I Dont want to lose him, but I think its a no win. Help

Would really really appreciate insight and support. I'm not really close to my family when it comes to y personal life.

I have been dating this guy since June/July ish. He is so wonderful, for the first time I actually feel like someone cares about me. I'm an independent type woman, but he's not condescending and belittling like so many men I meet. He knows I'm capable and stubborn but wants to do things for me.

We have both been working together in the same industry, which involves long hours and unpredictable schedules. This has been ok for me the last few years because I'm single, 20s, not much responsibility. And through all of it have been successfully financially. But I am ready to give this up when I meet someone who I want to be with. Its this guy. Id be willing to move to be with him.

BUT

a few things about him. Hes in the process of getting divorced. Not final yet so that has me a little He has a little boy. Thats ok with me.

Hes 31 and wants a family. He was really shook up that things didn't pan out with his wife. It makes me so sad. I mean she sounds horrible, but he wanted a family and it ended up splintered. He absolutely adores his son, though because of his job, he only gets to see him 1 or 2x a week, and very rarely gets to stay the night with him because of his work schedule.

Which brings me back to my no win situation. I want a family, this guy is so wonderful in so many ways and so good to me. However, i don't know if I can be with someone who is not really around, works 6 or 7 days a week and cannot be relied on ( not because he's irresponsible, you just never know how many hours you are going to be working or where your job is. Could be an hour away or 3hrs)

He wants to be there for his kids because he had a screwed up family. But I think he's being naive to believe he can keep his same career yet have the family he wants. He'll never be able to pick his kids up from school, go to their sports stuff and all that little stuff. And I know this because I currently work in the same field. And its such a stress on me, I have no life. I don't get to do any of the fun stuff I enjoy or see friends.

I want to tell him this stuff but at the same time I Dont. He loves his job, but hates the toll it takes on your personal life. And he wouldn't be happy (so he says) in a more normal job. I have casually brought these things up in reference to his frustration not be able to spend time with his little boy.

I'm 27, I pretty well know what I want as far as lifestyle, family, husband.

All the men I work with either have messed up personal lives or a wife and kid at home they just send a check to and never see their kids. I don't want to do that.

Please, your thoughts. I'm so depressed about the whole thing. I feel like we should breakup, but I don't want to lose this guy.

First of all, he's still married.

Secondly, work work/life choices are up to you, just like his are up to him.

And thirdly, he still has his son and that will always play into his life. So even if he and you wound up together, he isn't ready to be a full time, involved father.

Keep searching for someone who shares your values.

Your challenge is even in a perfect scenario he is busy with son and work. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing. You have decide what you can accept. Quality over quantity. You will need to be patient if you wish to move forward. Good luck!

Honestly, the odds are entirely against you. First off he hasn't had time to grieve the end of his marriage and he's already rushing to slot someone, you, into being a temporary bandaid. He may like you, but typically with those rebound situations as soon as they have weaned themselves off of having someone in their life they decide they want to be free and single for awhile leaving the rebound with a broken heart while they go off and explore being single.

Plus his work is not going to change ever and he has made that very clear. Don't hang around hoping that will change one day, because it won't. I dated someone once who hated the hours I worked at my job. He got pretty nasty about it and I finally ended things, because I told him from the start--just as this man is with you--that things were not going to change. His schedule is his schedule. And if you can't accept it and in fact be happy with the schedule he maintains then all this is going to do is continue to be and grown into a sore point for you. In my case it was really doubly annoying, because I made it a point to tell everyone "this is my schedule, like it or lump it, it's not changing." And then when they wouldn't like it I felt they'd lied to me about it being okay, plus yeah it's a bit manipulative to say "No, it's okay" when it isn't okay with you and you then proceed to campaign away for it to change. Or build up hurt and resentment about it.

The issue with his son is his son is a priority and will be for some time. Like the rest of their lives if the guy is at all a decent father. He very well may never even want other children, because he already has his child and for many people one is enough, one is all they want. You again are foolish to assume that might change when you have someone who hasn't even been single long enough to explore the idea of wanting another child. Unless you don't want kids yourself at which time this might actually be perfect for you.

Please keep in mind almost good enough or almost what you want is still NOT what you want. You are trying to form a future relationship with someone who isn't relationship material at this stage and possibly for the rest of his life. And you have no way of knowing that, because he hasn't done any of the hard work and time spent being single to really get his priorities straight, analyze why his marriage ended, fix anything within himself that may have contributed or caused to the demise of his last relationship.

It's a very bad sign when someone can't remain single and alone long enough to let the ink dry on the divorce papers. It means the other person isn't willing to confront what went wrong with their last relationship and isn't too careful about hurting others in their haste to plug the dam on their emotions. That speaks to a rather selfish nature and emotional dysfunction no matter how good an appearance or how flattering his words may be.

Your gut is already telling you this is wrong for you, but I suspect you're going to have to ride this one out until you find out for yourself while leaping in a relationship with someone who couldn't be bothered to properly grieve and heal from their last relationship is always a bad idea.

Thanks for all the replies thus far. Very good insight and so much of it I already know. Nothing is ever "perfect' but we all like to start something on that foot. I can already see a bumpy road from here.

Its going to be hard for me in the short term I know. But I think moving on is the right think. He's not ready, I agree with that. And his life may be more than what I want to take on. I currently have a very 'together' life. Own property (in a different state) and many opportunities for a stable career.

Hes in the process of getting divorced. Not final yet

My heart goes out to you. You're setting yourself up as his rebound. He's not likely to admit that, because he's not likely aware of this himself.

This will have you sinking yourself into future planning and being his rock during the craziest time of his life--the year after a divorce is finalized. He will really appreciate you for this. He'll find you remarkable and will likely feel horrible the day he needs to tell you that you're such a wonderful woman, you'll find someone who will love you the way you deserve--but it can't be him. He hadn't taken the time to stabilize after his marriage, and now he needs to go find himself and explore the single life.

Could happen in 2 months, could happen in 2 years.

If you want to preserve any future potential with this guy, I'd tell him that I adore him and can see the two of us together in the future--and that's why I need to walk away now, while we both still think highly of one another. He has old business to finish, and if he'd like to try a relationship a year from the day his divorce is finalized, he can contact me. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

Then I'd drop off his radar so fast my GPS would spin. Let him work through his ghosts and his legalities and his visitation and his stability on his own. If you stick around to 'help' him with this, you'll be taking the long road and the hard way to learn what you could have avoided--and what you could have preserved.

Head high, research 'rebounding,' and write more if it helps.

Update,

After a couple days of feeling sad and depressed I kind of came to terms with everything and have realized that I just can't be in a relationship with someone that has his lifestyle. Love is one thing, but life, goals, etc are also a huge part of relationships.

So good news I'm OK! I feel positive.

However I haven't seen him all week but tonight I'll see him and tell him what I think.

That I really do like him, we get along so well, but I don't see it working out down the line. And that it works right now because were working similar jobs right now, which is a lot of hours etc. But that's not the life I want. I'm fortunate to have skills, training and education to do a normal job, but he's really not able to do anything else, and certainly not happily. Us he needs time to be divorced and get his life straightened out.

I've been trying to be a little backed off this week. He has brought up a couple times marriage and kids and stuff. I'm like, dude you're still married and you don't even have time for the kid you already have.

I don't know how intentional it is, but I think he partly wants to be married again so his (new) wife can take care of his son so he's able to see him. At the moment he leaves the house at 4am and gets back at 7pm. Impossible to take care of a dog on that schedule, let alone a child.

So anyway, I'll let y'all know how it goes