Need honest advice.

My bf and I broke up because he was sexting a female on his private whatsapp and she had the proof and messaged me it. Besides this, a few lies came out where he wasnt totally truthful a few times. He told half truths and although it didnt destroy us, it still makes me wonder what else he could hide if he hid very small details of stories.

Our whole relationship was based on mutual love and trust. I never had reason to not believe him, so I overall felt safe. The sexting literally ripped me and shattered our trust.

Since that day my bf did everything to prove hes all for me and it was ONE mistake. He changed his phone number next day, deleted like every girl on his social media, deleted apps, deleted contacts etc. He gave me his phone password. He apologized to my family even because he wanted it to be all right. He truly showed me hes in this. I accepted him back due to his changes but obv I dont believe him yet. Have to see more .

Fast forward to a few weeks now. Our relationship has been rocky. I cant get passed it. I feel stressed. My bf is now changing his tune saying if we cant get complete trust back, he doesnt want this. Meaning he now wants his FB and IG followers back like when i trusted him before!!!. He wants a normal relationship. He feels this relationship is based only on him agreeing on being in jail and he wants his freedom back.

I dont understand. I dont want him getting back these women on ig and fb because thats where the sexting came from. From these friends. Why cant this man just want me, have happiness with our relationship and not need followers on a dumb app to feel secure in us? Do u think i should let him breathe again or just walk away. How can this guy sext and lose my trust and then get mad hes living with restrictions now. ? He did it. Not me.

He says i should play my role too and give him trust . He doesnt want to settle on living in hell . What do u honestly think i should do? Is this a lost cause? As the one taking back a cheater, should i give him freedom like before or make him live like this?.

You have two choices:

Take him back, accept his conditions, choose to believe him and let it go.

Or, end this relationship and find someone you call fully trust so you don't have to babysit him and monitor his social media.

Realize he isn't content with only one admirer. He wants admiration from many. So, can you truly, honestly accept that? If not, it's time to go.

It wasn't just one thing, as it seems there were multiple occasions.

Social media is not your problem, as you cannot trust this man. Women are everywhere, and if he wants to cheat, he will cheat.

I'm curious, did he deny the evidence?

It's doesn't sound like you can move on from this, and personally , I wouldn't be able to trust a cheater. But, this is your life.

At first, I was impressed how willingly he gave up all contacts and owned up to all his mistakes. But he obviously can't keep to his words and is all over the map. Its not fair of him to rush your healing, as he caused the trust issues, he's lucky you even tried to make it work.

How long have you been together? Do you think you will ever be able to trust him? Without trust there really can't be a relationship.

Seems to me this went too far already. Apologizing to your Family. Changing phone number the password thing. Deleting ladies from social medias... Other apps. Its hard to make it up after a mess like that and I think if he feels he is jailed give him his freeeom he apparently so much need back.

In my experience, it is very rare that men would change that quickly. The acts that you caught him doing is betrayal. It's a lost of trust and respect which is incredibly hard to mend. It takes two very mature people. From his action it sounds like he is quite young and hasn't reach that stage in life. I've gone out with men who have cheated or even men that had just signed up on dating sites but did not do anything. From what I learnt is that: don't I deserve someone that will love me only? ABSOLUTELY! You deserve nothing less. Maybe he is just too young to understand the value and the meaning of being in a committed relationship. Because at the end of the day, you can not make someone love you, he has to figure that out on his own.

My sense is that if he wants your trust, he's the one that has to demonstrate he's trustworthy.

Expecting you to suddenly trust him when he hasn't actually shown he can be trusted is jumping the gun somewhat.

By all means give him access to all the social media platforms again. That will be the real test. Denying him access proves nothing.

It's not up to you to 'give him freedom'. It's up to him to prove that he can deal with it. I suspect he won't be able to.

