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I've had strong feelings for years that won't go away.


Laurel95

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I don't know if anybody believes in having a soul connection with somebody, but I do.

I have to ask myself if I'm just being silly and childish. Him and I met 5 years ago, we were young and immature, but I instantly had really strong feelings for this person. He has had a special place in my heart since the day I met him. No guy I've ever met since has been able to replace that. I even ruined my first serious relationship because I thought I had a chance to be with him again. No one I've ever met could make me choose them over him...but then again, I'm still young. I have a lot to see and learn still. But why? Why did this person have such an affect on my heart? Why does he constantly pop up in my life to remind me of how I feel about him, to reawaken my feelings and desires about him, just to disappear? I have had so many vivid dreams about him wanting me again and how happy it makes me feel. He inspires me to be greater, more creative, more innovative, more confident, more outgoing, etc. I admire his character and his love makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. But this person comes in to my life at the most coincidental of times just to rock my mind and make me confused all over again, usually just when I'm beginning to be okay with not having him. I have such a strong attraction and pull towards this person. For years, I have not been able to shake him. What does this all mean?

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Sounds like an ongoing crush? Like a fantasy that will never be?

I know of someone like that, I fancy.. but will never happen. I just put it all to the back of my mind and move along.

We have to live in reality.. dont ya think??

 

" I even ruined my first serious relationship because I thought I had a chance to be with him again"

0 It's too bad this happened. Not a good thing.

Do YOU honestly think you'd ever end up with him?

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I don't believe in soul connections and soulmates. But I do believe that you can love a person very deeply and more than others. Especially if you do NOT have a relationship with that person. As long as a person stays at arms length your mind can hide the flaws and jealousy, boredom and bad habits stay hidden or cant even develop. When you see a person every day this attraction you have will losen up. Some days it will be there and some days it won't.

 

Plus you're still young as you say so yourself so I think you haven't experienced how your mind plays games with you, how wrong your heart can be for yourself. Sometimes what you desire isn't necessarily good for you. Sometimes attraction is there like a drug. It gives you high peaks but very low valley's too. Be aware of the danger these sort of attractions can get you in. Because whatever this person does to you you might cover it up with thinking 'but this is my soulmate.'

 

When I was 16 I met a guy I fell head over heels for. And for complicated reasons we never could really get into a relationship. He was bad news, I could see it from miles away but he loved me. We had lot of contact on and off for three years. We both couldn't shake each other off even though we had other relationships going on sometimes. But I knew nothing good would come out of it so I broke our contact off when I was 19. I got a somewhat happy relationship and kids. Then four or five years later we suddenly had contact again. He wondered how I was doing. My relationship got very bad and he felt safe to talk to. We instantly had this connection again. But after a few months of contact I could see that this was just my brain on drugs. I could see he was not really my soul connection, he wasn't a good man and yes he was good for me and yes he had the best intentions. But no, we would never be happy with each other in a real relationship. When one of us needs to do the dishes, another get the groceries or clean the kitchen and the toilet. We would have fights over such boring things. We were a good match at some points and definitely had the best intentions. But no ground for getting into the boring routine of running a household together. There needs to be more than just attraction. You need to feel there can be a foundation made with this guy for a day to day life.

 

Why aren't you in a relationship with him?

 

I'm a few years further now. Out of my gone bad relationship and into a new one. And I saw this guy again (we live in the same neighbourhood and passed on the street) and we hugged and asked the normal things. And I was extremely happy for seeing him again. And seeing that he was happy, in a loving relationship so he said and I guess we both could see and feel we finally moved on. We still like each other. But there is nothing more to it.

 

You're not going to meet anyone like him. That's ok, just remind yourself that it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

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Him and I have never been in a relationship because even after our great times together that make it seem like we like each other a lot, he never makes a real move. I'll end up asking him what's going on but I just get the vibe that he doesn't want anything serious with me. Though when we are together, he seems so interested and flirty and into me. I've never even had sex with this person because he's never done anything to prove that he'll actually be there the next day. Nothing ever gets serious because no one makes the effort to make it real. I feel like I've embarrassed myself enough over the years trying to make my feelings known so I put the ball in his court now. Just a few days ago, he saw me out and he pulled me in and kissed me. I went home with him and we cuddled and kissed all night and laughed about our past being crazy kids and everything we've been through, from him skateboarding miles to my house to getting kicked out by my dad for not shaking his hand, from the first time we met and how much fun we've had...he woke up and kissed me right away, cuddling with me and being sweet. But I'll never hear from him. It's happened so many times.

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If he gave me a reason to trust him, I would...if he ended up actually wanting to be with me, I would. He's not the kind of person to commit but he's also just a year older than me and he's young and overwhelmed and doesn't want just one thing. I get it. I just wonder if one day down the road we'd ever make it work.

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I am not very young anymore but I know what you are talking about.

 

One man appears and all bells and lights and whistles are going, sunshine spreads in a heart and the music rings in your ears. Then another GOOD and CONVENIENT man appears and nothing is going on except of the forceful thinking - oh, this one is good for me. He will do dishes! He will walk the dog! He will fix the light in he living room.

