Am I in the wrong?

In my last post I talked about going on a date with a guy I had been in touch with for 4 weeks (via online dating). The date to my knowledge went well, we spent the whole day together and apart from a message confirming he got back home okay, I didn't hear from him again.

I sent him a couple of pictures the following day from our day together, none of me, just of a few objects we had seen whilst out. Again nothing.

Nothing the following day either. So on day 3 half way through sending him a message to say I had a good time and would like to meet Up again, I realised I had been blocked from his profile. Enraged I sent him the message anyway via his personal email. The next day he emailed saying he had been very busy so hadn't seen his emails and thanked me for the photos and wonderful time together. He also said he had been thinking about taking a break from dating and the site but had wanted to honour his promise in coming to meet with me.

I was a bit annoyed as had I known that's how he felt I would have cancelled the date and not encouraged him to come. Also not getting in touch following our date for 3 days and only messaged back when I picked him up on it, to me that's not okay or respectful. Anyway I responded and thanked him for explaining but said I wish he'd told me sooner as I wouldn't have gone through with the date and wished him well.

2 days late I found out that he was till online dating site and that I had in fact been blocked. I emailed him a short message to confront him. Saying I didn't appreciate being lied to, having my time wasted and being disrespected.

He emailed back saying he was disappointed that's how I viewed him that's he had been respectful and had blocked me for my benefit so he wouldn't appear in my searches and because according to him I had mentioned talking to other people online. Which was not true.

Am I in the wrong here? Or is he? I'm really confused. I'm sure there's wrongdoing on both sides...but do feel I'm being manipulated to think I'm the only one who has done wrong.

Please let me know your thoughts.

I don't believe you're in the wrong as such but it's probably not the best way to go about it. The best thing to do would have been to ignore it all and act nonchalant.

Some people just have a hard time saying not interested. Move on and don't look back.

he was an arse to block/disappear without a word but there was no need to confront him or to keep talking. nothing pleasant was to be expected of that, and you already knew he was lying.

put him to down to one of those "manure occureth" experiences and move on from him. nothing to see there.

He wasn't interested after the date but didn't want to say so. Blocking you was stupid but some people are like that. Just move on and next time don't spend 4 weeks talking to someone before you meet him..a few days are more than enough.

Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way about the date.

In the future, if someone does not respond to a message, do not hound them. You had one date, and he owed you nothing. The block should have been clear to you.

Your further contact was extreme, and if someone had acted that way with me, I would have thought they were off.

Honestly I don't think you were in the wrong. You sound like you just got emotionally invested, and therefore you got upset when he ghosted on you. However, I wouldn't recommend continuing to try to contact someone in the future who isn't interested. They likely will not give you the answers you won't, and they will assume you're crazy or obsessive. It sounds like it happens all the time in the world of online dating so don't be hard on yourself. I got ghosted on a few days ago myself. You'll find someone else.

Dating is a process - he obviously decided sometime after date 1 he was not interested in you, and did not want to see you again.He didn't want a conflict, so he simply took the easy way out and blocked you. It happens countless times everyday. Let it roll off you like water off a duck.

At the same time, resist the urge to invest allot of time with endless messages and texts. Exchange perhaps five messages each and then ask for her telephone number to establish a quick meeting. The process would have been less hassle for both of you .Good luck

He wasn't interested after the date. Sending pictures didn't require a response. Blocking you was as clear as day that he was out of the game. Your confronting him simply underscored that you were not the woman for him.

Sad we have come to accept this treatment of each other as normal. I had a date yesterday, I wasn't interested and told the guy thank you but no thank you. Whilst it may hurt, ghosting and lying is far worse.

noone is telling you to accept it as normal, but to accept that while unpleasant, it happened.

righfully being disgruntled about ghosting is okay. confrontational pestering while blocked is..excessive.

Sad we have come to accept this treatment of each other as normal. I had a date yesterday, I wasn't interested and told the guy thank you but no thank you. Whilst it may hurt, ghosting and lying is far worse.

You don't have to accept it as normal. But adding confrontation to the equation won't change a thing.

