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Long story, really care about this person, but cannot tolerate her behavior!


ashurrutia

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So my current girlfriend/wife(We had to get legally married in order for me to bring her into the United States some 7 years ago, but since we got married for that sole reason and we never had a formal wedding and we had only been dating for 6 months we never considered each other spouses and instead always talked about having a pretty formal/ white dress/etc wedding.) with whom I have been living for the last 5+ years has done it once more to me. I have known her since I was at least 12 years old, and I tried to get with her at least twice, once when I was 14 and she was 12, and once more when I was 16 and she was 14. I did my first communion with her, this is somebody who was born 3 blocks away from me, and for whom I care a lot even before we started dating.

 

skip this section if you don't want to know all the details.

 

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Our first two years were very passionate but crazy, she was in another country, the former country I was born in, and I even lived there with her for ~ 11 months trying to figure out a way for her to come to the United States, while we had a lot of passion, living with her parents, and sometime staying at my aunt house, and the fact that everybody saw what I did for her(pretty much leave my University career midway to be with her, and try to get her out) as downright bat crazy, we were more like the Romeo& Juliet/us against the world love story. Needless to say when she finally got here after 2 years+ of dating(Having to legally marry her once I turned 21 to put a family reunification petition), I was $20K+ in debt and had started college again things did not turned out very well. I always felt somewhat guilty that in order for her to be with me, she had to be separate from her family(mom/dad/siblings/etc) and took it upon myself to be her protector, I have OCD(which I managed very well this days, but I had my very bad days in the past and struggle with anxiety/panic attacks/etc, which is in the past and does not pertain to this topic.) She always said she didn't care what people said(most people would say she was just using me to get over here, but I would always contest that, because I knew her since I was young and she had never had any intentions of leaving her family behind).

 

Well she was deeply suffering from being separate from her family, but she said(not back then, only recently did I learn about this) she felt she couldn't connect with me, instead some guy from her ESOL(English as a Second Language) classes started befriending her, and since she is one of those girls(she has only male siblings) who believes girls and guys can be bff without consequences, she started confiding more on this new guy that on me about how she was feeling. He even slept with one of her friends who was visiting for a couple of months, but by December of 2011 in one unfortunate night, my gf decided to visit her friend who was staying at a hotel, and who claim he was sick. Deep down she knew what she was getting into, I later found out from her, and some pictures, that they kiss once that night. Then this started an affair that lasted a couple of months. I had surgery to remove my gallbladder on January 2011. I was 23 at the time, some 20 pounds overweight, and not exactly in the best financial situation.

 

She stood by my side the whole time and even though she wasn't sure about her whole affair, which I was unaware of at the time, she did not bail on me. I became extremely suspicious of something happening in March when I saw her acting strange, and when I checked our phone statement, I saw tons and tons of text messages back and forth between her and this guy. She claimed they were just friends, nothing more. It wasn't until May of 2011 that I found out she had a secret email account and found out the whole truth, when I confronted her, she told me, she never had sexual relation with the guy, but she did have phone sex with him. I found some pretty fishy pictures of this guy giving oral sex to someone, but truth be told it did not look like my gf, as in the belly area/private parts were different, it could have been her from a weird angle though. When I asked her about it, she said that something he sent her claiming this is what he wanted to do to her. Needles to say the guy was a scumbag, he had a wife back in Mexico with a girl, and he was just running around here trying to screw whatever he could.

 

My gf at the time was very apologetic, and she said it was up to me to decide what I wanted to do. I was devastated, in shock, my whole world was upside down, it felt dream/nightmarish-like. I just couldn't process it. I thought it was because I was overweight, this hit my self esteem pretty hard back then. What followed was just a period of self destruction, I became extremely paranoid of her, although I still have proof that she might have continued the affair until at least December, the only difference is that he was no longer living in the same town since March of 2011. There was just too many coincidences, one day she was late from school(she had just started college when I found out about the affair) and when I checked her facebook there it was a message from the guy claiming he was sorry he was late, she became pretty upset and delete him from facebook, only to re-add him two days later. I also found out later(as in years later) the registry of an online calling program which showed continued phones calls from May 2011(when I discovered the affair) until Novermber of 2011. In December I found out she was still taking to that number, and she claimed the guy had moved back to Mexico, and she was talking to his sister. I know, the dumbest most ridiculous excuses, which to this days, she still maintains that she did not talk to him, or see him after May 2011.

