Says she is stressed and needs space

So we're both 17 and have been dating since junior year in high school. We're always both so happy when we are together and I love her so much. We've been together for over a year and a half and we are both a month into college. We actually both stayed local so this is not a long distance problem. She has been working 30 hour weeks and going to school, so we haven't been seeing much of each other, maybe once a week. I have told her multiple times to lower her hours because she needs to focus on school, but she hasn't. All of a sudden out of nowhere she tells me that we need a break. Apparently she is failing school she told me that she needs a breather to get her life in order and to figure out what she really wants. I figure that she's just using this as an excuse and she isn't happy with us. Or is it exactly what she's saying and she's just stressed. Idk I'm just very hurt right now because I love you so much, she says she loves me too she just needs a break. After fighting with her about it that night, the next morning I agreed to a break and have gone no contact for a couple of days and it has been very hard. How long do I wait? Is there anything else I can do? She's my best friend and I really don't want to lose her.

YOU have told her to lower her hours? Perhaps she needs to pay for school.

I think that you let the break stand and perhaps when she gets her grades back up, etc. she will contact you.

I think I used the wrong wording. I noticed that she was struggling and I suggested lowering her hours would help. I feel like she is just using the school thing as an excuse cause she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Should I call her and figure out what she's really feeling or would no contact be better. I do not want to sit here with false hope it sucks

It doesn't really matter if she is using it as an excuse --- she wants to take a break from the relationship. "Call her out"???? And how do you figure that would end?

"Girlfriend --- I don't think your failing grades or stress is the reason you want a break. What is the real reason??"

Her: Are you calling me a liar? You want the truth....I just am not feeling it anymore. Forget the break --- make it a break up.

Don't sit there with false hope. Consider it a break up and go NC. She knows how to reach you should she ever change her mind.

that her grades have dropped is a perfectly valid reason to focus on school instead of dating.

a teenager who needs to put in long working hours besides school would be wise to prioritize school and work before a boyfriend.

i don't see how her financial situation or her grades could change over night, so i think you can either

a)break it off now so that she can focus on some very important aspects of her life thouroughly

b)suggest seeing each other and communicating less frequently- provided that that is something you can stick to (that means without nagging or sending 78 texts during her study time or her shift.)

you don't have to wait, you can call her right now if you'd prefer not to sit and wait for a verdict (that has pretty much already been voiced btw).

I know it's a valid reason and I know those things are more important than dating. I just thought since we'd been together for so long and became so close that she wouldn't need a break. I care for her so much and I just thought I could her through this hard time, obviously I would allow her to study and not pressure her to see me, but just be there for her. The fact that she wants a break shows me that she doesn't want me to be there for her though. I know I'm young and this probably seems silly and maybe it is, but I love this girl so much and I just need to know what if anything can salvage this.

No, there really isn't. Some people handle stress by pulling into themselves, others want outside support.

Let her be to handle her issues as she wishes. You didn't do anything to cause this, so there isn't anything you can do to fix it.

You are new here, so you don't know my views on breaks!

Firstly, any break that has no time limit and no rules is completely wrong and unfair. I agree with you that her grades may not be the only reason she wants to take a break. Should you let her? No, not unconditionally. I agree that work and study does need to come first for her and maybe she needs to work much longer hours than you do. That is her prerogative. What is not is for her to be able to keep you hanging on a thread indefinitely while she goes out with other boys.

What I suggest is this:

You see each other once a month

No dating, snogging or sexual contact with others

Once term is over, you both sit down and discuss whether you will continue in the relationship and, if so, any adjustments you need to make. The one thing you will not do is extend the break, it is a straight "yes" or "no"

If she does not agree to this, it is best to make the break permanent. The worst outcome for you is hanging around on a "maybe" for months.

She did say that it was a temporary break. She needs time to think. She thinks this will save us and make us stronger. So many other posts have said to wait for her to contact me. I really want to just call her and get a better understanding of what's going on and try to set some ground rules if necessary. I am just so confused

Peter --- you guys are young. You should be enjoying college and getting to know more about yourself and the world around you. Not sitting and pining over someone who has too much on her plate to be in a relationship.

Talking about it won't change anything. What does she need to "think" about? What she needs to do is focus on her studies.

This isn't going to save you guys or make you stronger. Your relationship isn't the issue. Her response to stress is the issue.

She wants to be able to focus on school and get herself on the right track. I think that she wants to see once she gets adjusted if she still needs or wants me. I guess I'll just have to move on for now, if it's meant to be it'll work out in the end.

She did say that it was a temporary break. She needs time to think. She thinks this will save us and make us stronger. So many other posts have said to wait for her to contact me. I really want to just call her and get a better understanding of what's going on and try to set some ground rules if necessary. I am just so confused

I think you need clarity and asking for it is not being bullying or needy. It is your right. It is also your right to refuse her the break or not agree to what rules she has in mind. However, she and you are both in your rights to make the break permanent if you cannot agree. Right now, you don't know where you are. You have a right to know.

