Need help about my alcoholic father

I debated about sharing this with everyone, but I really feel like I need to get my thoughts out. It's not good for me to keep ruminating on them.

Most of you probably have seen me post about my father being an alcoholic. I live with him now and it's more evident than ever that he just doesn't want to admit his problem, nor do anything about it. I'm really upset about what's going on and what I need to do to protect myself and others.

Yesterday I told him I'd be home right after work (he asked me to text him when I'd be home everyday, because he likes to make dinner and wants to know if I'll be home for it or not). He wanted to make a nice dinner for us (steak and mushrooms). When I got home, he was at the bar already. He didn't get back til 8. He was stumble-drunk and I didn't want to deal with him, so I just shut myself up in my room. Later I heard him getting sick in a drunken stupor. I was hungry and thirsty, but didn't know what state I'd find him in, so I just stayed in my room. This morning I only said good-bye to him as I was leaving for work. We didn't mention last night at all.

Since he's been back (he was away for business for a couple months), he drinks every night until he's black-out drunk. I don't even know how he gets himself home without wrecking. The bar he frequents is about a mile down the road from our home. It's not far, but obviously there's a huge risk of him causing an accident.

I don't know what to do. I feel responsible in a way for what he's doing, because I know I could just take his keys. But I'm not his mother... I'm his daughter. And he gets scary when he's drunk. Unpredictable. I've never been fearful of a physical altercation with him, but I've known him to break material things in the past when he's angry.

I need to move out, but I just moved back in with him about a month ago after having lived alone for a year. I'm currently putting money away to save to move out again, but it likely won't be a viable option for the next little while.

What can I do? It's so painful. He's a large source of my depression and anxiety and why I take medication. And now that I live with him, it's inescapable. I find every reason under the sun to avoid going home, but I'm a homebody and miss the comforts a home can bring. I know that my time of finding excuses to not be home is running out. Soon, I know, he is going to ask why I never come home for dinner. And I don't want to talk to him about his drinking. It won't go anywhere.

Do I have a responsibility to take his keys? Drive him to the bar myself so I can pick him up later? Report him to authorities? (Obviously that last one I don't think I could do.)

I need some guidance, please. Anything will help.

Maybe... you can mention your concern of his drinking/driving & suggest he walk there & back instead...?

I agree.. try not to anger him. I have an ex-alcy. Kinda feel bad for people like that. They're messed up.

You can also try to make things feel a little easier by saying you're going to prepare the meal and do that and just leave some for him, whether he's around or not.

Just so at least YOU can eat.

Try to cope best you can, if you can't get out of this.. because you are saving up.

I guess there;s nowhere else you can go? Where's your mom?

I unfortunately have a lot of experience with this very scenario. Both my parents were functioning alcoholics growing up and then as I was an adult.

First let me tell you that what you grew up with and experience now has and is affecting you more than you could ever imagine. I had no idea how much it had affected me until I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics

I would encourage you to get a copy and read it. You need to know how all this has affected you so you can have the answers to questions that always seemed to elude you.

Here is a site where you can set up online and phone conversations with others that understand where you are and what you are going through.

The good news first. You are going to be just fine as long as you reach out for help. Having alcoholic parents isn't an emotional death sentence but it can screw up parts of your life if left untreated. It is very important that you become involved in some way with an ACOA group or at the very least read a few books on the subject. So many people have been through what you are going through it would be silly not to avail yourself of their help.

The bad news which you already know. You cannot force your father to stop drinking. It has to be his choice for any lasting sobriety. Some have to hit bottom (arrested for DUI, hurt someone else, loose their job/family) before they find the will to accept they have a problem. The groups I mentioned above can actually help you find peace in this and share how they handled it.

My mother never admitted she had a problem. She ultimately died in her early 60's pretty much alone as she burned every bridge in her life including her children. My father always admitted he had a problem and dried out 3 times successfully with help. He was unwilling to try the fourth time and I basically forced him into a program with an ultimatum that he would never see his grown children again if he didn't. He agreed but the detox was to hard on his body and had a major episode causing brain damage. He lived another 3 weeks and died at the age of 53. I carry my decision to force him into the program with me everyday...

There are awesome resources out there so google "adult children of alcoholics" and start your healing and perhaps along the way you can help your father.

Best wishes

Lost

I JUST figured out how to multi-quote.

I guess there;s nowhere else you can go? Where's your mom?

