Yelling..

Good Morning,

I am having a really bad morning today. I believe after so many years of the same treatment and getting to a point where I cannot tolerate anymore yelling. I have described to my psychologist what is my situation at home, and he have told me that my husband is just mean. Is yelling be mean? Is yelling violence?

He is a good man, with many positive attributes, but he cannot control himself in the every day life problems or situation. He just explode, choleric, he raise his voice. For me is disturbing, have always been. I have tried to make him change the way he express and he always say the same thing, "I am not a bad person for that, I am not hurting anyone, where are the bruises?" I have told him that he is affecting us, my children and me. I have told him that he is giving a bad example with that attitude.

The other day I raise my voice a little too for something he said to me really mean (I never eve have done that), I have total control of myself, it is not part of my personality to use bad manners. And today, after his yelling, when I was telling him no to act that way, he told me "you raise your voice the other day, you are not example to tell me no to yell" I said sorry, you know is not part of my personality to be like that and was my mistake, but you are again wrong, and If I did it, it was because after so many years hearing your yelling, maybe I have start copying you, the same way our son is doing it, kid learn why the see at home. You cannot correct a negative attitude with another bad attitude.

I so really tired, so tired. I am trying to find job, to move on with my life. I am trying to make him to change, but maybe is too late the damage is done.

Why life put me in this situation? No idea, what to do.

But at least coming here, writing in this forum help me a little to continue one day more and to release the baggage I am carrying.

Why is he yelling? Or what is he yelling about?

In the morning my son was not finding a jean, he was around the house looking for a jean, his manners were unappropriated, he was addressing to me in a bad way. My husband woke up, screaming, yelling to him, "you have more clothes to use, you can talk like that, you are miserable, you are a disaster....I do not know how many more things" I cannot reproduce exactly all that was told and in the way it was told (usually my mind put the switch off, reset, forget the bad memory and start over). Then I was almost silence, but I cannot accept that he insults my son or that he uses yelling to correct a bad temper. My son is copying him. I am sure of that. I tried to control the situation, I talked to both, please control. My son finally found the jean and left for school. Then I tried to explain my husband again, why he cannot yell that way and why he cannot insult. He does not understand that what he did is so bad or why is hurting us so much. And you know, I am exhausted, I am a sad person most of the time, I was not like that. I guess I am super tired after so many years of living the same situation, over and over again. He yell because a "water spill on the floor" or for you know whatever every day situation. It is just the way he reacts. He told me he was trying to defended me from my son bad treatment. But he does not understand that he is just doing what he has watched him do. My husband was victim of domestic violence when he was a kid, I guess, it is a wrong pattern learned. I do not know what else I can do, really.

I just had a flick back at your other threads and saw you mention your husband refused to give you a divorce but was living with someone else and it was more a poly situation which you didn't want . So that combined with this is not telling a very attaractive story .

you could insist he either take therapy or his divorce papers.

seeing as you're exposing yourself and a child to repeated verbal assault, and seeing as your child is already behaviorally and emotionally affected, i'm having a hard time understanding why you haven't put the professional help for your son and yourself to more practical use. your therapist says your husband is mean, are they also telling you you can't fix this person, you're setting your son up for a lifetime of debilitating trauma and you need help in developing a healthier sense of your own worth?

it's disheartening when people end these type of posts with "i don't know what to do anymore" when they haven't gone down the obvious first line of response by adressing their codependency, self-esteem and their child's trauma, or sought help from shelters and social services.

what do you think you should do? stick around?

I don't think getting frustrated and yelling a little is necessarily that bad.

But I really don't like him belittling your son that way. That's where I would draw the line.

He ended that relation, he said sorry for that. (I have tried to forget that)

About the divorce, I have asked him for the divorce in more that one occasion. He always has refused in giving this to me. No sure why. People use to say they love, but the love in so rare ways. You do not love when you hurt in the way you do.

The yelling has been part of our whole life together and became critical after we had children.

I am tired. I do not like to start my day with yelling. I have enough problems, health problems and goals that I have not been able to fulfill. Surely I am not perfect, I made mistakes too, but I know them and I always working to build a better me. I have to hide my pains and all my feelings from him. I cannot tell him about my bad nights of almost 0 hours sleep. I am strong, even if I look weak. I am carrying so much problems.

