecy surrounding her).

There were a few texts and emails over the summer but he promised he never responded to them, so I was really trying to believe him. Then 4wks ago today she came back to town and the texts increased and she even showed up to where he worked as a boat captain, for a ride on the boat. He told me, he had nothing to do with that, that it was his friend that brought her, but he did say he told her he could not hang out with her since it made me fee uncomfortable. I did ask him why he couldn't say because he didn't want to, and not just put it on me, like I was the one yet again keeping the two "soul mates" in her words apart. So again my paranoia started, and I went back to the fake facebook profile. I decided to add a few more of her friends to try to see if she was going to stay in town etc...which was so stupid since I could learn really nothing... And then somehow, my boyfriend and her pieced it together that it was me, and she felt like she was being cyber stalked etc etc. So he confronted me, and I told him the truth because unlike him I have never lied to him. I said it was stupid, it was done as a way to try to keep my mind at ease since he would get so annoyed at me when I would ask questions about her, etc. He then said that this was in the top 10 worst things that has ever been done to him (and considering he was molested by his uncle as a child) and it was unforgivable. He then said I blew it, because things between us were going well, and this was my fault we were breaking up. When I mentioned that I had forgiven him several times over the past 1 1/2 years for cheating on me, lying to me, etc and that I deserved one time where he could forgive me. He said it would have been easier to forgive if I had slept with someone else than doing this. Let me say again...I never talked to anyone through the facebook profile, never posted anything, never harassed anyone, other than sending friend requests and people accepting a total stranger or not, I really thought what I did was not unforgivable. I even said that at least the worst about me was on the table...and again asked him to come to counceling with me, which he had said no to last summer and in Feb.

Needless to say that for the past 2wks other than me sending a text when his aunt passed and him replying Thanks hun, hope you are well. And me asking him to meet so we could resolve or get closure and he said no he was too busy...we have not spoken. Now the real kicker is 4days after we broke up...I was driving by his house on my way home (again not stalking...he lives 3 houses down), I saw her car parked outside at 1am... That hurt... Then 2 days later I drove home late again...and it was there again. This has repeated itself almost every day since (there are a few days I don't know since I didn't go out, partially because I didn't want to see her car there... So it just makes me angry...how could someone claim to be so hurt by what I did, and 4 days later (if not earlier) end up with her at his house for the night. I just wish I knew why...what is he thinking... Even his best friend told me I am better off without him, which I am trying so hard to listen to and believe, but I think I am just so angry that he is getting everything he wants and needs, and made me feel like crap for what I did, like I was the real reason we broke up. That his lies and cheating had nothing to do with any of what happened. I know what I did was stupid and immature...but am I crazy to think that he has just been waiting for the chance for when I messed up, so he could be with her, and not be the "bad guy" in this. I mean, I am completely humiliated with what I did, and have told several people my story and hate revealing how sad an insecure I was...but everyone tells me that it was not my fault. That his actions led me down that road, that yes there were better ways to deal with my feelings...but were my actions unforgivable if he really loved me, no. Instead they say that he was just living a life of having his cake and eating it too, but used my mess up as an out, so he could fully dive in with her. Which blows my mind too...that he is 46, she is 25 and still lives with her parents, and because they both like to play jazz music and he is greek and she is 1/2 greek, that they connect on some different level. I mean she is 25...it just hurts. I know in the end not to blame her, despite all the messages she sent over the past year even to me, telling me why I should let him go, about why our relationship would never work etc... I think I would have had a much easier time if he had jumped into bed with some random people...but not the girl who has caused so much stress and angst in our relationship.

So does anyone have any thoughts on this. I know I should have kicked him to the curb the first time I found out...yet I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and power. I need to learn how to let him go. Why do I continue to feel so guilty about feeling like I broke us up? Like if I never did the facebook thing...maybe we would have been ok...or maybe he would have ended up cheating on me with her again...since he quickly fell back into bed with her after our spit. Any advice...anything at all, I would greatly appreciate...

This man is ridiculous. You're not the circus, he should be able to entertain himself. Expecting someone to have daily sex isn't fair, people have lives, people get tired.

A man that sees a younger woman behind your back is just stroking his own ego. Deep down inside he must be a pretty unconfident person to need the attention from 2 people. I know that its hard now, and that its natural to think its your fault after someone cheats on you. But in his case, its clearly his own insecurities and lack of impulse control that caused him to act this way. Quite bluntly, he sounds like a total jerk, months from now you will be happy he is out of your life.

I know it's easy to say than to actually do it, but you shouldn't feel bad at all and you shouldn't have gave him that many chances when it comes to physical cheating. To be honest, I don't think they will last long, the young girl is going to leave him sooner or later,well, unless he's super rich,but even in that way she will cheat on him eventually. Because biitches will always be biitches, they won't settle for an old man old enough to be their daddy.

Thanks so much for your responses. It's funny...the more I hear from others the more it somehow helps me find the strength to move forward and not dwell. Sometimes you can drive yourself crazy with your own thoughts and rehashing 5+ years with someone. So I want to sincerely thank you for your time and responses. I am definitely taking your words to heart...

Almost every sentence in your story made me want to scream, "Nooo! Why are you putting UP with this? Dump his arse!"

I'd consider myself liberated, he's a douche.

Any chance of you moving to a better neighborhood?

It's true...even as I wrote it, I realized just how sad it was that I didn't recognize just how unhealthy it was to stay with him. At the time, I guess I just kept hoping if I could try harder, be more available, that he would see that I was a great understanding girlfriend who would have loved to build a life together, as a team...if I had been any one of my friends I would have definitely been encouraging them to reconsider staying with him. I guess when you are in it...it is definitely so hard to think clearly when there are so many emotions involved. As for switching neighborhoods, I have been looking yet have yet to find anything in my price range. In the interim I amazing myself drive the other way home, which at least doesn't take me right by his house. Every day I hope it will get easier. Thanks again for your response.