baby

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have a total of 4 children between the 2 of us. He has 3, I have 1. I had my child extremely young. She is now 8 years old. His kids are 4, 5, and 6.

The issue I'm having is that I want a baby. I don't mind when it happens. I could get pregnant now or 5 years from now and be happy. But my boyfriend says he doesn't want anymore kids. He's talked about a vasectomy many times. We're both in our 20's and it breaks my heart because his family tells him that he should think about me and what I want but at the same time, who am I to force him to be a father to a child he doesn't necessarily want? He literally won't touch me if I am not taking birth control and the past 3 months I've been trying to find a good birth control and it makes me so sick. I've been sick for weeks just so I can sleep with him because obviously I love him and I want to. I thought about not taking the pills and just pretending like I am but I'm not dishonest...I can't keep things from him and I don't want to be disrespectful but I don't know what to do. We've talked about kids and he says all the time he doesn't want anymore. Like his mind will never change. It scares me because he's such a great guy and that's an understatement. He treats me like a queen, like a real partner. He cares about me so deeply and he shows me every day. He's faithful to me and he's honest with me. I don't want to lose him.

I'm not one to ask for advice, I often don't talk about my problems because I feel like others have bigger issues that are more important than mine. So this is the only way I feel comfortable talking about it I guess.

Please help

If he wants no more you have to respect that. Never push someone to beyond their limit.

If you want more kids and he doesn't then you are either going to have to leave him and find someone like yourself that wants more or forget that particular want and get on with your great relationship. Whatever you do, don't trick him into another pregnancy.

You still call him your boyfriend so I'll assume that you're not married... yet another good reason why you shouldn't be talking about having children, IMO.

If oral contraceptives are making you ill and your doctor hasn't found one that you can tolerate then why not try an IUD. If he's concerned that that's not good enough then tell him to wear a rubber along with it.

Have u told him how much u want another child?

Having children is one of those things that leave no room for compromise. You either have them or you don't. I can see why you might want more, as you've only had one biological child. But I can also see why he doesn't want anymore as he already has 3.

There's not really a good answer here. You could have a talk & see if either of you think you have any chance of changing your mind in the future and revisit the issue later. Of course, that might only delay the inevitable, so it's important for you both to be extremely honest & not give the other person hope that you will change your mind if you know you really won't. Also, you don't want to stay with someone for a long time that your child grows close to (and you to his) only to separate a few years down the road if you can already see that it is inevitable now.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what is more important to you- staying with him or having another child.

Also, good call on deciding not to pretend to take your birth control when you really aren't. If I was a guy & someone did that to me (or say, in another world where the guys were the ones taking birth control) I would be EXTREMELY upset if someone did that to me and decided for me that I was going to be a parent. Very upset. Like, I can't really express to you in writing how upset I would be if someone did that to me. On the same level as him tying your tubes in your sleep one night (again, not that it's possible). That goes way beyond disrespecting someone. You probably would like it if he decided you would never be a parent again as much as if you decided for him that he would be. That is a huge violation of a person's right to decide their direction in their life. Don't do that.

I thought about not taking the pills and just pretending like I am

 

We've talked about kids and he says all the time he doesn't want anymore.

Please, please, whatever you do, do NOT lie about taking the pill. That is the absolute worst betrayal you can ever do to someone. Not only that, but if you did fall pregnant (due to deceit), believe me, he will NOT stay with you and you will be left to raise the baby on your own.

He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want any more. I can understand that, as there are already four children. You are either going to have to come to terms with this and accept it, or you have to move on and find someone who still wants children. But whatever you do, do NOT "accidentally" fall pregnant.

He already has three, so he may be thinking that's enough, and also that he may not be able to afford another one.

This is one of those fundamental incompatibilities. There is no overcoming it. You want more kids, he doesn't. Sticking around and hoping you can convince him, or that maybe you'll get pregnant by accident and then he'll suddenly realize that he's overflowing with joy at the thought of being a parent again, is a pointless endeavor and will not end well for either of you. If you do get pregnant, he'll likely resent you for it and it will drive a wedge between you.

