Is it time to breakup? :/

Hey all,

I'm looking for some advice regarding my current relationship. I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for about 1 and 1/2 years. Things were great in the beginning, but in the last few months I've been wondering if my boyfriend and I are truly compatible.

When we first met my bf was very shy and closed off to trying new things and new experiences. I am a very outgoing, adventurous and spontaneous person who is always on the get-go. He has been willing to try new things, but I feel as if I am "forcing" him to do these things and he does them just to make me happy. I'm always the one who has to plan things, pick the restaurant, etc. I am also a very excited and passionate person, and I feel as if he does not share my excitement for basically anything. In the beginning I enjoyed helping him break out of his shell and see the world differently (he complained that he didn't need friends, there is no point to living, etc) but now I feel as if his lack of excitement and spontaneity is sucking the life out of that excited side of me.

I know part of this is due to a cultural differences. I am white and he grew up in India before moving to the US, so I'm aware that his culture is generally more reserved and closed off. He still hasn't told his parents we are in a relationship, and I'm almost positive at this point that they will never accept it. At this age, I don't think I am ready to face that kind of resistance.

This had led to me being pretty bitter on the inside, despite him promising over and over that he will tell his parents. I noticed I've been gradually distancing myself from him emotionally, to the point where we didn't have sex for over a month because I just didn't want to do it with him. I feel like I've lost attraction for him and sometimes it feels like kissing a family member instead of a boyfriend.

I've also recently met a guy who I have developed a crush on because he shows me how exciting a relationship could really be. The dynamic of our friendship is playful and funny, and he returns my excitement with equal excitement back, and is always interested in what I have to say. I'm a very sarcastic person and sometimes my boyfriend's humor clashes with mine, while this guy's humor perfectly meshes with mine.

Reading back what I just wrote it sounds pretty selfish of me to want to stay with my boyfriend. I'm having a hard time leaving him because I do love him and care for him a lot, and on paper he sounds like a perfect boyfriend. He's a genuinely nice guy, he's extremely smart and motivated, and he does so many little things to make me happy (sometimes at the expense of his OWN happiness, which sometimes makes me feel as if he has no respect for himself). He's my bestfriend and I can share everything and anything with him.

I've told him how I felt about all this and he tells me he doesn't want to lose me, and that these are all problems that we can solve, and that it's okay if we aren't 100% compatible because our differences compliment each other. I on the other hand feel as if I might be the kind of girl he needs, but maybe he isn't the right kind of guy for me. I believe that he deserves someone who is just as crazy about him as he is about them, and that it's not fair that he is more into this relationship than I am. I am just so afraid of hurting him and breaking his heart, I don't want to be the reason that he reverts back to his old, closed off self where he doesn't trust anyone.

Sorry that was a long post. Do you have any advice? Is this just too much to even salvage the relationship? Is it possible for someone who is adventurous (likes to travel, jump out of airplanes, try new things, go see the world) to be with someone who has no passion for the same things?

I dont see any future for you with this young man. I think you are too incompatible and that you'd be better off with someone more like yourself. The cultural differences may be too much to overcome. You seem to really like this new guy so perhaps you need to break it off with the first guy and see what develops with the second guy.

I dont see any future for you with this young man. I think you are too incompatible and that you'd be better off with someone more like yourself. The cultural differences may be too much to overcome. You seem to really like this new guy so perhaps you need to break it off with the first guy and see what develops with the second guy.

Thank you for your honest reply. I feel as if we are too incompatible too, but he keeps try to convince me that we are compatible despite all these differences, which is what is making me confused. He says that my personality brings him out of his shell and that his personality "calms me down" when I get too excited, but I personally don't see being an excited/peppy person as a bad thing (I don't mean "excited" as in getting upset over things easily/taking things out of hand)

Sounds like you're on the outs with this guy...

But do be careful.. jumping from one relationship to another.

You've been with this guy for a while.. I am sure you will feel some sadness ending it with him.. etc.

of course, in the beginning everything looks grande and this is what you're feeling with the 'new guy' around. Im just saying take it easy.

It's one thing to leave a relationship because it's simply not working, but leaving a relationship because you found a replacement is a gamble that has the potential to backfire among other consequences, such as ending up where you stand alone, etc.

This other guy may look good on paper, but you're fooling yourself into believing you'll ride off into the sunset together. Having said that, and this is not meant to sound harsh, but this new guy may not be up for taking the chance of you eventually finding a replacement for him, as well.

I would give this much more thought...