Thank you all for your comments. I think I'm might give online dating a break and meet people in real life instead. I'm new to dating and the whole online thing adds another layer of confusion I don't really get or can navigate.

Yeah, like someone else mentioned on a different thread. The new technology we have, all the vast outlets to talk to people online with a click of a mouse, allows people to stay "anonymous" to an extent. So they don't feel the responsibility they might otherwise feel to be honest and upfront. Ghosting isn't okay, but I tried a day after getting the guy I was talking to to talk to me. He wasn't budging. At that point I decided to move on and wish I hadn't reached out again in the first place. It's not worth it. It's bad these days, and I'm afraid the trend shows it's just going to get worse as technology improves. That the bad that comes along with the good of it. To be honest... Sometimes I miss just having MySpace as the only social media site and that's it. If we could have the advanced tech without all the social media I would be even happier. I think for businesses it is great. But for people in general, not so much in my opinion. Oh and for that matter. I miss getting excited to take my camera film in to get developed and getting excited looking through the photos, instead of instant "selfies." Haha but that's a whole different topic so I'll stop.

Thank you all for your comments. I think I'm might give online dating a break and meet people in real life instead. I'm new to dating and the whole online thing adds another layer of confusion I don't really get or can navigate.

I really don't think it's about online dating. I bet that this guy would still act as a coward if you had met at a party or through friends..he wouldn't block your profile but your phone number or he would just disappear. It has to do with character.

When someone tells you that they aren't interested in pursuing another date, the 'why' is irrelevant unless they offer something constructive--which is rare.

Consider using OLD to speed meet potential dates rather than investing in messaging beyond basic screening. That's just fantasy building, and it's not useful.

Speed meeting is not a date, and it's commonly used these days to spare the expense and time investment of full on first dating of strangers. You meet for a quick coffee or tea, maybe 20 minutes to a half hour to check one another out. Neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but if either is interested in pursuing a date they can message the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if the answer is no, no response is necessary. This takes the whole squirmy rejection thing off the table.

Dating is a numbers thing, because most people are simply NOT our match. Once we can be comfortable with those odds, it takes the edge off and allows us a thicker skin and to roll with the process. The goal is to screen out wrong matches and to hopefully stumble on a good match. It takes resiliency and optimism, a willingness to meet a lot of people, and some breaks from the whole deal when you feel stretched.

Head high, you just moved one bad match out of your way.

Thanks Catfeeder, that's very helpful. As I said I'm new to the whole online dating thing and perhaps should have suggested a shorter date rather an 7.5hrs of my time, with someone who would just disappear there after.

Problem is I had been signed up on the site for a month and he was the first and only since I would have dated. He was really good fun friendly and I guess u expected a bit more from him....which is ridiculous as he was a stranger. As my mother says "expect nothing and you'll not be disappointed"

You aren't in the wrong but I don't think I would have bothered getting in touch with him even after the first email. I would have taken it that he wasn't interested and didn't have the balls to be honest. Instead he went about things in a not so respectful way by ignoring you initially, then blocking you and then lying to you.

Don't email back. Take the higher ground here. Sometimes, you can have the last word by not actually saying anything at all.

Thanks Catfeeder, that's very helpful. As I said I'm new to the whole online dating thing and perhaps should have suggested a shorter date rather an 7.5hrs of my time, with someone who would just disappear there after.

You're welcome, and we all need help with this stuff along the way, especially when we're new to it.

Consider making it a private goal to find your resiliency and a thicker skin, because disappearances are common in dating. Again, we're back to reconciling that most people are simply NOT our match. We need to gear up for multitudes of frog kissing--or not kissing, as the case may be--but the romantic notion of walking straight into a good match if we screen well enough is balderdash.

So is trying to uphold standards of behavior for anyone else and becoming indignant when others don't meet them. That's a total waste of energy that only hurts your own stomach lining. It buys nothing motivating or optimistic--so put your eye on the eventuality that your resiliency will bring, and let the rest roll right off of you.

Problem is I had been signed up on the site for a month and he was the first and only since I would have dated. He was really good fun friendly and I guess u expected a bit more from him....which is ridiculous as he was a stranger. As my mother says "expect nothing and you'll not be disappointed"

Your Mom is a smart woman, but don't limit that to the cynical side. Expecting nothing but what you can make of and learn from every experience keeps you open to being pleasantly surprised on occasion--even while you make good use of the learning.