My mom lives here but in a one-bedroom apartment. She would be willing to get a 2-bedroom place when her lease is up, but that isn't until next July. I can stay with her if needed, but obviously nothing long term.

I unfortunately have a lot of experience with this very scenario. Both my parents were functioning alcoholics growing up and then as I was an adult.

 

First let me tell you that what you grew up with and experience now has and is affecting you more than you could ever imagine. I had no idea how much it had affected me until I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics

 

I would encourage you to get a copy and read it. You need to know how all this has affected you so you can have the answers to questions that always seemed to elude you.

 

 

Here is a site where you can set up online and phone conversations with others that understand where you are and what you are going through.

 

 

The good news first. You are going to be just fine as long as you reach out for help. Having alcoholic parents isn't an emotional death sentence but it can screw up parts of your life if left untreated. It is very important that you become involved in some way with an ACOA group or at the very least read a few books on the subject. So many people have been through what you are going through it would be silly not to avail yourself of their help.

 

The bad news which you already know. You cannot force your father to stop drinking. It has to be his choice for any lasting sobriety. Some have to hit bottom (arrested for DUI, hurt someone else, loose their job/family) before they find the will to accept they have a problem. The groups I mentioned above can actually help you find peace in this and share how they handled it.

 

My mother never admitted she had a problem. She ultimately died in her early 60's pretty much alone as she burned every bridge in her life including her children. My father always admitted he had a problem and dried out 3 times successfully with help. He was unwilling to try the fourth time and I basically forced him into a program with an ultimatum that he would never see his grown children again if he didn't. He agreed but the detox was to hard on his body and had a major episode causing brain damage. He lived another 3 weeks and died at the age of 53. I carry my decision to force him into the program with me everyday...

 

There are awesome resources out there so google "adult children of alcoholics" and start your healing and perhaps along the way you can help your father.

 

Best wishes

Lost

Thank you. A previous therapist recommended me to what you've included here. I did read about it briefly, but then stopped going to therapy due to work obligations. I didn't know they had online help, which I think I will look into, because going to a therapist in person isn't an option currently. I'm on medication, but lately I'm not sure it's working all that well.

Meds only help you level out your thoughts while you work on the issues in your life or in your past.

The ball is in your court on seeking help just like your father. Don't wait another day please! There are conference calls, online meetings and all sorts of help that you can fit into your schedule but you have to take the leap and reach out.

Do you know why most alcoholics don't get help? Because they are afraid. Your father is scared and drinking is the easy way out....until the morning. Help yourself and then maybe you can help him. He can get better with support.

Be brave and seek help, I promise you will not regret it. It is actually a relief to talk to others that have lived what you have lived and understand how you feel.

Please check them out and post again here on how it went. You can always send me a PM anytime.

Lost

It's so difficult, because despite everything, I still really love him. I still really want him to be in my life. I still look up to him and remember how much of a hero he was to me growing up. I ache for that, even though I know it's not possible, or at least not probable. I want him to be proud of me so badly. I'm his only kid.

Look up the sober recovery forum, google for it. Excellent helpful forum for those dealing with an alcoholic.

That man you once knew is still there, the booze has just covered him up is all. When my dad sobered up he was clear eyed, smiled that smile of his, looked healthy and happy. Just typing that made me smile so I know how you feel.

He can get back to that guy again but he needs help getting there. First things first though. You need to get yourself help before you can help him. Once you are good and have talked to others that have been in your shoes you may find a way to help.

I can tell you when my dad first went into a rehab facility and his children went into group counseling because of his drinking it really hit home with him the far reaching affects of it. Perhaps one day he may ask you what you have been up to or how you are feeling and you can tell him honestly that you have been in group sessions with other adult children of alcoholics and you feel a lot better about your life since you have been able to share your hurt and concerns about your father and his drinking.

I am a father and I would give my life for my son so I know if I ever realized I was doing something that was harming him it would tear me up inside.

The man you know isn't gone, he has just hidden himself away in a bottle...

Lost

From my journal:

I called him last night to see what he wanted for dinner -- and he was at the bar already. I knew what he said on Saturday was a crock of s--t.

I just feel lost.

From my journal:

 

 

 

I called him last night to see what he wanted for dinner -- and he was at the bar already. I knew what he said on Saturday was a crock of s--t.

 

I just feel lost.

I have no idea what the "right" thing to do is. I know most addicts won't get help until they hit 'rock-bottom'.

