Jump to content

I didn't expect to like him as much as I do


emmajane1987

Recommended Posts

Hello all.

 

I am in a bit of a confusing situation with a "friend with benefits" and wanted a bit of advice.

 

First of all to fill in a bit of background here to maybe help get better advice. I'm 35 and don't have any problems with getting dates but have been dating a few years now without meeting anyone I really liked enough. I don't sleep with men I am dating until I feel a connection or a future, so have really been not sleeping with anyone for quite a long time and admittedly have gotten a bit lonely.

 

For the past year a younger man, 28, has been asking me out and I have been saying "no" because of the age gap. I am his crush I suppose and he's been quietly determined because he has felt there was something between us. He's honest, caring and a good guy who doesn't sleep around and perhaps is not the best with women. In the time I have known him he's not dated anyone else. Over that time though I guess we became quite close as friends and one thing led to another and in a moment of weakness I ended up in bed with him.

 

It was amazing. The best experience I have ever had, which is totally unexpected, and because it was so great we have carried on doing it. It's been going on a few weeks now and I really didn't expect to like him, but suddenly I do.

 

I have sent him very confusing and mixed signals from the get go. I let him know due to his age he could never have a relationship with me and have said that multiple times. I have pushed him away quite a few times, blown hot and cold on him, and whenever he has asked me to do things with him (like meet his friends) I have kind of laughed him down due to the age gap.

 

What I have realised though, is that despite the complications, I do want a relationship with him.

 

He's also sending me very confusing and mixed signals which has made it hard for me to feel like I can tell him how I feel. He was clear from the beginning he was not ready for marriage, children or a full blown serious relationship (he's still training in his profession and has a crazy, stressful life and no money and feels he needs to sort it out to have something to offer). At the same time though he's incredibly affectionate, he wants to cook for me, spend the day kissing on the couch and watching movies, he wants to help fix things in my house and he wants me to meet his friends and all that stuff.

 

I am just struggling now a lot with what feels like blurred lines between a friend with benefits and a relationship. I have never done FWB before, but I am pretty sure we get too intimate / close for it to be quite so simple with no attachment and I have formed an attachment.

 

What I am trying to decide is wether or not I should walk away now, as he's clearly said he's not in a place to have a full blown relationship; or whether I should continue as we are, spend more time together and let him know how I feel and hope he feels the same?

 

I am finding it quite hard to maintain the status quo. I don't really know how to behave in between meetings. It's confusing to feel attached in this way without it being a relationship.

Link to comment
  • Replies 75
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I know I overthink.

 

I suppose uually when I take that leap of faith it's not on someone who's told me from day one that they were not looking for a serious relationship.

 

I think the advice is good though...I just sometimes worry if I am not putting myself into a situation that will only end in tears.

Link to comment

You are the one blurring the lines --- not him. FWB can have intimacy -- just no commitment. Many people think that a FWB arrangement is akin to hiring a professional, and that it only exists for the sex.

 

As you can see, he can be affectionate and caring. He just doesn't want all of the responsibilities of "being in a relationship". If you are becoming "too attached", then you should end it for your sake.

Link to comment
Hello all.

 

I am in a bit of a confusing situation with a "friend with benefits" and wanted a bit of advice.

 

First of all to fill in a bit of background here to maybe help get better advice. I'm 35 and don't have any problems with getting dates but have been dating a few years now without meeting anyone I really liked enough. I don't sleep with men I am dating until I feel a connection or a future, so have really been not sleeping with anyone for quite a long time and admittedly have gotten a bit lonely.

 

Clearly you are either too picky or you are doing SOMETHING wrong.

 

 

 

For the past year a younger man, 28, has been asking me out and I have been saying "no" because of the age gap. I am his crush I suppose and he's been quietly determined because he has felt there was something between us. He's honest, caring and a good guy who doesn't sleep around and perhaps is not the best with women. In the time I have known him he's not dated anyone else. Over that time though I guess we became quite close as friends and one thing led to another and in a moment of weakness I ended up in bed with him.

