First date since break up

Hi all, I'll be going on my first date since my last relationship.

I went through quite a traumatic break up 5 weeks ago, we had been together a very long time, I was cheated on blablabla... Anyway I have come along way since in my recovery through therapy and wonderful support from friends and family. I basically decided I didn't want to put my life on hold because of the poor actions of my ex, he had moved on (even before we broke up) and I was ready to move on too...not waste another minute crying over a relationship that I was lucky to be out off (I see that now).

Anyway I met what seems to be a lovely guys online 2 weeks ago, we get on well, have a lot in common and are in touch daily. He is asked me out and is coming to my city to meet me for the first time next weekend (he lives 4hrs away). Whilst I'm excited paranoia and self doubt are kicking in...All of a sudden I feel fat and unattractive and I read way into everything in his messages. For example if he takes too long to reply to my message I start to think he is no longer interested and is only coming to see me for the date because he feels sorry for me.

Whilst I know this isn't true and possibly the effect of the breakup, I can't seem to shake off the self doubt. I don't want this to jeopardise our time together next week. What should I do?

Any advice is welcomed.

Thanks all in advance for your help

Three weeks is not long enough to get over your last relationship. Cancel the date.

Stop trying to jump from one man to another. Just spend some time single and work on loving yourself.

I don't know if I'll ever wrap my head around how seemingly otherwise strong, independent people seem so eager to jump from one relationship to another person with relatively little time in between.

After I left my last relationship, getting to know someone of the opposite sex was pretty much one of the last things I felt like doing. I was just exhausted and needed space. My ex, on the other hand, was hitting up potential rebounds within a couple weeks of me moving out.

I guess it's just the comfort of having someone to text or sit on the other end of your couch.

I took a 3 year break after my divorce. I think anyone who has been in a very long relationship benefits from a break and getting comfortable with oneself without another. Then you don't get to muddled and mixed up with someone else.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a casual date with someone new. Helps build up ur self confidence. Just make it light and fun. Be urself. Have a good time! Don't make it anything other than that!

I don't think there is anything wrong with a casual date with someone new. Helps build up ur self confidence. Just make it light and fun. Be urself. Have a good time! Don't make it anything other than that!

You DON'T "casually date" to help build confidence. Over time, dating is full of rejection and misunderstandings. Best to be confident before you get started again.

Not true, Darcy. Having interactions and attention from opposite sex definite builds confidence. Especially when u are the one broken up with. U need to know ur desirable to others. There is nothing wrong with her going out on this date.

The OP needs a rest so that she knows the difference.

Not true, Darcy. Having interactions and attention from opposite sex definite builds confidence. Especially when u are the one broken up with. U need to know ur desirable to others. There is nothing wrong with her going out on this date.

Being dependent on others to feed your ego is not healthy in the long run. One should be happy and confident from within. If one is dependent on others for their happiness they are digging a deeper hole than the one they are already in.

Not true, Darcy. Having interactions and attention from opposite sex definite builds confidence. Especially when u are the one broken up with. U need to know ur desirable to others. There is nothing wrong with her going out on this date.

I think there's nothing wrong with getting to know people of the opposite sex as a means of weening yourself back into the dating scene. By this, I mean putting yourself in situations where you'll meet and get to know women, but not explicitly for the purpose of dating.

Maybe I'm just an old cod, but I think it's tough to really date casually because it's rare that at least one of the involved parties isn't potentially looking for something more to come of these "casual" encounters.

I went through quite a traumatic break up 5 weeks ago, we had been together a very long time, I was cheated on blablabla... Anyway I have come along way since in my recovery through therapy and wonderful support from friends and family.

In five weeks (or 3 weeks if you take into consideration when you started talking to this guy)? And after a traumatic break-up with someone you were with for a long time?

You are not ready to date yet so, in fairness to the guy, I don't think you should be going on this or any other date for a quite a while. Take some time out for yourself. You don't need to rely on a guy to find happiness and NOT dating does not mean you are putting your life on hold.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a casual date with someone new. Helps build up ur self confidence. Just make it light and fun. Be urself. Have a good time! Don't make it anything other than that!

And what if the other person does want to make it something "other than that". Whilst you are building up your self confidence you could be damaging theirs if they pick up that you aren't really into them.