We're both in our 20's and it breaks my heart because his family tells him that he should think about me and what I want

And also the kids, right?

Has he told you his reasons for not wanting more children, and what are your reasons for wanting more?

I'm just curious if you couldn't be happy with a blended family with all these children surrounding you as an alternative to having more biological children? Have you explored that and your reasons for wanting a baby so badly? Is it something you have known for a long time you wanted (another biological child) or is it relatively new?

Not here to tell you what you should do, just to explore your options here. I'd like to know why exactly you want another biological child. Is there maybe some other way you could meet what it is you want without having a baby, or is it something you want 100% and that's it.

If having another biological child is a non negotiable for you, you really only have one real option.

How many women has he had children with? Are all three from the same mother?

I ask this because I know someone who was seeing a guy who had four kids with three different women. She (for some reason) thought it was an excellent idea to have a baby with this guy, which means he now has five children with four different women. Never married any of the women and does not pay child support for the child he had with my friend.

So, I'm curious to know how many women your boyfriend has had children with. Especially since you two are so young.

Could you fulfill some of this need by putting more energy into getting to know and nurturing his children?

Also, if oral contraceptives make you sick I would think he'd be using condoms instead of refusing to touch you at all. There's got to be a way to mitigate the risk without withholding intimacy.

^yeah, that's odd to me too. If he really does not want children, condoms seem like a smart option.

How do you support all of these kids?

He probably does mean it. I mean, its possible that he could change his mind but he was up front with you about not wanting to have children .You need to accept that

Firstly, you guys are not married. It is important to talk about kids/no kids to see if someone is compatible for marriage but the "i would have a baby now or in five years" does not sound like you care to establish a foundation for marriage (or not) and just really want to give birth to another child. Is it that you want to experience pregnancy again or sincerely want another child? What about the reality of if you guys were to marry - you would have four kids to start with. Things may be starkly different if you were to meet a man with one child or no children.

Also, it is important to know if he is the divorced dad of three children and the marriage didn't work out vs has three kids with three women. if its three kids with three women, this guy is not really going to commit to you. if he is a divorced or widowed dad of three, then maybe he will but he is clear on what he wants.

At any rate, I would not give up on your dream of another child for a man who is not committed to you - but there is also the realistic idea of supporting 4 children - can you guys do it without relying on support of the exes if you had to?

If you really want another baby - yes, I would consider breaking things off if he is not open to that. if you guys were in your 40s, I would say it would be a compromise worth your consideration because the prospect of motherhood again for you would not be a guarantee, but since you are in your twenties, it is very acheivable.

Maybe you might want to consider time away to think it through.

He probably does mean it. I mean, its possible that he could change his mind but he was up front with you about not wanting to have children .You need to accept that

I agree. My ex was adamant about not wanting children. He would not change. He did not change. And he was old enough to not be the age (young 20s) where he very well could grow, mature and change his mind. A man considering a vasectomy is VERY serious about not having kids.

First of all, I see two people on here commenting that the OP isnt married and I have no idea what that has to do with wanting children. I for one never got married to the father of my children but we had a cohabitation agreement and a testament made. That was as good as marriage for me. And I know a few on EnA arent in favor of marriage either. We have no idea how the OP feels or thinks about marriage. So lets just throw that out for now and focus on the baby part.

Getting two families together with kids included is already one hell of an operation. I still can see the many cracks between my stepsiblings and my sister and me. My mom and her boyfriend do the best that they can but we'll never be close. I think a baby will bring the family more together or will make it more difficult. So it really depends on all the children that are already involved. I don't see you talking about how the children are coping with you, your boyfriend and their relation to each other. If there is a lot of rival for example I can understand your boyfriend doesn't want to stir more jeallousy into this mix. You've to look at all the possible outcomes a baby will bring: the negative and the positive.