 

A year worth of paranoia/fighting/ brain battle of my actual logical thinking vs my desired to trust her alongside with me thinking something could happen to her, this guy could do something to her, and my last year of engineering school+the death of my maternal grandfather(who was someone I loved dearly) destroyed me. By September of 2012 I was a zombie, I couldn't sleep, I was having Panic attacks daily, I thought I was dying, I was depressed, out of energy, I felt like an 80 year old at the young age of 25. It took me a whole year to even begin to recover from it, countless medical tests, heart, liver,MRIs, etc. They didn't know what was wrong with me. My girlfriend parents who knew nothing about the affair, told her to leave me, she however stood by me the whole time. I got out of it(lots and lots of exercise, vitamins, magnesium, etc, no medication), started going out again, backed off my paranoia with her.

 

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The last 2 years 2013/2014/2015 beginning were actually quite good. We had plans to get married on May of 2016, went to Ireland for a week for our 7 year Valentine's gift. I YOLO that thing, as I am back on Graduate School getting my Master's degree. I always wanted to have children before I was 26, but our circumstances did not allow for it, instead I compromised and said after she finish her college career and got her bachelor degree and before I was 30. We always argued about it, because she wanted to have kids when she was 30.

 

By May of 2015 in Ireland we were making plans, starting to look for kids in August of 2016, getting married in May of 2016, etc. We came back, and we had to work for the summer in separate locations, 10 weeks apart. I was in Florida, she was in Arkansas. She was in a program that had a leadership component and a lot of social connections. I was in a program that was individual project and no social connection, at least job wise. When we first saw each other after 19 days apart, it was crazy, it felt like the beginning of our relationship, our passion was through the roof, the s..x was just amazing. Next time we saw each other 27 days later, she started talking about hypothetical stuff, and how if we broke up it wouldn't be wasted time, etc. This time around she seemed distant. When we finally got together at the end, she was cold, distant, and even claim she didn't know if she loved me or not. There was this one guy she became really close with, and the second time I had seen her before the end, he even sent her a text with heart emojis, which I asked her what that was all about. She said nothing, but did mention she was the type of guy that if she was single she will be interested in at least dating, because he was emotionally compatible with her.

 

When she came back so changed, I naturally assumed something had happened with her, because nobody can change so drastically in so little time. She denied any affair, just claim that living by herself, surrounded by friends, going out every weekend to natural parks made her realize she was missing out in all those cool stuff by being in a "marriage/relationship". I said, we can still do those stuff, and if it so happens that we end up no having time for each other, then maybe we aren't meant to be. The first months was hell, emotional abuse, which she claimed because before she held on not telling me some stuff that was damaging her on the inside, now she was telling everything that came to her mind, some of which was down right messed up. We fought a lot, because I was not willing to be put down, my self esteem is not where near low, I know what I am worth, and I was not willing to put up with being mistreated. All along she claimed she really appreciated me as a friend, and she did not want to loose me as a friend if we were to break up, but she was treating me badly. Then the clues started to emerge more and more. Starting with a love letter that the guy wrote to her on a book he sent her. Again she denied everything, and just said that she was gonna make things clear to him about just wanting to be friends. Though that day we had a big fight and she said she did not want to be in the relationship anymore, I said ok, we need to figure out how we are going to work things out(i.e. who moves out, etc).

 

She has been talking to this guy nonstop since she came back, she would always claim it was just friendly stuff, nothing else. But she did want to get divorce from me, even if we stayed together at the end. Because she wanted us to get married when we were ready. Long story short, after countless clues, and her countless denials, I finally look at what the letter said, and even managed to see her Skype account, she was telling him that she loves him so much, etc. That is so messed up, I talked to her, even asked her, why she doesn't pursue a relationship with the guy, that I would get out of the way, she said she doesn't know him, nor is she willing to move to Arkansas, so it would never work. She also said she was going to break up with me the night she returned from Arkansas, but when I gave her an ultimatum that same night, which was out of anger, she froze and couldn't do it, and that confused her even more.

