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Considering Divorce After 10 Months


rov3na

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Quick back story: My husband & I met 4 years ago, instantly became best friends (no benefits), started dating almost 2 years ago & now married. Neither of us have kids. I'm 34, he's 25.

 

We have a great relationship in every way...except financially.

 

In February 2014, we got engaged. We were both living separately with our mom's. March of 2014, his mom died suddenly. He was forced to live with his dad. We moved in together in April of 2014. He started missing work a lot for various reasons...some times without pay, I worked FT. In July 2014, I took short term disability to have my 3rd cancer surgery (I was diagnosed while we were friends & him being there I think helped us fall in love). In August 2014, he left his job. He had teeth issues, ate something crunchy & knew he was on his final warning & quit. He still had about 2k left in the bank from his mom's life insurance policy & I had 70% of my income coming in from disability. We were ok for 2 months or so, he ended up getting a job @ Walmart that he did for 2 weeks but couldn't stand on his feet for that long (he's flat footed with a hunch back). He got a job at a call center in October 2014. I went back to work a week before we got married in November (courthouse wedding). Around that time, I was prescribed a hormone replacement that messed me up so bad, I couldn't function. I left my job after Christmas 2014. We couldn't afford to live at our place, because we were still trying to get caught up.

 

We moved in with my mom in January, got caught up, I got better & went back to work in March 2015. We continued to do well & started making plans to move out & he started having panic attacks. He got on meds, but it still didn't help. He went on short term disability until the middle of June 2015, right before we moved out of my mom's (we had to move, because she was moving). He was confident that he felt better & then the panic attacks started again & he lost his job...and our insurance. I'm still working, but only PT, making $10 an hour. Around that time, my doctor found a serious pretty cancerous spot that I had treated. He found a job soon, but quit after a week because he found a better job. On his 2nd day of work, both of our cars got towed & he lost his job. He finally started another decent job today after 3 months since we've moved. He's nervous that he's going to go right back to having panic attacks once he gets out of training & I am too.

 

Now, we are in dire straits when it comes to money. My parents have helped, but can't anymore. I just got paid Friday and we have literally nothing to last us for the next 2 weeks. I came down with shingles this past weekend because of the stress & my weak immune system. I'm trying to sell off anything we have, but the high dollar WiiU & Xbox he refuses to sell. He is mad that I'm even considering it & won't talk about it. I am clueless on what to do from here.

 

I really do love him, but I don't want to live such an unstable life. I feel like it has done more harm than good for both of us. Should I walk away?

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What has he done that is so terrible in the past 10 months? I read through your post a couple times, and I just see a lot of financial struggles and instability, but wasn't all of that present before you got married?

 

You say you really do love him, and you have a great relationship in every way, yet already you want to bail? Did you not give any weight to the vows to support him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc.

 

With all of this current instability, why would you want to add the tremendous COST and CHAOS of a divorce to your lives?

 

Focus on getting through this challenging time together. Be there for each other, you need each other's support more than ever. Give yourself some time period where you will give your marriage your all. If you eventually walk away, at least you will have given it your best shot. As of now, you haven't given your marriage a chance at all.

 

Good luck

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  • 1 month later...

You both were a mess medically to begin with. Your lives were not stable to begin with. You both also sound like you hadn't lived on your own before. I think that he IS trying - he is getting jobs but is not able to keep them. I don't think its because he is lazy. It sounds like he really has some medical issues. He can't stand for long periods of time. Okay, that is doable. There are many jobs where you sit, or only stand for short periods, or can switch it up between sitting and standing and walking. Actually, sometimes having to walk around at a job is way better than standing there as a cashier or greeter. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses help in the job hunt. His main problem now seems to be anxiety. It is not a matter of 'getting on a med'. Meds can take weeks, months, or even 6-8 months to truly work properly and with that, they need adjustment, depending on what he is on.

 

Also, he really needs talk therapy - maybe someone versued in cognitive behavior, or also someone who will test him to see if he has an actual chemical imbalance, or maybe he has a severe nutrition deficiency as well.

 

I think the xbox might represent one thing that calms him down or the one thing he enjoys as an outlet and that is why he doesn't want to give it up. If he was willing to sell off everything else aside from maybe heirlooms, he might not be refusing to give it up for status reasons. Honestly, as he gets help and is less anxious or your situation is less overwhelming he may be fine with giving it up.

 

I don't think you should divorce. I think you should be there for your husband like he was there caring for you during the worst of cancer and you should support him and help him find ways to help him. There is no abuse, gambling, drinking - you are both are as you were before saying "I do." You aren't exactly raking in the dough while he sits on the sofa.

 

I don't think its fair to say he is not honoring his vows. You guys are in this together.

 

I would come up with a 6 month plan. Maybe in that plan, you carpool with eachother to work to not have to gas up two cars or afford to cars on the road for a time, you have a target of finding him some help, and not expecting it to work overnight, and you figure out how together to cut expenses and to get back on your feet. If that means living with mom or finding the tiniest apartment out there, that's what it is. If your income in fixed (disability), well, that's a start to work with. If you can come up with where you want to be in 6 months or a year and figure out how to get there, you will both feel you are working together.

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I feel like I've been giving him chances & trying to make it work. I believe in the vows that I took, but he didn't. How far should I fall before saving myself. Thank you for taking the time to analyzing my problem, I feel so lost.

 

Vows include "in sickness and in health." Depending on the vows you use, for richer or for poorer is in there somehow. They don't include "you will be able to always find stable employment" "your car will never be towed," etc

 

What do you mean by "how far should I fall?" divorcing doesn't put you on a higher income bracket. You will face the similar challenges of living on a fixed income, having your car towed, etc,..the grass is sometimes greener, but you chose this man and you married him for his kindness, not for his big wallet.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Let me preface the meat of my reply by saying that I'm older than you (I'm early 40s), I've lived on my own as a very young woman, and In my current situation I made about 35-40% more money than my husband, which was fine by me. When we were dating, we had an absolute blast. He would protest that I shouldn't insist on paying to upgrade our vacations, etc. I thought that was so gentlemanly.

 

I married him. Things were fine for several months, then a chronic heart condition I was born with began causing me to have symptoms like tiredness, shortness of breath, etc. I had to begin taking several medications. While I still have a great job, I no longer take on extra work (which I really only did for fun and to occupy myself because my husband worked odd hours). That extra work amounted to about 10-12k per year, which, again, thankfully, really didn't take any financial toll on us.

 

Around that time my husband also commented that I wasn't "as lively" as I'd always been. What? I had a sick day once in a while but nothing terrible. Eventually, in his own awful words, it came out that he didn't want to be married to a sick person or someone who couldn't make a living! I almost laughed in his face if I weren't so hurt. He knew all about my heart issues and had even been to the doctor with me. He also knew that even if I were to cut back even further on my work (which would be unlikely), I'd still make more money than him. And those were HIS horrible character flaws, not mine. I initially wanted to go to counseling with him, but now? Well, I just can't believe I married such a .

 

I'm certainly not calling you a jerk, but if you cannot see yourself with a person who has potential health issues or financial problems and you can't work through those, then don't string the guy along. Let him out before he invests more time in you, and go find someone more suitable for you. I do hope that you realize all of us are a sneeze away from lifelong health issues, and that while financial responsibility is important, it really hurts when someone seems to be super hung up on the other's wallet, especially at a young age.

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