I do agree with what the rest is saying and dont push your boyfriend into getting another child. If he really doesn't want one than stop it. Btw have you thought about a hormone spiral? I love it and I heard it is a good option for people that dont do well on the normal pills.

Ok, just so everyone doesn't freak out anymore, I wouldn't try to get pregnant on purpose. Lol that's low, I know that. I know when I ovulate so I'd avoid sex in those times to not get pregnant. I know what would happen.

He was with the mother of all 3 boys for 6 1/2 years. Tbh the oldest isn't biologically his and he has taken care of him his whole life (mother took off and got pregnant then came back to him) he hasn't adopted him because mom receives 800 a month in child support from his sperm donor. We pay her child support for the 2 boys that are biologically his.

He says he just doesn't want to give up his time and energy for a baby. He says sometimes that he might change his mind and there are moments when we talk about the kids as babies that he will say he misses it and maybe one more wouldn't hurt. We both have great jobs. I run a business and he's an artist. We have a big house with plenty of room and even if it wasn't enough, we can afford to move. I take care of all the finances, I know for a fact we can afford it! Lol

Our relationship is actually a really good one. Someone commented and said my beliefs on marriage may not be the same and it's very true. He and I don't really feel the need to get married. We're both pretty strong atheists and feel that marriage is a religuous ceremony. We've talked about writing vows to each other a lot and me taking his last name. Both our views on marriage are a little odd lol but that's beside the point. I don't have one doubt in my mind that he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. We plan for the future all the time.

As for the kids now, I've known the boys since they were very small. I've been in their lives since they can remember. We all work really great together. My daughter and the boys really get along, she's a bit of an instigator but we're working on it. All 4 of them ask both of us all the time when they get a baby brother or sister. My bf and I usually just say oh not any time soon!

I love being a mom. If I could quit my job and be a stay at home mom, I would. I want another baby because I feel like I wasn't able to have the time with my daughter that I wanted. I was still in highschool so I had school every day and my mom helped take care of her. I also want to give my daughter the sister that she begs me for lol (she has a little sister and a little brother on her dads side) she always says there are too many boys in this house. My whole life I've wanted a big family with a lot of kids. I love kids! I work with kids every day....it's my passion.

He is a very logical guy and I think he thinks a lot of bad things will happen and I am a little more optimistic. I agree that we've only been together 3 years and I still have time. I think honestly that he has thought about having another baby with me because he wants to be with me and he knows that that could make or break us. As for condoms, he doesn't trust them. He seriously is so paranoid about me getting pregnant we barely have sex when I'm on birth control. Im 5'5, 115lbs so I don't think it's an attraction issue. He just legitimately doesn't want to get me pregnant.

We've talked about it so many times and every time it's the same conclusion. We aren't in a good place for a baby right now because I am very needed at work with our busy season starting and next summer will be quite chaotic for me with a launch of new programs. He also has a lot going on at work that we can't really focus on a new baby so the timing is bad for this moment....I just get scared of 5 years down the road. I love my family more than anything. We treat all 4 kids the same. My daughter is head over heels for him and the boys all adore me. We're happy this way and maybe when I'm older I'll change my mind and he will be the one begging me for a baby! Lol

Thanks for the input everyone and if there are anymore questions I'll try to answer everything quickly

I had an IUD for 1 year and had it removed due to complications. My body and birth control really don't get along. My dr told me not to try the non hormonal copper iud because it makes periods worse and mine are already barely tolerable. I'm thinking about implanon though, the hormones in mirena didn't bother me, it was the actual device itself.

I've heard a lot of people got pregnant through the implanon... i'm afraid you dont have a lot of options then.

You sound very level headed about your decisions and in great relationship with all the kids and your boyfriend. I have to say, I was a young mom too (19) and getting my second child was wonderful and in so many ways more relaxed than the first one. I got to enjoy it way more and loved hanging out with my baby while I knew everything would be alright (one thing you're anxious about with your first baby no matter what age you are). It really grew me in being a mom in so many other ways as the first one did. So I really get why you would want the full experience again but now more prepared and with actually chosing for it instead as something you accidentally stumbled upon. Maybe you can explain it more like this to your boyfriend if you haven't already.