 

In the present time, she continues an online relationship with this guy, while "sleeping" in the same bed with me. We have had numerous talks, I made it clear I will not put up with that situation and if she doesn't drop that I will walk out. I also said that I couldn't guarantee that I will forgive her, but the first step towards forgiveness is for her to drop the emotional affair. She claims she never even kiss the guy, and doesn't even know if they have chemistry, but I don't buy it. The level of infatuation is pretty big for there to not have been physical contact, she said they only hugged once when saying goodbye the last day.

 

Now everytime we talk she talks about how she is given up on the relationship, and she just doesn't want to do it. She thinks we should have broken up 4 years ago when she was unfaithful, and that she needs to be by herself for a couple of years until she figures out what she cheats. However in the mean time she already has the next candidate lined up, her words said something but her action say something else. What's worse, this guy is a mess, he was physically abused by his first girlfriend, cheated on by another one, he was dumped by the cheating girlfriend, and even took her back a couple of months later after things didn't work out for her, only to be dumped a couple of months later. He even wrote to her in his love declaration that he had "nearly given up until he laid his eyes on her, and he felt like a kid again, etc". Back to my gf, she said she recognizes she is not thinking straight, that she is infatuated, but at the same time, she says she values our relationship and cares for me, and she thing the best thing she can do for me is for us to break up. Though she wants us to stay friends. I cannot be friends with her right now if we break up, nor do I believe a single word about her caring for me right now. On the other hand she cannot bring herself to break up and wants me to do it. She hasn't even told her parents, I have told my parents and close friends. My family and a lot of my friends want me to dump her and run. Some other friends simply said that it is hard.

 

Her(my gf) ideal plans is for us to break up, and then she said the online fling will just die down because she will just be too busy about her engineering career. She doesn't want to do squat about. She hasn't learned a single thing, where is the effort in doing what the optimal solution is according to her? I still care about her, and yes I am still attracted to her, but I care about her in a way that I am willing to put through her doing the right thing for once and breaking up the emotional link while it is still hot, to suffer, mourn the limerence and grow up personally from it. I cannot guarantee that I will stay with her afterwards but I do want to help her be happy in the future. She thinks if she breaks up with me that she can be by herself, let the online fling do its thing be it dissolve or whatever it may be, and that she has learned a valuable lesson from our relationship that will help her not cheat in the future if she gets into a relationship. I know I care for her now because I have her around, I cannot guarantee I will care for her in such a deep way in 1 year from now if we break up, because I will have to invest my emotional energy on a different person. She doesn't seem to get this, and thinks things between us will stay mostly in terms of the level of connection that we have friendship wise.

 

I do not know what to do, on one side I do resent her because I love kids and I so wanted to have kids before I turned 30(I am 28 now) and if we break up, I will definitely not have kids before I am 30, because I am not just gonna have kids with somebody whom I have only been(assuming I met somebody right away) for less than 2 years. Ironically just recently this girl from my work, I am a tutor and she(she is 21 years old) is a student, took an interest in me. She is a cute girl, however I am neither single, nor is she compatible with me for a long term relationship, sure I would date her, but knowing that we wouldn't have a future. She overheard my comments about relationships in general when I was talking to one of my guy friends, and one day she saw me upset and put 2+2 and figure out what was happening. She asked me for my phone#, and within 2 weeks she pretty much confessed she was looking to have a "thrill" with me. I told her I couldn't give her an answer and didn't know what to do. I don't want to hurt this person, plus I never had a girl down right hit on me, I have plenty of girls interested on me(I am not bad looking+I am in good shape right now), but usually they give me the clues and I take the initiative. I did tell my gf about this girl and how I felt about it. She only asked me if I would had gonna out with this girl had I been single, I said probably. We had a big fight that night. Anyways, I know long rant, but that's pretty much my life right now.