So he figured if he said all the right things, gave you a few empty gestures showing how he was removing so-called temptations from his life, then you'd take him back. He could wait a few weeks, expecting a full pass and now that he feels he's done his "time" for the "crime" of getting caught he's back to business as usual. Which means he wants to do whatever the heck he wants and the heck with you. Oh, but somehow now he's the victim even though it was his lousy actions that caused the breakup to begin with. How does that work? "Gosh, you're so mean to me insisting I don't go on social media.…" (Rolls eyes)

I'm sorry, but when someone is truly sorry it's what follows after the groveling stage when they've done a serious wrong that counts. How many times did I hear "I'll never hit her/him/them again" when I worked in a Women's Shelter? Every.single.time. And how many times did that turn out to be a lie? Every.single.time. A person who is genuinely sorry doesn't mouth a few nice things then expect it be all business as usual in less time than it takes a pair of cheap sneakers to wear out then play the victim over it when they aren't trusted for having betrayed people they claimed to love.

While I'm all for second chances, the fact that this guy did all that, begged and got that second chance, and is now playing victim and wailing "you don't trust me" when the whole thing just happened tells me he's not really sincerely sorry at all. He just played you, big time. And that's all he's ever likely to do. Sorry, but you know what this is. And you know what to do.

If it were me I'd tell him he's absolutely right, I can't tell him what to do or not to do, only myself. And that I can't have a relationship with someone I don't trust. So there's the door. Expect him to be back to cheating oh within the fortnight if he lasts that long. He thinks he has you in the bag, there's no more need to pretend he was sorry.

And an important point that people seem to be overlooking here: you didn't tell him to get off social media. He initially did that himself to "prove" he was sincere in removing all temptations. So you aren't doing anything to him at all yet notice how he has turned you into the bad guy on that, even the point you're getting rebuked for getting upset over his now insisting to go back to social media? Oh and now suddenly you're his jailer when again that was his idea, not yours.

There's a nice bit of manipulation of reality there now isn't it?

You're right. You didn't make him do anything.

Except now the trust is gone. he chose to act out in a wrongful manner with another girl.. his choice. he can't lay guilt on you!

I'd let him go live it up.. since he's feeling pressured by you... as he says *eyeroll*.

I'd say he's a lost cause. I dont go for cheaters n their crap.

It wasn't just one thing, as it seems there were multiple occasions.

 

Social media is not your problem, as you cannot trust this man. Women are everywhere, and if he wants to cheat, he will cheat.

 

I'm curious, did he deny the evidence?

 

It's doesn't sound like you can move on from this, and personally , I wouldn't be able to trust a cheater. But, this is your life.

No he didnt deny the evidence. He confessed to it all .

At first, I was impressed how willingly he gave up all contacts and owned up to all his mistakes. But he obviously can't keep to his words and is all over the map. Its not fair of him to rush your healing, as he caused the trust issues, he's lucky you even tried to make it work.

 

How long have you been together? Do you think you will ever be able to trust him? Without trust there really can't be a relationship.

Thank you exactly. I was saying that too. He did everything to make it right. Now he doesnt like it and seeing he hates to be cut off from social media. He wants to take back the conditions. I dont get it. We known each other for a long time but only been official for 6 months. He gave me alot of reasons to trust him. We spent everyday together. Our relationship was great so the cheating/sexting incident was a blind side. Basically im struggling with if this a one time crazy mistake or is it a trend. I never had reason to doubt him so i dont know. This is where im at now.

My sense is that if he wants your trust, he's the one that has to demonstrate he's trustworthy.

 

Expecting you to suddenly trust him when he hasn't actually shown he can be trusted is jumping the gun somewhat.

 

By all means give him access to all the social media platforms again. That will be the real test. Denying him access proves nothing.

 

It's not up to you to 'give him freedom'. It's up to him to prove that he can deal with it. I suspect he won't be able to.

I was thinking that too. Jailing someone wont stop cheating. A cheater is a cheater. They can cheat anywhere. The true test is giving freedom and let them know how to refuse temptation and never make mistakes again. Im just on the fence because giving him a green light on these sites might make him think im a pushover. I feel like he kinda needs to go thru hell first. He didnt have to agree but he wanted me back no matter what the condition.