Forget screening for dates as though you're choosing from a catalog. I've been happily surprised by the differences in people from their photos and horrified by how some of the most beautiful people I know come off in pictures. I've also been horrified by how some of the most admirable and authentic people write and spell so badly. I've also known people to downplay their successes in profiles to avoid attracting golddiggers.

So screen out likely criminals, flakes and head cases, and meet the rest in person. It's 20 minutes and a cup of coffee--and it's good practice for when you eventually stumble into HIM, and you've learned how to be relaxed, pleasant, confident and the opposite of an interrogator or a Negative Nancy or any of the other personas people unwittingly adopt while learning how to OLD.

Head high, you can do this.

IMO you were wrong. Dating is about passing the "ball" back and forth. You can't keep hitting ball after ball then get upset when u don't get a reply. I would have never sent another thing if I didn't get a reply from the pics. That's loud and clear he wasn't interested.

^ I know right.

You met up with him once. The extreme reaction after was alittle...Psychodelic haha. Guys have done that with me, and I thought they had issues.

Don't chase nor confront a guy. Esp repeatedly eek.

Edit// okay saw your orher thread. Wow 9 years and you wanted to move on in 3 weeks?...

I suggest taking at least a year to clear your head. No dating.

You just got out of a 9 year relationship...Why the rush to date?

If it were me, I'd take 18 months to be by myself before considering any sort of dating.

Edit// okay saw your orher thread. Wow 9 years and you wanted to move on in 3 weeks?...

 

I suggest taking at least a year to clear your head. No dating.

You just got out of a 9 year relationship...Why the rush to date?

If it were me, I'd take 18 months to be by myself before considering any sort of dating.

Oh, wOw. Yeah....NO. The most disheartening, disappointing thing you can do is try to date fresh out of a breakup.

Your mindset is ingrained with being part of a couple. That will have you behaving toward dates as though they are part of a couple--they are NOT. They will view your thoughts and behaviors as skewed, and it won't be long before you're asked how long you've been out of a relationship. And guys will run for the hills.

Nobody wants to be positioned as your rebound, and frankly, you're not likely to find anyone all that appealing while you're grieving and healing.

Take the necessary time to grieve and heal. That's the only way to approach dating from the stability that makes good choices rather than a neediness that will land you in continual heartbreak. Otherwise, you'll leapfrog from one bad match to another, and if you're jaded and negative now--that's the perfect way to embed yourself in that as a permanent state.

Head high, and take the time. You'll thank yourself later.

Woah woah woah....first of all I am not heartbroken over this. Confused? Yes. Which is why I posted to get some advice. Remember this is my first OLD experience and it was my first OLD date. I didn't know what ghosting was as I've never been ghosted in my life. I was in a relationship since age 18.

Secondly people move on at different paces. It might take some people 1 year to move on it might take others more/less. Only the person can judge it for themselves. My best friend met and started dating her now husband 2 weeks post breakup from ex of 5 years. They celebrate their 3rd wedding anniversary in December. It's really not that uncommon. And this has not put me of dating...maybe the OLD approach. Also I am not looking for a rebound...that option is very easy and I wouldn't have waited 6 weeks before dating if that's what I wanted. I've had many offers on and off line since becoming single but that's not what I am after.

Thirdly, why are people who act like jerks always given a 'get out of jail' card? Especially when it's men? I'm sorry but someone who spends an entire day with you, pretends to enjoy it, misleads you then disappears into thin air, that's the psychotic one. On reflection yes I shouldn't have bothered to follow up, but I didn't know I was being ghosted, as I have no previous experience of this and was going based on the behaviour I'd seen up until then. That makes me naive, not psychotic and I'll definitely avoid these characters in the future.

It just means he is lazy and selfish. Psychotic, no. Confronting and bugging someone who behaves like this will get you misconstrued as a bit doolally. Just be careful with how you respond negatively going forward.

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

You take things way too personal and are going to have a life filled with angst and frustration if you don't change.