What if you have a boy and not a little girl? The only guarantee for that is to adopt a little girl, not to get pregnant, or is carrying the baby and going through that experience the more important thing to you, or could you skip that part and be okay with it? It sounds like the bigger regret is not being able to spend time with your daughter as much as you wanted when she was a baby - you really can't have a do over there - is the baby more about the do over aspect?

I responded to this before I saw your last reply:

First of all, I see two people on here commenting that the OP isnt married and I have no idea what that has to do with wanting children. I for one never got married to the father of my children but we had a cohabitation agreement and a testament made. That was as good as marriage for me. And I know a few on EnA arent in favor of marriage either. We have no idea how the OP feels or thinks about marriage. So lets just throw that out for now and focus on the baby part.

 

What I mean is: Where is she at on this guy as far as building a foundation for marriage/for forever. If she is having baby fever, that's fine, but shouldn't she focus on creating a stable family for that baby if she really wants another baby? Where are they at with that? If this guy never sees himself committed again, then the baby talk is moot because he doesn't want that type of relationship anyway and she should say "next" and find a guy who wants to commit and settle down and make more babies.

We both try to look at things as logically as we can so I try not to worry too much about it all. I usually emerse myself in work when I start thinking about babies because we're still young. I've got a good 15 years before I need to worry about it and I think maybe by then we will have it figured out.

As for condoms, he doesn't trust them. He seriously is so paranoid about me getting pregnant we barely have sex when I'm on birth control. Im 5'5, 115lbs so I don't think it's an attraction issue. He just legitimately doesn't want to get me pregnant.

Honestly, it sounds like he is throwing in the breadcrumb that MAYBE down the road he'd change his mind in order to keep you or reel you back in when he feels you are drifting. Honestly, its strange that he won't do condoms unless its all about his own pleasure. the condom WITH the pill with the pill is the backup really is very reliable. lubricated Latex condoms don't break easily under normal circumstances - where non-latex condoms will break if not properly lubricated.

I still stand by my advice whether you believe in marriage or you don't believe in marriage - you have feathered your nest and created a household with a guy who really is not on the same page. If he ever does agree it will be extremely reluctantly. Not a good/two sided situation to have a baby in. Its not like the one reluctantly allows the person to go out and buy a hobby related thing that will make them happy.

Our relationship is actually a really good one. Someone commented and said my beliefs on marriage may not be the same and it's very true. He and I don't really feel the need to get married. We're both pretty strong atheists and feel that marriage is a religuous ceremony. We've talked about writing vows to each other a lot and me taking his last name. Both our views on marriage are a little odd lol but that's beside the point. I don't have one doubt in my mind that he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. We plan for the future all the time.

They look fully commited to me without the bs marriage talk. Marriage is made up. And no one can predict the future so as far as building a foundation goes ( i think thats important too but) they are on that track already. Nothing shows that was her question or to any concern to her.

Her only question is about a baby in the FUTURE. Not even right now, but in a few years.

Someone who will barely touch you even when you are on birth control doesn't sound to me like someone who might want to have a baby. That is very extreme and indicates a strong aversion to having more children, not just that now isn't "the right time". (Most people who aren't phobic about getting pregnant do just fine taking birth control - I 100%, absolutely do not want to get pregnant, but feel comfortable with the birth control methods my boyfriend and I have chosen).

You two sound like you have a good, committed relationship, but I think you have to decide now if you can ever be happy not having more children. I think that if you can't be 100% happy only having the children you have now, then you need to think about leaving the relationship. You just can't count on him changing his mind.

My husband and I used condoms along with pills. After my daughter was born I was told I could not have any more children. So, until my husband could schedule his vasectomy, we used both methods. And it worked.

If your boyfriend ends up getting the vasectomy he mentioned getting would you stay with him? In other words, is having another baby a "must" for you?