Peter --- you guys are young. You should be enjoying college and getting to know more about yourself and the world around you. Not sitting and pining over someone who has too much on her plate to be in a relationship.

 

Talking about it won't change anything. What does she need to "think" about? What she needs to do is focus on her studies.

 

This isn't going to save you guys or make you stronger. Your relationship isn't the issue. Her response to stress is the issue.

But I think he needs to know whether he's waiting for end of term or the relationship is over for good. I think it would also help her if they know exactly where they stand. I think an indefinite period of limbo is not going to help anyone.

Incidentally, you probably know that I refused to grant my ex-wife a trial separation. I'm not trying to impose my own experiences on others but I just think these breaks do more harm than good. Watch Jerry Springer et al.

She wants to be able to focus on school and get herself on the right track. I think that she wants to see once she gets adjusted if she still needs or wants me. I guess I'll just have to move on for now, if it's meant to be it'll work out in the end.

I think moving on for now is the right idea. There is no limbo. Treat this as a break up, enjoy college. If she comes back one day, you can figure it out then.

I have told her multiple times to lower her hours because she needs to focus on school, but she hasn't. All of a sudden out of nowhere she tells me that we need a break. Apparently she is failing school she told me that she needs a breather to get her life in order and to figure out what she really wants. I figure that she's just using this as an excuse and she isn't happy with us. Or is it exactly what she's saying and she's just stressed.

First up, don't tell her to lower her hours - thats her prerogative. She needs to make money and work hard. You can't control her life, even if you mean well!

Trust me It's hard, I have a natural impulse to try to find solutions but most of the time too but it sounds like she just wants someone to listen. Try listening more.

If she tells you she's stressed - she's stressed. You have to trust that. If she tells you she wants a break - ask what you can do to make things easier. Tell her you care about her and you want to support her, and you respect her decision for space - just ask her where she sees you in that space. Ask her what she needs from you.

Sounds to me like college, work and boyfriend are a lot to deal with at once - and its time she focuses on college / work right now. Give her that space, that time, meanwhile take care of yourself - spend time with friends and do things you love. Don't let stress put distance between you, just give her some time.

If weeks turn into months then I'd consider ending the relationship, you guys are both young so just go with the flow.

I think moving on for now is the right idea. There is no limbo. Treat this as a break up, enjoy college. If she comes back one day, you can figure it out then.

I agree with you on most things but she said "break" and not "break up". I think he should seek clarity. If he assumes "break up", dates someone else then she says term, etc is over and expects to continue the relationship from the same point, there will be trouble. I've seen the aftermath of these breaks a few times too often.

If there is some sort of assumption that a couple will get back together and discuss if they wish to continue the relationship then during the "break" they should not do anything that would jeopardize the continuation of the relationship. I think it is usually better to have a clean break-up. In this case, I see that balancing work, school and boyfriend is causing her some stress. It is reasonable to expect that the stress should subside at the end of term and that would be an excellent time to revisit the relationship to see if it has any future.

As a general rule, though, I agree with you that a "break" should mean a permanent "break-up".

Because she is young and it is easier to say "break'. However, regardless of age, a break is a break up. It is simply one sided and places only one person in limbo.

The person who called it knows exactly what is going on....

And at the end of the term, there will be a Christmas "break" and then the next term will begin.

Because she is young and it is easier to say "break'. However, regardless of age, a break is a break up. It is simply one sided and places only one person in limbo.

The person who called it knows exactly what is going on....

 

And at the end of the term, there will be a Christmas "break" and then the next term will begin.

Which is why I say that any of these "breaks" should have a time limit and the outcome at the end should never be to extend the break.

Maybe I've lived a sheltered life but I never had these "breaks" when dating. My only experience was when my (then) wife asked for a trial separation and I refused.

I have had two "breaks" in my relationship --- one requested by him, the other requested by me 4 yrs later when my mother was dying.

Both times, we treated them as "break ups". That we managed to come back from them, and have vowed to never have another, is a testament to our commitment to each other. They were necessary at the time.

I have had two "breaks" in my relationship --- one requested by him, the other requested by me 4 yrs later when my mother was dying.

 

Both times, we treated them as "break ups". That we managed to come back from them, and have vowed to never have another, is a testament to our commitment to each other. They were necessary at the time.

I'm glad it worked out for you. The most important thing was that you were on the same page. I felt suspicious of my ex wife's motives for calling the "break" and told her that if she slept with anyone else then it was over for good. I also felt that if I slept with anyone else (and I didn't have anyone in mind) that it should be over. I think a lot of "breaks" are requested so someone can keep their current partner on the back burner while trying out someone else. I don't think this treatment is fair at all.

I agree. In neither of our breaks did either of us even date others --- the reasons for the breaks (stress/health/financial) and then death/grief simply precluded it from even being a thought. It wasn't discussed. It didn't need to be.