 

I am a 28 year old graduate student in Engineering, almost 8 years into a relationship where we both have(or had until 3 months ago) amazing chemistry, are emotionally compatible, can talk to each other for hours, but unfortunately have had not 1 but 2 incidents of infidelity, the didn't want to count this as an infidelity because there was not physical touch, but emotional infidelity is equally as bad in my book. She also says that while we are definitely compatible she thinks we are just used to each other, and that there is not point in continuing. She says that is she cheats is because she is not in love with me, and the relationship has no future, I see it as cheating is a flaw of character a sign of emotional immaturity and it has nothing to do with being in love or not. I am/feel attracted to other girls on a daily basis, it will be absurd for me to deny it, I do not think that means I am not in love with her. The only difference between us two, is that I haven't acted on those impulses, nor have I ever put myself in a situation where I know my instincts will drive me to do something stupid, as in dance sensually with a girl I am really attracted to, etc.

 

I should also mention that when we started dating she had a boyfriend and while I did hit(for the third time) on her while knowing she had a boyfriend, the night we kissed she said she had broken up with him. Even later he appear to think it was temporary, and I did pressure her to make it clear to him that she needed make things clear that the break up was permanent. I know I did destroy a relationship and I believe this(what is happening to me) could be Karma, and I have always felt guilty with him(her ex-boyfriend). She claim that they had no future and that he was immature and mistreated her, and while it is possible, he did have issue with her being much prettier physically than he was and people making it awfully clear to them constantly, I am sure that I catalyzed the break up, which would have happened eventually anyways.

 

If you managed to read all of this, I will like to thank you for your time. Please do give me your advice I am all ears, and I believe the more opinions we get the better in terms of making an informative choice.

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So a couple things:

 

1. The day you both signed the paperwork and licenses stating your marriage is your wedding day. You get only one day to get married and that was it. As adults, you guys are accountable for accepting and making decisions together as a partnership, and face whatever consequences comes with the them (good and bad). You don't get a redo unless you divorce and plan to remarry. Second weddings are a giant charade and a waste on the guests' time/money to travel and come - there's really nothing to see or celebrate because it's already been done. So stop pretending you guys aren't married. You can still throw a celebration like an anniversary or family reunion meet up, and do it at a venue, but it should not be called a wedding. Understand?

Sorry but people calling, or even implying, that a civil wedding is not a "real" wedding is very offensive to anyone who had a civil wedding ceremony reading your post- particularly homosexual couples who went through it before their marriages became recognized and legalized. It's like telling those people that their marriage is not "real." You guys feeling that it wasn't a "real" marriage is your problem.

 

2. So basically, you both had a sham marriage just to bring her into the country. Why is a traditional wedding ceremony even being discussed when neither of you are committed to each other? By the way, you do know that what you did - getting married just to help your "wife" get a green card instead of going through the process properly - is technically illegal right?

 

3. Sorry to be harsh OP, but you are a doormat. You are enabling your wife to take advantage of you because you haven't told her to knock it off or your will file for a divorce. She got an easy ride getting her green card quicker than other immigrants having to go through the waiting process legally because of your citizenship status. She has cheated on you multiple times and has straight up told you that she no longer loves you while cheating on the first guy. She doesn't live with you like a married spouse like she is suppose to. She wants to be "friends" even though you both are legally married so she can continue reapimg more benefits from you (and keep her green card valid). She is doing her own thing now that you brought her in to this country, and there are so many immigrants who pull this behavior. Why haven't you divorce her already? And who cares you both received first communion together- that doesn't mean squat or that she's "the one ordained by God" or whatever (I'm Catholic and saying this).

 

4. if you have having panic attacks or emotional meltdowns, you need to seek psychiatric counseling and get out of the toxic marriage. Seriously. Your marriage should not jeopardize your health. And spend some time exercising- even if it's one or two days a week. You need to take care of yourself before you are prepared to take care of a wife.

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Ok I am in no shape or form making it seem like civil ceremonies are a sham, or not real. I simply said that when we got married, after dating for 6 months, we did so because it was the only way for us to be together, not because we wanted to get married back then. It has nothing to do with whether the marriage is real or not, the fact that I need to get a divorce says a lot about how real it is.

 

 

 

No we did not, I married someone who I was in love with in order for me to be together with her, she married me in order for her to be together with me, btw I have always been committed to her, and I was even willing to put up with the whole wedding ceremony, which yes, did seem pointless after having married her to bring her over here, but she always wanted the traditional wedding. The reason why I never went through with it, is because of what I mentioned before, I have no problems with commitment, unfortunately she does.

