Hurt by boyfriend's drug use

A bit of background about me and my boyfriend we've been together two and a half years, we love each other very much, live together and marriage is very much a part of our future plan. We are both professionals and have a lot of family around us.

 

This is my first post on here, I hope people can help me and I can in turn provide some advice. It's a bit of a long one, I apologise.

 

I am very anti-drugs. My boyfriend knows this. I haven't smoked as much as a cigarette my whole life, whereas he used to be a cigarette smoker (he now vapes) and admitted to having done cocaine occasionally before meeting me. Last Christmas Eve, I was very unwell so couldn't go out as planned. He decided to stay in too, so I suggested two of his friends came round for some drinks instead. I was too ill to socialise and kept to the bedroom. On Christmas Day, I found a cut up straw in the living room which I thought was strange, asked him what it was and he said he didn't know. It was left at that by I was already slightly suspicious.

 

2 weeks later, it was his birthday. I went out with one of his friend's girlfriends for drinks before we met them, then they all came back to our. Me and my friend fell asleep early on, whilst they stayed up until the crack of dawn. I'd had suspicions again,so the next time he was out, I looked at his iPad. There were messages from him and his two friends discussing buying coke, and going to the bathroom to take it. I was incredibly shocked and hurt and asked the friend for her advice, as one of the guys involved was her boyfriend. She was upset too and confronted him about it, he admitted to it. I then confronted mine who confessed to his birthday antics, but not to Christmas eve. He was deeply ashamed, upset and disappointed with himself, afraid that I was going to leave him, etc, and promised not to do it again. I sincerely believed him.

 

His friend is known for doing coke on a regular basis. It now makes me uncomfortable when my boyfriend is out with him and it's awful to admit it, but I don't trust him not to do cocaine with him. I check their conversations regularly and there has been talk of drugs, but not enough evidence of actually buying them. When my boyfriend goes out, I always ask him to behave, and he knows full well what that means.

 

He went out a few weeks ago and came home at 5am, after hours and hours of telling me he was having 'one more drink' and coming home. I didn't actually suspect cocaine at the time but he's going out tomorrow night and had an urge to read his ipad. Low and behold, there are messages from him to his friend saying he 'owed him bags' and 'not to get some tonight, save it for tomorrow night'. This implies that they did do coke the last time they were out and have intentions of doing it tomorrow. I am devastated. He's in our living room playing Fifa and I'm in the bedroom working, he has no idea I'm upset at the moment.

 

I want to confront him but I don't want to admit to snooping on his iPad. I also don't know if I'm over exaggerating. Many people are so relaxed when it comes to drugs now, I feel like there's something wrong with me for having a problem. I don't want to tell my friends or family because they will instantly judge him and I don't want that. I feel so alone in this I just don't know what to do.

 

It hurts that he does this, knowing how I feel, and I'm lost because I don't know what to do. Please help me.

He is addicted to Coke and up until Xmas was good at hiding it. Or, up until Xmas you believed him and now you are snooping and finding the proof. He is only going to get better at lying. He isn't going to stop. Your beliefs are not his beliefs.

 

I certainly would take marriage off the table.

Thank you for your reply.

 

If he was addicted, I would certainly know about it. For one, I know that he doesn't buy it himself and two, he goes out once every six weeks at most - the rest of the time he's with me. I know that he isn't doing it at home, so I think addiction is a bit of a stretch too far.

 

Yes our beliefs are clearly different. But I have to hope that there is some way of getting the message through to him. This is the only issue in our whole relationship, and is not something I can just throw away.

Okay, he is a recreational Coke user. He gets someone else to buy it, and they have clearly gone so far as to consume it when you are in the other room(Xmas).

 

You stated your beliefs...he told you his history. He likely didn't promise never to do it again. And he is unlikely to just stop.

 

You, on the other hand, have violated his privacy....so now you both have trust issues.

 

Many people believe that recreational use of drugs hurts no one. Others look to the bigger picture and the lives it destroys. I don't think you guys are on the same page. It looks like a frank discussion, not confrontation, is in order.

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty - it's what I would be telling someone else in my position. I just don't want to have to admit my part in finding out. It's upsetting because I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but we're going to have some serious choices to make I guess.

