Do men generally downplay serious relationships to flirt or something more?

For example - I have a close friend. He's attractive in a lot of ways and we've been friends a long time. I know he was once attracted to me and does sometimes pay me compliments. But nothing overt or over the line. He's mentioned his girlfriend to me in the past and I know it's pretty serious.

But as a general rule, when we talk, he doesn't mention her. If I ask what he has been doing with his life, he'll mention different things but won't mention her. One example:

me: Hey friend, I'm going on holiday to X place you went to last year. Where did you stay & would you recommend?

Him: Oh sorry, the place I stayed isn't open to the general public...

You know what I later found out? This place not "open to the general public" is his girlfriend's parents' house! He told me this in person when I asked about it. How bizarre is that?

I've experienced this before. A guy I worked with started asking me to meet in the dead of night without his gf & never spoke about her. He is still with the girl and I think they will likely marry (although he has continued to try and reach me without success for last 3 years). We speak if we bump into each other, but there is otherwise no communication. So, overall do men (and women) tend to do this overwhelmingly because they are slightly bored and want to revel in a fantasy world with you where the OH doesn't exist or could the intent be more serious?

Men and women do this because the particulars are none of your business (the guy who stayed at his gfs family house).

The guy who called you in the dead of night wanted an affair.

So, are you saying it depends on the privacy/openness of that person then and isn't necessarily shady?

I think if it were me I would have said: I stayed at my boyfriend's parents' house, so can't help you there sorry! It would be different if you didn't know the person that well but I think it's strange when you are good friends.

Okay first of all...

1) Your friend has mentioned his gf to you before and you know they are serious. So it's not like he's hiding it. I think his answer to your question was kind of funny. He was under no obligation to say "Oh I stayed at my gf's parents house". I find it answer funny, kind of like a joke. Again, you know that he has a gf, it's not like he's hiding it.

2) Coworker guy is looking for a booty call. Of course he won't mention his gf. Unless you like the idea of having a booty call, don't meet random men in the middle of the night when they ask. Of course he wasn't going to mention his girlfriend, he was looking for some action!

Okay first of all...

 

1) Your friend has mentioned his gf to you before and you know they are serious. So it's not like he's hiding it. I think his answer to your question was kind of funny. He was under no obligation to say "Oh I stayed at my gf's parents house". I find it answer funny, kind of like a joke. Again, you know that he has a gf, it's not like he's hiding it.

 

2) Coworker guy is looking for a booty call. Of course he won't mention his gf. Unless you like the idea of having a booty call, don't meet random men in the middle of the night when they ask. Of course he wasn't going to mention his girlfriend, he was looking for some action!

Hey Fugle. Thanks:

1) Ok, now I realise it could have seemed like a joke rather than fabrication of facts. The issue I have is that when I ask what he has been doing, he will give me detailed answers "I spend my days doing X, Y and Z" and they never include the gf. Other times, when he does mention her, it is to discuss his discontent. When this happens, I can't decide if he is just looking for genuine advice or bad mouthing her for another reason and I sometimes feel uncomfortable. I compare this with another guy I'm friends with (friends with both of them actually) and he always talks about his girlfriend & their life together. He is transparent. I guess...people are different?

2) I never met this guy when he asked. I liked and respected his girlfriend.

I don't downplay my marriage just because I don't "we" people to death. I cannot stand when people focus on their marital status with the constant "my husband" or "we love tacos at __ restaurants" - bringing up the spouse/partner when it's superfluous. I am my own person with my own activities/interests/life. I am also married and part of a couple.

If someone asks you to meet late at night to hang out and he is in a committed relationship he probably is not behaving appropriately. That situation is distinct from someone who chooses not to focus on their marital/attached status in every day conversation.