Yes everything u said is on point. I couldnt have said it better. HE offered to make changes. Now HE regrets them and suddenly im the bad girlfriend. He wnbt settle on anything less than what we had before, meanwhile he took that trust for granted ! I told him his sorry now looks fake but he doesnt agree. He actually is showing he needs other women followers in his life to make us have a great relationship. Like that matters? U are right. He is a manipulator because the latest thing is, if i dont trust him like old times, he is leaving ME. He isnt even seeing the sacrafice i made for taking him back. I dont know anymore. Thank u for your wise feedback.

You are only one woman. He 'needs" to have the attention of many women.

If you're not ok with that, then it's time to end it.

Thank you exactly. I was saying that too. He did everything to make it right. Now he doesnt like it and seeing he hates to be cut off from social media. He wants to take back the conditions. I dont get it. We known each other for a long time but only been official for 6 months. He gave me alot of reasons to trust him. We spent everyday together. Our relationship was great so the cheating/sexting incident was a blind side. Basically im struggling with if this a one time crazy mistake or is it a trend. I never had reason to doubt him so i dont know. This is where im at now.

IMO 6 months might not be worth the heart ache. That shouldn't really even be enough time for the honey moon phase to wear off. You can use your best judgement and make the decision thats best for you, but from an objective perspective, I'd show him the door.

I'm guessing you'll end up stalking his social media, looking for "signs" he's sexting other women again (i.e., seeing who "likes" his posts or who posts comments).

This is the electronic version of the 3 am drive-by. Take it from someone who's had personal experience with this situation, it's a lousy way to live.

I see both points of view, to be honest.

You are right to be apprehensive about his presence on social media, because of what happened; on the other hand, in a day and age where everyone and their dog is present on social media, he feels like a kid grounded by his mother now that you're forbidding him to reinstate his accounts. He is right, this is no way to live, not because social media is oh so important, but because he is a grownup and nobody has the right to tell a grownup what to do. You can't ground him forever, you are not his mother and he is not your kid. But, he screwed up royally. Sexting is not some minor offence, it shows desire, premeditation and lack of respect for you and your relationship - a deal breaker, in my books. It's not a spur of the moment mistake, that you can maybe forgive and forget.

So basically you're caught between a rock and a hard place. He is absolutely right, you can't punish him forever. He was hoping his grand gestures upon getting caught would soften you and prevent you from dumping him, but he never intended for his "repentance" to have to last a long time. You on the other hand, can't trust him (with good reason), and would prefer him to repent much longer than he has.

This will never work, you will be butting heads from now on, the trust is gone and you both think the other is unreasonable and should give in.

Personally I would never forgive and trust a guy who thought sexting some other woman while in a relationship with me would be a good idea, it's one of my deal breakers. If you think you can forgive him, while giving him back his freedom like the adult that he is, then try to work on things; but if you think you will never trust him unless he gives up any means of communication with any female out there, you need to realize this is not feasible and end this relationship, because it will soon become toxic for both of you.

Some things are worth fighting for, some things are forgivable, but I don't think cheating (and sexting is a form of cheating) should be. It's easier to move on and meet someone who doesn't feel the need to sext other women, than try to rebuild a trust that has been shattered. JMO.

Our whole relationship was based on mutual love and trust.

No, it wasn't. I'd stop feeding myself a crock of illusion, and I'd move forward to heal and know that I'm good enough to find someone who's honest. If you stay involved with this guy, you'll just drive yourself nuts.

You're 6 months in. You are really at a good point to cut ties and leave. There are no children involved, or marriage or homes or anything. My ex husband (we were together for 8 years total, 5 of that married) cheated on me and I said BYE FELICIA as soon as I found out. We had a home we bought together, a daughter and I was a stay at home mom. I had a whole lot more to lose than you. But, I did keep my self respect and I did know that I deserved better.

Do not allow this guy to stay in your life. He will only cause more problems in the end. Even if he doesn't do this again, it will always be in the back of your mind. It's not a place you want to be, as you will be miserable, and more entangled in the relationship as time goes on.