I am in cycle.

in the past threads you've mentioned a history of abusive relationships on your part as well.

clearly you recognize both your partner and you are in an unhealthy cycle.

your child is acting out from hurt and you're allowing this man to insult him to boot. you say your son is imitating him. why is that? why are you allowing for a living situation that teaches your son aggressive behavior is okay? what are you teaching your son about what acceptable treatment is by allowing for this?

i doubt your therapist has been silent on the subject. if you don't feel like therapy is working for you, you could try a new therapist or a group like codependents anonymous or similar, they're free and universally available and follow a very thorough recovery program.

you do not need his blessing to get a divorce.

Rainycoast,

Even so, many times in the past he has tried to lower my self-steem, I have not let him. I continue studying, I continue applying for jobs, I have changed career recently to see if I can find a new job.

I told my therapist that I would like to go to a shelter, he told me that I should not do that, that he knows me well and he know that I will not feel better there. No sure why.

My children do not want to go with me to a shelter, his dad told them that I am ridiculous for wanting to go to a shelter. He has convinced them that he provides a lot and that they will be better at home. It is a very complicate situation. Also, I am receiving psychological treatment, he has used that against me too. I am the one with the problem, no him, he refuses to go to any therapy (for him, he is perfect, he is working and provide all we need). And in the middle of all of this, I have some health issues. . I cannot be alone, I have many nights of 0 hours sleep. He is the one covering all my doctor visits.

I do not know, what abuse I have made, or what damage I have made in past. I made a mistake in the past (4 month mistake, falling in love long distance with a friend) I told my husband about that relation. It was wrong, it was against my set of values and moral. I was not looking for that. No one at home know that (I mean my children do not know that) I have always set a good example for them. I have love them all with all my heart and my broken pieces too.

I have a plan, just that sometimes plans take time. I am going to find my way out of this, sooner or later.

Thanks for reading, I was needing that so much today.

daisy, the bottom line is there is no future with him, other than one that leaves both you and the kids traumatized for years to come.

are you on an income? if not, i would urgently drop by at the social services or an abuse ngo and ask to be directed to programs where you can develop marketable skills so that you can move out and live independently.

your family doctor or social worker can direct you to a children's counselor to prevent future mental health or behavioral issues, complex ptsd included.

Yelling can be abuse. And anyway you don't need his permission to get a divorce, do you? I suppose it depends on what country you're in.

Thanks RainyCoast,

I will look for the ngo today, I did not know about. I am in the urge to find a job. I believe I have some skills and I am developing more. I have work almost all my life.

Thanks, thanks again.

I do not have any income to getting divorce. I was trying to have an peaceful divorce, I do not see him like an enemy, I see him like a man that have be with me for many years in my life, in some good and some very bad times. Also, he has manipulated so much all the situations, I do not want to put my children in the middle of another battle.

I am in US, I love the country with all my heart too, but for me, as immigrant has not been any easy to re-start my life You do not have idea how much I miss my family or how hard it is.

I learned the language (well I am still learning). I went to the university, I graduated. I fight everyday of my life to make the next day a better day. Just, I guess, I am human, I am exhausted and I feel alone.

having had to restart from scratch definitely puts you in an exhausting position. you probably don't have much of a support network then either. have you met with the expat community where you live? they might have tips where to go for advice and resouces needed to get your life on track.

is there an immigrants' office you dealt with when you came? you could revisit them and ask for a consultation regarding the options you have in terms of housing, employment and the like.

the goal is to be as self-sufficient as possible to detach yourself and the children from an unhealthy environment that is further exhausting you all.

I have not met the expat community. And I am citizen, then I do not have to deal with immigrant office anymore.

When I arrived to the country, I devoted myself to learn the language, I started working in a calling center (with almost 0 english, believe it or no), It was a really hard time for me, psychologically extenuating. I went back to the university. I took care of my family and dealt with the every day yelling until all move in spiral of destruction. His betrayal, my mistake, relocation to a new city, my illness, the yelling.

Now I continue looking for a job, but no one call me (I was out the market for some years). I started a program, to get more qualify and move my resume.

I continue my fight Raincoast, even If I look bad in front of all of you, or a person without character.

