Boyfriend does drugs? What do I do?

Hi,

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend of around 8 months and we get on like a house on fire. The problem is that our views towards drugs are completely incompatible.

When we first got together, he told me that when he was younger he used to take/use drugs quite frequently and that now (21), he only takes them occasionally. I told him then that I was against drug use and that if he was to take any, it was to be when he wasn't with me (and not due/coming to see me) and that it would only be occasionally to which he agreed. I didn't want to end a fresh relationship because he used recreational drugs from time to time. Over the next five months, he told me about a few times that he had done drugs when with friends and I appreciated his honesty. Each time seemed sporadic and he assured me that it was only a small amount.

We're now 8 months in and after going to his after work, he was chilling in his room with his housemates and we all ended up chatting and having a couple of drinks. They're great people but very much into drugs and after about half an hour, they got some drugs round and started to make lines to snort. At this point, I felt quite uncomfortable as the only non-user in the room... It was made worse when my boyfriend then did a line in front of me. It was crushing but I didn't want to say anything at the time for fear of embarrassing myself or him in front of his housemates. After they had gone to bed, I told him how angry I was with him and we ended up talking about the situation. He told me about times that he had done drugs previously (that I was unaware of) and that in the right place and with the right people, he could be taking drugs twice a week. I'm worried that being around his new housemates might make him more likely to do drugs more often. I felt betrayed as he has always been honest previously.

I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend that tells him to stop but I'm finding it so stressful. He insists he knows how much to take when he does use it and that I shouldn't be worried about OD'ing and addiction and puts it down to our different backgrounds as to why we have the views that we do. I feel like we've both worked too hard at the relationship to end it over this but I need to do something because I keep snapping at him and getting irritated over little things and it's putting a real strain on the time that we spend together.

I would really appreciate any help or advice.

You can't control someone. So you need to decide whether his drug use is a dealbreaker for you or not. It definitely would be for me, but everyone is different. But that's who he is.

Drug abuse, whether legal or illegal, casual or other, is unacceptable. Stick to your beliefs in this. You're not going to change him - he has to do that himself. If you've seen the number of people that have died or ruined there lives that I have (to include my own siblings)... you would dump this addict in a flash. I'm sorry for your situation, but he's not going to change just for you. He proved this to you when he did his "line" right in front of you.

He's not going to stop because you dont like it. He DOES like it and you have no idea what he's doing when you aren't around. If you want a drug addict for a boyfriend, then you've got the right guy. He may get into some bad stuff, there are no guarantee he'll always be lucky with good stuff, or he may find himself in jail with a record. Is this really what you want?

If he wasn't even able to stick to the agreement he made with you not to do drugs around you, it is highly unlikely he will stop using them. Think about it - he presumably cares about you, he knew it would make you uncomfortable, and he had made a prior agreement with you about it - and he STILL couldn't say no to a couple of lines. That's addict behavior.

And before you start thinking, "I can fix him if I'm supportive enough, he has an illness, etc.", read up on addiction and codependency and enabling behavior, if you haven't already been exposed to that information.

Also, coke ain't no joke. It's pretty addictive, and if you have a bunch of people in a house living together who all do it, they're going to wind up doing it often.

He will not stop unless he decides he wants to. Most addicts refuse help and think they do not have a problem when other people suggest it, it's only when they hit absolute rock bottom or when they decide they need help that it actually happens.

Coke has an addiction rate of 10% - 20%. Alcoholism has a 15% prevalence among drinkers, just for reference.

You admit to chatting and having a couple drinks. You were using drugs. It was his room. He can do as he pleases there. If you don't like being around drugs, don't be in his room while he's doing them. You're free to venture elsewhere.

The guy admitted his use to you at the beginning. Did you think if this went long-term, you'd never be exposed to his usage? When/if ever you were to share a home, you'd better believe he's going to want to partake witin it.

Personally, there are drugs I don't approve of, tobacco being the biggest one. I don't date cigarette smokers. If you don't want to date coke users, more power to you. But have the courage to enforce your standards.

This is how you handle that situation that went down at his house:

Stand up, kiss him on the forehead, say

Hey baby its been great to hang out with you. I gotta roll. Love you! Bye guys (the friends), see yall soon!

And then let yourself out with a smile on your face and in your heart. His choice/your choice both are respected, and there is no drama.

Now you know that he cannot stick to what you were comfortable with. You might get along great but you have to decide whether you also get along great with a guy on drugs and are willing to risk harm (physical/emotional/legal). Personally I think it was a bit unrealistic in this situation to expect him to stick to "recreational" drug use. But now you know and luckily you two are not married or financially tied, etc.

Now you know that he cannot stick to what you were comfortable with. You might get along great but you have to decide whether you also get along great with a guy on drugs and are willing to risk harm (physical/emotional/legal). Personally I think it was a bit unrealistic in this situation to expect him to stick to "recreational" drug use. But now you know and luckily you two are not married or financially tied, etc.

The deal you made was no drugs when you are with me.

In this case, its a weird nuance, but it was really you with him - his friends, his hang. There are boundaries that need to remain between you so that he can hang with his friends as he would like from time to time, and you hang with your as you would like from time to time. So long as your stance on the use of illegal substances continue to be mutually exclusive, you will need to maintain this boundary and to remember that it is not a reflection of his affection for you or otherwise about you in any way. In my view, you didn't learn anything new here. You never intended to ask him to CHOOSE between you and doing lines with his buddies. You just said, not when I'm around. Well - he did it while you were around, but it wasn't a date. Just leave.

Your actions need to be consistent with your words.

My instincts OP are this:

This is what you said:

Babe, I said what you do is cool with you, but I don't want to be a part of it, so just not when I'm around.

when you really meant:

I won't go out with anyone who does drugs of any kind, ever. I hate to let this go because I dig you, but that is how it is and I have to be true to myself.

OP if this is true, you hung on in the beginning because of lust and a sense that it wouldn't last anyway, or whatever reason. But now here you are. Time to say this:

Babe, I dig you. However, I let this go further than I meant to. The truth is, I just can't invest any further in a relationship with pot or coke around, or even lots of drinking. It's cool when its my friends, I just do something else, but when I start to really get involved with someone, its harder for me to deal with. I need to break up with you. I will need a little time by myself to adjust, but I've no hard feelings.

OP, I say just kick this guy to the curb and find someone else. What a ridiculous and bad habit to put up with someone when there are so many other good guys out there. Unfortunately people like him have to hit rock bottom before they decide to change, you aren't going to make him do that and even if he doesn't do it around you, he will do it by himself.