Your close friend already made it clear that he is romantically and sexually unavailable . Even if he never mentions his gf again, he knows you remember. He may like the attention and whatnot, but he is making it clear that flirting/friendship is where it ends

As for your co worker , I'd stay away from him,he likes to do things behind his gf's back and you are not the only one

Your close friend already made it clear that he is romantically and sexually unavailable . Even if he never mentions his gf again, he knows you remember. He may like the attention and whatnot, but he is making it clear that flirting/friendship is where it ends

 

As for your co worker , I'd stay away from him,he likes to do things behind his gf's back and you are not the only one

Maybe you guys are right. I think this close friend made a mistake last year when he made an explicit sexual comment about "us". He never said it again but I felt disappointed that he would make the suggestion, even jokingly. And since then I have been a bit suspicious.

Because I have encountered a few seemingly decent male friends in my life who have ended up making moves, it has put me on guard a bit when it comes to being friends with men. It has recently had me reflecting how best to be friends with a guy if he's in a relationship, boundaries etc and how to tell if it's pure platonic friendship the guy wants or not. I don't want to feel that way though - as I think both female and male friendships add a lot to our lives. I think not being friends with men just to completely protect myself would be, well, silly...

I agree, it is silly.

You are going to find some men who have appropriate boundaries and others who do not. I've known guys like you've mentioned who still flirt a lot/make sexual advances to others and others who do not.

Ruling out any and all interactions with one sex is not the answer and it's quite limiting, I agree. It's throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The key is find who is respectful and who is not.

I agree, it is silly.

 

You are going to find some men who have appropriate boundaries and others who do not. I've known guys like you've mentioned who still flirt a lot/make sexual advances to others and others who do not.

 

Ruling out any and all interactions with one sex is not the answer and it's quite limiting, I agree. It's throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The key is find who is respectful and who is not.

In one scenario, I was friends with a guy that had been consistently respectful for several years. Out of the blue, he made a sexual advance when I was emotionally vulnerable.

With my close friend, I've recently decided to put some distance between us. It got to a point where we were talking all the time and I wasn't sure if that was respectful when he was in a relationship. I have made a point to spend time more with female friends & single male friends while meeting up with taken male friends only ever so often (and with little to no alcohol involved).

That's a shame that happened to you.

I find that most of the male friends I have are coupled up, and a good way to keep things respectful is to meet the SO and be friendly with them too. I like going on double dates too.

It's the secrecy that is poison. When everything is out in the open and everyone knows about each other and is cool, it's okay.

Some guys will test you, some won't.

There isn't one set rule. One may just want his ego stroked to see if you bite . . the other may not have good intentions.

If a guy friend puts me in this position. .he probably wouldn't be my guy friend any longer.

I don't want to have any part in when a guy friend isn't being respectful to his gf. Because it's often at my expense in some way.

I had a guy friend for years who assured me his new gf knew all about me.

We grabbed a bite to eat one night and I asked where his gf was. . he said `out of town'

I then asked if she knew where he was and he smiled and said `no'.

Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of male friends but their gf's are either my friend as well or they know all about me and the bf's whereabouts.

That's a shame that happened to you.

 

I find that most of the male friends I have are coupled up, and a good way to keep things respectful is to meet the SO and be friendly with them too. I like going on double dates too.

 

It's the secrecy that is poison. When everything is out in the open and everyone knows about each other and is cool, it's okay.

With my close friend, I don't know if his girlfriend knows about me. We've been friends so long I just assume that he has but I really have no idea. At one point my spider sense was tingling and I started to wonder if I was a secret but how do you even bring that up?

Funnily enough double dating is something I've never done. I'm dating casually at the moment but have generally been taking a hiatus due to emotionally fraught time post-relationship. Maybe in the future.

Arg! So sorry this happened to you, that must have been horrible. I think sometimes I am just "on guard" because of past experiences.