Sounds like you're on the outs with this guy...

But do be careful.. jumping from one relationship to another.

 

You've been with this guy for a while.. I am sure you will feel some sadness ending it with him.. etc.

 

of course, in the beginning everything looks grande and this is what you're feeling with the 'new guy' around. Im just saying take it easy.

Thank you for your advice. I'll definitely feel sad over ending it, I've been crying for weeks now because the thought at having to end it hurts me as well, but I know it will hurt him more. I don't expect to jump into a new relationship right after

It's one thing to leave a relationship because it's simply not working, but leaving a relationship because you found a replacement is a gamble that has the potential to backfire among other consequences, such as ending up where you stand alone, etc.

 

This other guy may look good on paper, but you're fooling yourself into believing you'll ride off into the sunset together. Having said that, and this is not meant to sound harsh, but this new guy may not be up for taking the chance of you eventually finding a replacement for him, as well.

 

I would give this much more thought...

Thank you very much for your reply. I apologize if my initial post came off the way, I don't expect to leave my boyfriend and go date this new guy, who I don't think has interest in me like that. I just included him in my post because he is such a huge contrast to my boyfriend and my dynamic with him is showing me what is lacking in my own relationship. I feel like I didn't truly see how incompatible we are until I met someone that is more like me and on the same wavelength as me.

99.9% of the time I read someone on here saying they're losing attraction to their significant other it's because a new person has entered the picture. It's getting so reliable it's almost crazy.

All I'll add is that I don't think being able to be attracted to someone else means anything at all about your current relationship. I think relationships should survive or die on the merits of the relationship alone, not the presence of other temptations / crushes.

I don't think new people come into our lives to "show us what we're missing" as much as to provide us with a choice. And to highlight the fact that staying with or leaving someone is a choice. Make the best choice you can, but don't use this new guy to justify anything either way.

Thank you very much for your reply. I apologize if my initial post came off the way, I don't expect to leave my boyfriend and go date this new guy, who I don't think has interest in me like that. I just included him in my post because he is such a huge contrast to my boyfriend and my dynamic with him is showing me what is lacking in my own relationship. I feel like I didn't truly see how incompatible we are until I met someone that is more like me and on the same wavelength as me.

Including this other guy in your post actually made your post just look like so many other posts of girl/guys jumping from one relationship to the other. And no matter how many times a person says that's not a good idea, no one ever listens. Sometimes for the best of course, but other times you're just transferring your problems from one person to another.

I believe that most of the times the problems are within yourself, at least for 50% you're bringing the problems into the relationship. But 80% of the problems you see is by your perception only. You first need to figure this out.

Are you two incompatible? Probably, from what i've read you two are. But that's also due to the fact that you're writing it. Your boyfriend sounds like a sweetheart and very sensitive one too. Dont force him to change. Be respectful that he doesn't mind not having many friends and be gentle with the traditions that runs in his family. Their traditions are wide, diverse and very rich. Be humble that you have a change to experience it up and close.

From your post the only one that needed to make compromises to their behavior and all was him in this relationship. 'I think I might be good for him for coming out of his introvert shell' is what you've been depicting yourself. Why? Is an introvert nature not good from itself? Cant an introvert enjoy himself not as much as an extrovert can? Can an extrovert not learn from the introvert? You've learned, and thats cultural too, that extroverts are the good ones and introverts are the weird ones, they don't go well in our society. But psychologically there is a lot in favour for an introvert nature and I think you better can learn it fast and do some reading about introverts. See what you can learn from your boyfriend, you weren't attracted by him if not a part of you admired his very different nature than yours.

Remember that all I know is from your own post. So I might be completely off. But maybe its time to make a compromise to your boyfriend when it comes down to the different mindsets you two have.

Basically, you've met someone else and you're trying to make the dumping as guiltless for you as possible.

Thank you for your reply, it was extremely insightful and gave me a lot to consider. I don't think being an introvert is a bad thing or a personality flaw, I just personally feel like I sometimes get bored with his lack of excitement and spontaneity. I try to tell myself that's just the way he is and I should accept him for who he is, but I don't know how to find a good "balance" between my personality and his, and maybe that's the problem.

Basically, you've met someone else and you're trying to make the dumping as guiltless for you as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, but that's really not the case. There is nothing going on between me and said guy, I just admire his personality and sense of humor, and feel as if that is the kind of guy I could be more compatible with

I think you're taking your boyfriend for granted, I completely agree that you can have a good compliment between an introvert and an extrovert, a long lasting relationship isn't about love. Love is fleeting and comes in burst, what lasts is friendship, compassion and understanding. You seem to be having GIGS (grass is greener syndrome), and you are forgetting the 80% your boyfriend provides and seeing what this 20% this new person provides. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is more difficult requires effort from both sides.