I think if you can find a sober moment just tell him how much he means to you and how much it hurts you to see him destroying himself. It probably won't reach him, but you'll have been as honest as you could, and maybe he'll remember your words before he hits rock bottom and get some help. Sadly, I just don't think you can "save" people unless they're willing to be saved.

That said, it doesn't cost you much to go to a single meeting and see if it feels empowering or more defeating to you.

Bar again tonight. Sigh.

Tomorrow if it's a slower day at work, I'm going to research some of the things you all have suggested. All I can do right now is concentrate on myself and moving my own life forward. I'm moving this weekend and after that is when I'll take a closer look at what my options are.

Honey you can only do things for yourself. You cannot save him from his addiction no amount of love will save him. No amount of nagging and talking will save him. He has to want to do this for himself. And if he doesn't there's nothing you can do. All you can do is get some help for yourself.

ENA friends, I need some insight and advice once again.

Yesterday was one of the most traumatic days I've had in terms of dealing with my father's alcoholism. Bear with me, please, as I walk myself through this.

I got a phone call at work about 10:45 in the morning from my father's friend, L. I never get calls from L. He asked me if I had heard from my father last night or at all today; I had not. L told me my father had been up drinking all night long with another friend of his, S, and told S that he was taking his guns to go shoot someone. And that no one could reach him today (yesterday) and he and two others were out looking for my father but couldn't find him. L also told me my father said he wouldn't be going to work today.

I felt my limbs go numb. I knew immediately that my father was likely talking about his ex, whom he still loves, but she's psychotic and it was a heavily toxic relationship. I know that they have very little interaction, but every few months she shows up at the bar he frequents with her boyfriend just to rattle his cage. It's the type of person she is. Something must have happened to make him upset and that's why he wants to go after her.

I called him immediately and he answered. I didn't let on that L had called me; I just told him that it had been a few days since we'd spoken and I wanted to see how he was doing. He said he was doing okay and he was at work. L told me he said he wasn't going into work. I asked him what his plans were for the day; he said not much but that my aunt (his sister) would be coming into town later and we should go see her. So I said okay, told him I loved him and we hung up.

I called L again, told him what my father said. I told work I had a family emergency and had to leave. I drove over to the jobsite that my father would be at and he was not there. I then drove to my grandmother's house, where my aunt would be staying, hoping he'd be there. He wasn't, and neither were they, but my grandmother's boyfriend was. I told him what was going on. He then called my father; my dad answered and first said he was at home, then said he was in the town where his ex lived. He said he had all his guns with him, loaded, and he wanted to "take her and her boyfriend out". He said he had nothing and no one. Grandmother's boyfriend tried talking some sense into him; but he just wasn't listening. He was very drunk. He eventually stopped responding and hung up. I didn't know what to do. But I know that my father gets very creative and elaborate with his stories when he drinks; so I hoped that maybe he really was home and not out in this other city, about half an hour away. I called another friend and asked her to drive by his house to see if his truck was there; it was not. Then I remembered that a good friend of his also lives in that same city, so I called him to see if my father was there, but got no answer.

I was deciding on whether I should call the police or not. Grandmother's boyfriend told me not to, that he believed my father was "all talk" and wouldn't do anything. Before I did anything, Dad's good friend called me back and told me that he was with him, and had left about 20 minutes ago. So I left, drove over to my father's house, and his truck was there. He hit the garage door pulling in - it's dented. I don't know if he hit someone or something coming home. I poked my head in the front door to make sure he wasn't lying on the floor, but he was passed out on the couch. So I shut the door and left.

I didn't check his truck for his guns. I thought about it, but I'm only familiar with pistols and I didn't want to touch potentially loaded guns that I'd have to carry inside. My father isn't a stupid man; he was drunk and angry, and I'm assuming today he brought all his guns back inside with him. Of course, reflecting back, maybe he is a stupid man.

So now, it's the day after. I haven't spoken to him. My boyfriend is coming over tonight and we're supposed to meet up with my father tomorrow for Thanksgiving at a friend's house. If we go, then I have to pretend nothing happened, even though everyone there will know. It'll be the elephant in the room. And I don't want him to think I've forgotten what happened. But if I don't go, I'm afraid that he will be deeply hurt and decide not to go himself, and possibly have a repeat of yesterday.

My father doesn't get like this normally. Yes, he drinks, but he's not normally destructive like this. It takes certain events, the right amount of alcohol, and the right amount of anger/depression for him to act out like this. I don't know if he drove out there with the intent to harm someone and got cold feet, or if he stopped at his friend's place first and his friend talked him out of it.