With the guy I'm talking about, I know he was attracted to me in the past and in recent times a couple of comments have been made and sometimes he checks me out. One time, he received a text (presumably from gf) and walked into the next room to open it and respond. I found that odd, but maybe I am over-analysing. Sometimes it bugs me that I don't know whether his girlfriend knows we are out together/knows of my existence but then I think you have to trust someone until they are proven unworthy of it for the most part. Most of the time, he's just being a good friend.

Arg! So sorry this happened to you, that must have been horrible. I think sometimes I am just "on guard" because of past experiences.

 

With the guy I'm talking about, I know he was attracted to me in the past and in recent times a couple of comments have been made and sometimes he checks me out. One time, he received a text (presumably from gf) and walked into the next room to open it and respond. I found that odd, but maybe I am over-analysing. Sometimes it bugs me that I don't know whether his girlfriend knows we are out together/knows of my existence but then I think you have to trust someone until they are proven unworthy of it for the most part. Most of the time, he's just being a good friend.

Uuuhhh. . if he's having to take the call in the other room, I am sorry he's not your friend!

Measure him by which you would your other friends. .yes, girls. Not to the same degree where you talk about your cycles. . ha ha

But a real friend wouldn't hide you from his girlfriend.

If you're still not sure, measure him as if he was your bf. How would you prefer your bf to handle his friendly relationships with other girls?

This is what bugged me about my guy friend. I thought to myself that night, "Uhg, I am glad you're not my bf"

Uuuhhh. . if he's having to take the call in the other room, I am sorry he's not your friend!

Measure him by which you would your other friends. .yes, girls. Not to the same degree where you talk about your cycles. . ha ha

But a real friend wouldn't hide you from his girlfriend.

It was odd. But he didn't do it last time we met.

Thing is: how do I know if he's hiding me? I don't. I just have to assume he's the good guy I've always thought he was and also assume I'll meet her someday. Maybe at the wedding...

It was odd. But he didn't do it last time we met.

 

Thing is: how do I know if he's hiding me? I don't. I just have to assume he's the good guy I've always thought he was and also assume I'll meet her someday. Maybe at the wedding...

 

Next time he's with you bring up his gf. Friends talk about these things, right?

Gage his reaction.

If you're still not sure, measure him as if he was your bf. How would you prefer your bf to handle his friendly relationships with other girls?

This is what bugged me about my guy friend. I thought to myself that night, "Uhg, I am glad you're not my bf"

Ha, well, once I had a serious bf who was friends with several girls he worked shifts with. There was one he would never introduce me to but flirt with all the time online & when I asked why, he said I would be "jealous". Well I broke up with him for other reasons later...and now they live together.

Actually, now you mention that, it has annoyed me to hear him being critical of the gf sometimes. I bet she's decent and I wouldn't love it if my bf was talking of me that way. If I had a bf that made the sexually explicit comment to another girl like this guy did to me I would be deeply hurt & question his loyalty. But because it happened once & hasn't occurred again, I'm giving him benefit of the doubt for now.

Ha, well, once I had a serious bf who was friends with several girls he worked shifts with. There was one he would never introduce me to but flirt with all the time online & when I asked why, he said I would be "jealous". Well I broke up with him for other reasons later...and now they live together.

 

Actually, now you mention that, it has annoyed me to hear him being critical of the gf sometimes. I bet she's decent and I wouldn't love it if my bf was talking of me that way. If I had a bf that made the sexually explicit comment to another girl like this guy did to me I would be deeply hurt & question his loyalty. But because it happened once & hasn't occurred again, I'm giving him benefit of the doubt for now.

So you've been on either side now. . I guess you have some things to think about.

You'll figure out what's right for you!

Next time he's with you bring up his gf. Friends talk about these things, right?

Gage his reaction.

Well, recently, he surprised me by bringing her up & was complaining about how her recent behaviour wasn't stuff he was 100% happy with. But don't female friends do this too?

