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I'm so sick of dating!


jennylove

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I really DO wonder if I'm supposed to grow old alone, cuz this dating thing is not working for me at all. It shouldn't be so complicated. I cannot win. The "newest" guy was awesome, I met him off EH and his profile was great. We met in person and there was an immediate spark and we had so many little things in common: our mom's have the same first/middle name, our only sisters have the same name, our birthdays are the same, we are both Vegans, common life experiences, etc. BUT

 

1) he's a pothead. I'm cool with someone smoking occasionally, but not every night. He smokes everynight

 

2) his profile said car mechanic. This is not accurate. His friend is a mechanic and he (my date) assists his friend with fixing the cars. He hasn't worked in years other than simple handyman tasks. Yes, economy has been bad, but there is no excuse for being unemployed that long.

 

3) age 38 and lives with mom. He lived with his gf for 18 Mos, but since the BU he moved in with his mom .

 

 

 

4) only 2 months out of his last rship. He claims things were bad for a year and he emotionally checked out a year ago.who knows.

 

I'm just venting. Some ppl are damn good liars.

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I feel your pain.

Isn't it amazing what stories they weave into their profiles.

I have come to find out "retired early" means unemployed, or let go from work for medical reasons, or lots of other weird & wonderful reasons.

 

I hope you have moved on from this one. He really doesn't sound like a great future partner!!!

 

Actually, EH isn't cheap, so are you sure he isn't a trust fund baby ??

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I'm in the same place right now. I think we all hit a point in our lives where we just had enough and lose that hope of pursuing true love because of so many past disappointments. It's so tiring, can't find anyone normal. I also feel like giving up, someone always comes along when we least expect it, however we just get frustrated trying to 'find' the one

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I'm in the same place right now. I think we all hit a point in our lives where we just had enough and lose that hope of pursuing true love because of so many past disappointments. It's so tiring, can't find anyone normal. I also feel like giving up, someone always comes along when we least expect it, however we just get frustrated trying to 'find' the one

 

Yeah, I'm thinking that I've had enough. I used to really enjoy dating. I remember going on a new date every weekend for 6 weeks straight and having a blast. But now, here I am 4 years later and it mentally exhausts me. I guess I'm jaded now. It sucks.

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I feel your pain.. I dated a guy a few years back who "used" to be a pot head, but it had effected him. He changed his life around became the complete opposite I mean anal opposite.. But he talked like a pot head, verrrry slowelllyyy.. He was perfect on paper and very good looking. But on one of our dates when he mentioned that he used to be a chronic pot smoker, the red flags raised for me. We went on about 4 dates and he never attempted any hug, kiss etc etc..

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But in saying that I also trolled through the dating sites dating here and there and not getting anywhere.. I came out of a long term relationship at the end of 2008 and dated on and off, some up to 6 months here and there. It was so frustrating. But I got ahead in life. In saying that at the grand age of 36 years old I have met someone fantastic! We have been dating around 6 months now and going very well, it DID happen when I least expected it as I had just come out of a on /off relationship. I didn't think it would happen but it has. I got so sick of people (married or partnered up) telling me to be patient though, I just wanted to slap them in the face.. Easy enough for them to say!!

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Feel your pain as well. Got kind of emotionally attached after talking to someone I met on OkCupid for three months (my fault), I was cautious to meeting up because of the distance. So I kept changing my mind. I would have ended it had I not liked him so much. Anyways just a few days ago he ghosted on me. All that connection, poof vanished just like that. That'll teach me not to invest so much so soon, not to keep messaging without meeting, and to stop being insecure about everything. I wish I had just made the move to see him. But ultimately he just wasn't the right person I guess if he can't even have the decency to be straight up with me. Online dating especially can be hard, because you really do feel like you get to connect quicker. Can be bad and good. Good luck.

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He's fine with me re: his relationship...because that stuff does happen....but a 38 year old guy living with mom...puke!

 

Yea, pothead without a career living with mom....winner!

 

keep looking...it's not easy.

 

even when you think 'I found it' ...yea there are still mountains and valleys...

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I feel your pain.. I dated a guy a few years back who "used" to be a pot head, but it had effected him. He changed his life around became the complete opposite I mean anal opposite.. But he talked like a pot head, verrrry slowelllyyy.. He was perfect on paper and very good looking. But on one of our dates when he mentioned that he used to be a chronic pot smoker, the red flags raised for me. We went on about 4 dates and he never attempted any hug, kiss etc etc..