 

Good guy who doesn't sleep around......but ends up sleeping around with you. hmm

 

It was amazing. The best experience I have ever had, which is totally unexpected, and because it was so great we have carried on doing it. It's been going on a few weeks now and I really didn't expect to like him, but suddenly I do.

 

I have sent him very confusing and mixed signals from the get go. I let him know due to his age he could never have a relationship with me and have said that multiple times. I have pushed him away quite a few times, blown hot and cold on him, and whenever he has asked me to do things with him (like meet his friends) I have kind of laughed him down due to the age gap.

 

What I have realised though, is that despite the complications, I do want a relationship with him.

 

He's also sending me very confusing and mixed signals which has made it hard for me to feel like I can tell him how I feel. He was clear from the beginning he was not ready for marriage, children or a full blown serious relationship (he's still training in his profession and has a crazy, stressful life and no money and feels he needs to sort it out to have something to offer). At the same time though he's incredibly affectionate, he wants to cook for me, spend the day kissing on the couch and watching movies, he wants to help fix things in my house and he wants me to meet his friends and all that stuff.

 

I am just struggling now a lot with what feels like blurred lines between a friend with benefits and a relationship. I have never done FWB before, but I am pretty sure we get too intimate / close for it to be quite so simple with no attachment and I have formed an attachment.

 

What I am trying to decide is wether or not I should walk away now, as he's clearly said he's not in a place to have a full blown relationship; or whether I should continue as we are, spend more time together and let him know how I feel and hope he feels the same?

 

I am finding it quite hard to maintain the status quo. I don't really know how to behave in between meetings. It's confusing to feel attached in this way without it being a relationship.

 

YOU are the gate keeper, not him.

 

YOU allow everything around you to happen (sex etc), he just goes along.

 

Whenever you get intimate with anyone or spend significant amount of time with them, feeling will grow. Nature. Very few people out there can do all that and be completely dis attached/ no feelings.

 

I'm gonna suggest you step back and take it slow. You do NOT know this man and know sparks are flying and all but be careful! I would really pay attention to the details/red flags for next few months.

 

And his words do NOT match his actions. Unless you are just assuming things about him. You said he doesn't sleep around, yet he did.

 

Also, due to his "not ready for relationship" words, I would safely assume he has other ladies like you on the side as well. The whole, no money sounds concerning as well....

Link to comment
What I am trying to decide is wether or not I should walk away now, as he's clearly said he's not in a place to have a full blown relationship; or whether I should continue as we are, spend more time together and let him know how I feel and hope he feels the same?

 

My take on this is, when someone tells you they're not in a place to have a relationship, you should listen carefully rather than throw caution to the wind in the hopes that they'll change their mind. Of course this is your own personal choice, but there are tons of threads on this forum where other posters thought they'd be the exception to the rule, yet were left empty handed.

 

I would give this more thought before you get in over your head.

Link to comment
He was clear from the beginning he was not ready for marriage, children or a full blown serious relationship (he's still training in his profession and has a crazy, stressful life and no money and feels he needs to sort it out to have something to offer).

 

It's not the fact there's a tiny age gap. It's the fact he's telling you outright, it's just FWB, and won't grow to anything else. You are 35 - I wouldn't waste my precious years with this late bloomer.

Link to comment

A lot of people are raising both sides of the way my mind is split.

 

On the one hand why not try it and see what happens?

 

On the other hand why even continue sleeping with someone who says outright they don't want to commit?

 

I also know I am the one moving the goalposts here and that's kind of unfair.

 

DoF, I think the point I was trying to make in this post is that a woman dating a younger man who wants no commitment makes a certain impression in the readers head right before you begin. That impression in this case is kind of misleading.