Hanging around drug addicts ONLY leads to doing drugs. You become what you are around. He should've known this. You should've known this as well.

 

If you love your man, you need to sit him down, grab his hands and look him deep in the eye and tell him that it ends today or it's over. If he doesn't agree, leave. If he does, ask him to not only take a drug test once a month or so but also pay for it to prove it do you.

 

DO NOT TRUST HIM, verify with the place YOURSELF.

 

My wife comes from a family of coke addicts and many of my ex friends felt into it. If I was to tell you some of my stories you would run to the other side of the world away from your boyfriend now.

 

I will also warn you that even if recovered, damages to brain and person's life are LIFETIME.

 

DO NOT PROCEED would be my best advice. I'm usually always recommend to fix things vs leave, but in this case I would strongly recommend moving on now.

 

To me, coke = devil.

Okay, he is a recreational Coke user.

 

There is NO such a thing as "recreational coke user". Never was and never will be. It's an extremely addictive drug that is next to impossible to kick.

 

I have never met and seen one recreational coke user, and I've been around plenty.

Thank you. I can honestly say thought that I will never ever touch drugs. The way I've been brought up and my own common sense tells me not to and I know 100% that I never shall.

 

I wish I could share your horror stories with him to show the effect that it could have.

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty - it's what I would be telling someone else in my position. I just don't want to have to admit my part in finding out. It's upsetting because I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but we're going to have some serious choices to make I guess.

 

Well, sadly...admitting you violated his privacy has to come out.

Thank you. I can honestly say thought that I will never ever touch drugs. The way I've been brought up and my own common sense tells me not to and I know 100% that I never shall.

 

Never say never. You stick around him, you might become just like him. He WILL try to pull you in as his addiction develops. Mark my words (every drug addict does).

 

Here is my take on drugs.

 

There is Alcohol and Weed, and there is the rest. Rest is off limits, touch it and it will only lead you down to Heroin. This includes Pharama/Legal drugs as well. Let's not forget our pharmacies sell LEGAL SYNTHETIC HEROIN

 

And also, even Alcohol and Weed CAN cause severe addiction and consequences to life. But it's the only 2 that are manageable and people have a history of doing "in moderation".

 

There is NO moderation for other drugs. I've lost COUNTLESS friends over the years to drugs, second it went past weed and alcohol......it was all downhill. And when I say lost, I mean DEATH.

 

I simply stay away from anyone that does anything beyond those 2, and even if they do those 2, watch them closely/watch out.

 

So what I would tell you at this point OP is that those guys he hangs with are NOT his friends. They are opposite of friends if they let him/provide him with a HARD CORE drug like Coke.

 

He needs to realize that as well....but again, I would just run.

Well, sadly...admitting you violated his privacy has to come out.

 

There is no such a thing as privacy in relationship. Only behind closed door of the bathroom (and at times, not even then).

 

She had EVERY reason to check on him etc. Good job OP! This step alone might possibly save your boyfriend's life.....and completely change YOURS.

There is NO such a thing as "recreational coke user". Never was and never will be. It's an extremely addictive drug that is next to impossible to kick.

 

I have never met and seen one recreational coke user, and I've been around plenty.

Yes, yes there is. Cocaine actually has a relatively low addiction rate and it takes relatively high doses before adverse health effects generally kick in. The worst thing about cocaine is the fact it's illegal and how many people are subsequently killed through its illegal methods of production and distribution.

The coke addict that I knew is dead and has been for some time now. Died in their early 30s.

One more thing OP, make sure he has no access to anything financial of yours. And if he does, take it away pronto.

There is no such a thing as privacy in relationship. Only behind closed door of the bathroom (and at times, not even then).

 

She had EVERY reason to check on him etc. Good job OP! This step alone might possibly save your boyfriend's life.....and completely change YOURS.

 

Lots of people have privacy in a relationship and it's just as valid a relationship.

To add, I've always found it amusing whenever someone who admittedly partakes in alcohol claims to be vehemently "anti-drug" when they're inviting people out to join in consuming the drug that's responsible for nearly 90,000 deaths per year in the US (second only to tobacco as far as drug-related deaths go, including illicit substances). You're not anti-drug, you're anti whatever isn't your drug.