 

 

 

Her green card has nothing to do with us being married or not, she came over here under a parole, and after being here for 1 year she applied for a green card by virtue of being Cuban, so even if we divorce it does nothing to her legal status. I haven't divorce her yet, because as I said this is someone I have known since I was 12 years old, someone I care a lot about it, and who has twice involve herself in a self-destructing behavior. BTW I am the one that brought up the divorce, however given the alimony laws in the state where I live, I cannot really push too much because I might end up having to pay her until I don't know when. Even though she said she will not get anything from me and wants to do a no contest divorce, she can always have that option, and hence I cannot go full fledge on it. BTW I am not idiot, I do care about this person, who is indulging in self destructing behavior and I want her to change it, because I care about her. At the same time as I said is not like I think she is the only person out there for me, I have had quite a good amount of girls show interest in me while I was in the relationship, I just never returned the interest back because is not in my moral code. Just recently as I said above I had a girl straight out hit on me while even knowing that I am still married. You got a point though, at some point I got to let it go, because if she doesn't want to be helped, then there is nothing I can do. I do feel a bit compelled by the fact that she stuck by me the whole year I had anxiety issues, but partly she felt guilty she(her first affairs and my reaction to it) was one of the causes. In any case, I guess my question is: How do you best help someone who clearly has issues with fidelity, so that they don't make that mistake in the future. Is making her break up the emotional affair now that is still hot and going a good remedy? Or do I just give up on her, since she appears to have given up in the relationship.

 

 

 

 

My previous experiences with Anxiety/etc are not the main story here, I have dealt with that in the past and it has not happened again. I do not believe(I have my reasons and plenty of scientific studies that I have read) in antidepressants since they seem to do more harm than good, but then again that is another story and does not pertain to the topic here. As for exercising, I do exercise, in fact that is what got me out of my year long mental breakdown episode, it wasn't prescriptions drugs, or counseling, it was exercising.

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You need to walk away, divorce or not. Don't let your dream of having children by an arbitrary age (would 31, 32 be any worse than 30?) blind you to this. IF you had children with this woman, the mess you would have to clean up would be much much worse.

 

You cannot make her change, only she can do that and she will only do that if you are out of the picture (and possibly not even then). It's a hard reality to accept. I've gone through a similar situation with a previous wife and looking back, I wish I would have moved out and gone NC so much sooner (it was about 20 months between her affair and our divorce). It hurts like hell no matter what, but in the end, your health and your healing must come first.

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You need to walk away, divorce or not. Don't let your dream of having children by an arbitrary age (would 31, 32 be any worse than 30?) blind you to this. IF you had children with this woman, the mess you would have to clean up would be much much worse.

 

I know it shouldn't make a difference, and I know my thoughts are the moment are driven by the situation I am in. I mean this is somebody with whom I had great chemistry, still do, who the first time we kiss it felt like the universe was exploding inside of us, and I have kiss plenty of girls before, it just was an intense rush of dopamine I got from her. Now I see the reality, which is once the honeymoon face is over, then what bonds people is being compatible, being flexible while living together, being good friends and yes you still need to have chemistry. I can talk to her about things(quantum mechanics, philosophy, spirituality) I couldn't talk to my parents, my current friends, etc I tried getting someone that could I communicate with, but at the intellectual level, she fulfills me, but yeah she has done it twice, what is more, this second time around she is adamant to accept is cheating. Even after I caught her sending "I love you" messages to this other guy, she thinks the fact that there was no physical contact(which I don't know if is true or not), and that he is in Arkansas and she is in Florida means that there is nothing going on. Also because according to her most of their conversations revolve about them talking about school stuff, he is just a friend, but who the hell can be friends with someone you are emotionally linked to? She wants to have the cake(have an emotional affair with this guy, whom she claims just needs someone to talk to and she needs someone to talk to too, as if talking to me wasn't enough, and she claims she doesn't have time for our relationship talks because she is too busy with school, which isn't a lie, but why have a double relationship if you claim you cannot even handle one because of your school?) and eat it too(she continues to sleep with me and cuddles with me, etc, she is physically attracted to me).