I have tried to paint the whole picture, but sometimes is not easy to give all the strokes of the situation I am living and why I continue living on this situation, even with the resources that are available. I came from a country where there was not any help for people living in the situation. Now, my children are not just those little beautiful creatures that you move around with you, they have their own voice, I consider them a lot.

you don't sound bad or like a person without character- it's simply that despite your situation being indeed exhausting, you'll have to dig up some options to remove yourself from your partner's destructive behavior. it isn't an easy journey, but it is pivotal for your future.

it's good you're in a program, the job market can be brutal when one has an ever increasing hole in their cv.

you're obviously hardworking and determined. it would be ideal if you could get support to remove yourself from the toxic relationship with the same drive.

Hi all,

I am here again, it is always good for me the help and the support I receive here.

I am with headache, last night was really bad for me again, I wake up around 3 am. I never complain or mention to my husband how I am feeling, I hide this from him, because the way he takes my health issues and the things he says (I believe he wants all perfect around him, he refuses to accept that I have any medical condition). But this time he asked me what was wrong with me and I told him "I have a little headache, must be because I could not sleep well last night" and the same cycle started, he started questioning me, he refuses to accept that I am not sleeping, he was without stop, telling me the same things over and over again, trying to make his arguments valid, using his bad manners, I told him, please, could you stop, this did not work. I told him, ok you are right, "I am sleeping better", he did not stop with that either. I told him, I would like you to be different. Then he wanted me to explain how, I told him, more supportive, I was just needing a hug or a sweet word nothing else, I am feeling sick. Is so hard to understand that when a person is sick want some good treatment?

Good night all, I will try to sleep now, I should not be on the computer at this time, but I needed just to calm myself and disconnect for what just happens. I guess this is most of the same.

My heart breaks for you alldaisies.

I commend your efforts to build yourself up but as long as you are with him hell continue to try to tear that down and take it away from you.

I think you are going to need to rally courage to do something different.

Hi alldaisies, I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation! I can only imagine what it must be like. I was in a horrible relationship too, but I didn't have children to think about, my health was good (other than my mental health and being tired ALL the time) and I had my own money, as I had a job.

Some thoughts of mine in response to what you've posted:

I find some of the things your therapist has said a bit odd. Like saying that yelling is "just mean." I wouldn't call it that, I'd say it is verbal and emotional abuse, but even if one believes it is being "just mean," why does your therapist think it's okay for your husband to be mean to you or your children? It's not okay and clearly it is harming both you and your children and it's setting a very bad example. Also your therapist saying that he knows you so well that he thinks you'd not feel better at a shelter, even if you want to go? This is all quite odd. A therapist usually doesn't say what you can or cannot do, but helps you make up your own mind and weigh options. I am getting the feeling that he's just not experienced when it comes to women in abusive and unhealthy marriages and doesn't understand the problems and dynamics of them. Which is why he's giving you counterproductive advice! Instead of supporting you, he's telling you to stay and belittling the harm your husband is causing.

I would recommend finding out which organizations there are in your town who help women in domestic abuse situations and contacting them. You would get specific help and support, from people who know what they're dealing with. You would get help planning your finances after you leave, planning where to stay and how your children can continue school etc, help with finding work or courses. You don't need to tell your husband about it. You can just go and ask for advice or even just call and talk about your situation. They will not make you do anything against your will. You really need support!

Of course your husband refuses to give you a divorce (even though you don't need his permission), makes fun of you for wanting to go to a shelter and tries to tell the kids that it would be bad to live in a shelter. Of course he's belittling what he's doing ("where are the bruises?") - as if only bruises are abuse. Words and yelling hurt just as much. Being mean and treating you very badly is abuse too. It doesn't have to be hitting. Your husband is belittling what he's doing and trying to make you feel like you have no way out, like the odds are against you. He needs you to make himself feel better and to have you there so he can yell at you. He doesn't want to lose you. But there's always a way out. Nobody deserves this, you haven't done anything wrong. I'm sure the children would understand it too. They would understand that it's better to have less and to live in a shelter for a while, if it means that they don't have to take the yelling any more and that their mother would be happy!

I understand you don't want to put your children through a difficult, messy divorce. But you're putting them through their parents' terrible marriage, constant yelling and conflict, their mother being very ill and unhappy. It's not any better, really, and I don't see how it could improve, as your husband doesn't care about improving anything. Divorce isn't easy for children, but neither is the life they are living.