But another time when he sent me an email asking about my life & how I was doing, what my holiday plans were etc. I responded and also asked about his holiday plans with his girlfriend. Well, in his next response he didn't mention her. It was all about how he was stressed and losing the plot. And maybe the people above are correct, not everyone wants to talk about their OHs all the time, but it felt like he was leaving her out of the discussion.

Now my spidey senses are going up. . So why so much worry about this guy?

Now my spidey senses are going up. . So why so much worry about this guy?

Is this the same guy you posted about in an earlier thread?

Now my spidey senses are going up. . So why so much worry about this guy?

I suppose I worry about how I treat this friendship because he's my oldest friend. I think I did post a thread about him a year or so ago. Since then things have changed and we have met up a little bit more frequently than before. I did have feelings for him in the past but gradually found that changing as I changed and dated more - and as I have decided what boundaries I want in my life.

Very recently I decided to put distance between us. But now because other people have said "just because he doesn't talk about her, doesn't mean anything dodgy is going on" I think maybe I've acted a bit too fast over nothing at all.

Men don't, cheaters will. And women won't, but cheaters will.

As to being friends with men I always applied the same standard to them I do to my female friends--is there a good reason to be friends with this person in the first place? That means is there some sort of shared interest beyond just some random guy who starts talking to me online or some coworker who suddenly is uber-attentive. Also with guy friends if they have girlfriends/wives/significant others I will always include them in any plans. I do not and never did go plan things with male friends by ourselves unless I knew the guy really well-ie. childhood friend for instance, and I had heard with my own two ears their partner was cool with it.

I learned to be a tad suspicious of the guys who wanted to befriend me for no good apparent reason, and you know who they are. If you're on a bowling team, and one of your teammates wants tips from you on how to bowl and you strike up a friendship well okay. Cool. If the new guy at work suddenly starts inviting you out after work to the local bar, wants your Facebook page, and is suddenly all over you nope, sorry. That man is not wanting to be "just friends" no matter how much they lie about it.

You also have to have really firm boundaries and yes, ask in the beginning right away who they are with. Something along the lines of, "So when do I get to meet the lovely Mrs. or something like that." I also used to do that as a bit of a test. If they hemmed and hawed or I found they'd lied to me about, presto magico, no more friendship.

And anyone calling me up in the middle of the night demanding I go meet them just got the phone slammed in their ear after a few choice word. I don't do being woken up well and I don't do blatant booty calls at all.

Draw your boundaries, keep the guys at arm's length and realize yeah while it's great to be friends you need to have something in common or a really good reason for that to begin with and they need to be introducing you to their significant others before you let it progress beyond a few jokes at the office or grabbing lunch together in the company cafeteria to discuss how to get the workload done before Christmas holidays.

The minute they cross those boundaries tell them their actions are totally unacceptable and bust them right then and there. Your only response when your male friend made that sexual comment to you should have been a loud, "Hey, that's not cool. You have a girlfriend, there is no us, knock it off if you don't want me as an enemy, got it?" In short be completely intolerant of that crap.

Just because you're a girl doesn't mean you have to stay silent, suck it up, and then stew about it the rest of the time. He was testing boundaries to see if you would be down with letting him disrespect you and his girlfriend. Personally, I'd be dialing back any friendship that did that, male or female.

P.S. While friends do talk about their relationship problems with each other there is a giant difference between a sincere, "I need some advice, how would you handle this?" or even a "As a woman, I would like your opinion on..." AND someone just complaining or hinting that their relationship is on the rocks. The former is a friend sincerely wanting your help. The latter is the player's tried and true, "Create a false sense of intimacy with them and let them think about me being single soon in order to manipulate them into hoping for more." I never met a cheater who didn't want to cry about their relationship problems and I never met one who sincerely asked me for helpful advice on how to fix the relationship.

Your only response to those remarks should be a pithy, "What do I look like, a marriage counselor? If your relationship is in trouble go talk to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/SO about it and leave me out of it. You need to pony up so money and go fix that, son. I'm not your b*tching board."