 

I didn't learn about the potsmoking until our 3rd date, and then it all started to come together in my brain. The one thing I liked about him was how laid back he is about things. I'm opposite, I'm high strung, always busy. I wish I was more chill. I mentioned my busy schedule to him once and he then mentioned how his "blood runs slow" and how he couldn't keep up with my schedule or living in my major city (he lives in a small suburb). When I later learned about the pot smoking, it was like ding, ding, ding! Nobody is that chill and slow talking unless they are on drugs (prescription or otherwise). I told him I'm not down with someone who uses it so much and he said, "I'll try to slow it down for you". Awe,What a sweetheart to make such s sacrifice for me (roll eyes).

 

MsDarcy, my goal is definetly to find someone suitable for marriage and fatherhood. When I was single and dating a few years ago, my heart was much lighter. I was hopeful and optimistic, I dont think I imagined I'd be single a few years later. I used to get options from my single friends on what I should wear to this date and that date, how to wear my hair, etc. None of those women were dating and they loved hearing my stories post date. But now, those "friends" are married with kids. And here I am, still dating. I feel like a total loser to be honest.

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I feel the same way.

I have been divorced for 16 yrs, have dated 3 guys & they lasted about 3 months each when the "real" them became apparent!

I even got matched with my cheating ex on EH!!! Deleted my profile instantly lol

 

I have just about given up, but a lovely guy on POF messaged me & we had dinner last night & it was great!

We laughed so much & had such a connection that they closed the restaurant & were cleaning up before we realised we were the last ones there!!!

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed & going very slow, but who knows???

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I haaaaaated dating. It was exhausting and stressful. The funny and somewhat clichéd thing is that, at one point, I made the decision to stop going on so many dates and take a break, and a friend said, "I was in the same boat and as soon as I decided I was done dating, [her husband] walked into my life." I thought that was a cute story but of little consolation - until it happened to me, too. I'd had what I'd decided was my last first date for awhile, when - literally the next day - I met my boyfriend.

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I don't know. I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but maybe the struggle is a positive thing?

 

So many people seem to have this dating mindset that's lead by their genitals. It's like meet somebody and if meeting them makes you want to sleep with them, then you sleep with them and hope that they're not a lousy person and that you're compatible. It gets frustrating for me when people talk about attraction and this is what it pretty much sounds like they're talking about.

 

I don't know. When you look around and see everyone getting married, it's nice and scary at the same time. I attend a wedding and pray the couple will make it, but you never know. 10 of your friends get married, maybe only 3 of them eventually get divorced.

 

Maybe the struggle gets you to consider different attributes or take a chance on someone you outwardly wouldn't have considered before. Maybe you learn more about yourself and make a better choice of partner when it finally comes down to it. I think there's something to be said for sticking it out when things get tough, but making a smart choice about communication and temperament compatibility sure can make those tough tim

 

Then you have everyone telling you "don't settle". I wouldn't tell anyone to grab the first thing that came along, or stick it out with that abusive guy. But revising what's important or taking a chance on someone you maybe wouldn't have before isn't "settling" in the negative way people talk about it.

 

Maybe there's something really special to be dug out of the disappointment.

 

Just a thought.

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There are good guys out there believe me as I am one of them. I know plenty of guys that are looking for the same things as you but are just as frustrated (some are on this site) so I know for sure it can happen.

 

Funny how he failed to disclose he used drugs on his profile.

 

With old school dating there wasn't a constant stream of dates. You went to a party, met someone and maybe dated a bit or you were set up by friends or were at some event and of course the bar scene. So the dates or more accurately the prospective dates were farther apart so it was easier to stay hopeful. With online you can run through 30 people in a matter of 2 months so it is much easier to come to the conclusion that there is nobody for you.

 

I would say please don't give up totally because there are good guys out there hoping to meet you.

 

Lost

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I'm right there with you. Trying everything because I just know I can't give up...not now....and yes it's tiring for sure.

 

I'm trying something new which is to not put so much pressure on dating...yes I'm still looking for the same thing in the end but what I really need is to be easy going and meet as many people as possible because eventually if I meet enough men one of them will be the one. So when I go out on dates I'm trying to focus on just meeting someone new...not meeting my future husband (see the difference?) I'm also really trying multi dating not putting all my eggs in one basket and not messaging one guy for weeks before we meet. We'll see if the change in perspective changes things but already I feel a little less jaded about dating which I'm sure comes accross in the messages I send.

 

Had my first of these "New" dating experiences last night....I did feel the difference in how I felt about it. It felt like there wasn't as much riding on it like it was just a drink and even if that's all it was it was going to be okay. If you go in with that mindset and don't somehow NEED it to be more....it's very freeing.