One thing though, you are going to sabotage this relationship right now only to want this in the future and in hindsight you will value and appreciate what you had more than you currently do. You said this guy was your best friend, there are so many relationships that are out there where both gf and bf aren't best friends.

It is also a huge judgement that his parents won't accept you, traditional indian culture want the kids to get an education but as they near the end of their degree parents become more accepting of relationships. Sometimes differences are formed from the way people are raised and I don't believe they should be punished for that.

Before you do anything, I want you reflect and understand you're idealising this new person and scrutinising the bad components of your boyfriend. So before you make any decision read into GIGs, and try and find happiness from within rather than from an externality. Trust me, you will be able happier and life will be so much more easier.

In a similar situation .. I hope you figure it all out!

You should read into GIGs, it's not imperative that both people be extroverted and I think you should appreciate the 80% that your boyfriend provides and not outweigh that with the other 20% you see in someone else.

Try and communicate this to your boyfriend and mutually work towards this goal and from the sounds of your boyfriend he will be willing to make the changes. Remember people change during relationships but it's unrealistic to expect your significant to be undergoing the same as yourself. Appreciate what you have and foster happiness from within.

'Thank you for taking the time to read my post, but that's really not the case. There is nothing going on between me and said guy, I just admire his personality and sense of humor, and feel as if that is the kind of guy I could be more compatible with'

A sensible and mature person would end the relationship and take stock of their needs for a few months before embarking on a new relationship. You are most likely setting up a pattern of swinging from one guy to another whilst still in a relationship, pretty much like a monkey swinging from vine to vine. This is a really unhealthy place to be with your life as you'll inevitably attract like minded partners, and therefore miss attracting the quality guys who wouldn't even entertain dating someone in your position as they could clearly see that at some point they may get the same treatment.

Basically, in life, like attracts like.

That's why I'm here asking for advice because I know I'm not as sensible and mature when it comes to relationships as someone who has had more experience with them. I'm only 21 so as I try to imagine how my current partner could fit into my future it just confuses me because I'm not sure if we are completely compatible. There are times when we seem great together and times where we don't, but I'm not sure if the things that we aren't compatible on are "big issues" or things we can get past.

I completely agree with you that you shouldn't swing from one relationship to the next and I am trying to avoid doing that too, and I really value what you said that it'll give off the wrong impression to other potential partners, I didn't think about it that way.

In a similar situation .. I hope you figure it all out!

Thanks, you too I would rather be the dumpee than the dumper any day because the thought of having to break someones heart just crushes me.

Thanks, you too I would rather be the dumpee than the dumper any day because the thought of having to break someones heart just crushes me.

We all make choices. This is a choice. Maybe the new guy's better, maybe not. Maybe if you stick with your boyfriend things get worse, maybe you live happily ever after. Nobody can know. You have to make the best choice you can with the information that you have.

But dumpers get to make choices. They get to analyze the situation and decide on a course of action. Dumpees have the luxury of being in charge of their fate removed from them. If you understood how much difference that ability to choose makes, I don't think you would have said this.

If you don't want to be with your BF anymore, then break up with him, but don't do it for the new guy. Commitment is a choice that people make. All the new guy's doing is providing you with an opportunity to make a choice, stay or go, not showing you some magical "could have life". There are no guarantees, and I really believe that choice makes all the difference. People stay together because they choose to or they split because one of them chooses that. Don't buy into the myth that the ability to feel attracted to someone else means something about your current partner....it doesn't.

Thank you, this was very insightful advice. It's difficult for me to make decisions sometimes which is why I would rather be in the shoes of the person not having the choice to make. I understand that staying with my boyfriend and being committed to someone is a choice but I'm not sure which is the right one. But I know nobody can tell me the answer to that except myself and all I can really do is think about all the advice I got on this thread and try to see what is the best choice for me. Thank you!

Thank you, this was very insightful advice. It's difficult for me to make decisions sometimes which is why I would rather be in the shoes of the person not having the choice to make. I understand that staying with my boyfriend and being committed to someone is a choice but I'm not sure which is the right one. But I know nobody can tell me the answer to that except myself and all I can really do is think about all the advice I got on this thread and try to see what is the best choice for me. Thank you!

Good luck.