 

He's not some 28 year old stud. He's kind of dorky, skinny, balding, was hurt badly by his childhood sweetheart and has thrown himself into work. He's quiet, mild mannerred, no player. Yes he does want casual sex with me, but no that doesn't mean he has 10 other people on the go because he's not the type of guy who could pull that off even if he wanted. If anything...he's kind of a little arkward and not very experienced. I think that was what I was trying to say.

 

Maybe I am picky or doing something wrong. I have dated a couple of guys for a few months who I liked a lot; but I didn't feel love for them. I have also dated liars, scumbags, a hidden cross dresser, cheats, someone who was married and pretending he wasn't and it's been quite tiring to go through the dating scene to be honest.

 

I lost my fiance a few years ago, due to an accident, so I was in no rush to marry the first guy who came along and wanted someone I felt trust and closeness to and for whatever reason this 28 yar old is the only one so far.

 

Yeah...what I am really hoping is that he spends more time with me and changes his mind. This might be a pipe dream, which is what I am trying to figure out. I do find the FWB difficult - but I entered into it based on being lonely - still missing my fiance - and a feeling that this 28 year old, for whatever the heck reason makes me feel not lonely when he is around me - and no other man has managed to do that.

Link to comment

I recommend this:

 

Live each moment without a worry about the next one. You both are learning a lot from one another. One day, you may look back and realize you've accumulated a long string of moments.

 

You may not be each others last; but you may be each other right now. Sometimes right now lasts for years.

 

Enjoy what you have, continue to be honest. Don't say I want a relationship - that sounds like pressure. LIVE your relationship.

Link to comment
I do find the FWB difficult

 

Think of this way, if he told you he couldn't hang out this Saturday because he was going on a date, would you be okay with that? Because that's what FWB situations permit. You lost someone so near and dear, dreamed a future with, and planned to marry. Of course it's not like throwing stones that you meet the one shortly after. I mean, you want sex, this is a great scenario. But if you are already starting to like him, cut it short! Because it will not end well. He has your number, and when his mind is in the right place, he can call you then. He's not going to grow, and move into a ready position with you, since you're already giving him the milk for free.

Link to comment

"I think the advice is good though...I just sometimes worry if I am not putting myself into a situation that will only end in tears."

 

-, This you DO have to be careful about.

Since you admit you are starting to have 'feelings'? I suggest you seriously reconsider what you're doing.

Women are the one's who DO end up getting more emotionally involved. Not men. It's easier for them, usually to just pick up n go.

Sure.. it's been fun... BUT, when it all comes down to it.. you're wanting much more in it, when he's already admitted he isn't in it for a relationship and you're now acting like you are?

 

Do think again with this..... it's your heart.. it's your Life.

Link to comment

Yes, I'm scared I am going to get batterred here.

 

He had the "exclusivity talk" with me and said he won't be seeing anyone else. That he just wants it to be us. That he doesn't want me to date anyone else, but he understands he can't stop me.

 

To me it does feel a little like blurred lines, on both sides, not just mine.

 

I feel like he wants the bits of a girlfriend he can cope with, wants me to meet his friends and spend weekends away with him and time together but he also wants to be able to keep a part of himself aside.

 

I get the feeling he has been very badly hurt in the past. It was the first thing he told me about when we met. However, I've also been badly hurt and lost a lot in my life and don't want anymore pain.

 

He has told me that if we fell in love, he would want a relationship and that we would find a way. He says I think too much, and should just enjoy spending time together and see where we are at.

 

It just feels inside me head like I struggle to have 50% intimacy (the sex, the dates, the cuddling, the talks, the support) and 50% not intimacy (sometimes don't know where he is, sometimes we don't talk for a day or two).

 

If I am honest I think he is also lonely, also scared and maybe the first step is probably for me to choke on my words and just let him know that despite everything I have said, I would consider a future with him. Last time we were in bed he told me he felt like it was more thn just sex and he asked me how much older he would have to be for me to consider him as a boyfriend, and I said 3 or 4 years. So I haven't really given him the full information.