What a despicable man! He should be helping you, supporting you when you feel bad and have health problems, but instead he's making fun of you, claiming you're just fine, keeping you up and causing more stress! People who have health problems need pampering, helping, care and understanding, not what you're receiving. I'm sure he knows it all too, he's not stupid. He knows it but he has decided he doesn't care. He has decided to treat you horribly despite knowing that it is wrong.

You don't look bad to me at all, or like someone who has a weak character. Quite the opposite. You've moved to a new country, away from your family and everything familiar, learned the language, found jobs, put yourself though university. That takes a lot of work and courage and dedication. Not everyone can do it. It also takes a lot of strength and courage to stay in a marriage like that. But you don't have to do it. I'm sure that your health would improve too, if you didn't have to deal with the yelling and abuse and him not caring about you at all.

It might take some time to get out, but it's worth it. You just need to take one tiny step every day. It can be done. Someone who's as hard-working, intelligent and resourceful as you can definitely do it!

I'm glad you're here, posting, venting, getting some of your frustration out.

Thanks Kath, for your word of encouragement and for your understanding. Sometimes we just need that.

I would like to add that he does good things too for me and the children. He was a victim of physical violence, he did not have a good role model, or good dad. He needs help. He cries many times after a confrontation

I will start an online course next week with the help of mom and dad, I will acquire a need set of skill, move my resume a little and with some luck I will get a job. I will find peace, I know that.

That is the reason I still keep coming to this forum and posting, because I remember from my past just how much it mattered to just get some encouragement and understanding

Of course he does good things and has good qualities. If he would be someone who's entirely bad, every day, then you would never have married him and had the children. BUT that does not justify what he's doing to you. You can't abuse someone and treat them badly and get away with it because you've also done good things. It's not the matter of counting the pluses and minuses to calculate what the score is. The good things don't cancel the bad things out. Sometimes the bad things are just so bad and do so much damage that it is necessary to leave, despite the good things.

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter what his childhood has been like. Sure, having had only bad role models makes it more difficult to know how to solve conflicts peacefully when you're a grown-up. But if your wife tells you that you're hurting her and is begging you to stop and get some help, then any normal man would go and get therapy, work on himself, try to overcome the bad childhood patterns. He would do anything to stop hurting his family, especially as he remembers from his past just how horrible it was. Your husband has not done that, he continues his abuse and is teaching his children those same bad patterns. Which to me says that he knows he should stop and get help but doesn't care. It's easier to take it all out on you, rather than go and work on himself.

Kath,

Normal people do that, look for help, but others do not. He knows that yelling is a bad things, but he does not consider that the way he talks is hurting us.

Sometimes, I have told him that I will go to the police, and he has told my children, that I want to send him to the police with all he works and do for us.

There are people that can accept their flaws and correct them or people who is receptive to critiques, others do not.

He need the perfect wife, the perfect children, he looks perfections on everything. I am not perfect, I am the most common woman on earth and I am ok being the way I am. I can always be better, but I am happy with the person I am.

I pushed myself beyond my limits, knowing that I was not prepared to go to the university because of him. What is a good and a bad thing. Also, the thing I like, are different from the things he like, we cannot talk about anything now. We are not longer agree in politics (this is ok if he can respect my point of view, the same way I respect him, but it not the case), he is not agree with me in the way I see religion either. The topic that fascinate me are totally ridicules and unnecessary for him. But I can listen to his talk about the things he likes. It is really difficult for me.

Now, I have had two days of peace, let's see for how longer. He did not talk to me yesterday and today he was just calm. But we have not talk much. At least these peace is good for my mind. Today I have been able to read more, and focus a little more. I am most of the time, jumping from one subject to another. Also I have noticed that is hard for me to retain information, names, concepts..I am able to understand and if I see the name or concept again, I know that I have saw it before but It is impossible to me to retrieve the information. I do not know if after so many years pardoning him, like forgetting all the yelling and starting all over again like nothing happens, this affected my memory.

I have been so sick, that you do not have idea how. Sometimes, when I see myself now, I wonder how I am still alive or I know, thanks to people like you that are so supportive and with just one sentence can turn my whole world around.

Kath thanks again for stoping by, and for being there for me, for reading and taking your time to write to me. Thanks. It means the world for me.