 

You cannot make her change, only she can do that and she will only do that if you are out of the picture (and possibly not even then). It's a hard reality to accept. I've gone through a similar situation with a previous wife and looking back, I wish I would have moved out and gone NC so much sooner (it was about 20 months between her affair and our divorce). It hurts like hell no matter what, but in the end, your health and your healing must come first.

 

 

That's my concerns, that she will never change. She hasn't learned a single lesson from the messes she has done, now instead she just wants to break up our relationship but doesn't have the guts to do it herself, she wants me to do it, and at the same time wants me to remains friends with her. As I said before I have known her since I was 12, I am 28 now. On the other hand, she admits she infatuated, not thinking clearly, blah blah. For some reason even though she denies it, I think she blames her cheating on our relationship instead of seeing it as something inherit to her personality and emotional maturity. She claims is her and that she needs time to sort things out by herself and not dating anyone. But she admit the other day that her ideal plans was for us to break up so she doesn't cause any more harm to me, and that she will just let the online relationship run its course. I just feel this person will continue to do the same behavior to whatever other partner she has in the future. I know both of her siblings and I am really good friends with the oldest one, whom also had his ex-wife and mother of his daughters cheat on him when they 5 years into the relationship and even got pregnant from the other guy and had an abortion. Then only when this other guy dumped my gf brother ex-wife and she had nobody to turn to, then my gf brother took take of care of her(his ex-wife) because she went through a rough patch after the abortion. Anyways one would think that seeing the pain and suffering that this woman cause to her brother, that my girlfriend would feel some empathy and not do that to me or any other guy, but it is what it is.

 

I am getting mentally ready every day to not have her around, what it would mean in terms of chores, of our daily interactions, of my connection with her. Yes there are times when I cannot imagine my life without her, she is been with me for more than 25% of my lifetime, there are other times when I am hopeful and I think things will just turn out fine. It is indeed a struggle, what's more, we have the same rental agreement until March 2016, so if one of us was to move out, the other one could potentially make that person pay for half the rent since they have a lease. I'm in graduate school right now, finishing my Master's degree, with hopes of starting a fellowship based PhD program, I am in no financial situation(As in what I make working 22 hours a week will barely meet monthly bills and I will need to tap into some hard earned saving) to move out, and she knows she isn't in one either. Though she has sibling here who is Computer Engineer and he has said he'll support her if she is left alone, so I guess she feels safe. At the same time there is a limit to what I can tolerate and I have told her that. You are right staying around her while she carries out this emotional affair is a self-destructive behavior on my part and I know deep down it is damaging me, because this is someone who I deeply care for and I love, and she is showing she doesn't care about me the least bit at the moment, my emotional health, etc. She gets angry at me whenever I bring that up, claiming she cares a lot about me as a friend, but what kind of friend(or worse best friend which she claims we are) will lie to my face on a day to day face denying that she ever said "she loved the guy"? What kind of friend will say hurtful things to me for the first month she was back to see if she could get me to break up with her by driving me into a point where I couldn't take it anymore? I don't care if she says that is her attitude towards me as a boyfriend and has nothing to do with our friendship, it just doesn't add up.

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You get to decide whether you'll want to keep putting up with someone who will continue to have affairs. Some people do decide to turn a blind eye to fidelity in order to stay with their partner at all costs.

 

If you're willing to do that, then here you are.

 

What you cannot do is trick yourself into believing that this woman will ever be faithful to you. So it makes no sense to fight with her about it--just decide if you're in or you're out, because she's not going to change.

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You get to decide whether you'll want to keep putting up with someone who will continue to have affairs. Some people do decide to turn a blind eye to fidelity in order to stay with their partner at all costs.

 

If you're willing to do that, then here you are.

 

What you cannot do is trick yourself into believing that this woman will ever be faithful to you. So it makes no sense to fight with her about it--just decide if you're in or you're out, because she's not going to change.