Thank you all for your messages. Just to clear up that I am not dating to build my confidence...if that were the case I wouldn't be suffering from self doubt, I would be fullfield having someone interested in me. That isn't the case. And I am also not looking for a rebound relationship...I have a lot of male acquaintances who have been waiting for me to be single that have asked me out since...I turned them all down.

5 weeks might seem soon but my ex was emotionally and physically absent for the last 3 months of our relationship so I had already started to move on emotionally before we broke up...which has really sped up the letting go process.

Dating again is not a decision I have taken lightly, I've really thought about it. You are right Blue68, not dating doesn't mean putting your life on hold...I meant that as in putting my lovelife on hold. My life has continued since the breakup, I continued doing everything I enjoy doing and even got a promotion at work in that time. This is really about me and not my ex, we are no longer in touch I blocked him from every communication channel possible so this not about him at all...I just want to move in my lovelife that's all...and if I feel ready is there anything wrong with that? My family and friends are aware of the date and support it.

you just need to be alone for awhile and sort things out. Your mental state just isn't there yet.

I understand you are lonely, we all are, but understand that it's too soon to easily substitute someone who you had so much history with overnight.There's nothing wrong with taking some time and focus on yourself

I've had 3 serious relationships in my lifetime and after everyone I've taken at least 1 year before jumping back into dating again...sure I've met plenty of women but have asked out 0. I am someone who is completely against using someone else to get over the last. I wait till i am happy and fulfilled with my friends and my hobbies and till my feelings are completely gone before i dive in...and i really just got there this summer finally

But....to each their own

Three weeks after a traumatic breakup where you are talking to another guy everyday and feeling fat, unattractive, paranoid, insecure, fearful of his interest is not moving on. In my opinion, it's rushing. And rushing, unknowingly transferring feelings from an ex to a new guy, is a rebound activity (maybe not relationship) to me.

Not true, Darcy. Having interactions and attention from opposite sex definite builds confidence. Especially when u are the one broken up with. U need to know ur desirable to others. There is nothing wrong with her going out on this date.

But it isn't building up her confidence. On the contrary, it is having the opposite affect. As she said herself ...... paranoia and self doubt are kicking in. She feels fat and unattractive and is reading way too much into his texts. That is what happens when you carry your emotional baggage around with you because you haven't given yourself enough time to work through it. The kind of confidence boost you are talking about is very short-lived. As has been said, seeking attention from others as a way to build up your self confidence is not a very healthy approach.

Dating again is not a decision I have taken lightly, I've really thought about it.

You started talking to another man THREE WEEKS after your break-up. Just three weeks!!! You haven't even given yourself enough to process the break-up of your relationship, let alone think about dating anyone else. You are trying to skip facing the emotions by filling the gap your ex has left. If that isn't a rebound then I don't know what is!

Whichever way you try to swing it, you aren't ready to date ... and to be honest, it is ludicrous and immature of you to even suggest that you are. You simply can't be after only 5 weeks on from what you described as a traumatic break-up from a long term relationship. You are in denial and your justifications are weak. Dating is your misguided attempt at moving on. You aren't in an emotionally strong enough place. You are fooling yourself and unfortunately you will be fooling others. I just hope you don't hurt anyone else in the process.

Or it could be the effect of years being in an emotionally abusive relationship as to why I was feeling the way I did when I posted?...i.e. not necessarily because I'm not ready to move on yet.

I'll admit I'm not 100% healed (I'm still in therapy), but that's more other issues like increasing my self esteem, not because I still have feelings for my ex.

Just to be clear, I have NO intentions to hurt anybody!!! I've just been through it myself and wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my enemy.

Not true, Darcy. Having interactions and attention from opposite sex definite builds confidence. Especially when u are the one broken up with. U need to know ur desirable to others. There is nothing wrong with her going out on this date.

Not true at all. I think this is a big gamble banking your ego on how others perceive you. If you hang around here, you'll notice plenty of people don't actually get positive attention from the opposite sex. They need to get confidence internally, not externally.

Or it could be the effect of years being in an emotionally abusive relationship as to why I was feeling the way I did when I posted?...i.e. not necessarily because I'm not ready to move on yet.