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jenny over the years...it seems like you have a bad filter for picking them.

 

I would consider changing your approach.

 

I have changed my approach. I used to have "deal breakers" that were somewhat unrealistic. I'm not trying to boast, but I was looking for an equal or a bar above me. I then eased up on my list and eliminated some of those requirements. And now, I've pretty much let go of most requirements and I'm letting come what may and seeing what kind of vibes I pick up on and how I feel after spending some time with them. This latest guy didn't meet any of my old requirements, but we had a similiar background and religious beliefs. I felt very much at ease with him. But there are too many red flags with him that I cannot overlook. The guy I dated before him was awesome on paper, but not the same person in real life.

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I have changed my approach. I used to have "deal breakers" that were somewhat unrealistic. I'm not trying to boast, but I was looking for an equal or a bar above me. I then eased up on my list and eliminated some of those requirements. And now, I've pretty much let go of most requirements and I'm letting come what may and seeing what kind of vibes I pick up on and how I feel after spending some time with them. This latest guy didn't meet any of my old requirements, but we had a similiar background and religious beliefs. I felt very much at ease with him. But there are too many red flags with him that I cannot overlook. The guy I dated before him was awesome on paper, but not the same person in real life.

 

Maybe you need to concentrate more on meeting IRL then....skip the on paper part. go to meet-ups join a co-ed sports team...take a cooking class or wine tasting....or whatever.

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Here's my take. Today, anyways.

 

Women find it harder to find a match then men do. If they date 30 they might like 1. Not so with men. If we meet 30 we would like for argument's sake 20.

 

So because women find it hard to 'feel it', coupled with their much bigger criteria, they reject the greater majority of men they meet. So they get frustrated and say "there are no men out there". Meanwhile men are out there having lots of dates with women, but are getting rejected time, and time again.

 

The result of this dynamic is you get frustrated women walking around saying "there are no good men, why bother", and men walking around frustrated saying "women are damn fussy, I'm always getting rejected, why bother?". And that leads to finger pointing and gender wars. And because we really can't experience what the other gender feels we develop hardened attitudes. Perfectly good men get tired of hearing women talk about "no good men", when if fact there are plenty. And women start seeing men as all jerks that just want to use them.

 

And fueling all this negativity is online dating which sells the false hope of true love.

 

What we have to do is remember women are just people who see and feel certain things differently. And same the other way around.

 

I believe in not settling. But for me it's all about behavior. There are some things I'll let slide. No one is perfect. But behavior isn't one of them. Racism, insensitivity, unable to be empathetic, just to name a few.

 

Take a break OP. There will be good people to love you and you will find each other eventually.

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Maybe you need to concentrate more on meeting IRL then....skip the on paper part. go to meet-ups join a co-ed sports team...take a cooking class or wine tasting....or whatever.

 

Yeah, I've done meetup before and met someone but it never took off. I work 50 hours week and then trek home on weekends to help my mom paint her house, to chill at my condo, etc. I'm currently working around 3.5 hours away from my hometown. I'm working in a major city, so finding someone should be easier, but no luck so far. it's easier for me to try online. I keep hoping someone would approach me at the gym or grocery store.

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Yeah, it's not easy for men either, thanks for the reminder. I'm going to give it a break after one more guy. I'm meeting someone next weekend. He already mentioned how difficult it's been for him - he has a son with Down Syndrome and he said most women without kids (like me) want nothing to do with him. And the women with kids are not interested in him because of his sons high needs. We'll see. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to give it a rest and hopefully meet someone IRL.

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Yeah, I've done meetup before and met someone but it never took off. I work 50 hours week and then trek home on weekends to help my mom paint her house, to chill at my condo, etc. I'm currently working around 3.5 hours away from my hometown. I'm working in a major city, so finding someone should be easier, but no luck so far. it's easier for me to try online. I keep hoping someone would approach me at the gym or grocery store.

 

Yeah...I moved from a smaller city to a major city about 9 months ago and I thought it would be easier in a bigger city....it's not.

 

Also please remember just because it's easier to go online that doesn't mean it's better...or better for you. It's just like driving through the drive through at McD's...i'ts fast and easy and you get food....if you're hungry and in a hurry this what you need.....BUT no matter how you look at it, it's just not for you on other levels. OLD is like the fast food of relationships - on the surface it looks good (those picture make that burger look tasty!) and every once in a while you have a good experience but overall it's just not very fulfilling.

 

Don't get me wrong I do OLD too....it's a way to meet people....it's just not the only way.

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