I ruined our friendship and feel guilty

This is something that's been on going since mid July. We met last year shortly after Thanksgiving and we became friends right away. We both had everything in common aside our height and hair color. We hung out pretty much everyday.

Well in mid July, I noticed he started slipping away from me. I didn't think much of it at first but then I talked to him one day and he told me that everything was fine. One day, I hadn't heard from him all day and I was concerned because this was unusual. So I went down to his house to check on him and his truck was there but the garage door was closed which was also unusual so I panicked because he talked about snorting coke with his cousin the previous day and I was thinking he overdosed or something and was dead. So I knocked on the front door for about 20 minutes and called his phone about 5 times with no answer. He came out with a gun and when he saw it was me, he punched me and he was upset that I went to his house unannounced. I just left and sent him a nasty text because I was angry at him. He blocked my number. He told me later on at church that he thought an intruder was trying to get into his house and that's why he had his gun with him and why he punched me instead of shooting me.

We made up. A couple of weeks went by and he started cutting me off again for no reason. I didn't understand it because we were getting along with no arguing or fighting then he'd blocked my number for no reason. One day I got fed up with him cutting me off so I went to his house to confront him and he was pissed off that I was at his house unannounced. I tried talking to him but he just walked away. The next day I decided to give him a call and we spoke for half an hour. He said he was sorry for acting like an a-hole to me and he said he thinks we should spend some time apart. The following Sunday we ate lunch together after church and talked some more. He said we should limit our time together but he wouldn't specify why but said we were still friends. I didn't say too much during the time. I just agreed and I thought we were okay. The week went by and I would send him random texts but he'd never respond to me. So I was confused again.

During that week, we went on a trip to an aquarium in Clearwater. We had a good time that day and he tagged me in his Facebook post saying he was having a good day with the church family. After the trip, I sent him a text saying I had an awesome day with no response but he was posting things on Facebook. So I became frustrated I sent him a text asking if he was mad at me about something or I'd offended him in some way. Two minutes later, he called me then started screaming at me, "I am sick and tired of your damn texting and calling! I want absolutely nothing to do with you and I am going to remove you from Facebook! When I'm done talking to you, I am going to block your number!" I just hung up and blocked his number and blocked him on Facebook. I was extremely hurt over this and trying to figure out what I'd done wrong.

Another week went by and I texted him asking what he was going to do with my kayak just to see if he would respond. He texted me back saying he didn't know what to do with it. Then I wrote back saying I thought you didn't want anything to do with me. He wrote back saying that the biggest part of him doesn't but he didn't know what to think right now and was too busy to care. The following Sunday we talked at his house. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me for the time being and that he would slowly let me back into his life. He said this whole time apart thing was really hurting him and he was losing sleep at night over and he couldn't eat either. He told me to have a nice week and that he'd see me at church. He also said he has forgiven me for my behavior.

Well some more time went by and we continued to reconcile and it started to feel like old times again. Everything was fine until one day I decided to do a prank call on him. He figured out it was me but I kept carrying on with the prank and denied it was me. He got mad, called me a liar then blocked my number. I saw him at church that evening and apologized for offending him. He said he wasn't mad and that everything was cool between us. He said he didn't block my number and told me that his phone was just acting up. I believed him. Well I continued to text him but he never responded back. So I sent him a message on Facebook asking him what was up and he told me to leave him alone. I got upset and asked him what is problem was and he wouldn't answer me. He ended up telling me he didn't want a friendship with me anymore and wanted nothing to do with me.

The next week, he sent me a text saying that he really feels bad about this whole thing. He said he felt suffocated by me and that if I could just give him some space, things could be better between us. He told me to get my kayak if I wanted it but to let him know when I could get it. I texted him back asking when I could get my kayak and he never responded. So I messaged him on Facebook several times telling him I could get the thing with no response. He finally sent me a message telling me to leave him the **** alone. So I told him to just have the thing with no response again. He told me a couple days later again to leave him the **** alone and that he didn't want the kayak because it reminded him of me. I lost my temper with him and we had a big argument. He told me again that he wanted nothing to do with me and that I ruined the friendship we had.

I got a text from his mom a couple days later saying she and her husband could help me with the kayak. So I finally got it but he wasn't at the house. I messaged him on Facebook apologizing for losing my temper with him and explained my behavior. He said to let some time go by and maybe we can talk but he wasn't willing to right now.