 

But then again the first man appears and you forget about dishes, the dog, to light in the living room and even if you remember it - you think - omg, why does it even matter??? Who said that I even want the dog?

 

Unfortunately, this is one topic that I do not know the answer to. I experienced what you do and I do not know how to make it go away, because for me it rarely did. Basically the only way is to stop seeing this person completely with the guarantee that he will not pop up. After this you will go through a grieving period and little by little you will recover your ability to enjoy life. But there will be a hole in your heart forever because of this feeling. At least that how it is for me.

 

Twice I acted on this feeling and had r/s. Both r/s did not survive time. The fact that I had r/s did not change anything in how I felt.

 

I think for you the only way is to accept it, write poems, paint, express your feelings in something creative.

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I know this person isn't perfect, and it's not a fantasy because he does like me to a certain extent and has for the last 5 years. He's not using me for sex because we've never had sex. I just keep waiting for him to actually make a more serious move one day. We're 20 and 21, it's not like I'm a 45 year old woman desperately hoping for somebody to pop the question. I'm just wondering if one day he'll ever grow up and get serious about me since we always end up finding each other and reconnecting in unexpected ways. But I guess I'm just being crazy and unrealistic and that if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

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Man-boys don't grow up until they are well into their 40's and their charm has worn off.

 

He likes the way he can keep you unbalanced, and he comes and goes like a butterfly.

 

Just remember, the days/weeks/months he isn't with you ---- he isn't alone. He has a host of women who feel the same way, and he flitters from one to the next.

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Alright, I think I get it now. This person will never feel the same way or commit to me so I'm hopeless until I maybe find somebody I feel stronger about.

 

No, you're stuck as long as you continue to feed the fantasy of what it would be like to have this guy and continue to reject all the guys you haven't spent years convincing yourself are better than they are.

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Alright, I think I get it now. This person will never feel the same way or commit to me so I'm hopeless until I maybe find somebody I feel stronger about.

 

You aren't hopeless or helpless. YOU are in control of your emotions. I suggest the next time Butterfly Boy shows up, you tell him you are busy.

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Also because it's safe -you can pine away at a distance and you know you'll never have to deal with the nitty gritty reality of him because he does not want to be with you. Much harder to love - in an active way -within a serious relationship. It's not about finding someone you feel more strongly about -it's about feeling more strongly about your availability for a committed relationship and your availability to give love to someone without needing to have that person on a pedestal and without the thrill of the chase. Become the right person to find the right person.

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I have given people the time of day, I even dated somebody for a couple years because I told myself I needed to give somebody a chance and stop pining away for somebody who doesn't want me. It's not that I just shut everybody down and put him on a pedestal, I genuinely just have really strong feelings for him that I haven't had with anybody else yet...oh well. Guess life is tough.

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I have given people the time of day, I even dated somebody for a couple years because I told myself I needed to give somebody a chance and stop pining away for somebody who doesn't want me. It's not that I just shut everybody down and put him on a pedestal, I genuinely just have really strong feelings for him that I haven't had with anybody else yet...oh well. Guess life is tough.

 

Would you like it if someone dated you because "I need to give this person a chance"? Dating is hard enough without having that mindset -sure, it's very healthy to give someone a chance at first if you are on the fence but staying involved with someone you're "giving a chance" isn't fair to either of you. Your feelings are genuine and strong -your reaction to them shows me that you're not ready for a serious, committed relationship because you are choosing to react by closing yourself off to other opportunities, in part because it's easier and safer to tell yourself that it's because your feelings are strong rather than that it's scary to be vulnerable and scary to do the work of a real relationship where the strong feelings aren't constantly washing over you -where you have to give love to an actual person with his flaws/day to day stuff, etc.

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Laurel, I do know what you're talking about. Like I said I did experience it and truth be told I dont think you'll ever be totally over him until you find someone that does wants to commit to you AND you fall in love with that person. It will happen, it happened to me at least. But yes, this guy won't be your best bet and even if he suddenly, after five years, wants to commit I think you will have serious trust isseus because he kept you waiting for this long.

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I was very vulnerable in my first relationship, I really did give my all to this person and put so much time, energy, and love into it. But at the end of the day, even when I thought we were happy together, once "butterfly boy" came around it was like the feelings didn't even compare. I'm open to meeting new people...I WISH somebody would come around and give me that same feeling that I had when I first met him. We had chemistry, we clicked, and he did want to be with me at the time but I messed it up by being too eager and young and dramatic about everything. After all this time, I still feel like I messed up. And we still see each other and have that some chemistry but nothing flourishes. Ugh. It's so hard, I'm really not trying to be stubborn and close-minded. It's just something I've never been able to shake and I've never been able to get answers.

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It's kind of scary though thinking about how my first relationship was doomed before it started. My intention going into it was, "I need to get over him...I need a real boyfriend, I need to make some moves and get on with my life." I tried and tried to make things work with my first boyfriend, I really did put my all into it. But at the end of the day, I got into it for the wrong reasons until the person who motivated me to get into the relationship was the one who broke us apart. Funny how things happen like that.

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