 

I appreciate your input, and as I said I will not put with the behavior and made it clear to her. I do think that I can help her change and grow up as a person to know why she did is wrong, as I said I have known her since was 12 years old and I care for her. I think she did not learn anything the first time because we did nothing for her to learn anything. There was no consequences, no bad feeling, no remorse, yes she felt guilty but not remorseful. Her parents do not even know about the first time, and I kept it to myself for 2 years because how ashamed I was. It wasn't until a told my father and my family that I felt a relief and that's one of the reasons why our relationship improved a lot in the past 2+ years. I feel that is she goes through the pain of break up an emotional affair while it is still hot, unlike the previous one which I found out after it had "ended", though feelings were still lingering. That if she goes through the grieving process and sees she is capable of doing the right thing of not letting the cheating part prevent her from doing the wrong thing all through. She needs to tell her parents, own up to what she has done. An analogy would be for someone who steals something, one option would be for that person to return what he/she stole and to be publicly shamed, that doesn't change the fact that he/she did wrong, but it might discourage the behavior from happening in the future. Right now I see no future in our relationship, but as I said, I also feel that if she doesn't put her time and effort in to trying to fix something and run the risk that "us" might now work, then she hasn't learned anything and will continue the same behavior in future relationships no matter what she says.

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I do think that I can help her change and grow up as a person to know why she did is wrong, as I said I have known her since was 12 years old and I care for her.

 

Naaah. Sorry, but you can't rehab another person. You can continue to euphemize and believe what you wish--it's not against the law.

 

If she was ever as committed as you'd wish to believe, you wouldn't have been dealing with a first affair, much less a second.

 

My heart goes out to you. It sounds as though she met the minimum required behaviors to get into another country.

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Naaah. Sorry, but you can't rehab another person. You can continue to euphemize and believe what you wish--it's not against the law.

 

If she was ever as committed as you'd wish to believe, you wouldn't have been dealing with a first affair, much less a second.

 

My heart goes out to you. It sounds as though she met the minimum required behaviors to get into another country.

 

As someone who has OCD and who at times thought it was all lost for me, I will tell you that people do change, they just have to be willing to do it. I still have my ups and downs but I am milestones ahead from where I was some 8 years ago. My relationship has caused me a lot of anxiety, no questions asked, but at the same time my gf/wife has given me the support and counseling needed to help me overcome it. This alongside the fact that I was friends with her before we started dating, that we knew each other since I was 12 and she was 10 is what drives me to try to help her make a meaningful change in her character flaw which is clearly fidelity.

 

She thinks that if we break up, she will be by herself for a couple of years, think it through, and not get into a relationship until she was ready, and that she wouldn't make the same mistakes she did in ours. She thinks our is broken beyond repair for what she did. I told her I would support her 100% if you wanted to be by herself for a couple of years, that I would even help her as much as I could, indeed if we break up, I have to move on with my life and I cannot give her anywhere near the attention that I am giving her now. The issue is the way she is acting, where she is pretty much maintaining an online relationship with this guy from Arkansas(we are from Florida) that she met over the summer, it seems highly unlikely that she will be by herself for any amount of time. She says something but subconsciously does something else. For example when she wasn't getting her emotional needs met because I wasn't by her side for those 10 weeks she gave way for this guy who was nice and doing favors for her to come into her life and let herself become infatuated with him. So while she claims she needs to invest on herself, be by herself, etc, her actions said otherwise. Like I said above, I asked her about what she thought was the optimal outcome and she said: "We break up(I don't hurt you anymore) and the online thing, I'm sure it will eventually die down because I won't have time with school to keep texting him the whole time as I do now."

 

How does that sound like a person who wants to make a meaningful change in their personality, so that they don't repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship? Hence why I told her that she needs to break up the online affair, grieve through it, own up to her mistakes by telling her loved ones, and put effort into working into the relationship and not taking the easy way out. I also told her that I cannot guarantee that I will stay with her because I do not know if I will ever heal from this, but I can guarantee that if she continues this charade that I will leave her for sure. I also told her that if she makes herself vulnerable, takes a chance, takes some responsibility that even if things between us don't work, she will still grow as a person. We will see! I already told her that if I see no change within the next couple of weeks, then she needs to move out of the house and that we are done. I also told her that I cannot be her friend as things stand right now and with the record that we have. If she is willing to trade an 7+ years relationship and a 14+ years friendship for a fling, well then be it, her loss not mine!

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