I felt relieved by his message but a couple of days later, I started overthinking what he wrote me and I asked him what that meant and he said it was going to take time to heal this friendship. A couple of weeks passed by and I started getting impatient and tired of waiting. I would talk to him at church but he seemed annoyed and angry with me. I invited him to go to lunch with me last Sunday and he said he was going to Orlando and couldn't. He said maybe next week. A few days ago, I messaged him asking if he had a good time in Orlando and we started talking and finally getting along. I told him we should hang out, go fishing or kayak or something. He said maybe, I'll see. I got stupid and started asking him more questions about our friendship and he said he was tired of me asking him the same b.s. questions and that it was pissing him off. The day before yesterday, I started thinking about the way he treated me and I became really angry with him. I started asking him why he kept cutting me off and he wouldn't tell me then he told me to leave him the **** alone and that he doesn't owe any explanations to me. I apologized yesterday for bothering him and asked him if we still had a friendship. He said hell no, I don't want anything to do with you. I'm tired of your texting me and name calling. I read over our messages and don't see any name calling whatsoever.

Now I am feeling extremely depressed and frustrated with myself that I couldn't just shut up and leave him alone. I'm thinking about talking to him at church on Sunday to see what's up. He's my only friend that I had to hang out with here and I think that's why I'm trying so hard to restore this friendship. I told my psychologist about our situation and she told me to just leave him alone.

A part of me wants to keep fighting for this friendship to try and save it but another part of me wants to give up. It's really hard though because I get lonely and am tired of sitting at home with no one to hang out with. I just want our friendship to be restored already and move on with life. Seems like once everything goes well, I do something to upset him and ruin this whole thing.

Is this whole thing my fault? Because I feel like it is.

I think you worth more than this. I am easily close enough to be your friend

I'm sure he's fed up with all the fighting. You should leave him alone for now. Neither are right in this situation.You can only do so much to earn his forgiveness before he starts looking at you as being irrational in your response to his behaviour and he loses trust in your ability to reason out disagreements. Given that, it sounds like he has been getting negative signals for so long that he doesn't know what to believe now and is just waiting for you to provoke a fight again. Even if you two make up, it will be a matter of time before all hell break loose again. Give it up.Some people just don't mesh well together

You can't leave the poor guy alone. That is it. You constantly text, fb, or call him. Hint: when someone asks for time and space, give it to them! He acts like a bit of an a**, also. Is he really worth all of this angst? DON'T drive by or visit him unannounced, DON'T call him repeatedly, DON'T go on fb and stalk him, DON'T email him with every anxiety your head dreams up. IGNORE him and you will be much better off.

Drop him for good. This is beyond toxic. He's no good for you and you are no good for him. It will be 1000x easier to make new friends than to make this one work.

I couldn't get past the bit where he punched you because he though you were an intruder.

W- T- F ?? Is he blind as well as abusive?

Both of you are at fault here. You're like a virus that keeps coming back - texting, calling, trying various ways to reinfect him with your friendship. He clearly doesn't want anything to do with you - and has told you so repeatedly - but for some reason you can't hear him. The only thing that's important to you is you and what you want.

This isn't a friendship, and probably never was. I suggest you seek counselling so that you can learn more about yourself and why you behave this way. And, you can learn about boundaries and ways to nurture friendships, not destroy them.

He told you to leave him alone. Your psychologist told you to leave him alone. The "internet people" here are unanimous in telling you to leave him alone. Don't worry about restoring this friendship anymore, just move on.

You two sound like an awful match. You want to be clingy. He wants space. You have some depression / mental issues to work through... he is violent and likes cocaine? You constantly lose your tempers with each other and shout / fight / block contacts? It sounds like the only healthy part of this friendship was fishing / kayaking, and surely there is another person at your church / who you know / who you could meet that also enjoys those activities? You can still be friendly with him at church, but it sounds like you need focus on working out some issues that make you act the way you do with this guy rather than worrying about reclaiming a friendship with him.

He just confuses me. Everything goes good between us then he gets mad at me. Take the church trip to Clearwater for example. We had a good day together and tagged me in his Facebook post. I thought everything was good between us. Then I ask him if he was mad at me to have him call me and scream at me.

I get attached to people easily and I'm scared of losing him as a friend. That's why I kept trying so hard to fix things but all I did was make things worse. I also want to add in that we are both relatively new to the area we live in. We are pretty much each other's only friends here.

I just don't understand why it is that we got along so well in the beginning. We never argued or fought then to have things turn out so ugly.

I think I started nitpicking at him because I was getting impatient with whole space period. I just wanted us to make a clean slate and move on.

I'm also bothered because I don't know what it is that I did initially to make him want space from me. He hasn't told me and it happened so suddenly.

I just wish that I'd just left him alone in the first place. Maybe things would be better between us. I felt like I ruined things so I felt like I had to fix things.

I will definitely be leaving him alone now. It's going to be hard though because I do miss him to tell you the truth. I hate sitting at home with no one to hang out with.