 

I'll admit I'm not 100% healed (I'm still in therapy), but that's more other issues like increasing my self esteem, not because I still have feelings for my ex.

 

Just to be clear, I have NO intentions to hurt anybody!!! I've just been through it myself and wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my enemy.

You may not INTENTIONALLY do it but you will do it because you are emotionally broken right now. Emotionally broken people cannot give fully to a whole person. Also emotionally broken people tend to attract people who will use them. You can not attract someone who is whole and giving. Those type of people will run for the hills when they see you are feeling insecure about yourself. Only other broken people will stick around.

It does not make for a very gratifying relationship in the end. A year from now or even sooner you will be in the same place that you are right now but it will feel worse.

If I met a man who had your internal doubts and insecurities I would run in the opposite direction.

I know people who go on dates the same week they break up, to "help." In my experience, they're always the ones with unresolved baggage because they reinvest all their feelings in someone else. This ends up being a merry-go-round of baggage and issues.

If I was dating a girl and found out that a little over a month ago she got out of a long term relationship that was abusive with cheating. I'd take it as a red flag, and consider finding a better candidate.

Or it could be the effect of years being in an emotionally abusive relationship as to why I was feeling the way I did when I posted?...i.e. not necessarily because I'm not ready to move on yet.

 

I'll admit I'm not 100% healed (I'm still in therapy), but that's more other issues like increasing my self esteem, not because I still have feelings for my ex.

 

Just to be clear, I have NO intentions to hurt anybody!!! I've just been through it myself and wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my enemy.

Whichever way you try to swing it, you are not ready to date. If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship then you have all the more reason to take some much needed time out. No-one would expect you to be 100% healed yet. Your self esteem is low because of your emotionally abusive relationship. However, unless you don't want to repeat the pattern you have a lot of work to do on yourself (and with the help of your therapist) before you are able to make the right choices when it comes to relationships. Rely on others to give you confidence or to provide you with happiness will not work in the long run.

As has been said, you might not intentionally want to hurt anybody .... but you may well do because you are not emotionally available to anyone.

I know people who go on dates the same week they break up, to "help." In my experience, they're always the ones with unresolved baggage because they reinvest all their feelings in someone else. This ends up being a merry-go-round of baggage and issues.

 

If I was dating a girl and found out that a little over a month ago she got out of a long term relationship that was abusive with cheating. I'd take it as a red flag, and consider finding a better candidate.

Same here! I am on the look out for rebounders, though they won't always admit it. I would rather not spend my time helping someone feel distracted from their unresolved grief of a break up.

When you are grieving and looking to for someone to help you feel better about yourself, you are not in a position to offer the other person very much, if anything.

Update:

First of all – thank you all for your advice/comments both positive and negative. Just want to clarify again that I was not intending to hurt anyone or was seeking to “improve” my confidence by dating. I genuinely felt ready to move on in my love life, though it seems too soon, I could only go with what felt right to me.

So, I did go on the date this weekend and I am happy I did. The guy was as lovely in person as he has been online. Conversation and laughter flowed effortlessly and we both really enjoyed each other’s company and had quite a lot in common. The date was a bit longer than advised for a first date 7.5hrs as he travelled 3hrs to get to me. So seemed silly to travel all that way for a coffee date, also the weather was great so we just explore and the time flew by.

So all in all a great success and I would definitely like to see him again if he asked. If he doesn’t feel the same, I had a wonderful day regardless of what happens next.

I do have some questions:

1. We didn’t discuss going on a second date during date, but he emailed me (via dating site) to let me know he arrived home safely and thanked me for my time and that he had a great time. Does that mean he is not interested in a second date?

2. We’ve now been in contact for 3-4 weeks (almost daily), but he has yet to ask for my phone number or move the conversation off the site. Before meeting in person we were strangers so I wouldn’t have wanted to exchange either and was comfortable getting to know him via dating site messages. Now that we have met in person, would it be normal if we continue to communicate via dating site? I don’t want to offer my number up as I feel that will be too forward and I get the vibe from him that he is old school and would see it as the man’s role to ask.

3. From what I have described and your own experiences/observations does he sound interested?

Thank you in advance for your advice/comments