 

Stop invading the guy's privacy and if you don't like his recreational usage, find someone else.

If he does, ask him to not only take a drug test once a month or so but also pay for it to prove it do you.

 

DO NOT TRUST HIM, verify with the place YOURSELF.

 

Please do not take this advice. You're not his mother or his parole officer.

 

Tell him that you know he's been using, and that you're not interested in dating someone who uses coke. Then you'll have to take him at his word if he says he's not going to. There's no choice but to trust. If you feel that either of you can't hold up your end of the bargain, then you go. But the checking up on him has to stop. Do you honestly want to snoop on your partner the rest of your relationship?

Yes, yes there is. Cocaine actually has a relatively low addiction rate and it takes relatively high doses before adverse health effects generally kick in. The worst thing about cocaine is the fact it's illegal and how many people are subsequently killed through its illegal methods of production and distribution.

 

I completely disagree and will never EVER believe you based on what I've seen. I've met HUNDREDS of coke heads in my life, not one was "casual or recreational". I will tell you that a lot of them do a great job at hiding!!! heck that's their life mission to hide it at all cost.

 

Is there one that does it casually? I'm sure, but we are probably talking extremely small %.

 

Also your list of cons is rather short.......really? The worst things about cocaine are things that you never hear about. Family neglected, violated and abused amongst many other things.

 

I really don't want to get into details of what I've seen, so you will just have to take my word for it.

 

Copy pasted from another source.

 

"Cocaine prevents the reabsorption of dopamine in the brain’s reward areas. After you use enough blow, your brain reduces the number of dopamine receptors in this region, figuring it's already got plenty of it. You can see where this is going. Because there are now fewer receptors, stopping the drug makes you crave it—after all, the body needs its dopamine. Cocaine doesn’t destroy dopamine neurons like methamphetamine, which makes its effect less powerfully addictive, but the fast method of use (snorting), short high (less than an hour) and rapid tolerance put it in the top ten."

Please do not take this advice. You're not his mother or his parole officer.

 

Tell him that you know he's been using, and that you're not interested in dating someone who uses coke. Then you'll have to take him at his word if he says he's not going to. There's no choice but to trust. If you feel that either of you can't hold up your end of the bargain, then you go. But the checking up on him has to stop. Do you honestly want to snoop on your partner the rest of your relationship?

 

Worst drug addict advice EVER. I'm sorry.

There is no such a thing as privacy in relationship. Only behind closed door of the bathroom (and at times, not even then).

 

She had EVERY reason to check on him tetc. Good job OP! This step alone might possibly save your boyfriend's life.....and completely change YOURS.

 

There may be no such thing as privacy in YOUR relationship, but I have always had it in any of my relationships, and I daresay most others do as well.

Worst drug addict advice EVER. I'm sorry.

 

If he's a drug addict (which none of us can diagnose) then she shouldn't be dating him. Continuing to date him while drug testing him and snooping on him is pointless and unhealthy.

There may be no such thing as privacy in YOUR relationship, but I have always had it in any of my relationships, and I daresay most others do as well.

 

Depends on ones perspective......I see 0 reason for NEED of privacy in my relationship.

 

Perhaps that's what separates us.

 

 

I completely disagree and will never EVER believe you based on what I've seen.

 

Is there one that does it casually? I'm sure, but we are probably talking extremely small %.

 

Unless you have something solid showing what that "small %" is, please don't tout your personal experience/anecdotes as "facts." It's a disservice to the people that post here looking for advice grounded in reality.

Depends on ones perspective......I see 0 reason for NEED of privacy in my relationship.

 

Perhaps that's what separates us.

 

 

 

Yeah, that and the fact that both my SO and I have friends of the opposite sex.

If he's a drug addict (which none of us can diagnose) then she shouldn't be dating him. Continuing to date him while drug testing him and snooping on him is pointless and unhealthy.

 

When you do coke, by default you are a drug addict.

 

It seems like people have no clue about how addictive this drug is.

 

I would suggest for anyone that doesn't believe me to do some research. It messes with your brain chemistry.

 

ROTFLMAO @ "recreational coke user"

 

Riiiiiiight