 

Maybe try that and guage his reaction to it.

 

To be honest, we are three weeks only into this, and after another 3 - 4 weeks I think I will have to break it off because I just WILL get attached.

Link to comment
He says I think too much, and should just enjoy spending time together and see where we are at.

 

 

The fact that he said this, coming from a guy who clearly was able to say he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, and won't be able to, RUN!! He's had plenty of time to think about that. This is also his way of saying, hey, if it doesn't work out, I already told you so.

 

So you've only known him for 3 to 4 weeks, or you've been sleeping with him for the past 3 to 4 weeks? If it's the former, FWB is not for you.

Link to comment

I don't agree with the others. I dnot understand what you expect. You have told each other you will be exclusive sexually and in terms of dating. So... what commitment is missing?

He had the "exclusivity talk" with me and said he won't be seeing anyone else. That he just wants it to be us. That he doesn't want me to date anyone else, but he understands he can't stop me.

Link to comment

I think he is protecting himself because YOU started out saying that you would never consider dating him! I mean, at this point why should he commit to anything? As far as he's concerned, for you he's good enough to screw but not good enough to date. Start off by just being honest with him and telling him you made a mistake about the age thing, and that your feelings have changed.

Link to comment
I think he is protecting himself because YOU started out saying that you would never consider dating him! I mean, at this point why should he commit to anything? As far as he's concerned, for you he's good enough to screw but not good enough to date. Start off by just being honest with him and telling him you made a mistake about the age thing, and that your feelings have changed.

 

And I'm confused - there is a commitment best I can tell.

Link to comment

I know that he has said he definitely did not want a relationship, but I also said the same and have changed my mind.

 

I know we have a partial commitment, as in to date each other and enjoy it. He says he wants this to last for as long as it can.

 

I think I need to tell him that my opinion has altered, so maybe he can do his own thinking.

 

I want to be his girlfriend, not his FWB

Link to comment

First of all this does not sound like fwb territory to me at all. He has pursued you for a year and wants you to meet his friends? I think you have both been spending a lot of time putting up road blocks and now you are both probably very confused. You have pushed him away for a year, of course he is going to be guarded. And now, your feelings are changing...

 

If I were you, I would tell him that you are enjoying how things are developing between you, that it doesn't feel like an fwb situation, and that you are interested in seeing how things play out. See what he says. If he says he doesn't want a relationship then you need to make a decision if you are going to stick around and be content with getting less than what you want. If he says "yes, lets see how it goes" then off you go...

Link to comment
I know that he has said he definitely did not want a relationship, but I also said the same and have changed my mind.

 

I know we have a partial commitment, as in to date each other and enjoy it. He says he wants this to last for as long as it can.

 

I think I need to tell him that my opinion has altered, so maybe he can do his own thinking.

 

I want to be his girlfriend, not his FWB

 

I don't think you are an fwb.

 

I would never ever tell an fwb that I won't be seeing anyone else. Nor would I ever ask anyone else not to see other people. He did exactly what I would my man to do in expressing commitment - "for me it's only you. I'll not ask you to say the same - unless you want to of course - but I'm already there, just so you know."

 

What do you want from him? To know where he is all the time? Who cares? He's at the library. He is home vegging and taking a break from talking to anyone. He is out with pal for a beer after class. So what? He isn't seeing anyone else. He doesn't want fwb. What more do you want?

Link to comment

Be careful with the word "relationship". The two of you are clearly freaked out about the responsibility of being in a relationship, yet you each already are fulfilling that responsibility.

 

Tell him you like what's unfolding. Then keep going. There no guarantees in life, ever. Be honest to him and to yourself. That's the most you can do.

Link to comment

I agree with IThink, I would not use the word "relationship" as I mentioned in my post. Funny, when I was writing that message I was thinking "this is not the situation to use the term girlfriend" but it is not the time for the word "relationship" either. I would stick with "seeing how things play out..."

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...