You don't HAVE to sit at home with no one to hang out with. Make NEW friends, this "friendship" is doomed. You need to go out more, meet new people, find new hobbies. Work out your own issues with your psych, you really need it!

We hung out pretty much everyday.

He found this suffocating, as most people would. So he cuts you off instead of negotiating more space for 2 reasons: first, he doesn't know how to negotiate, and second, when he does, you ignore his request for space and view every good interaction afterward as an invitation to go back to suffocating him.

He turns violent, angry and is likely doing drugs, while you turn needy, clingy and stalk him.

Both of you are toxic for one another, and it doesn't sound as though you should attempt to be anything more than civil toward one another at your church--at least for the next year or so while you seek therapy to learn how to be less smothering in a friendship.

Well on Saturday I posted on Facebook that I was at a bar and my "friend" that I made this thread sent me a message saying to use a condom if I hook up. I told him that I would (I didn't hook up nor had any intentions to) then an hour later, he asked me what bars I went to and told me of a specific one to go to. I told I had gone by that bar and we had a friendly conversation about it.

I've been thinking and now I realize how clingy and suffocating I was. I was borderline creepy. I wrote him a message telling him how embarrassed I am of my behavior and how sorry I am that I put him through that. He didn't respond back so I don't know what to think. I don't know if we're friends or not but I'm starting to move on.

I wrote him a message telling him how embarrassed I am of my behavior and how sorry I am that I put him through that. He didn't respond back so I don't know what to think. I don't know if we're friends or not but I'm starting to move on.

Bad move.

A letter explaining and apologizing is just more of the same stalkerish clingy behavior that caused him to flee all the other times.

If you had posted here prior to sending the letter and asked if you should send it you would have received unanimous posts saying NO.

Too late

Bad move.

 

A letter explaining and apologizing is just more of the same stalkerish clingy behavior that caused him to flee all the other times.

 

If you had posted here prior to sending the letter and asked if you should send it you would have received unanimous posts saying NO.

 

Too late

Yes that is the last time I am bringing this whole thing up with him or messaging him first at all. If he wants to be friends or whatever, then he can message, text me or whatever. But I am not going to be holding my breath. I am moving on, the past is the past.

To tell y'all the truth I am actually kind of glad this whole friendship ended because it made me realize how clingy I am. I feel like I had an epiphany a couple days ago and realized what I'm really like. I now finally have the answers.

Well, I posted on Facebook about my upcoming baptism this Sunday and my friend send me a message saying he couldn't make it because he had to work but said he was proud of me. I haven't written back but I thought that was nice of him to say. I am thinking of asking to lunch during his work break on Sunday. Do you think I should or no?

No. Leave him be.

Nope. Stay away.

Every time the guy tries to be light and casual with you, the way friends ARE, you return with too much intensity. You even turned his jokes about bars and condoms into a deep reflection and apology.

Skip that, and just thank him for the well wishes and leave it at that. Allow the guy to grow comfortable dealing with you at face value, and don't try to exploit every kindness into a therapy session or a request for more time with him.

Let the calendar heal all wounds without reopening them. Allow him to set the pace of any contact, allow him to extend any invitations, and learn how to take a more receptive rather than controlling position in this and any future friendships.

Every time the guy tries to be light and casual with you, the way friends ARE, you return with too much intensity. You even turned his jokes about bars and condoms into a deep reflection and apology.

 

Skip that, and just thank him for the well wishes and leave it at that. Allow the guy to grow comfortable dealing with you at face value, and don't try to exploit every kindness into a therapy session or a request for more time with him.

 

Let the calendar heal all wounds without reopening them. Allow him to set the pace of any contact, allow him to extend any invitations, and learn how to take a more receptive rather than controlling position in this and any future friendships.

You're right. Yesterday, I wrote to him telling him thanks and that I hope everything's going good for him. I left it at that. Do y'all think that was okay?

Like I said, if he wants to go further, then he can message or text me, whatever. I don't know if we're friends or not but I'm not going to ask him. I do consider him to be my friend however.

You're right. Yesterday, I wrote to him telling him thanks and that I hope everything's going good for him. I left it at that. Do y'all think that was okay?

 

Like I said, if he wants to go further, then he can message or text me, whatever. I don't know if we're friends or not but I'm not going to ask him. I do consider him to be my friend however.

Well done. Now just relax and allow time, distance and the calendar to heal and mature both of you.

Well done. Now just relax and allow time, distance and the calendar to heal and mature both of you.

We saw each other at Walmart today, I was looking at the car waxing products and he walked by, said a joke then I looked up and there he was smiling. We talked for a couple of minutes, he told me about his upcoming trip to North Carolina and some other things going on with him then he told me he'd see me around. We had a friendly conversation. It was nice and I feel pretty good. It feels like were friends but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I just hope that we are.