I don't know what to do. I didn't call the police and I probably should have. There's no time to talk to him between now and the holiday tomorrow about what happened. I don't want to cut him out of my life; but I cannot take a day like what happened yesterday again. I can't do it. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with his alcoholism anymore. I moved out so I wouldn't have to, but it followed me in the worst way. One of the absolute worst phone calls you can get, I've discovered, is that your father is drunk, has all his guns, and can't be found.

What do I do? I don't even know where to start.

I would go to the police. He should not have possession of those guns. And you have numerous witnesses to the fact he had them, with him --- loaded.

Do not touch the guns. If you are not licensed, you are prohibited by law, from transporting them.

Mhowe, it's my father. I can't be the one to destroy his life. He's already doing that himself. It's after the fact now - no one can prove that he went anywhere with them. No one actually saw them.

You are not destroying his life. You are removing the tools he may use to destroy others.

I agree with mhowe. If he wants to drink and be an alcoholic, fine. But you need to get those guns away from him. I wouldn't do it yourself. You need to go to the police so they are aware and can moves towards getting them out of his possession.

This is not about shaming him or "ruining his life". He should not have guns in his state. Think of how awful you'd feel if he really did go on a rampage and kill or maim someone.

Call the police and tell them what happened. People need to be protected.

If my father were an alcoholic and did the same thing, what would you advise me?

But what law is there that allows them to take his guns? What reason would they have? I go and tell them what happened, and they can do it just based on that? Would they tell him it's because his daughter told the police?

You can tell them what happened. They can "talk" to him --- they cannot arrest him. But Jezzzus --- you are now knowingly allowing an unstable man to have multiple loaded weapons. When something happens, will you be able to live with yourself?

Tell the police that you feel unsafe. They will still be his guns. However, they will be held in a safe at the police barracks.

You know that your father committed crimes: he was drunk and driving (illegal) with loaded guns (extremely illegal, if you transport guns, they must be completely unloaded) and making violent death threats (illegal). You have other witnesses too, I would contact them and have them vouch for you. The police don't stand by and let people do these things with their guns.

Your father isn't going to know that it was you. They aren't going to tell him and you should tell them if you want to remain anonymous.

I don't think his friends would want to be included. They are his friends, and are concerned, but unlikely to go as far as being included in something that involves police. It'll be all on me.

I think if I do this, he will never talk to me again. He would know it was me. He knows how I feel about breaking laws and being unsafe, and he knows my morals and ethics. He'd know immediately it was me. He'd feel so betrayed.

My father drove my family home drunk. I wasn't in the car and heard about it from the bartender ---- after they had left. I couldn't sleep that night.

I went to his house, waited for my mother to leave, and told him I knew. He didn't even deny it. He asked me what I was going to do.

I told him --- I will give you 24 hours to tell mom. And if you don't, I will.

He said she would divorce him and it would be my fault. (see the alcoholic reasoning here).

I told him that if he wanted to kill himself, have at it. But I was not going to be silent and watch him kill my mother, my siblings or any innocent bystanders.

He told her. Their marriage hit the rocks for a bit. They went to counseling -- and their marriage went back on track.

You keeping silent isn't an option.

Ask yourself what is worse, keeping silent and having him hurt/kill someone, either with his car or his guns, or not talking with his drunk self again...possibly having him come around if he gets sober?

As adults, on some fundamental level everyone who's part of our life is there by choice. If your father is this toxic, it doesn't make you a bad person or really a bad daughter to walk away, especially if you don't have the emotional resources to survive his drama.

As for him feeling betrayed, I'd just lay it out for him. something like:

"Dad, I love you but it scares me when you drink. It scares me when you talk about killing your ex. It scares me when drive drunk. It scares me when you handle firearms when you're drunk. I don't know what to believe you will or won't do anymore. And I don't want you to get in trouble, but I'd rather you got in trouble than that you hurt anyone, so the next time I even THINK you're putting loaded guns in your truck and driving drunk and/or threatening to kill people, I'm going to call the police."

He can still feel betrayed if he wants, but you'll have told him exactly what's going to happen. And I don't think that failing to protect an adult from facing the consequences of their actions really constitutes a betrayal.

I think that doing something as drastic as calling the police now will sever the little relationship we do have. I am not prepared to do that at this time.

However, I do feel that I can tell him that there will be consequences to what he has done. I just have to be sure what they are. I have to know what my bottom line is.